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Putting my favorite NBA quote into words wouldn’t do it justice. Even if you’ve heard it before, go ahead and play Mark Madsen’s speech from the Lakers’ championship parade.  If a better one-minute clip exists on the interwebs, I’ve yet to see it.  Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get to the funniest and dumbest NBA quotes of all-time. In honor of Stephon Marbury, the Tracy Jordan of the NBA, we’ll dish out 14 dimes…and add another 6 assists for good measure.  And please read this post — we’ve got families to feed!

1. “Sam is an idiot. I-D-O-U-T. Idiot.” — Shaquille O’Neal, responding to Chicago Tribune columnist Sam Smith’s suggestion that the Miami Heat should trade the big man. And now we know that Shaq takes spelling lessons from Homer J. Simpson.

2. “I’ve had to overcome a lot of diversity.” — Drew Gooden, on the ups and downs of his NBA career. Damn that diversity, always getting in the way of progress — what’s up with Title IX anyway?

3. “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” –Jason Kidd, after being drafted by the Dallas Mavericks.  And he turned out to be exactly right — the team won 19 games before he arrived, and 26 games in his final season.  Oh, the irony!

4. “I don’t want to shoot my mouth in my foot, but those are games we can win.” –Sherman Douglas. If I understood that correctly, Sherm has a detachable mouth?

5. “It’s almost like we have ESPN.” — Magic Johnson, on his relationship with James Worthy.  I’ll bet Magic wouldn’t say that if Stephen A. Smith was on the air back then.  And, man, do I miss The Magic Hour…

6. “He’s one of the best power forwards of all-time. I take my hands off to him.” –- Scottie Pippen, on Tim Duncan.  Now we know the secret to Pippen’s defensive prowess — Scottie is actually Mr. Potato Head.

7.  “I’m like the Pythagorean theorem. Not too many people know the answer to my game.” — Shaquille O’Neal. I don’t understand why NBA teams haven’t hired more high school math teachers to stop him in the paint.

8.  “Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.” — Doug Collins. See, now this is exactly the kind of stuff Vinny Del Negro should be teaching his young Bulls team.  If you don’t turn the ball over and score more points than your opponent, you’ll win the game…almost always.

9.  “Not really. I’m not a fan of Chinese food” — Bobby Simmons, on whether he’s looking forward to playing in Japan.  On the other hand, Bobby was ecstatic to go travel to Turkey because Thanksgiving is his favorite holiday.

10. “Play some Picasso.” — Chris Morris, to a piano player while trying to impress a date.  Have you hear the “Guernica” remix?  It’s got that neoclassical-soul vibe…

11.  “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”  — Shaquille O’Neal, again, on whether he visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.  But Shaq was pretty sure that the DJ was off the hook.

12. “I enjoyed the Luge.”  — Michael Jordan, on his visit to some Paris Museum…unless, the Luge is a secret underground casino.  Hmm, maybe this makes sense after all.

13.  “Sure, we make a lot of money, but we spend a lot, too.” — Patrick Ewing, during the NBA lockout.  Well, when you put it that way, Patrick, I sure hope you didn’t have to settle for $20 meals like MJ during his baseball career. Kenny Anderson also weighed in with this gem, “I was thinking about selling one of my cars. I don’t need all of them. You know, just get rid of the Mercedes.”  Seriously, Kenny?

14.  “I don’t see it happening unless every NBA player is given a stipend to buy clothes.” -Marcus Camby, on the NBA implementing a dress code.  Yeah, who can afford to buy a suit on a seven-million-dollar salary?

15.  “These people haven’t seen the last of my face. If I go down, I’m going down standing up.” — Chuck Person.  Wait, what now?  I don’t think even Person knows what he was trying to say.

16.  “Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.” — Charles Shackleford.  I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he meant “ambidextrous.”  See what I did there?

17.  “I don’t have the first clue who he is talking about, because all I worry about is Jerome.” - Jerome James, on Coach Nate McMillan’s comments about players on Seattle being selfish.  Just in case you forgot, Isiah Thomas gave him a guaranteed $30 million shortly thereafter.

18.  “We’re going to be in bed with each other. It’s like a marriage.” - Stephon Marbury, on his relationship with Jamal Crawford. Apparently, Jamal also moonlighted as a Knicks intern…and no, Eddy Curry couldn’t be reached for comment at this time.

19. “I thought LeBron James was just going to be another addition to help me score.” — Ricky Davis. Yeah, the Cavs really blew that one, didn’t they?

20. “Everything is magnetized by 10.” — Al Harrington, on handling the playoff pressure. I hope this post will get magnetized by 50 because this quote was included.

Honorable Mention:  “You Don’t Say?” Edition

“I didn’t even know Elvis was from Memphis, I thought he was from Tennessee.” — Drew Gooden.

“I’ve never taken medication [to control moods] in my life. Doctors have suggested it and I say, ‘OK, give it to me.’ But I throw it in the garbage immediately.” — Ron Artest

“I forgive him. He’s my teammate, he made a mistake, and I can’t retaliate, trying to fight him or beat him up, because I’m on probation, so I would get in trouble.” — Ruben Patterson, after Zach Randolph sucker-punched him in the face.

“This team is one execution away from being a very good basketball team.” –- Doc Rivers.

“Well, he’s a good player for Minnesota.” — Gary Payton, when asked what he thought about Serbia.

“Yeah, I’m a little surprised. But nowadays, with snipers and Bin Ladens running around, don’t nothing really surprise me anymore. Kind of messed up to say, but, somebody told me they seen a flying monkey. There is flying monkeys, too! Flying squirrels and all kinds of shit. Doesn’t nothing surprise me these days.” — Kevin Garnett, on whether he was surprised that the Timberwolves didn’t sell out against Micheal Jordan and the Wizards.