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Bird and Laimbeer share a laugh.

Back in the ’70s, NBA fights were routine, and players were rarely fined, much less suspended for their actions.  That all changed when Kermit Washington delivered “The Punch” to Rudy Tomjanovich’s skull, earning him a 60-day league-mandated suspension.  In the 80’s, Bill Laimbeer of the Detroit Pistons’ Baby Boys was known more his fighing than his rebounding (and he got his butt kicked on more than one occasion).  And of course, we all know about the “The Malice at the Palace,” which was the most serious and damaging brawl in NBA history.  But what about the most memorable minor scuffles and slap-fests of the last 20 years?  Let’s take a look.

1.  Alonzo Mourning vs. Larry Johnson (with Jeff Van Gundy) - 4/30/98:

In the final seconds of Game 4 of the 1st Round playoffs (2:35 mark in the video), Larry Johnson shoved his former Hornets teammate, and Zo retaliated by attempting to throw a punch. The two swung and missed more times than Ryan Howard, but neither was able to connect. The best part is that Knicks coach Jeff Van Gundy dived to the ground and grabbed Mourning’s leg while being dragged along the court. This will never be topped. The fight came on the heels of a 1997 brawl, when P.J. Brown flipped Charlie Ward over his head and body-slammed him, resulting in a bench-clearing melee and multiple suspensions for both teams.

2. Chris Mills vs. Bonzi Wells - 12/20/02:

Oh, if only we had video. Mills and Wells were ejected after getting into a shoving match on the court as the game ended, but it didn’t stop there. After Mills couldn’t break into the Blazers’ locker room to confront his enemy, he and and his cousin parked their car in front of Portland’s team bus as it was pulling away from the stadium. He challenged Wells to come out, and then followed the bus all the way out to the airport before driving away. Mills has denied that he was carrying a gun, but would that really surprise anyone? He was suspended three games and Wells was suspended for two.

3. Shaquille O’Neal vs. Brad Miller (with Charles Oakley) - 1/12/02:

Shaq didn’t appreciate a few hard fouls by the Bulls, and took his frustrations out on an unsuspecting Brad Miller. After a flagrant foul courtesy of Charles Oakley, the Diesel reacted by throwing a haymaker at the back of Miller’s head. Luckily, he didn’t connect, or the the Kings wouldn’t have their starting center today. A brawl spilled into the stands, resulting in multiple suspensions; Shaq was suspended for three games, Oak and Miller received one game each.

4. Carmelo Anthony vs. Nate Robinson/Mardy Collins - 12/16/06:

Isiah warned you not to go into the lane! Marty Collins fouled J.R. Smith towards the end of the game, and the two exchanged shoves and had to be separated. And then for some reason, Nate Robinson came into the picture and tackled Smith into the stands. Just when it looked to be over, Melo decided to throw a sucker-punch at Collins, and then back-pedaled away from an irate Robinson. Don’t worry Melo, we all see the Bitch in Yoo for that one. The suspensions were lengthy (games): Anthony (15), Robinson (10), Collins (6), Jared Jeffries (4), plus one game for Jerome James and Nene for leaving the bench area.

5.  Kevin Johnson vs. Doc Rivers (with Greg Anthony) - 3/24/93:

Kevin Johnson body-blocked Doc Rivers to the floor with a stiff forearm, and Rivers charged after him. That precipitated a bench-clearing brawl, that escalated to new heights when Greg Anthony, wearing street clothes, ran in to throw a cheap shot at Johnson just when the fight was being diffused. Anthony was suspended for five games; Johnson and Rivers for two games apiece. Remember that this was 1993 — just imagine what kind of penalties they’d receive today…

6. Kenyon Martin vs. Corey Maggette - 1/6/04:

After Martin committed a hard foul on Maggette, Corey sprung back up and shoved K-Mart to the floor. So, what does Martin do to retaliate? He doesn’t run away like some punk (*cough* Melo *cough*), but jumps back up and gives Maggette a deadly right and left combination before being restrained by his teammates. Maggette, meanwhile, gets held back by Richard Jefferson and takes his beating. Both players were suspended for two games.

