Jan
07
2010
5

BOOM-SHAKALAKA!!

Gore-tastic!

Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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Dec
08
2009
0

Bob Ryan Also Sucks..

It’s been almost two months since Bob Ryan spoke on the sport of basketball. He’s been too busy defending the elderly Bill Belichick. LEAVE GRAMPA ALONE!

Today Bob discusses Brandon Jennings and the fact that he must bow at the altar of KG, the first man to say “College is for pussies.” (Except for Reggie Harding & Spencer Haywood & Darryl Dawkins & Bill Willoughby & Moses Malone & Lloyd Daniels & Shawn Kemp; but after them, JUST KG!!)

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Apr
20
2009
0

Dan Shaughnessy Sucks..

Hey! A Boston-area sports team lost! To the Shaughnessy-Mobile!

(Danny’s fatalism in bold, my insufferable homerism in plain.)

It Sure Felt Like The Beginning Of The End

Oh, we are off to a rousing start.

The Celtics’ playoff quest is just getting started, and it feels like it’s already over.

Dan Shaughnessy: Please. Hang. Yourself.

The Celtics don’t have Kevin Garnett and they are not going to repeat.

Well, at least Bob & Dan are on the same page about something.

They are in for a bloody death and it’s just a matter of who plays the executioner.

Wait, is he talking about the Globe?

It could be Cleveland or it could be Orlando.

Or Philadelphia or Detroit or Atlanta or Miami or any of the eight Western Conference teams, or perhaps even a wayward meteor..

But Chicago? The 41-41 Bulls?

As if!

The Celtics dropped a stinkbomb on North Station yesterday.

No, that was just Joakim Noah’s hair.

Coming out flatter than Tommy Heinsohn’s rookie haircut,

Now that’s the kind of reference that keeps the youth of America elbow-deep in newspaper ink and not turning to blogs for superior sports reporting! (Lowposts, notwithstanding..)

the champs lost the first game of their title defense, 105-103, in overtime against Chicago.

Remember draft night, 2007?

Bringing up bad memories. A Shaughnessy Staple.

That was when everybody around here was moaning about not getting Greg Oden or Kevin Durant and we were wondering what was the point of trading for Ray Allen?

Actually Dan, a lot of us were pumped about getting Allen; he being the best guard we’ve seen in Boston since the freaking Dee Brown era.

It was all doom and destruction.

Shaughnessy’s wife must be one happy, lucky lady.

A team with Paul Pierce, Allen, Rajon Rondo, and Kendrick Perkins? How good could the Celtics possibly be?

Better than the year before?

Say hello to your 2009 playoff team.

Hello.

Without Garnett, the Celtics yesterday looked like candidates for a first-round bounce, and coach Doc Rivers was steaming after the loss.

Ooh, I’m super-steamed! I just wanna slap somebody right on the cheeks!

“To think that we worked on transition ‘D’ for two days and the first play of the game [Joakim] Noah gets a dunk - now, that was extremely disappointing,” said Rivers. “You’d think, first playoff game, you’d be ready and up. And I just thought we kind of showed up and played the game. And then all of a sudden we got into a fight. And one thing I’d say about our guys, they join in. But at home, you’re supposed to start it.”

Next time: headbutt somebody in the nuts, Perk.

It was a tad embarrassing.

Tad Embarrassing. That would be my pen name if I wrote for the Globe.

The defending champs started this season 27-2. They won 19 consecutive games. They were indomitable at home and up until about three days ago we all thought they might make another magic run.

Fuck you, Dan. Some of us actually still believe in our team. If you’re gonna give up at the first sign of trouble, go root for the Mets.

But that was when Garnett was part of the picture. And now his absence is killing them, physically and emotionally.

Spiritually and psychologically.

Defensively and environmentally.

Structurally and Italy.

KG sat on the bench for the first half of the game. Then he was gone. Rivers didn’t like it when he was asked about Garnett leaving the scene. The ever-affable coach delivered a latter-day version of Rick Pitino’s infamous “not walking through that door” nutty.

Urban Dictionary tells me a ‘nutty’ is a hissy fit. The first & hopefully last time I will ever have to go to Urban Dictionary for a Shaughnessy article.

Seriously, is that a common term?

“Guys, Kevin is not playing in this playoffs,” said the good doctor, repeating what he first announced Thursday.

The Good Doctor.. Does he play for the Local Nine?

“I’m not answering Kevin Garnett questions.

He’s dead to me! DEAD!

“I didn’t even notice, honestly, until someone told me that he wasn’t on the bench, and I could care less.

He’s a poo-poo head! Phooey on him!

Hell, he was on the bench in the first half and we were down 8 points. So this is about the players in uniform.”

On the serious tip, Kevin Garnett is the most intense human being in the history of mankind.

