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Pistol Brandisher & his faithful Injun sidekick Tex Mecks run down the Western Conference..

Brandisher: Good day, gentlemen & gentleladies! I am the one, the only, Pistol Brandisher. Foppish British dandy turned grizzled wild west cowboy. This is my native sidekick - Tex Mecks - an Indian from the Oklahoma Territory. Together we shall scour through the Western Conference of this sport you call basketball, and the mysteries it entails!

Mecks: (waves)  How.

Brandisher: Why, by giving it a good gander! That’s how, you silly Indian!

Mecks: (rolls eyes, puffs peace pipe)

Brandisher: The Sixth Man in the West, the best benchman of them all? Paul Millsap of the Utah Jazz. ‘Ol Tex & I have met a few Mormons on the wagon train out to the plains of Utah. They’re good people, but they seem to be hogging all the bloody women. How much buggering can one man possibly do?

Mecks: Skookum.

Brandisher: Exactly, Tex. Next up, the Most Improved Player. Anthony Randolph of the lowly Oakland Warriors. This is a risky pick because Don Nelson is a bloody madman and could have Randolph as the starting point guard in a fortnight’s time. BOLLOCKS!

Mecks: Hokum.

Brandisher: (squeezes Tex’ cheeks)  Isn’t he just adorable?

Mecks: (clasps hand around knife)

Brandisher: The Defensive Player of the Year in the West? Trevor Ariza of the Houston Rockets. Ah, sweet irony. The mistress of coincidence. Tex & I were riding through the Colorado Mountains when we were jumped by a band of crazed natives. I was lucky enough to flee into the woods, but the crazies got ahold of Tex here and took his scalp! This? (tossles Tex’ hair) Just a hairpiece. Now that’s irony! ‘Cause they were Indians and he’s an Indian too! Do you get it? Do you see what I’m saying?

Mecks: We get it, foolish white man.

Brandisher: He doesn’t know a lot of English. Sometimes he doesn’t know what he’s saying. Silly Indian!  (elbows Tex playfully)

Mecks: (grips knife butt tighter)

Brandisher: My Rookie of the Year? Well, this one’s a no-brainer. Even a bloody Irishman could figure this one out! Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers. You know, Tex. This Griffin fellow looks like he has a bit of Redskin blood in him. Maybe you two are related?

Mecks: Probably.  (begins to sharpen blade)

Brandisher: The Coach of the Year? Scotty Brooks of the Oklahoma City Thunder. The Thunder are also my Surprise Playoff Team in the West this year. This team is young and hungry. Mr. Mecks here is a bit of a Thunder fan, as he once called the Territory home.

Mecks: Until the White Man took it from my people.

Brandisher: (sweating)  Hehe, Progress!

Mecks: I should kill you where you stand.

Brandisher: Then I shall sit!  (sits down on the ground)  Look, Tex! Indian-Style!

Mecks: (growls)

Brandisher: Somebody’s a grumpy goose! My Western Conference MVP? Young Kevin Durant of the aforementioned Thunder. Kevin will most likely average thirty-plus points a game and lead his young squadron of ragamuffins into the postseason. What do you think of my picks so far, Tex?

Mecks: I don’t care for basketball.

Brandisher: Tough room. Hehe. And my Western Conference Champion is, once again, the Los Angeles Lakers. They aren’t quite as good as last year’s championship team; but there aren’t really any other teams that can unseat them from their vaunted throne. So the Lakers it is, although I don’t see them winning the whole kit-and-kaboodle all over again. We’ll let our Far East brothers continue the picks momentarily.

Mecks: (rears back knife above Pistol’s head)

Brandisher: (breathes in fresh air deeply, exhales)  What a fine time to be alive! The country is growing, the bloody Yanks are beating each other up back East and the West is ripe for the pilfering! Why I could just–ACK!

Mecks: I avenge my fallen brothers!  (raises bloody knife to the sky)

Brandisher: (rubs stab wound on back)  Nothing to worry about here, folks. He does this from time to time. Every other week or so. At first, I wanted to call him “Stabby”; but he said if I did, he’d stab me.

Mecks: Quiet your devil mouth, White Man!

Brandisher: But I’m British! That’s not…as white!

Mecks: Enjoy the basketball season, you white devils.

Brandisher: Yes, everyone. Enjoy the year ahead. I’m going to go down by the river and put some talcum on this gash.

Mecks: That’s what she said.

Brandisher: (puts hands on hips, shakes head)  Oh, Tex!