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The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ is an ongoing project, exploring the potential destinations of the NBA’s foremost advertiser of delicious Vitaminwater, Lebron James (do you have any in delicious dragonfruit flavor?). All thirty teams (and perhaps some European squads) will be analyzed and awarded an arbitrary percentage on their odds of being Lebronorized. Past teams can be accessed here.

Today: The Washington Wizards.. (more…)

The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ is an ongoing project, exploring the potential destinations of the NBA’s foremost Bubblicious bubble gum shill, Lebron James (try Lebron’s new Lightning Lemonade flavor!). All thirty teams (and perhaps some European squads) will be analyzed and awarded an arbitrary percentage on their odds of being Lebronorized.

First up: The Oklahoma City Thunder.. (more…)

Quick, who’s the biggest draft bust in NBA history? LaRue Martin, Chris Washburn, and Dennis Hopson might merit some consideration, but I’m guessing you thought of Sam Bowie. Selected second overall by the Portland Trail Blazers in 1984 — ahead of Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and John Stockton –he had a mediocre and injury-plagued career that serves as a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of drafting for need over potential. While many consider him to be the biggest bust in NBA history, Bowie actually had a serviceable career, especially in his later years with the Nets. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for many of the other players on this list. Here are the biggest draft blunders of the Kevin McHale era.

1. Michael Olowokandi (No. 1 by the Los Angeles Clippers, 1998): Do you think Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis, or Mike Bibby might’ve been the better pick? How about Al Harrington, Jason Williams, or even Nazr Mohammed? You get the point. Olowokandi averaged 8 points and 7 rebounds over his nine-year career, and shot a putrid 43% from the field and under 60% from the foul line. The Clippers traded him to Minnesota after five seasons, and he’d finish his NBA career as a lowly reserve in Boston, playing behind the likes of Brian Scalabrine and Kevinn “Not A Typo” Pinkney. At least those guys picked after him didn’t amount to anything worthwhile.

2. Kwame Brown (No. 1 by the Washington Wizards, 2001): Already a member of the worst trades club, Kwame barely escapes top bust honors. After being selected first overall by then-GM Michael Jordan, Brown had a hard time handling pressure from the media, and especially from Jordan himself. He holds career averages of 7 points and 6 rebounds per game, including one double-figure scoring season in 2003. Although he’s still just 26 years years old, no one is foolish enough to trade Caron Butler or Pau Gasol for him again (okay, who am I kidding — this is still the NBA). Oh, and in addition to the birthday cake incident I mentioned before, Kwame once skipped a playoff practice because his tummy hurt — only to be spotted at a local Chinese restaurant the same night.

3.  Darko Milicic (No 2. by the Detroit Pistons, 2003):  As much as he wants to deny it, Joe Dumars regrets this pick every day.  Sure, the Pistons won a title that season, but would they have been worse off with Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, or Zarko Cabarkapa coming off the bench?  Darko appeared in just 96 games with the Pistons, averaging less than 2 points and barely a rebound, before being traded to Orlando for a mid-range first round pick.  It’s only a matter of time before Hamed Haddadi becomes his, um, daddy in Memphis. Shouldn’t he at least be dating a hot European model or something?

4. Nikoloz Tskitishvili (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 2002): This pick actually makes the Milicic selection look even worse, since it’s hard to imagine a GM gambling on a European big man after watching Tskitishvili. Taken ahead of Amare Stoudemire, Caron Butler, and Carlos Boozer, he played only four seasons in the NBA, averaging less than 3 points and 2 rebounds per game. But at least it’s fun to say Skita, Skita, Skita! No, wait, that’s not that fun either…never mind.  DaJuan Wagner (No. 6 by the Cleveland Cavaliers) also deserves to be mentioned here, but at least he had a decent rookie season (13 ppg)…and um, he no longer has a colon.

