BOOM-SHAKALAKA!!
Clintastic!
In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii. If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.
There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer. My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.
Without further ado, I present the three players – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis. I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves. Whoops, bad choice of words there.
(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson. Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
Atlanta: Josh Smith, Joe Johnson, Mike Bibby (Dominique Wilkins)
Boston: Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen (Dee Brown — in his Reebok Pumps, to answer once and for all, “Is it the shoes?”)
Charlotte: Gerald Wallace, Raymond Felton, Stephen Jackson (Adam Morrison — close enough to retired)
Chicago: Derrick Rose, Joakim Noah, Kirk Hinrich (Scottie Pippen — just don’t use him against Detroit)
Cleveland: LeBron James, Shaquille O’Neal, Mo Williams (Mark Price)
Dallas: Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Kidd, Jason Terry (Derek Harper)
Denver: Carmelo Anthony, Chauncey Billups, Kenyon Martin (Dikembe Mutombo)
Detroit: Ben Gordon, Charlie Villanueva, Richard Hamilton (Isiah Thomas)
Golden State: Monta Ellis, Andris Biedrins, Anthony Randolph (Chris Mullin)
Houston: Trevor Ariza, Aaron Brooks, Yao Ming (Hakeem Olajuwon)
Indiana: Danny Granger, Troy Murphy, Mike Dunleavy (Reggie Miller)
Los Angeles Clippers: Baron Davis, Brook Lopez, Chris Kaman (Ron Harper)
Los Angeles Lakers: Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol, Lamar Odom (James Worthy)
Memphis: O.J. Mayo, Rudy Gay, Zach Randolph (Bryant “Big Country” Reeves)
Miami: Dwyane Wade, Michael Beasley, Jermaine O’Neal (Glen Rice)
Milwaukee: Brandon Jennings, Andrew Bogut, Michael Redd (Brad Lohaus)
Minnesotta: Kevin Love, Al Jefferson, Jonny Flynn (Christian Laettner)
New Jersey: Devin Harris, Brook Lopez, Yi Jianlian (Derrick Coleman — in his British Knights, of course)
New Orleans: Chris Paul, David West, Peja Stojakovic (Alonzo Mourning)
New York: Al Harrington, David Lee, Nate Robinson (John Starks)
Orlando: Dwight Howard, Rashard Lewis, Vince Carter (Scott Skiles)
Oklahoma City: Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, Jeff Green (Shawn Kemp)
Philadelphia: Andre Iguodala, Allen Iverson, Elton Brand (Clarence Weatherspoon)
Phoenix: Steve Nash, Amar’e Stoudemire, Jason Richardson (”Thunder” Dan Majerle)
Portland: Brandon Roy, LaMarcus Aldridge, Greg Oden (Clyde Drexler)
Sacramento: Kevin Martin, Tyreke Evans, Jason Thompson (Mitch Richmond)
San Antonio: Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili (David Robinson)
Toronto: Chris Bosh, Andrea Bargnani, Jose Calderon (Damon Stoudamire)
Utah: Deron Williams, Carlos Boozer, Andrei Kirilenko (Karl Malone)
Washington: Caron Butler, Antawn Jamison, Mike Miller (Tom Gugliotta)
Notes:
*I’ll run around naked if I can watch “The Birdman,” Chris Andersen, fly instead of K-Mart on Denver’s roster.
*Something tells me David Stern will prevent the run-and-gun offense of Delonte West and Gilbert Arenas from being featured in the game…
*Chris Kaman gets nod over Marcus Camby for the Clippers only if he’s featured with his classic ax-murderer hairstyle.
*There’s no way Yao Ming is left off Houston’s roster if EA wants the game to sell internationally, and I wouldn’t be shocked to see Tracy McGrady’s corpse included either.
*Choosing between Zo and Larry Johnson was like being forced to choose a favorite child…
*It pains me to no end to leave Omri Casspi off the Kings’ roster, but alas, the “Playa From Judea” will have an NBA Jam fast for at least a year.
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Take me to Tag Town, dok!
Just doing my best to make “Matt Carroll” look a little smaller in the tag cloud…
Dude, Alonzo Mourning belongs to Miami, not to Charlotte. He played 3 years with them. He played 12 in Miami, winning a championship and leading us to the playoffs many times. By comparison, Glen Rice only took us to the playoffs twice, although he was there for the franchise’s beginning.
Larry Johnson should be the Hornets’ man, and Zo should be Miami’s, so we can pick him over Jermaine Slow’Neal.
That’s a fair point. Rice was the team’s first star and was a beast in the early going…but I believe Zo is the team’s all-time leader in points (until Wade takes over that spot in a few years) and rebounds. Done and done!
I think the Grizzlies should get Shareef Abdur-Rahim as their old school start rather than “Big Country” lol.