www.lowposts.com

The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ is an ongoing project, exploring the potential destinations of the man who will most likely re-sign with his current team before this series is finished, Lebron James. All thirty teams (and perhaps some European squads) will be analyzed and awarded an arbitrary percentage on their odds of being Lebronorized. Past teams can be accessed here.

Today: The Golden State Warriors.. (more…)

(It is the final week of the Knicks’ 1993-94 regular season. In the minutes leading up to a game against the Hawks, star forward Anthony Mason pulls sharpshooter John Starks aside..)

Anthony: Yo, JimJam!

John: Please stop calling me that, Anthony.

Anthony: Enough JimJam, enough.

John: (audible groan)

Anthony: Don’t you audibly groan at me, JimJam!

John: What do you want, Anthony?

Anthony: I wanna teach you something, JimJam.

John: What could you possibly teach me? How to shave racial epithets into the side of my head?

Anthony: (chuckling)  Oh, I don’t think you’re quite ready for that just yet, JimJam..

John: What then?

Anthony: JimJam, I wanna teach you about the birds and the bees. (more…)

Photographer: Hey Tim, congrats on the all star spot.

Tim Duncan: Thank you.

Photographer: Feeling photogenic today?

Duncan: No?

Photographer: Alright…  I know this isn’t your first rodeo. Let’s get rolling. You’ll be needing this.

(The photographer meekly bounces the ball to Tim)

Duncan: What was that? Let’s try it again, only this time you PASS me the ball.

(Tim fires a laser that the photographer catches off his chest)

Photographer: (wincing) Okay…

(The photographer puts everything he has behind his chest pass back to Tim)

Duncan: (unimpressed) Better, I guess.

Photographer: Okay. Let’s start this off simple. Just hold the ball in your right hand and give me your best smile.

Duncan: Got it.

Photographer: (taking pictures) That’s great.

Photographer: Really good.

Photographer: We need a smile.

Photographer: Bigger smile.

Duncan: (straining) hrmmmrrrrpphh.

Photographer: More! I really need you to grin!

Photographer: Alright…. let’s see… You just pushed Joe Crawford down a flight of stairs.

Photographer: PERFECT! (taking pictures) That’s the stuff.

Photographer: Let’s get a few of you looking over your right shoulder.

Duncan: Like this?

Photographer: Excellent. Hold that pose and give us a smile.

Photographer: (taking pictures) Nice. Keep it up.

Photographer: Good stuff.

Photographer: Big smile.

Photographer: Let’s see those pearly whites.

Duncan: (straining) eeeeeeeerhhhphhhh.

Photographer: Hmm. Okay…. You just heard that RC Buford traded for a REAL center.

Redd: (collapsing to the ground)  Ahhhhhh! My anterior cruciate and medial collateral ligaments! Arrrghhh!!

(Joe Alexander rushes to his fallen teammate)

Alexander: Whoa, whoa! What seems to be the problem here?

Redd: My leg’s busted up pretty bad, Joe! Ooh it hurts!

Random Courtside Fan: You should put some ice on it. (more…)

As much as I like a few current NBA player commercials, such as the Charles Barkley and Dwyane Wade T-Mobile spots, they just don’t have the same charm as the late ’80s and mid-’90’s classics. Today’s generation of NBA stars dream of being actors and global icons, and as a result, the more polished and better-written advertisements often end up being less interesting and memorable. Instead of showcasing the ‘best’ commercials of all-time, here’s a list of the funniest ones ever made.

1. Larry Bird, Chardon Jeans: I don’t think it’s possible to have a more awesome commercial where the star doesn’t even have to say a word. You gotta love the grinding roller-skating waitresses and cheesy ’80’s music, but is Bird’s ass pressed up against the arcade game supposed to sell jeans?  When did the hick from French Lick become a sex symbol? This Celtics restaurant ad deserves to be mentioned here, too, if only we had better quality.

2. Magic Johnson, Kentucky Fried Chicken: We already know that Magic’s attempt at a late-night talk show failed miserably, and that was after he took speech lessons. It’s actually hard to understand how his on-the-court charisma never translated to the camera. There are quite a few awful Magic commercials from the late ’80’s and early ’90’s, but this absurd KFC ad is my favorite, just barely edging out his anti-drug PSA, “Don’t Foul Out!”  Can you tell he’s reading cue-cards?

