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Butt-lef...

I despised Detlef Shrempf as a kid. It wasn’t because he ever torched the Sacramento Kings or spoke with a ridiculous half-German, half-Ebonics accent, but because — and I’ll remind you again that I was 10 years old – his name sounded like “Butt-lef” to me. Although that nickname sadly never caught on with the NBA masses, hundreds of others, such as “Spud” Webb and “Muggsy” Bogues have become more common than the players’ birth names (Anthony and Tyrone). While LeBron “King” James, Kobe “The Black Mamba” Bryant and Paul “The Truth” Pierce are some of the most popular ones, here are some of the lesser-known nicknames in recent NBA history (note that these are all credible and not internet memes. And by credible, I mean “verified” by Wikipedia).

Joel Przybilla: “The Vanilla Gorilla” / “Joel Dolla-Dolla-Billa” / “White Kong” / “Ghostface Przybilla” - Pryzbilla has at least a dozen ridiculous nicknames, most of which play on his spellcheck-killing last name. He gets major props for a reference to one of the greatest and most nonsensical rappers of our generation…but “White Kong” and “Vanilla Gorilla?” Why not just go with, “Another Caucasian Guy Who’s Only in the NBA Because He’s Really Tall?” (more on this later)

Arron Afflalo:”Afflalo Creed” - Now that, my friends, is a nickname, oiginally mentioned by Chuck Klosterman in 2007. Does it make any sense? Nope, but the best nicknames usually don’t. The obvious nod to Apollo Creed, however, also comes with some serious consequences. Let’s hope Affalo doesn’t repeat the same mistake and avoids going up against Andrei “AK-47″ Kirilenko for the duration of his career.

Nick Young - “Bean Burrito” - Young explained why he chose the nickname for himself to the Washington Post:

It was passed on from generation to generation. Only the great legends were named Burrito. They used call Michael Jordan ‘Black Bean Burrito,’ because he was dark, and his head was like a bean. Kobe was called guacamole.

And in a related (and true) story, we call one of our friends “Pooter” after he eats too many bean burritos. (Image courtesy of http://www.truthaboutit.net)

Matt Carroll, Armen Gilliam, Shane Heal, and Kris Humphries - “The Hammer” - It amuses me to no end that bruising bigman Armen Gilliam, who carved out a respectable, 13-year NBA career (13.7 points, 6.7 rebounds) is grouped into the same category as lowposts favorite Carroll, Australian hoops legend Heal, and Kris “Don’t Call Me Kross” Humphries, 12th men who barely deserve to be called “Rubber Mallets” (sorry, ebooker). 

Earl Boykins: “Earl the Squirrel” / “Earl the Girl” - Something tells me the 5′ 5″ Boykins didn’t pick either of these nicknames, presumably referencing Knicks great Earl “The Pearl” Monroe, himself. Or maybe he did as some kind of weird motivational tool. Regardless, now that I know they exist, my new life dream is to hear Marv Albert blurt out, “Earl the Squirrel with the facial!” during a telecast.

Luke Jackson: “Cool Hand Luke” - Okay, so Jackson has the same name as the title character of the famous film and novel…but he was anything but cool in the NBA. After being drafted 10th by the Cavs in 2004 — ahead of Josh Smith, Al Jefferson, Kevin Martin, Jameer Nelson, and Andris Biedrins — he averaged 3.5 points (36% FG) and 1.2 rebounds in 73 games and played in the D-League last season. So instead of blaming LeBron for bolting this summer, Cavs fans, you should instead blame equally uncool GM Jim Paxson.

Corey Maggette: “Bad Porn” - Maggette earned his nickname after he issued the following quote, which was probably about basketball: “Sure, there’s penetration and scoring, but are you really happy with what you are seeing?” Interestingly enough, at least three players (but somewhat ironically, not Maggette) have since had leaked nude photos posted on the internet, giving fans a whole different (and completely uncalled for) kind of bad porn.

Honorable Mention:

*Manute Bol: “The Dinka Dunker” - Yes, Bol was 7′ 7″ and could touch the rim without even fully extending his arms. But has anyone actually seen him throw one down during a game? And does “Dinka” sound even the least bit intimidating?

The Human Victory Cigar in action...

*Darvin Ham: “Ham Slamwich” - See what he did there?

*David Lee: “DaWhite Howard” - Get it? Because he’s white?  DaWhite? Oh, never mind.

And finally, as usual, a special section for crappy white guys who’ve been given demeaning nicknames because they’re among the worst players to have ever put on an NBA uniform:

*Brian Scalabrene - “The Boston Celtic Mascot”
*Brian Cardinal - “The Custodian”
*Darko Milicic - “The Human Victory Cigar”