He takes spreading jelly on toast serious. He once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Getting KG to sit on a bench and watch his team play an intense first round playoff game is like getting a cracked-out lion on steroids to sit on a bench and watch his team play an intense first round playoff game. If I’m a Celtic roleplayer on the bench, I’m much more comfortable with KG pacing in the tunnel watching the game on a monitor than sitting next to me with a jitter-leg bouncing up & down. CUT IT OUT, JIMMY-LEGS!

To act like he just left the field like T.O. is an insult to the player that just won you a damn title a year ago. Whichever Boston reporter brought that shit up to Doc should be drawn & quartered at the corner of Brimmer & Mt. Vernon.

One of those players was Ray Allen, who looked older than baby Benjamin Button,

Because that’s a hit movie that everybody’s seen!

making 1 of 12 shots, scoring 4 points in 39 minutes. Another was Paul Pierce, who scored 23 but clanged a free throw that would have won it with 2.6 seconds left in regulation.

Way to clang it, Clangy!

Boston’s star of the day was Rajon Rondo (29 points, 9 rebounds, 7 assists), but he was countered by Rookie of the Year-in-waiting Derrick Rose, who scored 36 points with 11 assists. Part of the University of Memphis’s meltdown at the free throw line in last year’s NCAA championship game (which caused many sleepless nights for John Calipari),

And The Door..

Rose went 12 for 12 from the stripe against the Green.

Yeah, but how did he do against the Celtics?

Playing in his first NBA tournament game,

Who are you Dan, my wife?

“Oh, are you watching the NBA tournament? Why did they blow that whistle? Did he score a touchdown-goal?”

Rose was absolutely fearless.

Ditto for Noah, who snatched 17 rebounds. The Bulls were not intimidated.

Not even by Big Baby? He’s so doughy, he could give them a yeast infection. Heyo!

They were not afraid. And they shocked the Garden masses, who expect only victory when the Celtics play at home in the playoffs.

Masses: “Your performance was substandard to our expectations! We are angry masses! Raar!”

It’s always convenient to blame the officials when your team loses

Which I will..

- and Bennett Salvatore certainly had his moments -

…right there.

but Rivers wasn’t having any of that, either.

I ain’t havin’ none a dat, Shaqueesha! Hold my weave, I’m-a slap this bitch!

“Our guys were complaining, and it’s the first thing I squashed,” said the coach. “It ain’t the refs. The refs had nothing,

Nothing?

nothing to do with this game. It was us. And we’ve got to compete. We’ve got to play.”

We have to play offense & defense and sometimes both. We have to play basketball better than the other team plays basketball or we will lose basketball games!

Pierce said the fellows got an earful from their coach.

Better than a mouthful.

“He just didn’t feel like the sense of urgency was there,” said the captain.

I’d rather hear Tennille’s take on this loss.

“We understood that, so we have to expect a better game [in] Game 2 and the rest of the series now that we got hit in the mouth first game.”

The whole day was a horrid reminder of just how much Garnett changed everything. Nobody was fired up about a Boston team led by Pierce and Allen

Again, we were you stupid man. Anything’s better than Ricky Fucking Davis.

- and that’s when they had a fantastic young talent in Al Jefferson. Garnett is the man who made the Celtics champs. And now he is gone and this playoff quest feels doomed.

People wonder why newspapers are dying. Maybe it’s the air of negativity and pessimism surrounding everything they publish. Sports sections (the most important/popular part of any newspaper) across the nation are full of reporters who always try to find the negative in a story. They feel they aren’t producing unless they’re cutting down and exposing the evils of society (This coming from a guy ripping apart a reporter with a post full of negatives). I’m not saying we should live in Happy Disneyland; but maybe more people would read & enjoy the Globe if they employed some writers who inspired things in their readers, besides pitchforks & torches. Maybe they could sign some young talent that could write something looking ahead to the rest of the series and inciting the fans to get on their feet and believe in this team again. Maybe the Globe needs some damn positivity. A writer that looks ahead rather than behind. If you’re obsessed with bringing up the past, bring up the games we won last year in the spring, when it looked like we were on our way out. Go to celticsblog.com. Read Steve Weinman and the gang over there. Go to CelticsHub, Red’s Army; read those fellas. Maybe if these guys were getting paid to write for the Big Guy, the newspaper could at least tread water for a few more years. All Shaughnessy & Ryan do is cut down and spit on everything we New Englanders hold dear and believe in. We don’t have a lot. It’s cold & dreary half the time. The girls stay bundled up longer. All the industries that whole towns were built on are crashing down around us. Hell, most people think Maine’s in Canada. All we have are the Sox, Pats, Celts & Bruins. When they’re losing, we don’t need Shaughnessy & Ryan dwelling on every mistake and bad memory. I’d say, “Maybe if we ignore them, they’ll go away.” But that’s unrealistic. And then what would I do with this piece? The only solution to the newspaper problem is new blood. Instead of fighting the blogosphere and deriding it at every turn; embrace it and steal from it. The internet’s been stealing the best paper-men from you guys for years; it’s time to steal back. Or just go away and die. Your choice, Newspapers..

