www.lowposts.com

Atlantic Conference 2010: THE MOVIE

“Promises To Be Even More One-Sideier Than Ever Before!” - Common Sense Yearly
“Two Thumbs Up (My Own Ass)” - Ebooker
“This Is The Year! (Eyes Arsenic Tablets)” - Starburied

(EXPLOSION)

The Boston Celtics as: The Alpha Male

Pierce: CELTICS!!! PREPARE FOR GLORY!

(Stabbed from behind……again)

Pierce: Et tu, Rasheed?

Outlook: But in all seriousness, 60+ wins and another lock to make the Eastern Conference Finals. Nothing to see here.

The Toronto Raptors as: The Unshaven Foreign Guy

The Flocculent Four:

Outlook: In the thick of it with Philadelphia and New Jersey for who can be the best team +/- 3 games above even and subsequently demolished in the first round of the playoffs.

The Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers as: The Middle Child

Fighting with Eagles and Phillies for public’s attention despite playing in one of the most African-American populated cities in the United States. Also fighting against NBA fans for a sliver of relevancy.

Pop Quiz! Name the Sixers Starting Five (with hints!):

1. PG: That Guy Who Played Behind Andre Miller
2. SG: He’s white!
3. SF: Most Unimproved swingman in the league
4. PF: Frayed an MCL by me writing this sentence
5. C: Hate This Haitian

YOU DESERVE NO PICTURE!

Outlook: Who doesn’t love the super-athletic team with no identity? And look how far it’s gotten the Hawks! The Sixers are like the mildly attractive female in the corporate office: They’re not terrible to look at when you watch, but they’ll break their damn neck trying to get through the glass ceiling.

The New Jersey Nets as: The Babe Next Door

Oh, you sexy little thing you. The way Devon Harris gently caresses the ball in the backcourt. Watching Chris Douglas-Roberts play hard to get between the two and the three positions on the floor. Writhing in ecstasy over Sean Williams missing another season due to substance abuse problems…mmmmmm.

Outlook: New Jersey traded away all the contract moneys to acquire a shooting guard with a girls name. But they’re so young and full of potential! Let’s face it, the biggest upgrade the Nets made this off-season is the decision to get the flying fuck out of New Jersey and move to Brooklyn.

The New York Knicks as: The Crazy Obsessed Girl

1. (looking out the window into the rain with saddened eyes) Is LeBron coming?

2. (glancing at clock every 30 seconds) What’s LeBron doing right now?

3. (pining over Lebron poster over headboard) Is LeBron happy with Cleveland?

4. (browsing through contacts in cellphone) Does LeBron think about us?

5. (scoffing) This David Lee fellow is a capable rebounder, but we don’t need him.

Outlook: ………………..GOD DAMN IT.

Key Offseason Additions: Channing Frye, Earl Clark, Dan Dickau, The Other Griffin Brother, Jason Richardson’s DUI, The Ghost of Sasha Pavlovic,  Amar’e Stoudemire’s right eye

We found the new Pollard...

The Lowdown: Once upon a time not long ago, the Suns were one of the most fun teams to watch and the easiest to predict, with a nucleus of Steve Nash, Shawn Marion, and Amar’e Stoudemire jacking up shots in seven seconds or less and winning 55 games in the process.  But of course, Steve Kerr had to go and mess that up — now why you wanna go and do that, Steve, huh?

With the Shaquille O’Neal experiment now deemed failure in Phoenix, the Suns will look to revitalize the run-and-gun days of old under of one of Mike D’Antoni’s disciples, Alvin Gentry.  After barely missing the playoffs with a respectable 46-36 record — including a promising 18-13 finish under Gentry — Phoenix welcomes back a team with more questions than answers, led by a presumably two-eyed Stoudemire, a suspiciously revitalized Grant Hill (you would’ve gotten pretty good odds in Vegas on Hill playing in all 82 games last year), and a 35-year-old Nash coming off his worst season in five years.

The Good: While Goran Dragic, despite sounding like a highly formidable “Rocky” opponent, failed to show much promise in his rookie campaign, Dan Dickau was brought in to battle for the backup PG spot.  So there’s that. And let’s not forget, the Suns continue to lead the league in awesome hairstyles, from Louis Amundson’s Scot Pollard-esque samurai ponytail, to Robin Lopez’s best Sideshow Bob impersonation.  It may not help them get more wins (or will it?), but it sure adds to their entertainment value.  At least for me.

Fantasy Sleeper Alert: Anyone who’s watched Channing Frye in Portland over the last two years has probably wondered what he’s done to deserve a guaranteed NBA contract, much less a starting job.  But as it stands right now, Frye is atop the team’s depth chart at center, making the aforementioned Lopez an immediate candidate to get big minutes and emerge into a cheap source of boards and blocks.

Prediction: 44-38 — 2nd in Pacific Division, 8th in Western Conference

Zap Rowsdower, a former Canadian drifter and Turkish Basketball League referee, is one of the new crop of scab refs who’ve been brought in to replace the fifty-seven locked-out NBA referees. Lowposts has purchased the exclusive rights to chronicle his goings-on as he experiences intense on-the-job training.. (more…)

(One afternoon, in Coach Don Nelson’s office..)

Jackson: I wanna trade!

Ellis: No, I wanna trade!

Jackson: I wanna trade more! (more…)

Stephen Stills - guitarist/singer/songwriter of The Continentals; The Au Go Go Singers; The Company; Buffalo Springfield; Crosby, Stills & Nash; Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young; Manassas; and The Stills-Young Band fame - is a bit of a basketball historian. Every once in a blue moon, he’ll swing by the site and regale us with stories of a now-defunct basketball franchise.

Today: The Memphis Sounds.. (more…)

(Mavericks shooting guard Matt Carroll is enjoying a quiet evening at home on his couch when he’s besieged by hobgoblins..)

Carroll: Get away from me, ya gosh-darn hobgoblins! (more…)

(Mikhail Prokhorov is sitting in a quiet café on Rodeo when he is joined by Clippers owner Donald Sterling and his personal assistant, Jeremy..)

Sterling: Poke-her-off! How the hell are you?

Prokhorov: Hello.

Sterling: So you’re Russian, huh?

Prokhorov: This is true.

Sterling: Where’s Russia again? Europe?

Prokhorov: Asia.

Sterling: Ho-HO! (more…)

Nelson: Easy boy. Easy..

Crocodile: Hissssssssss!

Nelson: Bad Croc! Bad!

Crocodile: Hisssssssssssss!

Curry: Hey Coach, I–oh, c’mon!  (leaps back)

Nelson: Watch out, Young Stephen. Croc’s angry. (more…)

Legendary soul-singer Nappy Brown is not only a basketball aficionado; he’s a bit of a football buff as well. Every week Nappy will make his NFL predictions..

Week Three (more…)

-

Well well well. If it isn’t my old friend, Bill.

It’s been two months since ‘Ol One Word Paragraph got the Lowposts treatment. But he’s gone and done it now. Defending the Ron Artest signing. In our two previous installments of Bill Plaschke Also Also Sucks, Bill told the Lakers not to trade Lamar Odom - who’s now marrying a crazy person - and he … defended the Ron Artest signing.

To the Repetitive Machine! (more…)