7. Kobe Bryant vs. Chris Childs - 4/3/00:

I could’ve put Kobe vs. Ray Allen or Reggie Miller instead but they’re really all the same. Some shoving from both sides and much more talk than action. This one is probably my favorite, just because Childs retaliated to Kobe’s weak elbow with some kind of forearm/punch to the throat (see here) that Kobe seemed to just take. A few more punches were thrown, but of course none of them landed. It’s just a typical NBA scuffle, highlighted only by the star name involved.

8. Marcus Camby vs. Danny Ferry (with Jeff Van Gundy) - 1/15/01:

After getting poked in the eye by Danny Ferry, Marcus Camby took a running start and and threw a windmill punch, despite being held back by several teammates. He ended up missing, because his coach, Jeff Van Gundy (who else), jumped between the two players to break it up. The man is like a bodyguard taking a bullet for the president. Camby was suspended for five games, Ferry for one (not really sure why), and Van Gundy ended up receiving 15…stitches.

9. Karl Malone vs. Dennis Rodman (with Hulk Hogan) - 7/12/98:

Rodman and Malone had so many memorable battles in the Bulls/Jazz Finals on 1997 and 1998, that they decided to settle it once and for all in the wrestling ring. Despite being staged and fake, it remains one of the better fights among NBA players. Here’s a clip from Bash at the Beach 1998 — um, enjoy?

10. Shareef Abdur-Rahim vs. Kenny Thomas - 1/19/02:

Punches slaps were thrown, and both players were ejected and received one-game suspensions. Only mentioned because they’d go on to be teammates in Sacramento and would fight for the starting forward job. Just imagine the locker room tension.

Honorable Mention:

*Latrell Sprewell vs. P.J. Carlesimo - 12/4/97: Spree chocked his coach and earned a 68-game suspension. It didn’t happen on the court, and it’s too bad that we’ll never know how it really went down. Also see: Sprewell vs. yacht wall.

*Matt Bonner vs. Kevin Garnett - 12/15/04:  Yeah, that doesn’t seem like a fair fight. But who knew the Red Rocket had it in him?

*Candace Parker vs. Plenette Pierson (WNBA) - 7/23/08:  I’d rather not talk about this…

Karl Malone is perched up in a tree - decked out in full hunting gear - overlooking a quiet field in Northern Mexico, when his cellphone rings. He checks the number, rolls his eyes and lowers his rifle.

“Mail Man here,” he answers.

“Mail Man. It’s Pick & Roll Boy, the Board needs to meet with us immediately! Where are you?”

“I’m hunting little–er, deer.”

“Well the hunt’s over, Mail Man. Pack up your things and meet me at the Board Room by 0900 hours.”

Stockton hangs up the phone and assures one of the board member’s assistants in the lobby that Malone is on his way.

Just as Karl finishes disassembling his rifle and putting it back in its case he spots a little girl run from one end of the field to the other and disappear over the horizon.

“Damn.” (more…)

The NBA is obviously a hotbed of crazy tattoos.  But while some are creative works of art, others are as generic and unoriginal as they come.  The majority of NBA tats can be grouped into several categories, ranging from standard nicknames to the increasingly-popular use of Chinese characters.  Let’s take a look at each of these and decide which player pulls it off better than the others.  You know, kinda like that US Weekly feature, Who Wore it Best?  Um, wait, forget I said that…

Cartoon Network

Greg Ostertag

Brad Miller

Tim Duncan

Thanks for playing, Brad and Greg (and Damon “Mighty Mouse” Stoudamire), but Timmy is the clear winner here. A serious Dungeons & Dragons fanatic, Duncan has a tattoo of Merlin the Magician (his “alter-ego”) on his back, and another one of Skeleton Jester on his chest. According to the San Antonio Express-News, he actually wanted the back of his NBA jersey to read, “Merlin,” but was denied by the league.  The NBA — where amazing nerdiness happens!

