Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.

Y’all Don’t Know is an ongoing exploration into all that is sinister, weird, creepy-crawly and loosey-goosey around us.

Did you know that there are mysterious, unexplainable energies whirling all around us as we speak? NO! ‘Cause Y’all Don’t Know!

Today on Y’all Don’t Know, we’re gonna talk about Deathstroids!

“The world ain’t gonna last forever.”

That’s what my Grandpappy always used to tell me. He also taught me how to shave things into the side of my head, so I won’t forget them.

This one always reminds me to “One…” something..

There are many doomsday possibilities in modern science. A major earthquake. A plague. A black hole enveloping the entire planet. Alien Bears!

Get away from me, Space Bear!

But the most likely Doomsday scenario - according to scientists who went to college - is an “Impact Event.”

Pow! Right in the kisser!

The Earth is constantly colliding with space debris. Asteroids as big as a car hit the Earth once or twice a year. They’re usually vaporized in the upper atmosphere and break away into tiny pebbles that bonk you on the head and make you go, “Hey, where’d that pebble come from? Space?” Then you get back to masturbating in a public park.

Wait! Y’all didn’t hear that! Y’ALL DON’T KNOW! ABOUT ME MASTURBATING IN A PUBLIC PARK!

Some say that it was a major asteroid that collided with Earth and killed all the dinosaurs. I still think it was Jesus.

Some say a giant asteroid like the one that killed the dinosaurs could happen again. Sure would put a chink in my Labor Day plans (which involved not dying in an asteroid deep impact event, starring Teá Leoni).

Scientists say this “Deathstroid” will take out an entire continent, if it hits land; and send tidal waves for miles, if it hits water. I think Deathstroid would be a good name for a metal band! Or a pinball machine!

Our guest on today’s program is my good friend, and Harvard professor, Dr. Steve Petrarski..

Mason: Dr. Petrarski, thank you for joining us on the program.

Petrarski: My pleasure as always, Anthony.

Mason: We talkin’ ’bout comets!

Petrarski: Well, I happen to be an expert in the field of astrophysics.

Mason: What was your favorite part of Deep Impact?

Petrarski: Um, I don’t really remember. Was that the one with Ben Affleck?

Mason: That was Armageddon, dummy! Or maybe Pearl Harbor.

Petrarski: Oh.

Mason: My favorite part was when President Morgan Freeman looked up and was like, “Oh, snap! Asteroids!”

Petrarski: Hmm.

Mason: We’ll be right back.

~~~

Threatened someone’s life by accident?

Cheated on your wife in China?

Tweeted the wrong tweet?

Blame a hacker!

This message has been brought to you by the Carmelo Anthony Excuse Council.

~~~

And we’re back.

Well, boy. We sure did learn a lot today about how we’re all gonna die in a couple weeks after gettin’ hit by a meteoroid! Nice knowin’ ya!

Join us next time as we delve into more mysteries that…

Studio Audience: Y’all! Don’t! Know!

]]> http://lowposts.com/y%e2%80%99all-don%e2%80%99t-know-with-anthony-mason-18/feed/ http://lowposts.com/eggs/ http://lowposts.com/eggs/#comments Mon, 23 Aug 2010 15:35:11 +0000 ebooker http://lowposts.com/?p=6329

Carroll: What about hard-boiled eggs?

Wallace: Nope.

Carroll: What about soft-boiled eggs?

Wallace: Nope.

Carroll: What about coddled eggs?  (chortles)

Wallace: Nope.

Carroll: What about scrambled eggs?

Wallace: Nope.

Carroll: Hows about poached eggs?

Wallace: Nope.

Carroll: What about fried eggs?

Wallace: No eggs.

Carroll: What about bacon and eggs?

Wallace: Nope.

Carroll: What about creamed eggs on toast?

Wallace: No.

Carroll: What about Chinese steamed eggs?

Wallace: Nope.

Carroll: What about be-deviled eggs?

Wallace: Nope.

Carroll: What about omelette?

Wallace: No.

Carroll: Ooh, I got it! Egg salad!

Wallace: No eggs.

Carroll: Well, I’m more stumped than a tree that’s been cut to its very stump!

Wallace: It’s really simple. You just can’t eat eggs.

Carroll: What about hard-boiled eggs?

Wallace: (sighs)

Jackson: (bursts into locker room, brandishing firearm)  What about quiche, bitch?!!  (shoots at chicken)

Chicken: Ba-gawk!

The intoxicating rhythm of the
Steel pan feeds their zeal.
They call Dan Sandy's banjo
And Gabriel with his African drum.
Death they say is a celebration of life.

They wind their bompsie to the ground
Barcardi and sunset, coconut water
And lime squash spike the air.
Salt fish and bakes move center front.
Death they say is not the end.

The tambourines shake to the lyrics
Of Banana Man and they tell Nancy stories
That nails you to your chair.
Then they pass me over her coffin and under it.
Death I say is a scary thing.

