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Let’s pretend for a moment that Brett Favre is serious about his latest “retirement,” his third in as many years.  If the world’s biggest prima donna has truly hung up his cleats and the Vikings will rely on Tarvaris Jackson or Sage Rosenfels at quarterback, Minnesota will be hard-pressed to match last season’s 12 wins.  After all, T-Jack lost his starting job two games into the 2008 season to journeyman and all-around genius Gus Frerotte, and Rosenfels’ greatest NFL accomplishment is single-handedly blowing a 10-point lead in four minutes against the Indianapolis Colts.

What does any of this have to to with the NBA?  Yesterday, I asked if the Timberwolves, who in case you’ve missed it, have been decimated by an avocado GM David Kahn, or the Vikings had a better chance of winning eight games next season.  I then decided to take it a step further and find out if an NFL team had ever won more games than their same-city NBA counterpart in the same season.

It turns out that it’s happened twice since the NFL went to a 16-game schedule in 1978.  The 1992 Dallas Cowboys (13-3) and the 1997 Denver Broncos (12-4), both of whom won Super Bowls, ended up with more victories than the Mavericks and Nuggets, respectively, who of course played 82 contests. In case you’re curious, the 1972 Eagles went 2-11-1 in the same season that the 76ers set the NBA record for fewest wins in one year (nine). Santa Claus probably decided to skip over Philadelphia that year for his own safety.

The 1992-93 Dallas Mavericks won 11 games, the second lowest total in league history, which isn’t all that surprising when you consider that team was led by the likes of Sean Rooks, Terry Davis, and Tim Legler.  A few terrible drafts — Randy White over Shawn Kemp, Tim Hardaway, and Mookie Blaylock in 1989 and Doug Smith over Terrell Brandon and Dale Davis in 1991 — didn’t help matters either.  While the Cowboys won 25 of 32 regular season games from 1993 to 1994 and another Super Bowl,  the Mavs won a total of 24 games and lost 140 over the same time-span.

It’s conceivable that Kahn is actually following the blueprint of the 11-win 1997-98 Denver Nuggets, who featured the likes of Johnny Newman, Dean Garrett, Priest Lauderdale and fifth overall pick Tony Battie.  After letting perennial All-Star Dikembe Mutumbo leave as a free agent with zero compensation in 1996, the Nuggets pulled off one of the more underrated worst trades in NBA history, sending the 10th pick in that year’s Draft, Jalen Rose, and Reggie Williams to Indiana Pacers for Mark Jackson, Ricky Pierce and the 23rd pick.  Then-GM Bernie Bickerstaff traded down because he didn’t think there was anyone “worth drafting” at number 10 — only a few guys named Kobe Bryant (13), Steve Nash (14), Jermaine O’Neal (17), and Peja Stojakovic (15) – and instead used the 23rd pick on Efthimios Rentzias, who never even suited up for the team.   Jalen Rose went on to win the Most Improved Player Award in 2000 while leading a Finals-bound Pacers team in scoring, and the Nuggets traded Mark Jackson back to the Pacers after 52 games in a deal that netted Vincent Askew, Eddie Johnson, and second rounders in 1997 (Jason Lawson) and 1998 (Tremaine Fowlkes).  Add that all up, and it’s a miracle the Nuggets won as many games as they did.  (more…)

When I was growing up, my favorite cable channel was Sports News 99, a local ESPNEWS precursor that ran half-hour-long broadcasts throughout the entire day.  In the pre-Twitter (and mostly pre-Internet) world, it was the only place that relayed breaking NBA headlines, and I watched it religiously during the annual July free-agent bonanza.

The lead sports anchor was a Stacey Keach look-a-like who sported a cheesy ’stache to along with a stupid grin, and would’ve made Stuart Scott blush with his ridiculous catchphrases.  My favorite was the way he referred to Michael Jordan as, “Michael-Michael-motor-cycle” in sing-song fashion.  He would do this during every Jordan highlight, with no exceptions, and it never got old.  I had no idea what that meant at the time, nor do I get it now, but it continues to crack me up.

Yep, this almost never happened...

One day in early July 1997, he broadcast an “exclusive” report that Jordan was on the verge of signing a multi-year contract with the Denver Nuggets.  The initial sight of Jordan’s face next to a Nuggets logo made my jaw drop, and the corresponding “story” made it even more interesting.  According to Keach, Nike was pressuring the league’s best and most popular player to go to Denver for some kind of unexplained marketing purpose, and Jordan was contemplating leaving the then-five-time NBA champions for a team that won 21 games the previous season (and would go on to win 11 the following year).  Seriously.