Esoteric Chinese Characters

Shawn Marion

Marquis Daniels

Marcus Camby

We’ll need to consult the fantastic website hanzismatter.com for help with this one. Marion’s tat is supposed to read, “Matrix,” but the literal Chinese translation is “Demon Bird Moth Balls.” Similarly, Daniels’ tattoo is supposed to be of his initials (MAD), but turns out to mean “Healthy Woman Roof.” Camby somehow managed to get his message across correctly (his tattoos mean “strive to be the best” and “clan”), but he makes the cut over a few others for choosing Chinese characters because he “was into a lot of [kung fu] movies.”  His former Nuggets teammate, Kenyon Martin, has a tattoo that’s he thinks means “never satisfied,” but actually reads something a tad less noble: ”to worry about personal gains and losses.”  Daniels gets the prize here — only because he’ll make another appearance right about now…

Fun With Guns

Stephen Jackson

Marquis Daniels

Cherokee Parks

Once again, Daniels wins easily — his tattoo features a guy blowing his head off with a shotgun, while pulling the trigger with his toe. Um…yeah, not much to add here.  Jackson added a tattoo of a pair of praying hands holding a gun on his stomach — in hopes of never using a weapon again — and Parks has an inexplicable (but somehow fitting) gun-toting naked woman on his leg.

My Neck, My Back…

Jameer Nelson

DeShawn Stevenson

LeBron James

Back: It’s a close call, because Jameer Nelson’s 2Pac shout-out scores major points here. But I’m giving it to the originator, LeBron, whose hairy back needed to be waxed four times before that modest message could be applied.

Allen Iverson

Matt Barnes

Kenyon Martin

Neck:  If we’ve learned anything here, it’s that anyone who gets a neck tattoo is not messing around.  I’m going to declare this an unprecedented three-way tie.  Iverson has A LOT of tattoos, and all of them have special meanings, but Matt Barnes is giving AI a run for his money with his staggering collection of bodily art.  Not to be outdone, the pair of lips on Kenyon Martin’s neck are apparently dedicated to his girlfriend (not sure which one).  Dishonorable mention goes to Amare Stoudemire’s choice of lame nickname, which he tattooed in script, and Delonte West, who really creeps me out for some reason.

What’s My Name?

Richard Jefferson

Jason Williams

Mike Bibby

Another tough one. As much as I like the fact that Bibby (who really likes being tattooed) has not one, but two separate tats with his name (plus a couple of others that we’ll discuss shortly), I have to give this one to “White Chocolate.”  You can’t go wrong with a guy who spells out “white boy” across his knuckles.  Props to Jefferson for busting out his etch-a-sketch to make a design, and I’m obligated to mention Lonny Baxter’s shoulder initials, just so he won’t kill me…let’s move on.

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Cover-Up

Chauncey Billups

Mike Bibby

Mike Bibby

A second pair of tats from Bibby — he may not play in Sacramento anymore, but he’s still a King…of Bad Tattoos.  Look closely on the first one, and you’ll notice that yet another “Bibby” is covered up by the cross; the second one has “Tone R.I.P” within the net in memory of a friend, which is admirable, but doesn’t really make much sense.  Nonetheless, he loses out to Billups here.  Chauncey claims the “King of the Hill” tattoo is a reference to his old neighborhood, Park Hill.  Yet, it bears a striking resemblance to the logo of the team that drafted him back in 1997 — the Boston Celtics.  Hmm…is he actually fooling anyone?

Mr. Rodman, you have company…

Robert Swift: 2005

Robert Swift: 2006

Robert Swift: 2007

Honestly, I have no words…

"I was born to be an American TV star!"

