Jan
07
2010
5

BOOM-SHAKALAKA!!

Gore-tastic!

Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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Dec
08
2009
0

Bob Ryan Also Sucks..

It’s been almost two months since Bob Ryan spoke on the sport of basketball. He’s been too busy defending the elderly Bill Belichick. LEAVE GRAMPA ALONE!

Today Bob discusses Brandon Jennings and the fact that he must bow at the altar of KG, the first man to say “College is for pussies.” (Except for Reggie Harding & Spencer Haywood & Darryl Dawkins & Bill Willoughby & Moses Malone & Lloyd Daniels & Shawn Kemp; but after them, JUST KG!!)

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Dec
02
2009
0

Triumphant Returns..

(Allen Iverson strides into morning practice at the Wachovia Center..)

Iverson: I’m back, bitches!

Stefanski: (follows closely behind, throwing rose petals at his feet)

Iverson: Who wants to give AI a hug?

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Nov
04
2009
0

Stephen & Don..

(Warriors ex-Captain Stephen Jackson is hanging out in Coach Nelson’s office..)

Nelson: I know! Let’s steal a car!

Jackson: Nah, I did that this morning.

Nelson: (crosses arms grumpily)  You do everything without me!

Jackson: Coach, I got other friends that wanna do stuff. I can’t just hang out with you 24-7, like that kiss-ass Curry!

Curry: (wanders into office)  Hey Coach! Hey Stephen!

Jackson: (snicker)

Nelson: (stifled guffaw)

Jackson: (eats Snickers) (more…)

Oct
01
2009
7

LowPosts Team Previews: Los Angeles Clippers

Key Offseason Additions: Blake Griffin, Sebastian Telfair, Sebastian Telfair’s handgun, Rasual Butler, Craig Smith, Quentin Richardson’s boarding pass, Mark Madsen’s $2.8-million salary cap hit

Picture all the possibilities...

The Lowdown: After adding two overpaid and injury-prone All-Stars in Baron Davis and Marcus Camby to a young nucleus of Al Thornton and Eric Gordon last summer, many analysts considered the Clippers to be a sleeper playoff team. Well, we all know how that turned out — the same old Clippers finished with the second-worst record in the league, placing among the leaders in worst team field goal percentage and worst opponents’ field goal percentage. Trading for Zach Randolph mid-season tends to do that to a team.

Of course, the basketball gods apparently reward incompetence, since the Clippers were blessed on two fronts. First came the number one pick in an NBA Draft that had one consensus top selection that even Mike Dunleavy couldn’t possibly screw up, as much as he undoubtedly tried. And then came the jaw-dropping trade of Zach Randolph’s two-year, $33-million contract to a GM with even less common sense than Dunleavy (Chris Wallace) in Memphis. It should also be noted that the Clippers flirted with the idea of pairing Allen Iverson with Davis in the backcourt and forming the first ever team that never passes.

The Good: I can’t believe I’m about to write this, but the Clippers actually ended up having one of the best offseasons of any team in the NBA. In fact, the first key offseason addition above shouldn’t even be Rookie of the Year favorite Blake Griffin, but team chemistry, via the aforementioned subtraction of Randolph (though they do still have Ricky Davis).  Baron Davis has reportedly looked more like the player who once resurrected a struggling Warriors franchise than a Kimbo Slice lookalike who shot a putrid 37% from the field last season, while Bassy Telfair is a capable, if not underrated backup who’s amazingly still only 24 years old. If — and this is a big if — Marcus Camby and Chris Kaman can combine to play in 120 games, this could be a team on the rise in a suddenly weaker Western Conference.

Oh, who are we kidding — they’re still the Clippers.

Fantasy Sleeper Alert: Once again, because they are the Clippers, and this bears repeating over and over again, bad things can will happen. Camby and Kaman are obvious threats to go down at any time, and Griffin is already banged up with knee and shoulder injuries. Keep an eye on Craig Smith and DeAndre Jordan, both of whom have been able to produce serviceable numbers when given starter’s minutes.

Prediction: 25-57 — 5th in Pacific Division, 15th in Western Conference

Sep
09
2009
1
Sep
02
2009
0
Aug
27
2009
0
Jul
22
2009
0

Bill Plaschke Also Also Sucks..

In our second installment of “Bill Plaschke Also Also Sucks,” Bill implores the defending champions to re-sign their third-best player; a not-too-preposterous request.

But Mr. Plaschke decides this request isn’t enough to flesh out an entire column. So he decides to take some not-entirely-warranted potshots at free agent Allen Iverson.

It’s only too appropriate that Bill’s middle name is Homer.

