Curry: (throwing couch pillows at Zach)  I’ve had enough of yo carousin’!

Randolph: I ain’t carousin’! I don’t even know what carousin’ means!

Curry: It means you fuckin’ around!

Carroll: (turns to Nate)  Well, this is one gosh-darn awkward family dinner!

Robinson: No, this has become the norm in the Randolph household as of late.

Carroll: How do you cope, ‘Lil Nate?

Robinson: (shrugs)  Drugs.

Carroll: (chortles)

Robinson: (blank stare)

Carroll: Oh.  (still chortles)

Curry: I want you out my house, you old philanderer!

Randolph: This my house, woman! I’m the one who’s actually workin’ this season!

Robinson: Hey! I’m workin’ too, Pop!

Randolph: See? Your fat lazy ass got our son out there workin’!

Carroll: Me too! I’m working…on my sitting skills!

Randolph: Shut up, honky!

Curry: You can’t talk to our wacky next-door neighbor like that!

Randolph: I can talk to whoever I want however I want when I’m under my roof!

Curry: It’s like I don’t even know you anymore! You’re in shape. You have a work ethic. You care. WHO ARE YOU???

Carroll: (rolls eyes)  He’s Zachary Tyler Randolph, ya goof! He’s your husband!

Curry: Not anymore he isn’t! This marriage unrecognized by the state is OVER!

Randolph: Fine! You wanna play that way? Then get out my house, woman!

Curry: Gladly! C’mon, Nate! We’re leaving!

Randolph: Oh no! Nate stays with me! He’s my lineage, dammit!

Robinson: I was adopted, old man! And I don’t wanna live with neither of you! I wanna live with Matt!

Carroll: Ooh, maybe we should talk this over a bit beforehand there, Nathan. I’m a bit of a loner.

Curry: You ain’t livin’ with no strange white man! He doesn’t know how to raise a black child!

Robinson: I’m not a child anymore, Mom!

Carroll: I don’t think we’d have any trouble, Ms. Curry. My house is color blind!  (chortles)

Curry: Oh, you the expert on raising black kids now? You got washcloths in your bathroom?

Carroll: What in the holy heck is a “washcloth”?

Robinson: It’s like a little miniature towel you use to clean yourself in the shower.

Carroll: …

Robinson: Man, it just gets easier & easier to blow his mind.

Curry: Nate, get some washcloths and wipe this mess up.

(Mavericks swingman/benchwarmer Matt Carroll logs on to Chatroulette..)

Carroll: How’s it going, web-stranger?

Mason: S’good.

Carroll: You seem like a kind fellow.

Mason: Show me yo tit-tays!

Carroll: (chortles)

Mason: What’s that?

Carroll: I’m chortling.

Mason: The fuck is ‘chortling’?

Carroll: It’s like laughing, but funner!

Mason: So are you gonna show me your tits or what, lady?

Carroll: I’m a man, ya darn goofball!

Mason: Gah! I’ve been Rouletted!

Carroll: (chortles)  You certainly got the short end of this chat stick!

Mason: Chapstick? Don’t you be talkin’ ’bout my lips! I’m sensitive!

Carroll: I think it’s about time we spin the roulette wheel again, don’t you?

Mason: I think you right. Anthony need to see titties!

Carroll: (hits roulette button)

Brown: Oooooooooooooooooh, Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnappy! Lemme see them beautiful breasts!

Carroll: (chortles, undresses)

(Caron Butler & Matt Carroll are suiting up in the Mavericks’ locker room..)

Carroll: So the NBA banned you from chewing straw, Caroniel?

Butler: Yeah, it sucks. I love straw!

Carroll: Hoo boy. If they’re gonna ban straw from the mouth of a semi-star like yourself, imagine what they’ll do to an old benchwarming sharpshooter like Matthew W. Carroll!

Butler: You chew straw, too?

Carroll: Boy howdy! (chortles)

(Matt Carroll is helping new Maverick DeShawn Stevenson unpack his things in Josh Howard’s old room..)

Carroll: Man! Lotta white tees!

Stevenson: Jeeyah.

Carroll: Maybe I’ll start callin’ you “White TeeShawn!”  (chortles)

Stevenson: You call me that, I’ll kill you.

Carroll: (nervous chortle)  Fair enough!

Carroll: You in the mood for a quick game of Monopoly?

Stevenson: Nah, I’m goin’ out to the club to meet some friends.

Carroll: Oh.

Stevenson: (adjusts grill)

Carroll: (scratches nape of neck)  (chortles)  “Nape..”

Stevenson: (squints at Matt)  So, you like the towel boy or somethin’?

Carroll: No, I play for the basketball team.

Stevenson: (cackles)  You?

Carroll: Yup!

Stevenson: (cackles harder)  YOU?

Carroll: Yes, sir!

Stevenson: (wipes tear away)  Man, that’s hilarious. But why are we livin’ in the same apartment together?

Carroll: Comical adventures and valuable lessons in race relations and cultural advancement.

Stevenson: Huh.

Carroll: Do you like guns & drugs?

Stevenson: Jeeyah!  (fires pistol) (snorts rail)

Carroll: (sighs)  Josh did too.

Stevenson: Who Josh is? Your dog?

Carroll: (stares at the floor glumly)  Yeah, he was my dog. And I was his dog, too.