Can it be true?  The Maloofs are considering making a Sacramento Kings televised reality series with Mark Burnett, the creator of hit shows such as “The Survivor” and “The Apprentice.” I haven’t been this excited since Woody Allen became my hero — er, I mean Mitch Richmond won All-Star Game MVP.  Why, you ask?  Well, let’s see…

*Listing Shelden Williams’ name in the final credits will secure the team’s first W in the closing seconds.

*Kings fans can always blame Vlade Divac if the show flops.

*We can finally see footage of those priceless locker room conversations between a blazed Brad Miller and Kings rookie Bobby Brown:

“Dude! Did you, like, bring Whitney with you?”
“Nah, Brad. It’s not funny anymore. For the last time, I’m not that Bobby Brown!”
“Pssshht — stop playing, son!  [Starts singing off-key] AND IIIIIIIII EEEEE IIIIIIIIII EEEEE IIIIII will always love YOOOUUUUUUUU…”

Brown rolls his eyes and walks away in disgust. [End scene]

*Cameos from those naughty Kings cheerleaders (here’s the NSFW version)…

*It’s the Tribal Council’s best chance to vote Kenny Thomas’ cap-killing contract off the island…

*They already have a catchy theme song:

*The Maloofs’ company also produces the E! reality show “Living Lohan” — just three more years, and Ali can be all yours, Beno!

*Rumor has it that Spencer Hawes‘ Michael Phelps imitation is uncanny…

*I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but I only wish the Kings still had Ron Artest…happy four-year anniversary!

They used to tell me I was building a dream, and so I followed the mob,

When there was earth to plow, or guns to bear, I was always there right on the job.

They used to tell me I was building a dream, with peace and glory ahead,

Why should I be standing in line, just waiting for bread?

Once I built a railroad, I made it run, made it race against time.

Once I built a railroad; now it’s done. Brother, can you spare a dime?

Once I built a tower, up to the sun, brick, and rivet, and lime;

Once I built a tower, now it’s done. Brother, can you spare a dime?

Once in khaki suits, gee we looked swell,

Full of that Yankee Doodly Dum,

Half a million boots went slogging through Hell,

And I was the kid with the drum!

Say, don’t you remember, they called me Al; it was Al all the time.

Why don’t you remember, I’m your pal? Buddy, can you spare a dime?

Once in khaki suits, gee we looked swell,

Full of that Yankee Doodly Dum,

Half a million boots went slogging through Hell,

And I was the kid with the drum!

Say, don’t you remember, they called me Al; it was Al all the time.

Say, don’t you remember, I’m your pal? Buddy, can you spare a dime?

(Third-string center Mouhamed Sene is suiting up before practice)

Sene: Oh to be Alonzo Mourning

Oh not to be Mouhamed Sene

Oh to be Alonzo Mourning

Except for the cancer he’s great!

(Assistant Coach Brian Keefe strolls by Sene and glances at him peculiarly out of the corner of his eye. He makes his way to the court and passes rookie point guard Russell Westbrook talking up one of the Thunder cheerleaders.)

Westbrook: When I take you out, tonight, with me

Ho, here’s the way it’s goin’ to be

You will set behind a team of jet black Rovers

In the slickest Bentley you ever see!

Chicks and hoes and bitches better scurry

When I take you out in the Bentley

When I take you out in the Bentley with the fringe on top!

Shoshonda: (shaking her head) Nah, I don’t think so Russell. We ain’t s’posed to date you guys.

Westbrook: (pouting) Bitch, I sang for you and shit! (more…)

This is Part 2 of Act Like You Know .  Part 1 can be found here.

Let’s skip the intro and get right to it — NBA players who’ve tried their hand at ’serious’ acting…or at least more than just playing themselves on the big screen.

1.  Shaquille O’Neal:  Much like his rapping career, the Big Aristotle has very little going for him in his movies.  His two big headliners, Kazaam (1996) and Steel (1997), both fell way short of expectations on all fronts.  I could use another free throw joke here, let’s stick to the facts (and percentages).

