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In the weeks leading up to the 2009 NBA Draft, Lowposts’ resident Draftologistician will be looking at NBA Drafts of the past and how they got all screwed up..

Today:  The 1992 NBA Draft..

Hello and welcome to the 1992 NBA Re-Draft. I’m your host, Professional Draftologistician..

..Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnappy Brown!

The 1992 NBA Draft was one of the finest drafts this ‘ol crooner’s ever had the fortune of witnessing. But how would it have gone differently if we knew then what we knew know? Know now? No new?..

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1.  Orlando Magic - Shaquille “The Real Deal” O’Neal - The Orlando Magic got it right the first time around. Shaquille O’Neal was the surefire can’t-miss prospect coming out of LSU his junior year, and he’s lived up to the hype and then some ever since. But four years later the Magic were unable to re-sign him. They only needed $122 million dollars! Whatta buncha maroons! That’s what ‘ol Nappy B. gets per album. Although in those four years Shaq-Daddy did manage to take his team to the championship, win a Rookie of the Year award, a scoring title, make four All-Star games, release two hip-hop-bee-bop albums and film two silver screen blockbusters. Now that’s what I call … doin’ alotta stuff in four years..

…

..NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2.  Charlotte/New Orleans Hornets - Alonzo “His Favorite Muppet’s Gonzo” Mourning - Two for two! The Queen City Sting-Bees made the right choice at #2 with Zo. Shaq & Zo are the two lock Hall of Famers in this draft and Charlotte made the correct choice in selecting the Georgetown Hoya. Zo took his team to the playoffs two out of his three years in the Carolinas, but a tense relationship with Larry “Dressin’ Like a Fairy” Johnson led to a trade to the Miami Heat, where he flourished/had a kidney stolen.

3.  Minnesota Timberwolves - Christian “Ass-Fistin’ Laettner - 1992 was one of the few drafts where you could argue the first three teams got their picks right.

NOW THAT MAKES NAPPY HAPPY!!

The Duke Blue Devil never quite lived up to his National Champion-winnin’, spin move jump-shootin’ hype; but he did have a productive career (including an All-Star game appearance) before tearin’ his Achilles.

4.  Dallas Mavericks - Latrell “My Neck Feels Swell” Sprewell - In the reality that you may live in, the Mavericks chose Jimmy “Just Gotta Shimmy” Jackson with the fourth pick and he went on to have a productive career that included having sex with Toni Braxton who I am hoping is a lady of the feminine persuasion with an unfortunate Danza-like Government.

They shoulda gone with the best Coach-chokin’, showboatin’, Hoboken fella I know; Latrell Sprewell. Latrell & Jimmy both played the same position. Latrell just happened to play it better and longer.

On an unrelated note, look out for my new R&B album - Better & Longer - droppin’ this summer.

NAPPY’S GONNA MAKE THE LADIES GET THE CLAPPY!

5.  Denver Nuggets - Tom “Take Me To The Prom” Gugliotta - With the fifth pick, the Nuggets selected LaPhonso “My Name Rhymes With Alonzo” Ellis; a subpar power forward who petered out of the league after six mediocre seasons on the Mile High Club.

They shoulda gone with The Great Googly Moogly himself. Gugliotta was an All-Star power forward who went a pick later to the Washington Wizards, nee Bullets. Gugliotta eventually faded away, as he had his knee cartilage stolen by black market cartilage salesmen.

And I gotta tell ya, I may have paid a fortune for that cartilage; but it was worth every penny.

NAPPY’S KNEES ARE CRAPPY!!

6.  Washington Wizards/Bullets - Clarence “Makes Ya Wanna Slap Yo Parents” Weatherspoon - The six-pickin’ Bullets went with the aforementioned Googly. If he had been off the board, Southern Mississippi’s own Clarence W. Weatherspoon may have been their second choice. Clarence enjoyed a solid career with the Philadelphia 76ers before bouncing around different teams in a journeyman-type style.

The dropoff in talent from the top two picks to the rest of the lottery in 1992 is almost as bad as the dropoff in talent from me to Luther Vandross.

LUTHER’S UNCOUTHER!!

7.  Sacramento Kings - P.J. “Can A Crooner Get A B.J.” Brown - The Kings got a decent pick at #7 with the Wizard Walt Williams. And nobody likes a knee-high sock more than Nappy Brown.

NAPPY LIKES TO SAY “KNEE-HIGH”!

But PJ, a second round afterthought for the Nets, has put in a stupendous fifteen-year career and he managed to get a ring out of it. And the Sportsmanship Award in 2004 doesn’t hurt either.

NAPPY LIKES ‘EM SCRAPPY!!

8.  Milwaukee Bucks - Doug “Shave My Rug” Christie - The Milwaukee Bucks had perhaps the worst selection of the 1992 NBA Draft when they chose Arkansas’ high-flying wingman Todd “Pee In My Pod” Day.

Todd was last seen playing in Lebanon.

That ain’t no joke!

NAPPY AIN’T NO COBEDIAN!

Doug Christie on the other hand had a solid career at the two-guard spot; and a hilarious marriage as well. I love a good overbearing wife. As long as she ain’t mine!

NAPPY DON’T LIKE NUPTUALS!

9.  Philadelphia 76ers - Robert “Nothing Rhymes With Robert” Horry - The 76ers got a steal with Weatherspoon here. But if he wasn’t around, Big Shot Rob would’ve been a fine choice.

They used to call me Big Shot Nappy back in my pornographin’ days.

NAPPY DON’T NEED TWO TAKES!

10.  Atlanta Hawks - Jon “Skippin’ Pebbles On The Pond” Barry - The Hawks’ drafting of Adam Keefe is right up there with the Bucks and Todd Day. It looks especially worse with the fellas that came after Keefe, like Sprewell, Horry & The Gentleman from Oakland: Jon Barry.

Jon Barry was the bastard child of NBA Hall of Famer Rick Barry. (And believe me, I know a thing or two about bastard children!)

NAPPY DON’T PULL OUT! HE PULL FURTHER IN!!

11.  Houston Rockets - Jimmy “Wearin’ A Hat” Jackson - And with the eleventh and final lottery pick for the 1992 NBA Draft, the Houston Rockets select the number four pick in the draft: Jimmy Jackson.

James Arthur “Jim/Jimmy” Jackson puts the journey in “journeyman.” In fact, they should call it a jimmyman!

LAUGH AT NAPPY’S JOKES!

Mr. Jackson (if you’re nasty) played on a dozen teams in fourteen seasons, and some of them he played well on. He also, as I mentioned earlier, had sex with Tony Danza.

NOW WHO’S THE BOSS?!

~~~

Well, there you have it. The 1992 NBA Draft. If somebody with half a brain like Nappy Brown had been callin’ the shots.

Seriously. I only have half a brain.

DON’T POKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF A MOVING TOUR BUS!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOH! NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!