Because I was naive enough to think that everything I saw on television had to be true, I called all of my friends and insisted that Jordan would soon be a Nugget.  No one believed me (with good reason, obviously), but I stuck to my “sources” despite not hearing or reading anything of the sort in any other publication.

Jordan, of course, went on to ink a historic one-year, $36-million extension with the Chicago Bulls, and coincidentally or not, Sports News 99 suddenly disappeared soon thereafter.  I called my cable provider and tried to find out why, but no one had any answers aside from informing me the channel would now show classic movies.  I never saw Keach again, and I sometimes wonder if it was all just a crazy dream.

With July 1, 2010 finally on the calendar, every reporter is trying to dig up new clues and information in a desperate attempt to be the first one to deliver breaking news.   I always think back to the absurd Jordan story whenever I hear a new, hot rumor that sounds completely made up or too good to be true, which probably applies to 98% of what’s on the internet (last I heard, LeBron James, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, Carlos Boozer, Primoz Brezec, Brian Scalabrine,  Robert “Tractor” Traylor, D.J. Mbenga, and Dirk Nowitzki are having a top-secret meeting as they plot to end up in New York…).

Ah, we’ll always have “Michael-Michael-motor-cycle.”

Butt-lef...

I despised Detlef Shrempf as a kid. It wasn’t because he ever torched the Sacramento Kings or spoke with a ridiculous half-German, half-Ebonics accent, but because — and I’ll remind you again that I was 10 years old – his name sounded like “Butt-lef” to me. Although that nickname sadly never caught on with the NBA masses, hundreds of others, such as “Spud” Webb and “Muggsy” Bogues have become more common than the players’ birth names (Anthony and Tyrone). While LeBron “King” James, Kobe “The Black Mamba” Bryant and Paul “The Truth” Pierce are some of the most popular ones, here are some of the lesser-known nicknames in recent NBA history (note that these are all credible and not internet memes. And by credible, I mean “verified” by Wikipedia).

Joel Przybilla: “The Vanilla Gorilla” / “Joel Dolla-Dolla-Billa” / “White Kong” / “Ghostface Przybilla” - Pryzbilla has at least a dozen ridiculous nicknames, most of which play on his spellcheck-killing last name. He gets major props for a reference to one of the greatest and most nonsensical rappers of our generation…but “White Kong” and “Vanilla Gorilla?” Why not just go with, “Another Caucasian Guy Who’s Only in the NBA Because He’s Really Tall?” (more on this later)

Arron Afflalo:”Afflalo Creed” - Now that, my friends, is a nickname, oiginally mentioned by Chuck Klosterman in 2007. Does it make any sense? Nope, but the best nicknames usually don’t. The obvious nod to Apollo Creed, however, also comes with some serious consequences. Let’s hope Affalo doesn’t repeat the same mistake and avoids going up against Andrei “AK-47″ Kirilenko for the duration of his career.

Nick Young - “Bean Burrito” - Young explained why he chose the nickname for himself to the Washington Post:

It was passed on from generation to generation. Only the great legends were named Burrito. They used call Michael Jordan ‘Black Bean Burrito,’ because he was dark, and his head was like a bean. Kobe was called guacamole.

And in a related (and true) story, we call one of our friends “Pooter” after he eats too many bean burritos. (Image courtesy of http://www.truthaboutit.net)

Matt Carroll, Armen Gilliam, Shane Heal, and Kris Humphries - “The Hammer” - It amuses me to no end that bruising bigman Armen Gilliam, who carved out a respectable, 13-year NBA career (13.7 points, 6.7 rebounds) is grouped into the same category as lowposts favorite Carroll, Australian hoops legend Heal, and Kris “Don’t Call Me Kross” Humphries, 12th men who barely deserve to be called “Rubber Mallets” (sorry, ebooker).  (more…)

A triple-double is a rare and (usually) well-praised achievement. Over the last 20 years, 162 players have recorded at least one game with double-digits in three statistical categories (none of them are, of course, named Ricky Davis). While it makes sense that more than half were accomplished by point guards with high assist totals, it’s harder to explain how Mark Jackson (14), Damon Stoudamire (6), and Chris Childs (2), to name a few, have more career triple-doubles than Allen Iverson and Stephon Marbury, who have only one apiece (at least in the US).

When Rafer Alston notched his first in January — and it’s no small feat to get 10 assists on the New Jersey Nets — he joined the list of the least likely players to record a triple-double in recent NBA history.

Oliver Miller, Phoenix Suns (14 points, 15 rebounds, 11 assists - 02/09/1994): That’s right, Oliver Miller, and I won’t even make the obligatory fat joke here. That was already done for me by Dee Brown three years after Miller’s first and only triple-double, when the 350-plus-pound center vowed to get another one against the Boston Celtics. “Can you believe that? He’s going to get a triple double? A triple cheeseburger, maybe.” Miller just barely missed it, too — by 10 points, 6 assists, and 2 rebounds.

