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This is Part 2 of the Ex-Hawks Down Saga, Part 1 can be found here.

Damien Wilkins awakens in a pool of what he hopes is his urine. He’s groggy and his vision is blurred; but when he looks up from the dingy cellar floor he sees a towering man holding a club.

Tree Rollins kicks Damien in the ribs and the Thunder swingman rolls over on his back, “Ah God, where am I? Who are you?”

“I’m The Intimidator and you in Hell, boy.”

Damien is panicking as he begins to regain his bearings, “Oh my God, I thought Dale Earnhardt was dead! And not seven feet tall! And white!”

Tree kicks Damien again and he begins to cough up blood.

“To answer your question, Young Mr. Wilkins: You are in a bunker in the jungles of Colombia.”

Stacey Augmon enters the small room with two more of his henchmen: Grant Long & Tyrone Corbin.

“I am The Plastic Man. And you are my hostage.” (more…)

I will never forgive you for this, Brad.

Golden State Warriors: Serious question — who would you rather encounter in a dark alley: Marlo Stanfield or Stephen Jackson?

Los Angeles Clippers: Replacing Elton Brand with Marcus Camby is like replacing Michael Keaton with George Clooney — epic fail.

Los Angeles Lakers: Reason #3,547 why you should hate Kobe Bryant…

Phoenix Suns: Hiring a defensive-minded coach (Terry Porter) for an aging team that couldn’t guard a fat man in a phone booth — or Eddy Curry, for that matter — makes perfect sense.

Sacramento Kings: It’s only a matter of time before Candace Parker storms into Coach Theus’ office and demands that her Shelden get equal playing time with the rest of the boys.

Next: Southwest Division

The elevator is out and an executive assistant races up ten flights of stairs to the top floor of the Dorchester Capital building where the Corporation’s Chairman–Clay Bennett–is struggling to change the settings on a game of Solitaire.

“Ah Petey my boy, I’m glad you’re here. How the hell do you get this thing down to Draw One? Draw Three sucks!”

Pete is still out of breath and he takes a moment to collect himself, “Um sir, we have a problem.”

Clay starts to get up out of his chair, “Is the snack machine out of pepperoni-pretzel Combos again? I swear to God I’ll have that vending machine deliveryman’s head !”

“No sir, there are plenty of Combos left. Every option in the machine is Combos.”

Clay’s face is turning pink, “They’re the official cheese-flavored snack of NASCAR!”

“Yes sir. No Mr. Bennett, I’m afraid the problem is much more grave than a lack of Combos.”

Clay Bennett shoots up and his chair goes flying across the room, “Jesus, who’s died?” (more…)

Godzirra!

FEAST: Ha Seung Jin’s peers are delighted by his return to South Korea.

doktakra: Hiro Nakamura finds new ways to bend the space-time continuum.

ebooker: Scout Troop 75 thinks Yao Ming looks funny/doesn’t remember there being any teams in Anaheim.

He gets one a year, so why not?

Denver Nuggets: Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine that not one, but two Birdmen would bless us with timeless unintentional comedy.

Minnesota Timbewolves:  Grizzlies fans were distraught when Kevin McHale traded OJ Mayo for Kevin Love, robbing Memphis of an amazing Gay-Love tandem (yes, my mental age is 10).

Oklahoma City Thunder:  Serious question — which is more lame:  the Thunder logo or the New Kids on the Block reunion?

Portland Trailblazers:  Brandon Roy + LaMarcus Aldridge + Greg Oden + Rudy Fenandez - Darius Miles = BOOM goes the dynamite.

Utah Jazz: I was really hoping Gerry McNamara would make the team, because he deserves a shot…and because the Jazz could then field the first legitimate NBA whitewash since 1957, with Okur, Kirilenko, Harpring, and Korver.

Next:  Pacific Division

“Oh jeez, oh jeez, oh jeez!”

Lakers Center Andrew Bynum is jumping up and down, his hands dangling off his wrists in restless worry.

“What’s wrong, Andy?”

Lakers superstar shooting guard Kobe Bryant comes up and puts an arm around his teammate.

“It’s opening night and I’m nervous!” Bynum frets.

“It’s okay Andy, we’re gonna get through this together ’cause we’re a team.”

Kobe nuzzles Bynum’s chin with his nose and Bynum backs off, “Whoa, okay Kobe.”

Kobe sits down at his locker and laces up his sneakers, “You remember your lines?”

Bynum squats and stretches his calves, “Yeah, I’m supposed to foul out in the third.”

“No, the fourth Andy. The fourth.”

“Right, the fourth. Sorry, I haven’t been on stage in a while.”

Kobe stands up, gets behind Bynum and begins rubbing his shoulders and massaging his back, “It’s alright, Andy. You’re gonna be great. You’re so young and so talented. So young..”

Bynum looks around the empty locker room anxiously and heaves a sigh of relief when Luke Walton walks in on the two.

