(Coach Don Nelson is sitting at his desk staring off into space, when Anthony Randolph enters his office..)
Nelson: I’m going to fucking kill you..
Randolph: Um…Coach?
Nelson: Oop, hey there Slim. Sorry, I was just talking to myself. (more…)
May all your fries be covered in gravy..
There are two rules for being a successful NBA franchise. The first is don’t hire Isiah Thomas as your general manager. The second is steer clear of rookies who don’t want to play for your team. At least the Timberwolves got one of those right. As much as David Kahn wants to insist that drafting Ricky Rubio was the right move, it’s strikingly reminiscent of the Clippers drafting Danny Ferry in 1989, who immediately bolted to Italy (best decision he’s ever made), and more recently, the Magic drafting Fran Vázquez in 2005, who much like Rubio, gave no initial indication that he’d return to Spain rather than play in the NBA. The fact is, history has shown that drafting players against their wishes rarely ends well for teams who try to test their luck.
The Grizzlies selected Steve Francis second overall in the 1999 NBA Draft (over Baron Davis, Lamar Odom, and Shawn Marion) despite the fact that the Maryland guard publicly announced that he had no intention of playing in Vancouver. After nearly convincing him to sign with the team — Francis even filmed a shelved ESPN commercial where he revealed that his holdout was over his dislike of Canadian bacon — the Grizzlies were forced to trade the future three-time All-Star to the Rockets. In return, Vancouver acquired the poo-poo platter of Michael Dickerson, Othella Harrington, Antoine Carr and Brent Price, and shockingly began losing fan support and money. The team moved to Memphis within two years, all because “The Franchise” ruined, well, the franchise. In an ironic twist of fate, Francis was dealt by Houston back to the Grizzlies last season, but once again never suited up after immediately getting bought-out and waived.
Two years ago, the Bucks decided to draft Yi Jianlian, even after his agent Dan “Jack Woltz” Fegan insisted that his client would never play in Milwaukee. Yi eventually received an offer he couldn’t refuse — a guaranteed starting job and significant playing time. He put up a paltry 8.6 points on a 26-win Bucks team, and turned out to be (at least) three years older than the listed age on his Chinese documents. Milwaukee traded Yi to the Nets for Richard Jefferson after one disappointing season, and a year later, managed to turn the sixth pick in a strong 2007 draft class into three expiring contracts.
Going back further, in 1992, Jim Jackson, drafted fourth 
overall by the Mavericks, refused to report to the team and missed the majority of his rookie season after a lengthy contract dispute (this was, of course, before the days of the rookie salary cap, implemented after Glenn “Big Dog” Robinson demanded a ludicrous 13-year, $100 million contract). Jackson and Jason Kidd, two of the three “J’s” who were supposed to lead the Mavs back to prominence, allegedly became involved in a love triangle with R&B singer Toni Braxton and insisted they’d never breathe again on the same team. Jackson, along with Sam Cassell, was traded to the Nets for Shawn Bradley and Ed O’Bannon. Needless to say, the Mavs received the short end of that deal and would go on to have five consecutive losing seasons.
Which brings us back to Rubio. By drafting a player who, by all indications, doesn’t want to play in Minnesota, Kahn has all but guaranteed that his team will suffer, even if Rubio eventually ends up donning the green and blue. Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy or a final destination, but Minnesota’s fate was decided the moment David Stern announced the fifth pick in the 2009 Draft. Need more proof? How about those same lovable Clippers finally convincing their 1988 top pick, Danny Manning, to sign his contract, only to watch him blow out his knee 26 games into his rookie season and never live up to expectations?
Then again, it might be fun reading Kevin Love’s angry Twitter updates about the floppy-haired Spanish kid macking on his girlfriend…
Bye, Mike.
(Matt Carroll is sweeping up the Mavericks locker room and singing to himself..)
Carroll: Billie Jean’s not my gosh-darn lover
She’s just a girl..who thinks I’m pretty neat..
Howard: (sprinting into the locker room) Ay, man. Did ya hear?
Carroll: Probably. But remind me.
Howard: He’s dead!
Carroll: Oh, yes. Wasn’t that tragic?