Anthony Bowie, Orlando Magic (20 points, 10 rebounds, 10 assists - 3/19/1996): Bowie grabbed his tenth rebound and called timeout with 2.7 seconds left in the game…with Orlando up by 20 points.   Desperate for a triple-double, he designed his own play in the huddle to then record his tenth assist. Outraged Pistons coach Doug Collins — clearly not from Jerry Sloan’s school of hard knocks — instructed his players to stand at the side of the court and not even contest Bowie’s cheap stat-padding.

Rodney White, Denver Nuggets (17 points, 12 rebounds, 10 assists - 03/24/2003): Number of times White recorded double-digit rebounds in his 218-game NBA career?  One. Double-digit assists?  One. To say this was the game of a lifetime for one of the biggest busts in league history would be an understatement, considering White averaged 7.1 points, 2.2 rebounds, and 1.1 assists before finding himself out of the league in 2005 at the age of 24.

Brian Shaw, Orlando Magic (11 points, 10 assists and 10 rebounds - 12/29/95): Shaw recorded his triple-double in garbage time of a 24-point blowout against the Clippers (then again, when isn’t it garbage time against the Clippers?), which lead to this “Shaw Destroys Clippers” headline the next day. Um, right. Not so fun fact: he was once traded for equally crappy, undersized PG Sherman Douglas, who somehow registered his only triple-double during the same season.

Bob Sura, Atlanta Hawks (twice - 2003/2004): It’s odd to list Sura on this list, since he narrowly missed becoming the 12th player in NBA history to post three consecutive triple-doubles before his last one was disallowed (at least he shot at the right basket). Traded from the Pistons, with whom he put up 3.8 points, 1.9 rebounds, and 1.7 assists, to Atlanta at the deadline, Sura averaged an Oscar Roberston-esque 14.7 points, 8.3 rebounds, and 5.7 assists in 27 games as a Hawk. I’m still not sure how or if it even really happened.

Chris Duhon, Chicago Bulls (18 points, 12 assists, 10 rebounds - 11/02/05):   No one would question 12 assists from a starting point guard on a good team, and maybe even a game with 10 boards (his one and only) are within reach. But there’s no way any Knicks fan who’s watched Duhon shoot a historically miserable 34% from the field in 58 games this season will buy that he once scored 18 points in a single game.

Blue Edwards, Vancouver Grizzlies (15 points, 13 rebounds, 11 assists - 3/1/1996): Edwards, who averaged a pedestrian 10.8 points, 3.4 rebounds, and two assists over 10 seasons, recorded the first triple-double in Grizzlies history. But an even more amazing stat is that he beat out Shawn Kemp to become the first NBA player to have a movie about one of his illegitimate children.  Yes, his late-90’s child custody case in Vancouver led to a 2009 film on the Canadian Television Network. Seriously.

Dishonorable Mention:

Williams has as many Raptors triple-doubles as Vince Carter...and Charles Oakley.

*Kevin Gamble, Boston Celtics (23 points, 11 rebounds, 10 assists - 3/16/1993): Fact: prior to 1997, only four players in Boston Celtics history had ever recorded a triple double –Larry Bird, Robert Parish, Dennis Johnson…and Kevin Gamble (9.5 points, 2.2 rebounds, 2.0 assists for his career).

*Rumeal Robinson, New Jersey Nets (twice, 1993): Robinson lasted six season in the NBA with six teams, averaging 7.6 points, 1.8 rebounds, and 3.5 assists, notching triple-doubles in the only two double-digit rebound games of his career.

*Alvin Williams, Toronto Raptors (11 points, 10 rebounds, 14 assists - 3/23/01): Williams, despite an injury-riddled career in which he played just three games over his final three seasons, had a few decent years in Toronto. What’s hard to believe is that his triple double from nine years ago is the most recent one recorded by a Raptor, a span during which 15 players have recorded one against Toronto.

When Andre Miller, a pass-first point guard who holds a modest 14.5 career scoring average, poured in 52 points against the Dallas Mavericks on January 30, it was one of the most unbelievable statistics in recent NBA history. In the previous three games, he’d scored 15 points combined, and in the two games following the scoring binge, he put up just eight and nine points, respectively. While he’s been an All-Star caliber player for much of his 12-year career, Miller is one of the least likely players to reach the half-century mark.  Fifty-eight players have joined the 50-point club in the last 20 years — here some of the other most unexpected and in some cases, worst members.