What does any of this have to to with the NBA?  Yesterday, I asked if the Timberwolves, who in case you’ve missed it, have been decimated by an avocado GM David Kahn, or the Vikings had a better chance of winning eight games next season.  I then decided to take it a step further and find out if an NFL team had ever won more games than their same-city NBA counterpart in the same season.

It turns out that it’s happened twice since the NFL went to a 16-game schedule in 1978.  The 1992 Dallas Cowboys (13-3) and the 1997 Denver Broncos (12-4), both of whom won Super Bowls, ended up with more victories than the Mavericks and Nuggets, respectively, who of course played 82 contests. In case you’re curious, the 1972 Eagles went 2-11-1 in the same season that the 76ers set the NBA record for fewest wins in one year (nine). Santa Claus probably decided to skip over Philadelphia that year for his own safety.

The 1992-93 Dallas Mavericks won 11 games, the second lowest total in league history, which isn’t all that surprising when you consider that team was led by the likes of Sean Rooks, Terry Davis, and Tim Legler.  A few terrible drafts — Randy White over Shawn Kemp, Tim Hardaway, and Mookie Blaylock in 1989 and Doug Smith over Terrell Brandon and Dale Davis in 1991 — didn’t help matters either.  While the Cowboys won 25 of 32 regular season games from 1993 to 1994 and another Super Bowl,  the Mavs won a total of 24 games and lost 140 over the same time-span.

It’s conceivable that Kahn is actually following the blueprint of the 11-win 1997-98 Denver Nuggets, who featured the likes of Johnny Newman, Dean Garrett, Priest Lauderdale and fifth overall pick Tony Battie.  After letting perennial All-Star Dikembe Mutumbo leave as a free agent with zero compensation in 1996, the Nuggets pulled off one of the more underrated worst trades in NBA history, sending the 10th pick in that year’s Draft, Jalen Rose, and Reggie Williams to Indiana Pacers for Mark Jackson, Ricky Pierce and the 23rd pick.  Then-GM Bernie Bickerstaff traded down because he didn’t think there was anyone “worth drafting” at number 10 — only a few guys named Kobe Bryant (13), Steve Nash (14), Jermaine O’Neal (17), and Peja Stojakovic (15) – and instead used the 23rd pick on Efthimios Rentzias, who never even suited up for the team.   Jalen Rose went on to win the Most Improved Player Award in 2000 while leading a Finals-bound Pacers team in scoring, and the Nuggets traded Mark Jackson back to the Pacers after 52 games in a deal that netted Vincent Askew, Eddie Johnson, and second rounders in 1997 (Jason Lawson) and 1998 (Tremaine Fowlkes).  Add that all up, and it’s a miracle the Nuggets won as many games as they did. 

I don’t have the time or energy to break down every one of Kahn’s head-scratching moves, beginning with selecting Wesley Johnson ahead of DeMarcus Cousins in the 2010 NBA Draft, committing a combined $36 million over the next four years to uber-bust Darko Milicic and 29-year-old career-backup Luke Ridnour, and giving away Al Jefferson for practically nothing.  As it stands right now, the Wolves will trot out a starting lineup of Milicic, Michael Beasley, Johnson, Martell Webster, and Ridnour on opening night, with Kevin Love, Sebastian Telfair, Corey Brewer, Nikola Pekovic, and Kosta Koufos coming off the bench.   Is that team even capable of beating a high school squad? 

Adrian Peterson and one of the best defenses in the league should allow the Vikings to stay competitive — hell, even the Frerotte-led team somehow won 10 games and made the Playoffs.  The Timberwolves?  Not so much.  The Vikings shouldn’t need more than 11 victories to top the Wolves, who are destined to join the Mavericks and Nuggets in the ultimate NBA failure club. 

Say it with me now: ”KAAAAAHHHHNNNNNN!!!!!!!”

Operator: AIDS hotline.

Caller: Help! I have AIDS!  (chortles)

Operator: May I get your name, sir?

Caller: No! I’m embarrassed!  (chortles)

Operator: How do you believe you contracted the disease, sir?

Caller: Monkey Sex!  (chortles heartily)

Operator: Are you sure you have the disease, sir? Have you been tested?

Caller: Yeah, they stuck a thermometer in my butt!  (chortles)

Operator: Sir, I don’t think this is a laughing matter.

Caller: (chortles)

Operator: Have you notified all your ex-lovers so they can be tested as well?

Caller: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

Operator: …

Caller #2: Hang up the phone, jerky!

~~~

(Matt Carroll & Stephen Jackson are rolling on Matt’s dinosaur bed, laughing..)

Carroll: (chortles, wipes tear out of eyes)  Oh, Steve. That was some good old-fashioned fun!

Jackson: Seriously, you don’t have AIDS though.

Carroll: (chortles)

Jackson: (cocks pistol)

Carroll: (worries)