Kazaam find Shaq playing a genie who grants three wishes to a young boy, after being released from an abandoned magic boom box…and he somehow becomes a famous rapper in the process (no, seriously).  I actually remember watching it as a kid in the theater with my parents, and desperately hoping the boy’s next wish would be for the movie to end.  Not surprisingly, Kazaam received negative reviews from just about every critic, giving it an unbeatable Rotten Tomatoes score of 0%.

Here’s a clip of Shaq and the kid passing the mic — don’t say I didn’t warn you.

In Steel, which is based on a DC Comics superhero, John Henry Irons (Shaq) creates a military suit out of junkyard scraps to fight an evil street gang.  According to Wikipedia, the film cost an estimated $16 million to produce, but grossed under $1.7 million at the box office.  Shaq was also nominated for a Razzie Award for Worst Actor, but couldn’t even beat out Kevin Costner (The Postman) for that honor.  By the way, I’m not a comic book guy, and maybe someone can point out the differences in the comments, but, um, isn’t this just like the backstory for Ironman?

2. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar:  In addition to making cameos on several popular TV shows, including Diff’rent Strokes, Full House, and 21 Jump Street, Kareem has been featured in a handful of movies.  In Airplane (1980), he plays co-pilot Roger Murdock, who pretends he’s not actually the NBA star.  His acting isn’t spectacular, but he ends up playing an unforgettable role in the movie.  Much to his credit, Kareem isn’t above making fun of himself, especially his bad rap as as a defender:

Kareem’s other famous movie appearance is his memorable fight scene against Bruce Lee in Game of Death (1978).  It may not be a speaking part, but his towering martial artist is more believable than all of Shaq’s characters combined.  Unfortunately, Abdul-Jabbar didn’t stop there, and went on to star in the horrendous, straight-to-video clunker, Slam Dunk Ernest (1995).  Kareem plays the “Archangel of Basketball,” who gives Ernest a magical pair of shoes that allow him to jump higher than every other player (hmm…I’m on to you, Bow Wow).  Just one question for the Hall of Famer — why???

3.  Dennis Rodman: Yeah, there’s not much to be said for Rodman’s acting career. In Double Team (1997), he plays Yaz, a crazy arms dealer who teams up with Jean-Claude Van Damme to track down a bad guy. The movie is as lame as it sounds, and even throws in a few corny basketball jokes (shooting a skull like a free throw!).  Rodman ended up winning three “Golden Raspberry Awards,” including Worst Supporting Actor and Worst New Star.  Incredibly, “The Worm” is also the leading man in Simon Sez (1999), in which he plays an Interpol agent who lives in the cellar of a French monastery and in a stark contrast, tries to stop an evil arms dealer.  The movie is over-the-top, ridiculous, and unwatchable, tying Shaq for worst score possible (though Rodman is still infinitely better than costar Dane Cook).

Rodman also has two movies on his IMDB page that I’ve never seen and couldn’t find much about: Coming Attractions (2006) and The Minis (2008).  It should be noted that the plot summary for the latter reads:  “Dwarfs playing basketball…with Dennis Rodman.”  Looks like a genius idea to me.

4.  Ray Allen: Allen played high school basketball star Jesus Shuttlesworth in Spike Lee’s He Got Game, and surprisingly held his own against the likes of accredited actors Denzel Washington and Rosario Dawson. On the surface, it’s another basketball movie, and even features several NBA players — Travis Best, Rick Fox, John Wallace, Walter McCarty — as Allen’s teammates. Yet, it’s really more about a strained relationship between an incarcerated father and his son, as well as the role that basketball plays in each of their lives.  While he received mixed reviews for his performance, Allen is credible and has a few moving scenes with Washington.  His only other notable role was as a basketball player (shocking) in Harvard Man, where he gets little screen time and doesn’t contribute much to the plot.

5. Darius Miles: In The Perfect Score, Miles plays a star basketball player who needs to pass the SAT in order to get into college.  As expected, he’s wooden and detached, though in fairness, his character is supposed to be somewhat quiet and nonverbal.  His performance is also miles (get it) above his two-line cameo in Van Wilder, so at least he’s improving.  The good news is that he’ll have a lot of free time now, since his NBA career appears to be officially over.