Howard: Man, I been bawlin’ all night! (more…)
Back in my middle school days, the Scottie Pippen Nike “Air More Uptempos” with the simple but stylish ‘A-I-R’ sprawled along the sides, were the shoes to own. The Grant Hill Filas? Not so much. Many of the NBA’s biggest stars have released classic signature sneakers, starting with the original Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars, but perhaps just as many have failed to knock basketball fans off their feet. While some of these throwbacks and vintage styles might possess a certain charm in their ugliness, here are some of the worst-looking, most uncomfortable, and straight-up comical NBA player-endorsed shoes of all time.
Kobe Bryant, Adidas “Kobe II” — What was Kobe thinking when he saw this design? Is it a ski boot? Barbie and Ken’s dream car? A miniature army tank? A nod to Back to the Future? A cinder block? I can go and on. Luckily, the even more hideous “Kobe III” never saw the light of day when Kobe terminated his contract with Adidas and switched to Nike.
Chris Webber, Dada “C-Dubbz” — Dada? More like nada! Wrap a plastic garbage bag around your old pair of kicks and voila — your very own C-Dubbz. These were also released in quite a few hideous color variations, most notably the blinding chrome version that Webber wore in the 2003 All-Star Game, which were apparently inspired by Paul Wall’s grill.
Karl Malone, LA Gear “The Catapult” — That’s right, LA Gear, the shoes with the flashing red lights rocked by every girl in your kindergarten class. Malone was quickly banned from wearing the shoes during NBA games because they were a distraction to other players, and LA Gear soon filed for bankruptcy. The Catapult line was amazingly reintroduced six years later, with Luke Walton as its spokesman. It’s hard to believe they never caught on with basketball fans.
Latrell Sprewell, Dada “Spree’s Spinnahs” — Rims and sneakers were brought together at last, thanks to Sprewell, the renowned originator the spinning car rims (who knew?). Not only does the shoe look like a Hot Wheels toy car, but it’s poorly manufactured (you might even say, Spree choked on the design), with an awkwardly placed air pump underneath the heel to keep the little plastic rim spinning while you walk.
Michael Jordan, Nike “Jordan 15″ & “23″ — Even the greatest make mistakes. The 15’s are either the most expensive pair of baby booties of all-time or great accessories for your Batsuit. The slightly less hideous 23’s feature a barrage of scribbled lower case “m’s,” and might turn out to be one of those lame 3-D stereograms where an image pops out if you stare hard enough (my bet’s on Vegas casino).
Dikembe Mutombo, Adidas — The Mutumbo signature sneaker featured a shield with crossed spears on the tongue, his jersey number on the side, and African textile patterns on the forefoot, which combined made it look like the perfect getup for Kid ‘N Play’s pajama party. No way anyone would sex Mutombo in those babies. (We also would’ve accepted, “Dikembe should’ve waged his finger at that shoe contract.”)
Patrick Ewing, Ewing Athletics Company Ltd. “The Rogue” — While Ewing scores major points for these timeless Adidas Attitudes, his decision to leave the three stripes to form his own line of footwear and accessories is inexcusable. In addition to the abominable red Rogue I, the Rogue II was released in a questionable purple, black, and gray color combination, begging to be mistaken for the cracked-out cousin on the Air Jordan 8.
Kevin Durant, Nike “KD1″ — Would anyone besides Bobo the Clown or Ronald McDonald buy hot orange shoes with teal shoelaces? If those are supposed to be Thunder colors, then Durant must wake up every day wishing he was still wearing his green and gold Seattle jersey. You’ll soon find find these beauties on our local J.C. Penny discount rack.
Kevin Garnett, Adidas “Garnett III” — For the All-Star edition of Garnett’s signature shoe, Adidas took a page out of KG’s former teammate’s book and opted for a sneaker that can be mistaken for over-sized choo-choo train. They are, however, the perfect shoes for dropping uncontrolled f-bombs and clapping your hands in the opponent’s face.
Quick Misses:
*Tracy McGrady, Adidas “T-Mac III” — Wearing a different color shoe on each foot is something even Kris Kross wouldn’t dare to do in the early ’90’s.
*Dwyane Wade, Converse “Wade 1″ — in case you ever wanted to wear accordions on your feet.
*Tim Hardaway, Nike “Bakin’” — I can’t lie, I owned a pair because they were also endorsed by Mitch Richmond. I can’t believe my parents let me spend $120 on this monstrosity.
*Penny Hardaway, Nike “Air Foamposite One” — these would look nice if you were playing basketball on the moon.
*Derrick Coleman, British Knights — The shoes themselves aren’t even all that bad, but this commercial (unfortunately sans Coleman) is guaranteed to make your day.
Other notable 58th picks:
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