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People tell me we are currently in an economic recession. I wouldn’t know, as I am a wealthy haberdasher. (Why, here’s a picture of yours truly from a few years back with one of my best clients; a Dr. Irving, Esq.)

But if this is in fact…fact; then it will most certainly affect the sports world after it completely destroys and demoralizes the lower middle class. (Sucks to be you, poor folk!)

A significant aspect of a recession on a professional sports league? Relocation. Some teams simply cannot afford to continue on in the lackluster arenas and poor attendance-supplying cities that house them now. Many owners got rich on cyber-money; not the actual paper stuff that you can hold, have sex on and (sometimes) eat.

There are six major teams that seem to be on the outs in their respective cities. Let’s take a look now into the crystal ball that is…The Future NBA!

• The Brooklyn Nets - This is an almost-certainty, thanks to Mayor Bloomberg and Jay-Z, The Talking Camel. 2011 seems to be the date. And here are the kick-ass jerseys to prove it..

Cool beans.

Construction of Barclays Center should begin in the spring and will be completed just in time for Lebron to say, “No thanks.”

• Anaheim Kings - Check that shit out. Not bad, eh?

The Maloofs seem to be on the way out and Anaheim appears to be the most feasible location for a new NBA team. (Brooklyn being the least-feasible.)

Anaheim would bring the Maloofs dangerously close to Hollywood and would give them the opportunity to produce crappy movies, à la Mark Cuban.

Disney would most likely take over the entire franchise, trade for Joakim Noah and cast him in the live-action adaptation of Goofy’s autobiography.

Oh, and the new Kings dancers? The Anahymens.

• St. Louis Hornets -

Take that Katrina sufferers! It doesn’t seem fair to move a franchise located in New Orleans. Kinda like relocating the Chernobyl Mudcats in 1987..

The biggest outcome of this move? If Lebron gets shot after signing with the Brooklyn Nets, you could make the argument that St. Louis has the two best players in their respective sports in Prince Paul & Albert Pujols. Of course, by then Poo-holes will have signed with the Red Sox..

Congratulations, Hornets! Your biggest fan just went from Lil Wayne to Nelly. I think, from there, the natural progression is Sisqo and then me..

• Las Vegas Bobcats Cougars-

I don’t know of any bobcats in Vegas, but there sure are a helluva lotta cougars! (Ba dum chh)

The last place Michael Jordan needs to be is in Vegas, but I’m pretty confident he could gamble away millions anywhere. Head Coach Charles Barkley’s mouth is watering as we speak. Could just be the meatloaf sandwich though..

Would MJ be willing to leave his ‘ol Carolina country home for the shiny lights of Sin City? Wait, I did say they were moving to Vegas right?..

• London Pacers -

Allo, Govna!

David Stern has been plotting for years to take his league over international waters and the Motherland may be just the place to start. And since the owners of the squad playing in Basketball Mecca have flubbed it so badly, the Pacers might eventually be the squad with the roughest road schedule in the history of The Association.

After the move, Larry Bird and the gang can go with the British flag in yellow & blue. Or they can just steal this running club’s logo and throw a basketball in there somewhere.

Seriously, a running club? What is this, the 70’s?

• The Moon Grizzlies- And finally, the team that everybody sorta forgets about until lottery time: The Grizzlies. The only problem with these guys is that nobody else really wants them. There are plenty of cities looking for a team (Kansas City, San Diego, Pittsburgh..); just…not that team.

Beggars can’t be choosers. That’s why Chris Wallace and the Memphis braintrust (and I’m using that word in a completely antonymical sense) are gonna one-up the London Pacers by taking the league from international to universal.

The Moon. The final frontier.

This way, nobody would have to watch the Grizzlies anymore. And Rudy Gay dunk highlights would be thirty-percent more entertaining.

And the mascot? Yeah, I got that taken care of..

Space Bear!

People would watch this team, no matter how many Gasols they had. Have you seen a space-dunk? Ever wonder why we haven’t seen Isaiaiaiaiaiah Rider in a decade or two? He’s floating out near some sorta nebula by now..

~~~

So take it from this haberdashery proprietor, the NBA’s gonna be fine. There are plenty of cities and plenty of lunar satellites to choose from. And for the people of Indiana, New Jersey, Sacramento, Memphis, Charlotte & New Orleans? Hey, at least you have the Colts, Giants, nothing, Tigers, Tar Heels & naked boobies to cheer for..

Yay, boobies!