Bob Ryan is a pompous windbag. But you knew that already..
Did you know that Bob won the prestigious seven-year-old Dick Schaap Award for Outstanding Journalism in 2006? Other recipients? Bob Costas & Mitch Albom. There must be a height requirement.
But Bob Ryan? Really? As Bobby Knight might say, “I know Dick Schaap; and you, sir, are no Dick Schaap.” Of course I don’t know Dick Schaap. And for all I know he might be Dick Schaap. Is he Dick Schaap?
Today, Bob Ryan invites us into his time machine. C’mon in, there’s candy! The year? 1959. The place? Well…Boston, I guess. Adjust the flux Bobryaner! To infinity & beyond!
(Bob Ryan’s pompous windbaggery in bold, my snappy zingers in plain.)
Filling It Up
Goodness gracious, Bob!
Whatever else happens at the TD Banknorth Garden when the Celtics play the Indiana Pacers on Friday night,
Like Stephon Marbury repeatedly stabbing Mike Dunleavy Jr. in the face..
it’s not likely to match what took place at the original Boston Garden when the Celtics took on the Minneapolis Lakers and their sensational rookie Elgin Baylor 50 years ago to the day.
So you’re saying Troy Murphy is not as good as Elgin Baylor?
That is, unless someone is planning scoring 173 points. Yes, the Celtics set all kinds of scoring records that Saturday afternoon
“They even scored on my mom!”
– Feb. 27, 1959 —
Hey! That date is also today’s date!!
as they established a franchise single game scoring record that still stands by beating the Lakers, 173-139.
Yeah! Suck it, LA! Or…Minneapolis..
It was the Celtics’ 17th consecutive victory over the Lakers, who were playing their final year in the Twin Cities before relocating to Los Angeles, where you might say a few good things have happened.
Yeah, Magic got all that AIDS..
The times were a bit different then.
Less AIDS.
Do you think we could ever have a circumstance today in which a game with the Lakers is preceded by a basketball clinic sponsored by this newspaper?
NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Now we’re lucky they don’t charge us to get in).
Because nationally-published sportswriters don’t get paid nearly enough..
But that’s what we had at the Garden that day. Not only did Red Auerbach, Frank Ramsey and Sam Jones provide instruction for the 4,000 or so young’uns assembled for the 9th annual Globe/Celtics Basketball Clinic, but so, too, did both Lakers veteran Vern Mikklesen (a power forward before we had that term)
Back then, we called them “Polish Shortstops”..
and the aforementioned Mr. Baylor, who was busy reinventing the game of basketball for us all by turning what had always been a strict horizontal or vertical game into a diagonal demonstration of athleticism heretofore unseen. In case no one has told you, Elgin Baylor is the most important figure of the last 60 years in shaping the actual artistry of the game.
He’s also revolutionized making shitty draft picks.
From Elgin Baylor sprang Dr. J,
Like..out of him?
and then Michael and now Kobe and LeBron.
It’s like a Russian Babushka doll of personalitylessness!
Trust me on this one.
Nope.
Anyway, can you imagine coming to the next Celtics-Lakers game and getting, free of charge, a clinic with Doc, KG, Paul, Ray, Pau and Kobe?
MY BRAIN CANNOT FATHOM SUCH MADNESS!
I’m not sure if defense was addressed during that clinic. Let’s hope not.
LOL! Cuz they scored lots of points, you guyz!
The Celtics were expecting to win, of course, but there was some pregame angst because Bill Russell was nursing a strained tendon in his right leg and couldn’t play.
Pussy.
It did not turn out to be a problem.
Or did it?..
It just kinda happened.
“My penis just kinda flopped out of my trousers and everyone in the schoolyard saw it. It was an honest mistake, Officer!”
The Celtics started out hot and never cooled off.
They should’ve had some refreshing Nestea Iced Tea! Now with lemon!
They led 40-30 after one, 83-64 at the half and 121-95 after three. Meanwhile, Bob Cousy was piling up the assists, and after a while people realized he had a shot at the existing one-game record of 21, held by Richie Guerin of the Knicks.
Yeah! Suck it, Guerin!
