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Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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It’s been almost two months since Bob Ryan spoke on the sport of basketball. He’s been too busy defending the elderly Bill Belichick. LEAVE GRAMPA ALONE!

Today Bob discusses Brandon Jennings and the fact that he must bow at the altar of KG, the first man to say “College is for pussies.” (Except for Reggie Harding & Spencer Haywood & Darryl Dawkins & Bill Willoughby & Moses Malone & Lloyd Daniels & Shawn Kemp; but after them, JUST KG!!)

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Putting my favorite NBA quote into words wouldn’t do it justice. Even if you’ve heard it before, go ahead and play Mark Madsen’s speech from the Lakers’ championship parade.  If a better one-minute clip exists on the interwebs, I’ve yet to see it.  Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get to the funniest and dumbest NBA quotes of all-time. In honor of Stephon Marbury, the Tracy Jordan of the NBA, we’ll dish out 14 dimes…and add another 6 assists for good measure.  And please read this post — we’ve got families to feed!

1. “Sam is an idiot. I-D-O-U-T. Idiot.” — Shaquille O’Neal, responding to Chicago Tribune columnist Sam Smith’s suggestion that the Miami Heat should trade the big man. And now we know that Shaq takes spelling lessons from Homer J. Simpson.

2. “I’ve had to overcome a lot of diversity.” — Drew Gooden, on the ups and downs of his NBA career. Damn that diversity, always getting in the way of progress — what’s up with Title IX anyway?

3. “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” –Jason Kidd, after being drafted by the Dallas Mavericks.  And he turned out to be exactly right — the team won 19 games before he arrived, and 26 games in his final season.  Oh, the irony!

4. “I don’t want to shoot my mouth in my foot, but those are games we can win.” –Sherman Douglas. If I understood that correctly, Sherm has a detachable mouth?

5. “It’s almost like we have ESPN.” — Magic Johnson, on his relationship with James Worthy.  I’ll bet Magic wouldn’t say that if Stephen A. Smith was on the air back then.  And, man, do I miss The Magic Hour…

6. “He’s one of the best power forwards of all-time. I take my hands off to him.” –- Scottie Pippen, on Tim Duncan.  Now we know the secret to Pippen’s defensive prowess — Scottie is actually Mr. Potato Head.

7.  “I’m like the Pythagorean theorem. Not too many people know the answer to my game.” — Shaquille O’Neal. I don’t understand why NBA teams haven’t hired more high school math teachers to stop him in the paint.

8.  “Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.” — Doug Collins. See, now this is exactly the kind of stuff Vinny Del Negro should be teaching his young Bulls team.  If you don’t turn the ball over and score more points than your opponent, you’ll win the game…almost always.

9.  “Not really. I’m not a fan of Chinese food” — Bobby Simmons, on whether he’s looking forward to playing in Japan.  On the other hand, Bobby was ecstatic to go travel to Turkey because Thanksgiving is his favorite holiday.

10. “Play some Picasso.” — Chris Morris, to a piano player while trying to impress a date.  Have you hear the “Guernica” remix?  It’s got that neoclassical-soul vibe…

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