5. Rafael Araujo (No. 8 by the Toronto Raptors, 2004): Saying the Raptors blew this pick is an understatement. Here are just a few players taken after “Hoffa:” Andre Iguodala, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, Andris Biedrins, Kevin Martin, Beno Udrih, and Anderson Varejao. I love how his Wikipedia entry says that he “left the NBA” to play in Russia. Right…he left the NBA of his own volition; it had nothing to do with the 2.8 points and 2.8 rebounds he averaged over three seasons.  Araujo attended Minnesota’s training camp this summer, but couldn’t beat out Jason Collins or Calvin Booth for a roster spot on one of the worst teams in the league.

6.  Rodney White (No. 9 by the Detroit Pistons, 2001): Take a look at the 2001 NBA Draft, and scan the players taken after White. I’ll give you a minute. Let’s see, there’s Joe Johnson, Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Troy Murphy, Samuel Dalembert, Kedrick Brown…okay, maybe not Kedrick.  White played one season with the Pistons, before being traded to the Nuggets for Menk Bateer, Don Reid and a future first round pick. Yep, I think that just about says it all. He’s been out of the league since 2005, finishing his 218-game career with career averages of 7 points and 2 rebounds.

7. Jonathan Bender (No. 5 by the Toronto Raptors [traded to Indiana Pacers], 1999): Bender gets a slight pass here because it’s hard to be mad at the guy now. After retiring at the age of 25 due to a debilitating knee condition, he established the Jonathan Bender Foundation, a nonprofit initiative that builds and restores homes in poor New Orleans neighborhoods and offers free classes and basketball clinics.  Nonetheless, Bender averaged just 6 points and 2 rebounds over his nondescript career, appearing in 31 games over his final three seasons.  He was selected ahead of Shawn Marion, Corey Maggette, Wally Szcerbiak, Andre Miller, and Richard Hamilton, and even the man he was traded for, Antonio Davis, somehow became an All-Star.

8. Ed O’Bannon, Nets (No. 9 by the New Jersey Nets, 1995): Ed lasted only two seasons in the NBA after a spectacular career at UCLA, averaging a quiet 5 points for the Nets and Mavericks.  His only saving grace is that, aside from Michael Finley, only a few prominent players were selected after him (Kurt Thomas, Corliss Williamson, Brent Barry).  Oh, and he’s now a car salesman in Nevada — and proud of it!.  I also could’ve gone with Shawn Respert (No. 8 by the Milwaukee Bucks) in this spot, but he later revealed that he battled — and courageously beat — cancer during his disappointing four-year pro career.

9. Marcus Fizer (No. 4 by the Chicago Bulls, 2000):  Let’s make one thing clear:  2000 was a historically bad draft class.  Of the lottery picks, only Kenyon Martin, Mike Miller, and Jamal Crawford have had solid NBA careers.   But Stromile Swift, DeMarr Johnson, Chris Mihm, and Jerome Moiso?  Any of these guys can claim a spot on this list, so, why did I choose Marcus Fizer?  Because he’s the only one who’s been an NBA Development League MVP. Ha, take that, critics!  Oh, and in addition to Miller and Crawford, Michael Redd (taken at #43!), Hedo Turkoglu, and Joel Pryzbilla were also drafted after him.

10.  Shelden Williams (No. 5 by the Atlanta Hawks, 2005):  I don’t want to diss Mr. Candace Parker yet again, so I’ll keep this brief.  Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, and Rudy Gay were taken after him in succession.  His numbers have decreased in each of his first three seasons, and he can’t get off the Kings’ bench during a rebuilding year.  Oh, and he’s ugly as all hell (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

Dishonorable Mention:

Fran Vasquez (No. 11 by the Orlando Magic, 2005)
Trajan Langdon (No. 11 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 1999)
Todd Fuller (No. 11 by the Golden State Warriors, 1996)
Luke Jackson (No. 10 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 2004)
Tony Battie (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 1997)
Frederic Weis (No. 15 by the New York Knicks, 1999)
Saer Sene (No. 10 by the Seattle SuperSonics, 2006)

(Glen Davis limps into the Celtics locker room as Kevin Garnett is laying into Ray Allen.)