Willie Burton, Philadelphia 76ers (53 points, 12/13/1994): Remember good ol’ Willie “”Bringin’ the Hurtin’” Burton? Stop lying, because you don’t. He barely lasted eight seasons in the NBA, appearing in just 39 total games over his final three years. But on one magical night, Burton poured in 53 points against his former team, the Miami Heat, on only 19 field goal attempts and a whopping 24 of 28 free throws.  It’s not possible to come up with a more random player to put up fifty — not even Tim Burton could come up with a more scary tale.  And if you’re wondering, that rookie card on the right sells for 40 cents.

Tracy Murray, Washington Bullets (50 points, 2/10/1998): Murray carved out a 12-year career as a three-point shooting role player, amassing a humble 9.0 scoring average. On a night when Chris Webber and Juwan Howard were out with injuries (shocker), Murray put up 29 shot attempts a short-handed Bullet squad that featured the likes of Darvin Ham, Terry Davis, Harvey Grant, Lawrence Moten, and Chris Whitney. That part is left out on on his official website.

Tony Delk, Phoenix Suns (53 points, 1/2/2001): Another journeyman with a lowly 9.1 career scoring average, Delk poured in 53 in a loss against his former Sacramento Kings team. A renowned three-point specialist going back to his days at Kentucky, he somehow did so without hitting a single three-pointer, joining Michael Jordan and Allen Iverson as the only guards to accomplish that feat in the last 20 years. Something is very wrong with this world when Tony Delk is mentioned in the same sentence as Jordan and Iverson.

Clifford Robinson, Phoenix Suns (50 points, 1/16/2000):  The “Robinson scores 50″ headlines probably weren’t that surprising, since everyone just assumed it was David, who’d done so three times in his career. But Uncle Cliffy, who played for 18 seasons in league until the age of 40, became the oldest player in NBA history to score 50 points for the first time at 33 years and two months. He later became the oldest player to get busted for marijuana…three times at ages 34, 37, and 39.

Damon Stoudamire, Portland Trail Blazers (54 points, 1/14/2005): Perhaps as unexpected as Miller’s 52, “Mighty Mouse” scored 54 points during a renaissance 2004/05 campaign. The man who once tried to pass through an airport metal detector with marijuana wrapped in aluminum foil, also made Antoine Walker jealous by hitting five of his NBA record 21 three-point attempts in one game that season. Stoudamire was soon traded to Memphis and later signed with the Spurs, averaging 7.4 points over the next three years.

Dana Barros, Philadelphia 76ers (50 points, 3/14/1995): If this were baseball, Barros’ fluky and undeserved 1994/95 All-Star campaign, in which he averaged 20.6 points and 7.5 assists on a 24-58 Sixers team, significantly above his career marks of 10.5 and 3.3, would raise a lot of eyebrows. Even more amazing than his 50-point game, might be Barros’ 25-point, 15-assist, 10-rebound triple-double against the Magic. Yes, that Dana Barros. Then again, his best teammates were an aging Jeff Malone and the legendary Clarence Weatherspoon, so, yeah…

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Let’s be clear about this — Stephon Marbury signing with a Chinese basketball team is by far the smartest and most rational thing Starbury’s done in a long time…and we mean looooong time.

And besides, everyone knows China makes the best Vaseline in the world (nope, couldn’t resist).

The man everyone should feel most sorry for right now is Bonzi Wells, who will soon be regarded as only the second best player in Chinese basketball history. Also, because he’s homeless.

Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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Derrick Coleman sued after defaulting on $200,000 loan…

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It’s common knowledge that Robert Horry-Will Smith is up there with Stan Van Gundy-Ron Jeremy and Omar Epps-Mike Tomlin as the most uncanny athlete-celebrity resemblance of all-time.   But as it also turns out, Smith and Horry are hardly the only NBA player and famous rapper lookalikes.  Let’s take a look at a few notable examples from recent history.

Kenyon Martin

Method Man

I’ve also always thought that Marcus Camby looked like Method Man, even though he looks nothing like Kenyon Martin. I have no idea how that makes sense.

Ricky Davis

Andre 3000

Hey ya…look just like each other!

Corey Maggette

Xzibit

Pretty sure Mr. X to the Z’s crew represents the West Coast a little better than Maggette’s team…

Josh Smith

The Game

The bigger question is, who’s more overrated?

Devean George

Ice Cube

Fittingly, Ice Cube is as much a rapper nowadays as Devean George is an NBA player…

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The Celtics! The Wizards! The Liveblog!

Join us tonight on TNTBoston at 8PM EST (5PM Awesome People Time) for another installment of Thursday Night Live!

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