3. Shaquille O’Neal, All-Sport: Shaq commercials could take up the next seven spots, since he had several terrible Pepsi ones, and this borderline-homoerotic Taco Bell ad with Hakeem Olajuwon (whoever thought this was a good idea should be fired). But the All-Sport one takes the cake for being so corny and badly out-dated, and plus, is it just me, or does the ball not even go in on Shaq’s over-the-shoulder, full court shot at the end? They couldn’t even get that right?

4. Larry Johnson, Converse: I had a Larry Johnson “Grandmama” poster on my wall as a kid, and I remember my mom thinking it was really weird. Looking back back now, I couldn’t agree more. I mean, why in the world would you dress up an NBA superstar as an elderly drag-queen, and does anyone understand what’s going on in these commercials?  It’s just laughably bad, and I’m getting more and more creeped out every time I play it.  Let’s move on.

5. Gheorge Muresan, Snickers: One of few intentionally funny commercials on the list, this Muresan spoof on Michael Jordan cologne is absolutely brilliant — major props to the big man for being such a good sport. There’s another Muresan ad that my friends and I loved, where he misses a shot and then says, “Score one for the kids!” I would honestly buy anything this hilarious man tried to sell me…well, except a copy of “My Giant.”

6. Vince Carter, Nike: Another head-scratcher — Vince Carter doing cartwheels and somersaults down the street in a Craig Sager-esque purple suit, rescuing a cat out of a tree and shooting it back to the owner like a fade-away jumper…makes perfect sense to me.  And did Joe Budden need cash that badly to provide the music?  It’s too bad it cuts off after 59 seconds, and we don’t get to see Carter falling to the floor and clutching his leg in agony for the next 15 minutes.

7. Darryl Dawkins, Wheaties: This would’ve been higher on the list if Mr. Chocolate Thunder had more than just a single bar to rap — a gimmick which of course, never fails when it comes to athletes — but he makes the most of what he’s given. If I’m not mistaken, the line is, “Before I slam my gorilla dunkies, I get the eaties for my Wheaties.” Oh, just imagine the comedy if only Dawkins had decided to venture out into a music career…then again, he’d still be better than Shaq or Kobe.

8. Magic Johnson, Isiah Thomas, Kevin McHale, Mark Aguirre, Bernard King, Larry Bird, Converse: Speaking of NBA players trying to rap, this classic Converse commercial features several ’80’s stars showing off their funky flows about the Converse Weapon.  Shockingly, Kevin McHale comes the closest to actually being on-beat, while Bird doesn’t even try to rap and flat-out says his lines. And no, I have no idea what Magic is trying to do here either.

9. Penny Hardaway, Nike: I’m sure everyone loved these Lil’ Penny commercials back in the day, which featured Chris Rock’s voice and appearances from Tyra Banks (back when she was damn fine) and Spike Lee. They were all pretty funny — I’m guessing limited dialogue for Penny and a professional comedian helped a little. I remembering thinking it was so cool to say Lil’ Penny’s lines on the basketball court…I regret that decision now.

10. Michael Jordan and Larry Bird, McDonalds: No list would be complete with this classic, which is arguably the most famous NBA commercial ever made.  Two legends playing a crazy game of horse is enough to warrant a chuckle by itself, but Bird’s, um, “acting” — it’s not a coincidence that he lands in three of the top ten — and Jordan’s ridiculous shirt pattern take it to another level. Oh, and I’m not sure why, but the voice-overs in this Spanish version just kill me.

Honorable Mention:

*Dominique Wilkins, Danny Ainge, Byron Scott, Doc Rivers, Nike:  Which name doesn’t belong?
*Charles Barkley, Reebok:  Not really sure what’s going on here…
*David Robison and Gary Payton, Nike:  ‘The Glove’ always comes through.
*Shawn Kemp, Reebok: Similar to the Barkley one, but even more confusing.
*Brent Barry, HEB:  It’s a local ad, but wow…
*Classic Sprite:  No NBA players, but it’s still one of the funniest basketball-themed ads ever.

(Monta Ellis trots onto the Oracle Arena court to the raucous applause of Warriors fans and shakes hands with the opposing Cavaliers..)

Ellis: (to himself)  Alright! I’m back on the court! This is gonna be great, I can’t wait!

(Off the tip, Lebron James penetrates the lane and dunks on Monta Ellis)

Ellis: (lands on his butt)  Oof! (more…)