KG: Twenty-three points?! That’s all you’ve got in you, Shuttlesworth? You knock-kneed motherfucker, I wanna see forty-three points out of you next time!

Ray: I thought I had a pretty solid game, Kevin.

Doc: (shaking some sort of smoking spiced African herb around the room, pats Ray on the shoulder) You did; you had a wonderful game, Walter Ray. Ubuntu. Ubuntu.

KG: (rips off an undershirt, Hogan-style, revealing another undershirt underneath) RAAR!! You can always do betterrrrrr!!! (more…)

(Monta Ellis is sulking outside Oracle Arena as a calm winter snow blankets the Bay Area. Stephen Jackson walks out to the curb and sits down next to him.)

Jackson: What’s wrong, Monta? Christmas got ya down?

Ellis: I just don’t get it, Stephen. What’s the meaning of all this? Gadgets and trinkets and Applebee’s gift cards; it’s all gotten so danged commercial!

Jackson: Mmm, Applebee’s.. You ever had one of those quesadilla towers?

Ellis: I’m about to swear off Christmas forever!

Jackson: (thinking to himself) Shit, and I just bought this boy a new moped.. (more…)

(Yi Jianlian is suiting up for practice early Tuesday morning when he is approached by a reporter)

Wong: Mr. Jianlian. Wing Wang Wong, Hong Kong Gazette. I’d like to ask you a few questions.

Yi: I must practice.

Wong: Just a second, Yi. Is it true you may not actually be 21 years old? That you may in fact be older, perhaps 24?

Yi: (adjusting his dentures) That is incorrect.

Wong: Is it true you lied about your age in order to play on the Chinese national team at an earlier age?

Yi: (chugs Metamucil) You are wrongful and misguided.

Wong: Mr. Jianlian, I have elementary school records here proving otherwise..

Yi: (turning up his hearing aid) Your research has proven infactual.

Wong: Mr. Jianlian, if you could just give me a straight answer..

(Yi Jianlian stands up with the aid of his walker and immediately falls to the ground, frantically pressing his LifeAlert bracelet)

Yi: Help! I have become prone…and I cannot, of my own accord, become vertical again!

For a look at the worst trades of the McHale era, check out Part I of this three-part series.

As hard as it is to believe, no Kevin McHale transaction can compare to the Atlanta Hawks signing John Koncak (career averages: 4.5 points, 4.9 rebounds ) to a six-year, $13 million deal in 1989.  Sure, that doesn’t sound like a lot of money today, but at the time, it made him one of the highest paid players in the league.  Only in the NBA could Jon “Contract” be making more than Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Larry Bird.  Say what you will about McHale, but he never overpaid a stiff and talentless white center.  Well, unless you count Mark Madsen, but he gets a pass for simply being awesome.  Narrowing down the list to the ten worst contracts of the McHale era (1995 - 2008) proved to be incredibly difficult, and some horrific moves from the likes of Billy King and Isiah Thomas failed to make the cut.  Let’s get to it.

1. Jim McIlvaine (5 years, $33.6 million), Seattle SuperSonics: After backing up Gheorge Muresan for two years in Washington, McIlvaine, fresh of a season in which he averaged 2.3 points, 2.9 rebounds, and 2.1 blocks per game, received a staggering contract offer from the Sonics. He responded with career-highs of 3.8 points and 4.0 rebounds the following season, and then declined statistically for the next four years while battling injuries. More importantly, the signing angered superstar Shawn Kemp, who had asked for an extension after leading Seattle to the NBA Finals.  Can you really blame him when Jim McIlvaine was making more money?  The locker room rift caused Seattle to trade Kemp to Cleveland for Vin “Hiccup” Baker (more on him later), where the former ‘Reign Man’ took his frustration out on defenseless pastries (and all the single ladies). The Sonics were never able to fully recover, and ended up moving to Oklahoma City this season…it’s all McIlvaine’s fault, Seattle fans.

