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And now, the 2009 return of The Absolute Zero Award, brought to you by various colas, in which I try to get all statistically analytical. Going by Efficiency Rating, which is really the only stat that matters (It says Lebron is #1! It must be true!), we try to figure out who the worst basketball players are in the league that actually still get playing time. I’ve added a new wrinkle this year, where they have to play in nearly every game. I take the team who’s played the least games this season (18, as of today) and only select players who have played that many games or more.

Just to put it all in perspective, Lebron’s got a rating of 30.0. That’s good. Tony Allen’s got a rating of -2.0 (through one game). That’s not good. Somewhere in the middle is Anthony Parker with a rating of 8.6, which is average-ish. The five men listed below are below average. The closer to zero, the better (or worse).

So. Who’s the worst in the league? Who’s the Absolute Zero? To the abacus!

• The honorable mentions: These guys didn’t make the top five bottom five, but they’re still pretty bad. DeMarre Carroll, Grizzlies (4.6); Sasha Pavlovic, Timberwolves (4.5); Joel Anthony, Heat (4.3); Jason Kapono, 76ers (4.3); and DJ Augustin, Bobcats (4.2).
• The best of the worst! Or something like that. The fifth-worst player in the league: Wayne Ellington, Timberwolves. Not really fair to include rookies on this list, but oh well. Wayne’s world has been difficult this season in Minnesota. At this point, they’re in a neck-and-neck race with the Brooklyn Nets for the John Wall Sweepstakes. But I’m sure David Stern will pull some bull-ish and give Wall to the Knicks when it’s all said and done. Ellington’s just gonna have to ride this one out ’til that rookie contract is up. Through nineteen games, Wayne’s averaging 16.7 min, 4.9 pts, 1.9 reb, 1 ast, 0.5 stl for a rating of 3.8.

At least you still got that NCAA Championship ring. Wait, do they get rings?..

• The fourth-worst player in the NBA? Antoine Wright, Raptors. More like Antoine Wrong!

‘Toine has gotten a few starts thanks to Hedo’s oldness but most of the time he’s been relegated to the far end of the bench of a team that (I’m callin’ it right now) is gonna end this season as the best basketball team in Canada. Mark my words. Through 18 games, Antoine’s averaging 17.3 min, 4.4 pts, 2.3 reb, 1.2 ast, 0.2 stl, 0.17 blk for a rating of 3.7.

Fear not, Canadians! All is not lost! Your bacon is still ham!

• Third Place is the second loser. Actually, it’s the third loser; ’cause they’re all losers. Jannero Pargo, Bulls. Jannero’s triumphant return to the States and to last season’s Team of the Future hasn’t gone quite as planned so far in ‘09. The Bulls don’t have the same fire that almost knocked the Celtics out in the first round a few months back. Pargo was expected to spell Rose for large minutes going into this season, but he really hasn’t done much better than Lindsey Hunter who’s approximately eighty-nine years young. Through 18 games, Jannero’s averaging 12.3 min, 5.6 pts, 1 reb, 0.9 ast, 0.3 stl, 0.06 blk for a rating of 3.3.

Oh, Jannero. Shoulda stayed in Greece, my friend. I hear those Greek girls are a bear to shave.

• The Absolute Zero Award runner-up. Jeff Teague, Hawks. Again, feels kinda mean pickin’ on a rookie. He’s getting his reps. Playing behind a capable talent like Mike Bibby. He’s got a bright future ahead of him. But as of now, he’s blowin’ hard. Through 18 games, Jeff’s averaging 8.9 min, 2.9 pts, 1 reb, 1.6 ast, 0.6 stl, 0.06 blk for a rating of 3.3. The Hawks are a playoff team so a second/third-string rookie point guard isn’t going to see a whole lot of playing time unless Bibby goes down. Teague might be off this list by as early as next month.

I’ve got faith in you, Jeff. Hey, at least you don’t suck as hard as this next guy..

• And the early season front-runner for The Absolute Zero Award: Sasha Vujacic, Lakers. That feels good. Lemme say that again. The absolute worst player in the NBA, as of today? Sasha Vujacic of the Los Angeles Lakers! Ahhh. Refreshing. One more time. The worst player in the National Basketball Association? Sasha Vujacic of the LA Lakers! Through 19 games Sasha’s averaging 7.1 min, 2 pts, 1.2 reb, 0.3 ast, 0.2 stl, 0.05 blk for a rating of 2.0. Now that’s some crappy basketballing.

Congrats, Sasha. That trophy is as good as yours.