Honorable Mention:

*Rick Fox: After getting minor roles in several movies — including Blue Chips, Eddie, and He Got Game — Fox has attempted a serious Hollywood career.  He’s had multi-episode stints on numerous television shows, including Oz, One Tree Hill, Ugly Betty, and Dirt.  That may be enough to put him at #5 on the list, but, well, he’s still Rick Fox.

*Wilt Chamberlain: Wilt’s only credited movie role is as Bombaata, a warrior on a mission to kill Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character in Conan the Destroyer (1984).  But I’m willing to bet that at least one of his 20,000 female companions has filmed a better performance.

This is Part 1 of Act Like You Know .  Part 2 can be found here.

I watched Love And Basketball for the fourth time the other day, and one thing continues to bother me — the casting of Omar Epps in the lead role.  I have nothing against Epps as an actor, but I don’t buy him as a professional basketball player.  There’s just something off about him every time he steps out on the court, especially with the Lakers.  It’s even worse now that I associate him with Dr. Foreman on House.  So, I started thinking — would the movie be any better if the part of Quincy McCall went to say, Will Smith…or how about Ray Allen?  Actually, can any NBA players be good (or even passable) as movie actors?  We know that Paul Pierce, for one,  deserves an Oscar for his stunning performance in Game 1 of the NBA Finals.

Now, of course, it’s not a big stretch for a basketball player to play himself or another athlete in a movie…or so we’d hope.  Part I of this two-part set will focus on movies that feature NBA players “acting” as basketball players, while Part II will look at those who’ve branched out into bigger roles, including Allen in He Got Game.

1. Eddie (1996): John Salley, Rick Fox, Malik Sealy (RIP), Mark Jackson, Dwayne Schintzius, Greg Ostertag, Gary Payton, plus assorted NBA players (49 total) as themselves.

I’m sure every NBA fan has seen this one — Whoopi Goldberg goes from an obnoxious Knicks fan to the team’s coach, and puts the Isiah Thomas era to shame in the process. The best of the NBA players are Ostertag, who plays a dimwitted yokel of a player (yeah, this was a big reach for him); Sealy, who channels his inner Rickey Henderson and refers to himself in the third person; and Schintzius, who plays (?) a moron that speaks only three words of English. The rest of the bunch do just fine in minor roles — Olden Polynice, for instance, shows off his scientific knowledge of a black hole…nah, too easy.

2. Space Jam (1996): Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, Shawn Bradley, Larry Bird, Vlade Divac, Cedric Ceballos, A.C. Green, Derek Harper, Alonzo Mourning, Charles Oakley — all as themselves.

If you’re like me and saw this movie when you were younger, you probably liked it enough to not question the acting abilities of the stars.  Jordan isn’t really asked to do anything out of the ordinary here — he plays basketball and exhibits good sportsmanship, even if he’s sometimes as stiff as the hardwood. After aliens take away the NBA players’ skills, we get to see them do their best Brian Scalabrene impressions. Of course, the cheap laughs again come at the expense of the tall white guy: Shawn Bradley becomes awkward and uncoordinated on the court…in other words, the directors just told him to act natural.

3. Blue Chips (1994): Shaquille O’Neal, Anfernee Hardaway, Larry Bird, Bob Cousy, and several players as themselves, including Allan Houston, Rodney Rogers, Calbert Cheaney, Bobby Hurley, Marques Johnson, Rick Fox, George Lynch, and Chris Mills.

The movie gives a realistic (but fictional) account of behind-the-scenes cheating and corruption in college athletics.  Aside from dunking in the basketball scenes, Shaq gives his usual cringe-worthy performance (much more on this in Part II) in his acting debut.  Penny is surprisingly likable in his recruitment scenes with Nick Nolte; more impressively, he didn’t even injure himself on the set. Fortunately for us, the other players (notably Hurley and Cheaney) are not asked to do much off the court and safely fade into the background.  Cousy and Bird are, well, there.

