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The 2009 NBA Draft is nearly upon us.

‘Tis nigh. ‘Tis nigh!

And what better way to ring in draft week than with our very own Anthony Charles Xavier Mason.

Let the mocking and drafting begin..

Let’s get right to this. I got jury duty.

We just doin’ the first round, ’cause the second round a buncha unpaid losers. Now third rounders; they aight. [Ed. Anthony Mason was drafted with the third pick in the third round of the 1988 NBA Draft.] Hey fuck you, Ed!

1. Clippers - Blake Griffin (Oklahoma) - Some say Griffin is Tim Duncan 2.0: A more compact, high-flying, just-as-boring version of the San Antonio Super(boring)Star. What about an Anthony Mason 2.0? That would be one crazy robot!
2. Grizzlies - Hasheem Thabeet (UCONN) - Memphis could pick the second-best player in this draft - Ricky Ru-Ru-Rubio, but Spaniards don’t like Tennessee. So they gon’ have to settle for Keon Clark 2.0. (Without all the prison shit..)
3. Thunder - James Harden (Arizona St.) - The Grizzlies ain’t the only buffoons passin’ over the only surefire guard in the draft. Oklahoma City a buncha ingrates too. Harden would be a better fit for OKC at the 2, but when you get the opportunity to draft the best point guard since Jesus Christ himself, you gotta take it. I played with Jesus once, that mu’fucka’s a shoot-first guard. Pass me the rock, Lamb of God!
4. Kings - Tyreke Evans (Memphis) - This boy couldn’t even pass the SATs, or ACTs, whatever they got down there; so he got the fuck outta Memphis while he still could. Good move. I had trouble passin’ my commercial truckin’ license. So I just got a fake one instead. Called myself “McLovin.” You see that movie, Superhead? Dem white boys is hilarious!
5. Timberwolves - Ricky Rubio (Spain) - Somebody finally smartens up and takes the Spanish Pete Maravich. Pistol Pete! Or should I say, Pistolo Pedro!
6. Timberwolves - Stephen Curry (Davidson) - Two picks in a row? What a buncha draft hogs! The T-wolves have their backcourt of the future in Rubio & Curry. Until they both opt out. Off-topic: They should change the name of that state to Minnesoda. ‘Cause I love soda! ‘Specially Grape!
7. Warriors - Brandon Jennings (Italy) - I don’t know what kind of Italian name “Brandon” is but I bet this guy loves pizza! I like pizza! ‘Specially grape!
8. Knicks - Jonny Flynn (Syracuse) - The New York Knicks (whom I led to the 1994 NBA Finals) are going to blow this pick no matter which way you slice it (can’t stop thinkin’ ’bout that purple pizza..). Might as well take a New Yorker, so now only 90% of the MSG audience will boo as opposed to the usual 100%. Boy don’t got no “H” in his name! Can’t truss ‘em!
9. Raptors - DeMar DeRozan (USC) - This boy has too many capital letters in his name. I hate him already! He’s already practically a professional athlete after gettin’ payed to play for the Trojans. Can’t believe they named their school after condoms! Do people even use those anymore? Condoms were the lamest fad since snap bracelets.
10. Bucks - Jordan Hill (Arizona) - Hill plummets to tenth. That’s just the way the cookies crumble.
11. Nets - Gerald Henderson (Duke) - Oh, you think you’re so smart, Mr. Look At Me I Went To Duke! La-dee-da, I’m a big fancy millionaire with a monocle and a top hat, riding my expensive zebra to work every morning! Look at me! Toot-tee-toot-tee-toot! What were we talkin’ ’bout again?
12. Bobcats - Tyler Hansbrough (North Carolina) - The Bobcats will pick the hometown boy and everyone will share a good hearty laugh.
13. Pacers - Jrue Holiday (UCLA) - Here’s where my crystal ball starts gettin’ hazy. Stupid crystal ball! No, wait. This is an 8-Ball..
14. Suns - Earl Clark (Louisville) - I like this kid. I trust a man named Earl. Sounds like he should be on a stoop somewhere teachin’ kids how to play the spoons.
15. Pistons - BJ Mullens (Ohio State) - When you have the opportunity to draft a seven-foot immobile Caucasian, ya gotta make that pick. (No offense to Asians.)
16. Bulls - Terrence Williams (Louisville) - TWill! Ben Gordon’s out. TWill’s in. Bulls not as good. Sentences hard to type. I needs me a ghostwriter!
17. 76ers - Ty Lawson (North Carolina) - Andre Miller might be on his way out the door, so the Sixers will need a new 1. Eric Maynor might end up being the second-best PG in this draft, but Philly will see Lawson as the best PG available. What a buncha fools!
18. Timberwolves - DeJuan Blair (Pittsburgh) - With Minnesoda’s third pick, after Rubio & Curry, they’ll go big. Unless they pick Hill with the fifth or sixth pick. Ooh, these mock drafts are so confusing! Shouldn’t have written this thing in pen!
19. Hawks - James Johnson (Wake Forest) - That name’s too plain! Liven up yo name, Jimmy!
20. Jazz - Josh Heytvelt (Gonzaga) - With Boozer headin’ out the door, Millsap’s gonna need a backup. Why not a big dumb white guy? Utah loves them!
21. Hornets - Wayne Ellington (North Carolina) - This boy sound like a British nobleman! Cheerios, Senator!
22. Mavericks - Dionte Christmas (Temple) - I’ll let my boy Matt Carroll handle this: Well, I’ve got the inside poop on this whole gosh-darn Draft hullabaloo. Apparently the old executive branch here at the Dallas (Texas) Mavericks basketball organization feels it’s necessary to draft another shooting guard. Don’t they know that’s the ‘Ol Gunshooter yours truly’s position? What a bunch of numbrods! Anyways, rumor is they’re looking at this fine young gentleman named Dionte Christmas. Apparently he goes to Temple, so that could be fun. Never met a Jew before.
23. Kings - Jeff Teague (Wake Forest) - They screwed it up the first go-round with Evans. Now they finally pick a point guard, nineteen picks too late. Teague will be decent, but he’s no Rubio. Boy don’t even look Spanish!
24. Trailblazers - Eric Maynor (VCU) - This might be the steal of the draft. Maynor may be from a small school in a small conference [Ed. Fuck yeah, CAA! JMU Duke Dogs, bitches!!!]. But he’s proven himself on the March Madness stage. Screwed up my bracket though. So fuck you, Eric!
25. Thunder - Taj Gibson (USC) - The Thunder got their 2-guard with Harden at third, they’ll go lowpost [Ed. Plug.] with this one. Gibson’s the last real first-round worthy big man left. His name Taj though; sounds like he in The Return of Jafar or somethin’.
26. Bulls - Omri Casspi (Israel) - Might as well throw a foreigner in here somewhere. Why the hell not?
27. Grizzlies - DaJuan Summers (Georgetown) - Summers! Where you get an effeminate surname like that? Back of a cereal box?
28. Timberwolves - Chase Budinger (Arizona) - We gettin’ into Best Player Available territory. Back in 1988, they didn’t get into that territory until early in the third round.
29. Lakers - Darren Collison (UCLA) - Derek Fisher might’ve been the hero late in the Finals, but the defending champs gon’ need an everyday point. Collison would be a steal at twenty-nine. Lotta folks think he’ll go later than that. What a buncha hooligans!
30. Cavaliers - Jodie Meeks (Kentucky) - The Cavaliers will be the first team to draft a girl in the first round. Bold move, Lebronaliers.

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Well, there you have it. The 2009 NBA Draft. Now you don’t hafta watch the dang thing! Go out and enjoy the fresh air, you hamturkeys!