“The fuck?” (more…)

I’ve been fascinated by afros ever since I was a little kid.   When I was growing up, I wanted a ‘fro more than anything in the world, and constantly begged my mother to let me get a perm for my wavy hair.  In hindsight, I’m glad she didn’t listen, because I could never pull of a cool-looking Jewfro (at least, not as well as “Fletch“).

To make up for the lack of awesome afros in the early ’90’s — the apparent peak of the flat top era — I frequented local sports card shows, searching for new, um, hair-raising items to add to my collection.  The ABA was the jackpot of amazing afros during the 1970’s.  Among my favorites were classic styles worn by the likes of Darnell Hillman and Julius Erving, the Chia Pet on the head of Randy Denton, and Michael Jackson’s “thriller.”  The unintentionally hilarious balding ‘fro would later find its way into the NBA, courtesy of World B. Free.

Thankfully, the late ’90’s and early 2000’s marked the triumphant return of the ‘fro, starting with Ben Wallace.  Big Ben was one of the first players to switch between the increasingly popular cornrows and afro hairstyles from game to game.  Although the trend never caught on as much as one would’ve liked, it game us a handful of memorable appearances, such as the ones below.

Ben Wallace

Shaun Livingston

Ricky Davis

Darius Miles

Moochie Norris

Ronny Turiaf

For a short time, several NBA superstars got into the act, popularizing the ‘baby afro’ look in the mid-2000’s.  It’s a shame that Gilbert Arenas may have kept his bushy hairstyle a little longer, had it not been for an unfortunate conditioning incident.  Even the usually plain-vanilla Tim Duncan busted out a fantastic mini-fro for the beginning 2004/05 season, before eventually going back to his patented bald look.

Kobe Bryant

Gilbert Arenas

Tim Duncan

Unfortunately, those hairstyles are long gone, and today’s NBA has a disturbing lack of hair creativity.  Ben Wallace’s ‘fro is tired, and it’s only a matter of time before he starts looking like the aforementioned World B. Free (sorry, I just can’t get enough of that photo).  I don’t know what Anderson Varejao, Robin Lopez, and Joakim Noah have going right now, but those are not afros.  They look more like Sideshow Bob or Corbin Bleu admirers than Dr. J fans.  To top if off, the only man who’s maintained a true ‘fro since coming into the league, Josh Childress, is now representing in Greece.  And it’ll be at least a year until we see Brandon Jennings’ old school flat top on the NBA hardwood.  We’re close to reaching a crisis stage here, people.  If David Stern needs to get involved here, I’m okay with that — whatever it takes.  Just bring back the ‘fro!

Josh Childress

Anderson Varejao

Robin Lopez

Coach?? What you doing?

Atlanta Hawks: It’s only October, but Josh Smith is already in mid-season form.

Charlotte Bobcats: Serious question — who got around more in his career:  2Pac or Larry Brown?

Miami Heat: Mario Chalmers and Michael Beasley are prepared to take the Heat to new highs.

Orlando Magic: Ever since I found out his middle name is Clay, I can’t shake the feeling that J.J. Redick is secretly hoping to get Superman’ed by Dwight Howard.

Washington Wizards: For Halloween, Andray Blatche will dress up as George Michael, and Gilbert Arenas will trick-or-treat in his 2006 Wizards jersey, as the Ghost of All-Star Past.

Next:  Northwest Division

Dad?

Chicago Bulls: After last season’s thrilling beard-off with DeShawn Stevenson, Drew Gooden will bet Adam Morrison on who can grow the thicker Fu Manchu.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Delonte West’s favorite artist is Justin Timberlake, because he knows how to set the mood right (note:  we would’ve also accepted Johnny Gill).

Detroit Pistons: If you ever need to install new windows in your house, I know just the man to call.

Indiana Pacers: Jamaal Tinsley should be traded soon, but for now, his deadly shooting stroke is property of the Pacers.

Milwaukee Bucks: Charlie Villanueva is so used to Andrew Bogut’s self high-fives, he doesn’t even raise an eyebrow.

Next:  Southeast Division

CSKA Moscow shooting guard Trajan Langdon exits the Universal Sports Hall and returns to his one-room apartment in Downtown Moscow. He prepares a dinner of black bread, synthetic foodstuffs, and gin and turns on The Channel.

“–we are at war with UNICS Kazan. UNICS Kazan is our enemy–”

Langdon smirks and heads to the bathroom. When he returns, The Channel is still broadcasting.

“–Khimki Moscow Region is our enemy. We have always been at war with Khimki Moscow Region–”

“Oh shit, we’re playing Khimki tomorrow.”

Trajan shuts off the The Channel, opens his secret journal and begins writing, “Doubledribble does not entail turnover. Doubledribble IS turnover.”

He thinks for a moment, closes the journal and puts it back under his couch cushion.

He heads outside for a walk through the streets of Moscow.

(more…)