To the Assbloatmobile! (more…)

Jun
12
2009
3

I Wanted to Be Like Mike

From early on his career, Kobe Bryant has tried to sound like Michael Jordan in his interviews, pump his fist in the same manner after hitting a big shot, and stick his tongue out as he drove to the basket. Hell, he’ll probably come back as number 46 after a year on the Dodgers’ AA affiliate. Although Bryant won’t ever match Jordan’s six championships, five MVPs, and 10 league scoring titles, his forth title cements him as the greatest “Air” apparent the NBA has seen to date, with LeBron James and Dwyane Wade trailing closely behind.

Over the last two decades, nearly a dozen players have been labeled as “the next Michael Jordan,” and predictably, very few have come close to living up to such high expectations. Whether it was luck, determination, or pure drive to be the best, Jordan was remarkably durable and consistent, playing in all 82 games in his final season at the age of 40. Here are some players who never materialized into the second coming of MJ, despite oftentimes having excellent NBA careers in their own right.

Harold Miner: Baby Jordan’s two Slam Dunk title are the only thing he has in common with MJ.  Following a stellar career at USC, Miner averaged nine points and 2.2 rebounds in 19 minutes per game over four in the NBA, failing to impress coaches with poor defense and shot selection. After being waived by Cleveland in 1996 (this beauty is a bargain), Miner retired from basketball and now lives in seclusion as a Las Vegas real estate investor. I wonder if he ever runs into Ed O’Bannon.

Isaiah Rider: After winning the 1994 Slam Dunk Contest as high-hopping rookie (pun intended), Rider clashed with coaches and scored four arrests, including assault for kicking a female bar manager. Appropriately traded to the Jail Blazers for super-scrub Bill Curley, he bounced around the league before being released by Denver in 2002.  Rider ultimately matched Jordan’s six titles with six post-NBA arrests, including charges of kidnapping and cocaine possession.

Jerry Stackhouse: A similarly-built 6′6″ prolific scorer out of North Carolina, Stack put up five 20-point seasons over the course of his career, but unlike Jordan, barely shot over 40% from the field and appeared in only 18 playoff games before settling for a reserve role in Dallas. His scoring sharply declined after knee surgery, limiting him to just 4.2 points in 10 games last season. Ever the fashion icon, Stack endorsed the ugliest Fila sneakers ever, and is credited for starting the infamous ballerina tights trend.

Anfernee Hardaway: Penny quickly emerged as a superstar in Orlando, all while his little puppet macked on Tyra Banks by the pool. But after four knee surgeries cost Hardaway much of his athleticism, he became an injury-riddled role player on Phoenix and eventually an afterthought on New York and Miami. Perhaps Penny’s career could’ve turned out differently with a little more luck, and I could’ve been rich for investing $30 in his Topps Finest rookie card.

Grant Hill: It’s easy to forget that as a Piston, Hill was once one of the best all-around athletes in the league, and had endorsement deals with Sprite, McDonald’s, and Fila.  After six seasons in Detroit, he helped the Pistons win a title in 2004 by netting them Ben Wallace in a sign-and-trade with Orlando. Hill missed 374 games over the next seven years, before discovering the benefits of HGH — excuse me, the Suns’ medical staff. He put up 12 points per game in the first 82-game season of his 14-year career.

Tracy McGrady: An all-around amazing athlete, T-Mac captured two scoring titles before back and knee injuries hampered the later stages of his career. But while Jordan made nine All-Defensive Teams, Sleepy’s been routinely exploited by opposing coaches for his lack of focus. And of course, since McGrady is synonymous with playoff failure, it was only fitting that Houston made it past the first round as he sat in street clothes, leading many to question whether the Rockets are a better team without him.

Vince Carter: Another 6′6″ Tar Heels alum, Carter quickly mesmerized fans and media with his ferocious windmill slams and hasn’t put up less than 20 points per game since his rookie season. And yet after demonstrating an embarrasing lack of effort in Toronto and allegedly giving away his team’s plays, he’s earned a reputation as a quitter and chronic underachiever who shies away from pressure. In fact, Vince is clutching his knee in agony after reading this paragraph.

Allen Iverson: We all remember the infamous crossover that shook the great one in his shoes. The ultimate volume shooter, Iverson racked up countless fines, suspensions, and off the court controversies that earned him a me-first reputation he further compounded by refusing to come off the bench last season (something Jordan accepted in Washington). Despite winning an MVP award and capturing four scoring titles, his teams made only one Finals appearance.  Maybe he should’ve practiced a little more.

Honorable Mention:

*Tamir Goodman: Remember the The Jewish Jordan? I didn’t either until a recent NBC piece revealed that he’s now playing in Israel for Maccabi Haifa, happily fulfilling his life dream after a few down years following his high school prominence. And once you get past the money, fame, and beautiful women, isn’t that all that matters? Yeah, I didn’t think so. But at least he’s doing better than Miner.

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