2. Travis Knight (7 years, $22 million), Boston Celtics:  Ah, one of Rick Pitino’s finest moves as the Celtics GM was there when Travis Knight walked through that door. Apparently, 4.8 points, 4.5 rebounds, and being 7′0″ tall, was enough to hand Knight a ridiculous seven-year contract in 1997.  He was traded back to Los Angeles after one mediocre season in Boston, and fittingly spent his final three years in bad contract heaven, New York.  He finished his career with averages of 3.4 points and 3.1 rebounds, though he does hold the NBA playoff record for quickest disqualification…seriously, he does.

3. Bryant Reeves (6 years, $61.8 million), Vancouver Grizzlies: Wait a minute — another goofy white guy getting crazy money for no discernible reason?  I’m sensing a theme here. “Big Country” put up respectable numbers in his first two seasons (a few more blocks would be nice from a seven-footer, but hey), and the Grizz decided he was in line for a huge extension.  Reeves had his best statistical season in 1997, before discovering the local buffet specials.  He reported to training camp 40 pounds (!) overweight prior to the 1998 season, and shockingly developed back problems.  His team-eating contract made him impossible to trade, and devoured much of Vancouver’s limited cap space. He retired during the 2001/02 season after being unable to fit into his warm-ups.

4.  Tariq Abdul-Wahad (6 years, $43 million), Denver Nuggets: The Nuggets rewarded Abdul-Wahad, who played all of 15 games for the team after being acquired from Orlando, with an extension prior the start of the 2000/01 season.  He averaged four points in 29 games the following season, and was then traded to the Mavericks.  So what did Mr. Abdul-Wahad do in Dallas?  He put up 3.2 points in 18 games over two seasons, and hasn’t even put a uniform since 2003.  The Mavs paid him — you might want to sit down for this — $24.75 million for those valuable services through 2007.

5. Allan Houston (6 years, $100 million), New York Knicks: Although Houston’s deal is slightly more justifiable than some of the ones above, any player who gets a rule named after his awful contract belongs high on the list.  And besides, the effect on the already dreadful Knicks’ cap situation can’t be overstated.  In 2001, GM Scott Layden inexplicably handed him a maximum extension through the 2006/07 season, when Houston would be 35.  He’d play one full season and parts of the next two, before retiring due to a chronic knee condition (he’d also fail at two subsequent comebacks).  Houston’s $19-million per year salary was among the highest in the league in 2005/06 — when he didn’t play a single game.  In fact, he “earned” nearly $40 million for barely stepping on the court.  Speaking of which…

6.  Jerome James (5 years, $30 million), New York Knicks: As we’ve seen, NBA GMs have overpaid for size above skill on numerous occasions (several more are listed in the dishonorable mentions below), but few can top the curious case of Jerome James.  After averaging 5 points and 3 rebounds during the regular season, James exploded for 13 points and 7 rebounds in 11 games in the playoffs.  Every blogger in the world joked that Isiah Thomas would be dumb enough to sign him…and, of course, he did.  James put up 3 points and 2 rebounds in 44 games the following year, and has actually regressed since then.  He played a total of 5 minutes in two games during the 2007-08 season, making his only field goal attempt and two free throws, which gave him the best field goal and free throw percentage the entire league. So, there’s that.

7.  Juwan Howard (7 years, $105 million), Washington Bullets: Howard earned his first All-Star berth in 1996, and signed a $101-million contract with the Miami Heat.  Unfortunately (for Washington), that deal violated salary cap rules and was disallowed by the NBA.  So, the Bullets — bidding against no one — decided to make Howard, the first $100-million-man in NBA history.  He averaged a semi-respectable 18 points and 8 rebounds in five seasons in DC, but was booed mercilessly for never living up to expectations of being one of the league’s highest-paid players, and tied up much of the team’s cap space.  In one of Michael Jordan’s best moves as GM (no sarcasm!), he was traded to Dallas for Christian Laettner and the poo poo platter with three years left on his deal.  Howard would finish out the last two seasons in Denver, before bouncing around more area codes than Ludacris.

