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Nelson: Easy now, monkey. Eeeasy..

Monkey: Ooh ooh ah!

Nelson: Where’d you even get that thing?

(Anthony Randolph enters Coach Don Nelson’s office..)

Randolph: Hey Coach, I just dropped by to–Whoa. (more…)

(Warriors forward Anthony Randolph enters Coach Don Nelson’s office..)

Randolph: Hey there. Anthony Randolph here. Coach?

Nelson: (face pressed directly against computer screen)  Slim. Sit down. Urgent.

Randolph: What’s up?

Nelson: Swine flu.

Randolph: Oh yeah, I heard about that. They closed Mexico. (more…)

Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.

Y’all Don’t Know is an ongoing exploration into all that is sinister, weird, creepy-crawly and loosey-goosey around us.

Did you know that there are mysterious, unexplainable energies whirling all around us as we speak? NO! ‘Cause Y’all Don’t Know!

Today on Y’all Don’t Know, we’re gonna talk about aliens! (more…)

(Late Monday night, Matt Carroll & Josh Howard are in their San Antonio hotel room with a Spurs phone directory..)

Carroll: Let’s dial Matthew Bonner first!

Howard: Tell him his face is killin’ me! (giggles)

Carroll: Oh!  (chortles, dials)

Bonner: (drowsy)  Hrm…hello?

Carroll: Matthew Robert Bonner?

Howard: (stifled giggle) (more…)

There’s a fun storyline as the WNBA enters its 13th season — yes, it really has been around that long — the almost two-fold increase in brother-sister duos. The McCants are a less than a month away from joining the likes of the Udokas and the Parkers (er, not that crappy UPN sictom with Mo’Nique that I may have secretly enjoyed), from being the fifth pairs of siblings to represent the NBA and WNBA. And no, Joakim Noah doesn’t count for both leagues. The big question now is, which pair would win in a two-on-two tournament?

Ime and Mfon Udoka hold the distinction of technically being the first brother-sister combo in the pros, so let’s get this out of the way quickly.  It’s like the Jacksons inviting Tito to the family reunion. Mfon averaged less than three points in 31 career games, and spent most of her career overseas.  Ime bounced around the NBA before eventually finding his niche as the poor man’s Bruce Bowen with the Spurs. Then again, if Ime can show Mfon the proper way to step on a player’s foot when he or she goes up for a jump shot, they might sneak up on people.

Anthony and Candace Parker are likely the best-known and most talented duo.  Anthony is a two-time Euroleague MVP and has made announcers orgasm on live television with his daggers.  Candace not only leads him in career dunks in the pros, two to one, but also became the first woman to win Rookie of the Year and MVP in the same season.  I have no idea how she found time to do all that and still star in my nightly fantasies.  Even though Candace is currently out with a uterus, the Parkers are the odds-on favorites to win it all.

Rudy and Marta Fernandez: Marta is coming back for a second stint with the Sparks, and um, has some nice highlights. Rudy, meanwhile, had a terrific first season in Portland, but is best known for being on the receiving end of a Trevor Ariza cheap shot and for pulling a Birdman at the Slam Dunk Contest. I should also note that everything he says makes me laugh hysterically, and I’ve developed a bit of man crush.  Um, let’s move on before this gets awkward.  Okay, one more clip.

Rashad and Rashanda McCants: You can never bet against a man who once compared basketball to jail, has been benched and kicked out of countless games, and apparently ruined basketball for one blogger. While Rashanda hasn’t made the headlines as much as her big brother, by all accounts, the apple (and um, the seed, yeesh) didn’t fall far from the tree.  I’m still trying to figure out how they both went to same school, have virtually identical names, and started their pro careers in the same city.  Something doesn’t feel right here…

Shaquille and Shaquana O’Neal:  Big brother is a 15-time All Star and four-time NBA champion, who’s become notorious for  missing offseason work-outs for “personal reasons.”   Shaquana has been a consistent force in the paint (and the local Burger King), and is best known for a series of unsuccessful WNBA commercials with the slogan “Expect Weight.” She also reportedly showers in full uniform.  If we can get them in the same room together, we have our winner.

(Warriors rookie Anthony Randolph enters Coach Don Nelson’s office..)

Randolph: Hey Coach, you wanted to see me?

Nelson: Sit down, Anthony.

Randolph: What’s up, Coach?

Nelson: Anthony, you’re the future of the Golden State Warriors. I want you to become the leader of this group. You’ve got the most natural talent I’ve ever seen in an athlete and I think you can take the Warriors to levels they haven’t seen since the Philadelphia days. I want to teach you about leadership. I want to teach you about dedication. I want to teach you about the champion mentality.

Randolph: Great Coach, whaddya have in mind?

Nelson: You ever been to a cockfight? (more…)

I’ve made an executive decision to begin limiting the number of Ryan/Shaughnessy Lowposts slam-fests to one per week, as there’s going to be an assload during the playoffs (at least for the next week..) and I don’t want this site turning into a funnier (negligible) version of CelticsHub. (CelticsBlog is better, anyway..)

(The rest of the Celtics columns and any non-basketball columns still getting lampooned on ethanbooker.com. Ethanbooker.com: Feel the power.)

But I could just not resist today’s post on Bob Ryan’s “blog.” Bob Ryan’s blog “And Another Thing…” nestles right next to his column archive, and his blog posts are basically just shorter columns. And honestly, a lot of the posts are better than his columns of late; which is really saying nothing at all.

To the satire! (more…)