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Steal, steal, steal, all day long. Steal, steal, steal, as I sing this song...

Almost exactly one year ago, the Sacramento Kings re-signed Beno Udrih to a five-year, $32-million contract. He promptly guided the team to the worst record in franchise history, cementing his place amongst the team’s worst signings of all time. After a pain-staking amount of research, Eze of ARoyalPain.com and I have discovered than Beno not only ruined the Kings cap situation for the foreseeable future, but is also responsible for some of the world’s worst evils.   We’ve collaborated to present 19 little known, but indisputable facts about the Kings’ grossly overpaid backup point guard.

1. A monkey wasn’t responsible for the virus in Outbreak. It was Beno Udrih.

2. That wasn’t an Earthquake that rumbled San Francisco in 1989 — it was God crying when he saw Beno Udrih pick up a basketball for the first time.

3. The police should stop looking for the killers of 2Pac, Notorious B.I.G., and Big L. Beno Udrih is responsible for all three murders.

4. Lorena Bobbit had just finished watching Beno Udrih commit 19 turnovers the night she sliced off her husband’s willy.

5. Bloody Mary doesn’t appear in a mirror if her name is called three times. Beno Udrih comes in her place.

6. Bernie Madoff considers Beno Udrih his hero for the fraud job he pulled on the Sacramento Kings.

7. Alanis Morissette wrote “You Oughta Know” about, you guessed it, Beno Udrih.

8. Captain Sully of of US Airways Flight 1549 that landed in the Hudson River said it was not birds that hit the engine, but rather a errant pass from Beno Udrih.

9. There’s a little-known cheat code in “Grand Theft Auto” (B-E-N-O) which gives a player $32 million for doing absolutely nothing.

10. Len Bias’ heart attack wasn’t caused by a cocaine overdose. He had a vision that Beno Udrih would make $7 million per season.

11. Bakeries across the United States are renaming the “Apple Turnover” to the “Apple Beno.”

12. Before Udrih re-signed with Sacramento, he was heavily courted by Mike Dunleavy and the Los Angeles Clippers. Oh, wait…

13. The American Health Institute has declared a state of emergency and are no longer researching a cure for cancer. They’re now researching a cure for Beno Udrih disease.

14. The Hurricane Katrina evacuation efforts would’ve run smoothly had Beno Udrih not been the head of FEMA at the time.

15. Parents are now calling the “monster” under the children’s bed, “Beno.”

16. Don’t believe People magazine — Jon and Kate Gosselin are actually getting divorced because they discovered that Beno Udrih was one of the “Plus 8.”

17. The state of California is considering renaming the “Amber Alert” to the “Beno Alert” to reflect his missing game.

18. Beno Udrih wrote and directed both Gigli and Glitter, earning a record six Razzie Awards. (Contrary to popular belief, however, Beno did not cast Sofia Coppola in Godfather: Part III. That was Reggie Theus.)

19. Beno Udrih told me Santa Claus wasn’t real when I was five years old. I hate you, dad.