4. Forget Paris (1995): Charles Barkley, David Robinson, Dan Majerle, Kevin Johnson, Sean Elliott, Patrick Ewing, Tim Hardaway, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bill Laimbeer, Reggie Miller, Chris Mullin, Charles Oakley, Kurt Rambis, John Starks, Isiah Thomas, Spud Webb, Marques Johnson, Reggie Theus — all as themselves.

I’m almost ashamed to admit that I sort of like this movie, even though it’s a romantic comedy.  Billy Crystal plays an NBA referee, and all of the player cameos take place on the court.  As expected, these are mostly in-game action sequences, and require the players to argue with the refs (once again, this hopefully shouldn’t be too hard).  Kareem, Barkley, and Spud Webb, in particular, are very believable in their brief interactions with Crystal, while most of the other players don’t have noteworthy speaking parts.

5. The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh (1979): Julius “Dr. J” Erving, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Meadowlark Lemon (Harlem Globetrotter), and several NBA/ABA players, including Connie Hawkins, Spencer Haywood, Bob Lanier, Cedric Maxwell, and Norm Nixon.

I’m willing to best that most people under 30 aren’t familiar with this one.  Dr. J plays the superstar on a terrible basketball team.  After most of the players quit, in comes an absolutely ridiculous premise; let’s just say it has to do with astrology.  The acting is minimal and beyond wooden (not just the players, either), while attempts at humor predictably fall short.  Even still, I’d recommend watching it, if only for the unintentionally hilarious disco soundtrack.

Honorable Mention:

*Heaven Is A Playground (1991):  Bo Kimble, Hakeem Olajuwon, Kendall Gill

A coach tries to keep his urban high school basketball team out of trouble — as expected, it’s to no avail. Former Clipper Bo Kimble plays a good player who later becomes a bitter loner after a serious knee injury, while Olajuwon and Gill have minor roles as his teammates. Apparently, Michael Jordan was originally supposed to be cast in the movie instead of Kimble, and was sued for by the filmmakers for breach-of-contract.

*Like Mike (2002): Michael Finley, Steve Francis, Allen Iverson, Jason Kidd, Tracy McGrady, Alonzo Mourning, Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, Gary Payton, Jason Richardson, David Robinson, Rasheed Wallace, Gerald Wallace, Chris Webber — all as themselves.

I’m not gonna lie to you — I never saw this movie, but I remember watching an ‘extended preview’ in the theater, which basically showed the whole movie in five minutes. Looking at the stills (Robinson, Kidd) is making me a little nauseous, so let’s move on.  Oh, and FYI, “Like Mike 2” (I had no idea either) doesn’t have any player appearances, unless you count Mark Cuban.

*White Men Can’t Jump (1992):  You may have noticed that Marques Johnson — who had a very solid NBA career during the ’80’s — appeared in two other movies on the list.  As the only professional player in this one, he doesn’t play a big enough role to make the cut.  Side note: I watched this movie when I was 12 or 13 years old, and I remember my dad walking in during one of the sex scenes….um, very bad times.

Another injury or Yao's thoughts on Ron Artest?

Dallas Mavericks:  After admitting to being a pot head, street racing like his name was Bobby Phills, and becoming this generation’s Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, what does Josh Howard have in store for 2009?

Houston Rockets:  If Ron Artest, Yao Ming, and Tracy McGrady play 150 games combined, you’re getting a full refund for this post.

Memphis Grizzlies:  Since they were almost traded for each other, it’s only fair to ask – bigger bust:  Darko Milicic or Zach Randolph?

New Orleans Hornets:  Comparing Chris Paul to Deron Williams is like comparing ”Illmatic” to “Reasonable Doubt” — there’s no right answer here (unless you choose “Illmatic”).

San Antonio Spurs:  That loud banging noise you heard, was a window closing shut…