Once mighty and feared, the 2009 playoff Celtics are the Little Train That Could.

Sure, they can come back and beat the Bulls. First-round extinction remains unlikely.

Hey, some optimism! Hurrah! Hooray! Huzzah!

But the thrill is gone. No happy ending this time.

Nope, there it goes. Optimism out the window..

Cedric Maxwell, the ex-Celtic and team radio analyst, thinks he might have the answer.

A systematic carpet-bombing of the city of Chicago.

“I’ve got this stalker guy,” said Max.

In my mind!

“He’s about 47 years old and he followed me home the other night.

Doesn’t a stalker have to follow you home on more than one occasion to technically be considered a stalker?

He says he’s been hearing voices and that the voices are telling him he needs to play for the Celtics.

That narrows it down to every 47-year-old in the Greater Boston Area.

He keeps asking me for Wyc’s number and Danny’s number [managing partner Wyc Grousbeck and president Danny Ainge].

Danny’s sorta preoccupied at the moment, Stalker Guy.

He asked me if I’d pay for his mother’s apartment.

Blah! Blogger jokes!!!

“Then he showed up at my place and asked if I would shoot hoops with him.

Aww..

I keep telling him, ‘You can’t follow me home. I cannot help you.’

Help me, Cedric Maxwell. You’re my only hope!

But he says the voices are telling him to play for the Celtics. Imagine that story: ‘Max finds guy on street to replace KG.’ “

Wait a minute. Forty-seven years old. Nothing better to do than follow Cedric Maxwell around. Convinced he can still play..

GET AWAY FROM ME, CRAIG EHLO!!

Rivers doesn’t want to hear about it. Garnett is not walking through that door. And as Game 1 demonstrated, the Celtics aren’t going anywhere. That’s what the voices in our own heads are telling us.

The voices in Dan’s head are saying, “Wow, it’s so roomy in here! I could move in my duvet!”

Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com.

~~~

Last week, Bob Ryan tells us to “stop whining.” This week, Dan Shaughnessy tells us there’s no hope. Next week, Dan-Bob Ryanessy explains how it would’ve been better if we had just let the British win..

Have some fuckin’ faith, Boston.

Dec
25
2008
2

The McHale Files: Part III (Worst Draft Picks)

Quick, who’s the biggest draft bust in NBA history? LaRue Martin, Chris Washburn, and Dennis Hopson might merit some consideration, but I’m guessing you thought of Sam Bowie. Selected second overall by the Portland Trail Blazers in 1984 — ahead of Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and John Stockton –he had a mediocre and injury-plagued career that serves as a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of drafting for need over potential. While many consider him to be the biggest bust in NBA history, Bowie actually had a serviceable career, especially in his later years with the Nets. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for many of the other players on this list. Here are the biggest draft blunders of the Kevin McHale era.

1. Michael Olowokandi (No. 1 by the Los Angeles Clippers, 1998): Do you think Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis, or Mike Bibby might’ve been the better pick? How about Al Harrington, Jason Williams, or even Nazr Mohammed? You get the point. Olowokandi averaged 8 points and 7 rebounds over his nine-year career, and shot a putrid 43% from the field and under 60% from the foul line. The Clippers traded him to Minnesota after five seasons, and he’d finish his NBA career as a lowly reserve in Boston, playing behind the likes of Brian Scalabrine and Kevinn “Not A Typo” Pinkney. At least those guys picked after him didn’t amount to anything worthwhile.

2. Kwame Brown (No. 1 by the Washington Wizards, 2001): Already a member of the worst trades club, Kwame barely escapes top bust honors. After being selected first overall by then-GM Michael Jordan, Brown had a hard time handling pressure from the media, and especially from Jordan himself. He holds career averages of 7 points and 6 rebounds per game, including one double-figure scoring season in 2003. Although he’s still just 26 years years old, no one is foolish enough to trade Caron Butler or Pau Gasol for him again (okay, who am I kidding — this is still the NBA). Oh, and in addition to the birthday cake incident I mentioned before, Kwame once skipped a playoff practice because his tummy hurt — only to be spotted at a local Chinese restaurant the same night.

3.  Darko Milicic (No 2. by the Detroit Pistons, 2003):  As much as he wants to deny it, Joe Dumars regrets this pick every day.  Sure, the Pistons won a title that season, but would they have been worse off with Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, or Zarko Cabarkapa coming off the bench?  Darko appeared in just 96 games with the Pistons, averaging less than 2 points and barely a rebound, before being traded to Orlando for a mid-range first round pick.  It’s only a matter of time before Hamed Haddadi becomes his, um, daddy in Memphis. Shouldn’t he at least be dating a hot European model or something?

4. Nikoloz Tskitishvili (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 2002): This pick actually makes the Milicic selection look even worse, since it’s hard to imagine a GM gambling on a European big man after watching Tskitishvili. Taken ahead of Amare Stoudemire, Caron Butler, and Carlos Boozer, he played only four seasons in the NBA, averaging less than 3 points and 2 rebounds per game. But at least it’s fun to say Skita, Skita, Skita! No, wait, that’s not that fun either…never mind.  DaJuan Wagner (No. 6 by the Cleveland Cavaliers) also deserves to be mentioned here, but at least he had a decent rookie season (13 ppg)…and um, he no longer has a colon.

5. Rafael Araujo (No. 8 by the Toronto Raptors, 2004): Saying the Raptors blew this pick is an understatement. Here are just a few players taken after “Hoffa:” Andre Iguodala, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, Andris Biedrins, Kevin Martin, Beno Udrih, and Anderson Varejao. I love how his Wikipedia entry says that he “left the NBA” to play in Russia. Right…he left the NBA of his own volition; it had nothing to do with the 2.8 points and 2.8 rebounds he averaged over three seasons.  Araujo attended Minnesota’s training camp this summer, but couldn’t beat out Jason Collins or Calvin Booth for a roster spot on one of the worst teams in the league.

6.  Rodney White (No. 9 by the Detroit Pistons, 2001): Take a look at the 2001 NBA Draft, and scan the players taken after White. I’ll give you a minute. Let’s see, there’s Joe Johnson, Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Troy Murphy, Samuel Dalembert, Kedrick Brown…okay, maybe not Kedrick.  White played one season with the Pistons, before being traded to the Nuggets for Menk Bateer, Don Reid and a future first round pick. Yep, I think that just about says it all. He’s been out of the league since 2005, finishing his 218-game career with career averages of 7 points and 2 rebounds.

7. Jonathan Bender (No. 5 by the Toronto Raptors [traded to Indiana Pacers], 1999): Bender gets a slight pass here because it’s hard to be mad at the guy now. After retiring at the age of 25 due to a debilitating knee condition, he established the Jonathan Bender Foundation, a nonprofit initiative that builds and restores homes in poor New Orleans neighborhoods and offers free classes and basketball clinics.  Nonetheless, Bender averaged just 6 points and 2 rebounds over his nondescript career, appearing in 31 games over his final three seasons.  He was selected ahead of Shawn Marion, Corey Maggette, Wally Szcerbiak, Andre Miller, and Richard Hamilton, and even the man he was traded for, Antonio Davis, somehow became an All-Star.

8. Ed O’Bannon, Nets (No. 9 by the New Jersey Nets, 1995): Ed lasted only two seasons in the NBA after a spectacular career at UCLA, averaging a quiet 5 points for the Nets and Mavericks.  His only saving grace is that, aside from Michael Finley, only a few prominent players were selected after him (Kurt Thomas, Corliss Williamson, Brent Barry).  Oh, and he’s now a car salesman in Nevada — and proud of it!.  I also could’ve gone with Shawn Respert (No. 8 by the Milwaukee Bucks) in this spot, but he later revealed that he battled — and courageously beat — cancer during his disappointing four-year pro career.

9. Marcus Fizer (No. 4 by the Chicago Bulls, 2000):  Let’s make one thing clear:  2000 was a historically bad draft class.  Of the lottery picks, only Kenyon Martin, Mike Miller, and Jamal Crawford have had solid NBA careers.   But Stromile Swift, DeMarr Johnson, Chris Mihm, and Jerome Moiso?  Any of these guys can claim a spot on this list, so, why did I choose Marcus Fizer?  Because he’s the only one who’s been an NBA Development League MVP. Ha, take that, critics!  Oh, and in addition to Miller and Crawford, Michael Redd (taken at #43!), Hedo Turkoglu, and Joel Pryzbilla were also drafted after him.

10.  Shelden Williams (No. 5 by the Atlanta Hawks, 2005):  I don’t want to diss Mr. Candace Parker yet again, so I’ll keep this brief.  Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, and Rudy Gay were taken after him in succession.  His numbers have decreased in each of his first three seasons, and he can’t get off the Kings’ bench during a rebuilding year.  Oh, and he’s ugly as all hell (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

Dishonorable Mention:

What's the deal with #11?

Fran Vasquez (No. 11 by the Orlando Magic, 2005)
Trajan Langdon (No. 11 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 1999)
Todd Fuller (No. 11 by the Golden State Warriors, 1996)
Luke Jackson (No. 10 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 2004)
Tony Battie (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 1997)
Frederic Weis (No. 15 by the New York Knicks, 1999)
Saer Sene (No. 10 by the Seattle SuperSonics, 2006)

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