(Coach Don Nelson is sitting at his desk staring off into space, when Anthony Randolph enters his office..)

Nelson: I’m going to fucking kill you..

Randolph: Um…Coach?

Nelson: Oop, hey there Slim. Sorry, I was just talking to myself.

Randolph: You wanted to see me?

Nelson: Yes, Slim. I’ve been so busy with the draft and free agency, I just realized it’s been nearly a month since our last adventure!

Randolph: No, no, no. No more adventures! I’m done with it, Coach! Every time I go on one of your stupid adventures I either end up dead or in prison!

Nelson: Well not every time. One time I got raped..

Randolph: Nope, I’m done. You’re going to have to find another lackey to do your crazy bidding.

Nelson: Very well.

Stephen & Don

(Coach Don Nelson is sitting at his desk staring off into space when Warriors rookie Stephen Curry enters..)

Curry: Hey Coach, you wanted to see me?

Nelson: Stephen, my boy! Do you want to go on an adventure?

Curry: Sure! I love adventures!

Nelson: (single tear runs down his cheek)

~~~

(Coach Nelson & Stephen Curry are standing outside a Bay Area Super Wal-Mart..)

Curry: What are we doing here, Coach?

Nelson: Glad you asked, son. I’ve been feeling a little gray around the edges lately, and I thought a little plastic surgery would perk me up.

Curry: Plastic surgery?

Nelson: Yeah, you know. Tighten up the skin, get rid of these crow’s feet, maybe pull back my scrotum a couple inches.

Curry: Oh…What does any of that disgusting stuff have to do with Wal-Mart?

Nelson: Well, the Warriors aren’t really paying me the big bucks, what with the economy and all. And my HMO doesn’t cover elective surgeries, so I thought we’d get jobs at this here Wal-Mart for some extra spending money so I can get my scrotum tucked.

Curry: That sounds like one heckuva scheme, Coach!

Nelson:  Son, I think we’re gonna work just fine together.

~~~

(Coach Nelson is working as a greeter..)

Nelson: Good afternoon and welcome to Wal-Mart!

Old Man: Could you tell me where the Metamucil is?

Nelson: I don’t even know what “The Metamucil” is.

Old Man: I just need some Metamucil.

Nelson: Move it along, will ya Gramps?

Old Man: Do you even work here?

Nelson: No, I just wear a shitload of buttons and stand here at the front door all day like a turd.

Old Man: Language, you little whippersnapper! I oughta take a switch to you!

Nelson: You wanna take a switch to me? You wanna take a switch? Let’s tango, Hochoncho!

Old Man: Who you callin’ Hochoncho?

(Coach Nelson and the old man start wrestling..)

~~~

(Outside, Stephen Curry is pushing carts..)

Curry: Holy smokes, this stinks! Why am I on cart duty?

(Stephen Jackson comes running up out of nowhere..)

Jackson: Ay, Rookie!

Curry: Hey, Bad Stephen! What are you doing here?

Jackson: You call me ‘Captain Jackson’, bitch.

Curry: Yes sir, Captain Jackson sir.

Jackson: Go steal me some guns, aight?

Curry: What? I can’t do that! I could go to jail!

Jackson: Better you than me. S’go! S’go!

Curry: Well, you are the Captain.

Jackson: Got damn right!

~~~

(Coach Nelson is being restrained by Wal-Mart security..)

Nelson: That geezer jumped me!

Old Man: Geezer, eh? Why I oughta..

Nelson: Why you oughta what?!

Manager: Gentlemen, enough! Mr. Nelson. I’m sorry. I thought this would be a fun publicity stunt to have the head coach of the Warriors in our store, but you’ve caused nothing but trouble since you got here.

(A security guard comes to the front of the store with Curry & Jackson in tow..)

Guard: Found these two trying to steal some rifles, boss.

Manager: Gracious! Stephen? Out of Mr. Nelson, I wouldn’t have been surprised; but you Stephen? I’m very disappointed in you.

Jackson: I’m disappointed in you too, bitch!

Curry: I think he’s talking to me. The Good Stephen.

Manager: I want you all out of my store. I never want to see you step foot in this Wal-Mart again!

Nelson: Fine! We don’t need you! We’ll go get my scrotum-tuck money somewhere else!!

Manager: …

~~~

(Back at Coach Nelson’s office..)

Nelson: Well, that didn’t work!

Curry: Still, it was a pretty fun adventure.

Nelson: Yeah, it was a good start. I liked it when you tried to steal the guns.

Curry: Yeah..

Nelson: Just wish my Dad didn’t punch so hard.

Jackson: Look’t all these Twizzlers I stole! Want some?

Curry: Yeah!

Nelson: Twizzlers are delicious!

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