Stevenson: (puts grill on other grill and leaves the apartment)

Carroll: (stares longingly at framed portrait of Josh Howard as Green Day’s “Time Of Your Life” plays softly in the background)

Carroll: (single tear) (quiet chortle)

Willie Burton, Philadelphia 76ers (53 points, 12/13/1994): Remember good ol’ Willie “”Bringin’ the Hurtin’” Burton? Stop lying, because you don’t. He barely lasted eight seasons in the NBA, appearing in just 39 total games over his final three years. But on one magical night, Burton poured in 53 points against his former team, the Miami Heat, on only 19 field goal attempts and a whopping 24 of 28 free throws.  It’s not possible to come up with a more random player to put up fifty — not even Tim Burton could come up with a more scary tale.  And if you’re wondering, that rookie card on the right sells for 40 cents.

Tracy Murray, Washington Bullets (50 points, 2/10/1998): Murray carved out a 12-year career as a three-point shooting role player, amassing a humble 9.0 scoring average. On a night when Chris Webber and Juwan Howard were out with injuries (shocker), Murray put up 29 shot attempts a short-handed Bullet squad that featured the likes of Darvin Ham, Terry Davis, Harvey Grant, Lawrence Moten, and Chris Whitney. That part is left out on on his official website.

Tony Delk, Phoenix Suns (53 points, 1/2/2001): Another journeyman with a lowly 9.1 career scoring average, Delk poured in 53 in a loss against his former Sacramento Kings team. A renowned three-point specialist going back to his days at Kentucky, he somehow did so without hitting a single three-pointer, joining Michael Jordan and Allen Iverson as the only guards to accomplish that feat in the last 20 years. Something is very wrong with this world when Tony Delk is mentioned in the same sentence as Jordan and Iverson.

Clifford Robinson, Phoenix Suns (50 points, 1/16/2000):  The “Robinson scores 50″ headlines probably weren’t that surprising, since everyone just assumed it was David, who’d done so three times in his career. But Uncle Cliffy, who played for 18 seasons in league until the age of 40, became the oldest player in NBA history to score 50 points for the first time at 33 years and two months. He later became the oldest player to get busted for marijuana…three times at ages 34, 37, and 39.

Damon Stoudamire, Portland Trail Blazers (54 points, 1/14/2005): Perhaps as unexpected as Miller’s 52, “Mighty Mouse” scored 54 points during a renaissance 2004/05 campaign. The man who once tried to pass through an airport metal detector with marijuana wrapped in aluminum foil, also made Antoine Walker jealous by hitting five of his NBA record 21 three-point attempts in one game that season. Stoudamire was soon traded to Memphis and later signed with the Spurs, averaging 7.4 points over the next three years.

Dana Barros, Philadelphia 76ers (50 points, 3/14/1995): If this were baseball, Barros’ fluky and undeserved 1994/95 All-Star campaign, in which he averaged 20.6 points and 7.5 assists on a 24-58 Sixers team, significantly above his career marks of 10.5 and 3.3, would raise a lot of eyebrows. Even more amazing than his 50-point game, might be Barros’ 25-point, 15-assist, 10-rebound triple-double against the Magic. Yes, that Dana Barros. Then again, his best teammates were an aging Jeff Malone and the legendary Clarence Weatherspoon, so, yeah…

Michael Adams, Denver Nuggets (54 points, 3/23/1991): 54 points on the run-and-gun Denver Nuggets isn’t nearly as impressive as it looks, considering the team put up roughly 357 points per game in those years. After averaging 26.5 points and 10.5 assists in 1990, Adams fell back to earth over his final five seasons, retiring at age 33 after putting up just six points per game in his final two years with the Hornets and finishing his career with a more pedestrian 14.7 scoring average.

Nick Anderson, Orlando Magic (50 points, 4/23/1993): Anderson was an underrated player in the early stages of his career, with two 20-point seasons to his credit on the Magic, and was even a decent free-throw shooter before losing his mind (4:40 mark).  What’s remarkable about his performance is that he’s the only player to score 50 after going scoreless in the previous game, and the only player to do so off the bench in the last 25 years.

Honorable Mention:

Smith during his high-top rocking days with the Clippers.

*Charles Smith, Los Angeles Clippers (52 points, 12/1/1990): Knicks fans will forever hate him for missing four point-blank layups, but Smith was a solid scorer on the Clippers. Then again, his 52-point outing came against those early 90’s Nuggets, whose aversion to defense rivaled today’s Don Nelson-led Warriors.

*Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, Denver Nuggets (51 points, 12/7/1995): The artist formerly-known-as Chris Jackson, who holds a respectable career scoring average of 14.6 points, dropped 51 on the Utah Jazz during his pre-America hating days, including eight downtown bombs (oops, bad choice of words there).

Vernon Maxwell, Houston Rockets (51 points, 1/26/1991): It’s really not that hard to believe that “Mad Max” could score 51 points, considering that he attempted seven three-pointers per game in the early stages of his career. He’s only this list because he was once ordered to pay a woman $592 thousand for knowingly infecting her with herpes. Ron Mexico would be proud.

Carroll: I can’t believe you’re gosh-darn leavin’, Joshua J. Howard the Third!

Howard: Belee dat.

Carroll: Think of all the fun adventures we’ve had over the years!

Howard: Nah, son. I’m thinkin’ ’bout titties.

Carroll: (chortles)

Howard: I gotta go to D.C. now. Get me some Mojo Sauce..

Carroll: I’ll miss you, old pal.

Howard: I’ll miss you too, white guy who laughs all the damn time.

Carroll: (chortles sadly)