He was taken out of the game with the record tied, but when someone apprised Auerbach of the situation, the redhead immediately put The Cooz back in the game.
The Redhead & The Cooz, coming to ABC. Sundays this fall.
Soon he had number 22. And then numbers 23, 24, 25, 26, 27 and 28. The record was tied four years later by Philadelphia’s Guy Rodgers.
Aw screw you, Guy!
John Stockton also had a 28 in 1991.
You’re cool.
It still stands at number three, behind Scott Skiles’s 30 and Kevin Porter’s 29, but in the eyes of ultra-purists it remains number one because it was not puffed up by semi-bogus assists on such tomfoolery as three-pointers, which didn’t even exist in Cousy’s day.
Back in my day, we scored two points and we liked it!
And forget about three-pointers.
Done.
The concept of what merits an assist has been significantly broadened
Like my waist.
– some would say cheapened —
Like my career.
over the years so badly that it’s safe to say Cousy would easily average 13 or 15 a game today. In those days an assist pretty much meant a lay-up and would never be attached to anything requiring more than one, or possibly two, dribbles after reception.
Dribbles After Reception (DAR). I guarantee you Daryl Morey keeps that stat.
As for Guy Rodgers, a very good player whom many think belongs in the Hall of Fame, he had the benefit of throwing the ball into Wilt Chamberlain.
The jerk..
Anyway, The Cooz finished that game with a gaudy 31 points and 29 assists, thereby accounting for 89 of those 173 all by himself.
Maths!
“I never saw anything like that in my 13 years of professional basketball,” Auerbach said. “I heard he had a chance to break the record. So I rested him for a minute and sent him right back to bust it.”
An’ he bust the shit out it!
The teams combined to hoist it 267 times.
I don’t ever need to hear Bob Ryan say “hoist it” again.
Tom Heinsohn had 28 of Boston’s 143 attempts, making 18 en route to a career-high 43.
He gets a Tommy Point.
The Celtics placed seven men in doubles, while the Lakers had six. There were 183 rebounds available.
For sale?
The 173 has since been surpassed, of course. The current record high game is Detroit’s 1983 186-184 triumph over Denver, a game in which four men had 40 or more (Kiki Vandeweghe and Alex English for Denver; Isiah Thomas and John Long for Detroit.) But that one took four overtimes.
So it sucks. Ours is better.
What does remain, however, is Boston’s 72 field goals in a 48-minute game. This figure has never been surpassed.
And never shall! I declare it, in the name of all that is good & Bob Ryan!
Commissioner Maurice Podoloff was not amused when he heard the score.
That’s too many points! Raaaaaaaaaaarrrrr! Score less!
In fact, he was infuriated, so much so that he said he would summon the officials to inquire if the teams had been “goofing off” rather than trying to play defense.
K.C. Jones was just doing somersaults up & down the court.
Minneapolis coach John Kundla took his beating like a man.
I whimpering, sniveling shell of a man.
“I just hope we can shake the effects of this one,” he said. “There was little we could do about their phenomenal shooting, although after staying with them for a while. We really played bad defense over the second half.”
This was the 50’s. Shouldn’t he have ended that by popping the collar on his leather jacket and saying “Ayyyyyyy.”
A 52-point Celtics fourth quarter might be what he was alluding to.
The Lakers did “shake it off.”
And then properly zipped up their flies and washed their hands thoroughly.
Playing the Philadelphia Warriors the next night in Camden, NJ (I said things were different then),
Caucasians weren’t afraid to go into Camden!
they pulled one out.
Hey now!
As for the Celtics, they lost a 104-102 game the next night in St. Louis when, according to them, Bob Pettit goaltended a potential game-tying shot by Cousy at the buzzer.
You will burn in hell, Pettit! In hellllllllllllllllllllllllll!!!
“AUERBACH CLAIMS ‘GOALTENDING’”, read the headline. “It was goaltending as flagrant as anything I’ve ever seen,” he fumed.
He then put his cigar out in a towel boy’s eye.
Well, not everything has changed.
Zing.
~~~
Thanks for the trip down Memory Lane, Bob. Just wish you hadn’t held my hand the whole way..