8.  Howard Eisley (7 years, $41 million), Utah Jazz: I’m not sure how being a mediocre, 28-year-old backup point guard equates to $41 million of guaranteed money, but I guess that’s why I’m not an NBA GM.  Eisley was signed by Utah and traded to the Mavericks prior to the 2000 season. After one season in Dallas, he was dealt to the one team that would agree to take back his cap-killing contract.  Any guesses?  Yep, New York, where Eisley averaged 7 points and 4 assists for the duration of his deal. At least they didn’t sign a one-dimensional shooting guard to a nine-figure extension around the same time — oh, right.

9.  Vin Baker (6 years, $86.7 million), Seattle SuperSonics: Baker put in a career season with Milwaukee in 1997, and was acquired by Seattle in a sign-and-trade for Kemp. He played well in his first year as a Sonic (19 points, 8 rebounds), before packing on the pounds — reportedly ballooning up to 300 lbs — and getting his Goose on during the NBA lockout.  Baker’s alcoholism ruined his career and turned him into the league’s biggest disappointment and running joke. He was traded to the Boston Celtics (for Kenny Anderson and Vitaly Potapenko), and entered into the alcohol treatment program. Boston ended up terminating his contract after Coach Jim O’Brien smelled alcohol on his breath during practice.  I’m taking it easy on the drunk jokes here, because I really do feel kinda bad for the guy…especially now that his house and restaurant have been foreclosed.

10.  Raef LaFrentz (7 years, $70 million), Dallas Mavericks: LaFrentz averaged 13 points and 7 rebounds over his first four seasons with Denver.  And then Mark Cuban gave him an enormous extension after acquiring him midway through the 2001/02 season in the same trade as Abdul-Wahad (good one, Cubes!).  LaFrentz didn’t fit in well with Don Nelson’s system, and his statistics declined across the board the following year.  He’s become more known for his salary than on-the-court contributions, getting shipped to Boston and then Portland strictly as cap filler.  LaFrentz has appeared in 65 games over the last three seasons combined (zero games in 2008/09), and is currently in the final year of that same contract — he’s entitled to $12.7 million for warming the Blazers bench.  What a life.

Dishonorable Mention (by total contract value):  How sad is it that none of these contracts — especially Cardinal and Foyle — can crack the top-10 worst of the last 13 years?

The NBA: Where Amazingly Bad Contracts Happen!

*Rashard Lewis (6 years, $110 million), Magic
*Grant Hill (7 years, $93 million), Magic
*Kenyon Martin (7 years, $91 million), Nuggets
*Penny Hardaway (7 years, $84 million), Suns
*Brian Grant (7 years, $84 million), Heat
*Erick Dampier (7 years, $73 million), Mavs
*Tim Thomas (6 years, $67 million), Bucks
*Austin Croshere (7 years, $51 million), Pacers
*Adonal Foyle (6 years, $42 million), Warriors
*Brian Cardinal (6 years, $37 million), Grizzlies
*Todd MacCulloch (6 year, $34 million), Nets
*Calvin Booth (6 years, $34 million), Sonics
*Vitaly Potapenko (6 year, $33 million), Celtics

(During an afternoon practice, Shaq is courtside chewing on something, when he is approached by Coach Porter)

Porter: Hey Shaq, whatcha eatin’?

Shaq: Mmmfmm.

Porter: Nothin’, huh? Who’s shoe is that?

Shaq: Thaf naw shoo.

Porter: Yeah, that’s a shoe. You ate another person, didn’t you?

Shaq: (grovels at the ground and wipes his mouth) Yes, sir. (more…)

(Mike Dunleavy is in his cigar parlor replaying the Elton Brand injury on his 70-inch plasma screen.)

Dunleavy: Baahahahhaahahaahahahaaaa! Baaaaaaaahaahaaahahahahaha! (catches breath, wipes tear away from eye, rewinds, watches Brand fall again) Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha! (checks Pacific Division standings online) Heh. Ahem.. (drinks deeply from brandy snifter, shuts off television, sits in dark, waits for rooster crow to signal sunrise).