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Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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It’s been almost two months since Bob Ryan spoke on the sport of basketball. He’s been too busy defending the elderly Bill Belichick. LEAVE GRAMPA ALONE!

Today Bob discusses Brandon Jennings and the fact that he must bow at the altar of KG, the first man to say “College is for pussies.” (Except for Reggie Harding & Spencer Haywood & Darryl Dawkins & Bill Willoughby & Moses Malone & Lloyd Daniels & Shawn Kemp; but after them, JUST KG!!)

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Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.

Y’all Don’t Know is an ongoing exploration into all that is sinister, weird, creepy-crawly and loosey-goosey around us.

Did you know that there are mysterious, unexplainable energies whirling all around us as we speak? NO! ‘Cause Y’ALL DON’T KNOW!

Today on Y’all Don’t Know, we’re gonna talk about Unidentified Flying Humanoids!

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Key Offseason Additions: Channing Frye, Earl Clark, Dan Dickau, The Other Griffin Brother, Jason Richardson’s DUI, The Ghost of Sasha Pavlovic,  Amar’e Stoudemire’s right eye

We found the new Pollard...

The Lowdown: Once upon a time not long ago, the Suns were one of the most fun teams to watch and the easiest to predict, with a nucleus of Steve Nash, Shawn Marion, and Amar’e Stoudemire jacking up shots in seven seconds or less and winning 55 games in the process.  But of course, Steve Kerr had to go and mess that up — now why you wanna go and do that, Steve, huh?

With the Shaquille O’Neal experiment now deemed failure in Phoenix, the Suns will look to revitalize the run-and-gun days of old under of one of Mike D’Antoni’s disciples, Alvin Gentry.  After barely missing the playoffs with a respectable 46-36 record — including a promising 18-13 finish under Gentry — Phoenix welcomes back a team with more questions than answers, led by a presumably two-eyed Stoudemire, a suspiciously revitalized Grant Hill (you would’ve gotten pretty good odds in Vegas on Hill playing in all 82 games last year), and a 35-year-old Nash coming off his worst season in five years.

The Good: While Goran Dragic, despite sounding like a highly formidable “Rocky” opponent, failed to show much promise in his rookie campaign, Dan Dickau was brought in to battle for the backup PG spot.  So there’s that. And let’s not forget, the Suns continue to lead the league in awesome hairstyles, from Louis Amundson’s Scot Pollard-esque samurai ponytail, to Robin Lopez’s best Sideshow Bob impersonation.  It may not help them get more wins (or will it?), but it sure adds to their entertainment value.  At least for me.

Fantasy Sleeper Alert: Anyone who’s watched Channing Frye in Portland over the last two years has probably wondered what he’s done to deserve a guaranteed NBA contract, much less a starting job.  But as it stands right now, Frye is atop the team’s depth chart at center, making the aforementioned Lopez an immediate candidate to get big minutes and emerge into a cheap source of boards and blocks.

Prediction: 44-38 — 2nd in Pacific Division, 8th in Western Conference

The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ is an ongoing project, exploring the potential destinations of a man cursed by puppets - Lebron James. All thirty teams (and perhaps some European squads) will be analyzed and awarded an arbitrary percentage on their odds of being Lebronorized. Past teams can be accessed here.

Today:  The Phoenix Suns.. (more…)

(The Warriors are hanging out in their practice gym, thinking about the future..)

Watson: Okay, we’re tenth in the West. Only two spots out of the playoffs and seventeen games behind the eight-seed Mavs. Corey, you went to Duke; what do we have to do to make the playoffs?

Maggette: (clicks buttons on calculator, adjusts spectacles, calculator explodes in Corey’s face)  Good heavens!

Biedrins: Playoffs?

Watson: (looks down glumly)  No Andris, no playoffs.

Maggette: ‘Fraid not, old chum!

Jackson: Mothafucka, this yo fault!

Ellis: (pouts)  Sorry..  (breaks hip)

(Coach Nelson comes careening into the gym and hucks a basketball directly at Monta’s face..)

Nelson: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnellie ball!!!!!!!!! (more…)

Bob Ryan sucks, Bob Ryan sucks, Bob Ryan sucks, bla bla bla…

No time for lenghty intros today. Bob Ryan wrote two Marbury defenses this weekend, so I decided to mash them into one big ol’ Ryan-bashing; ’cause I’m too lazy for multiple posts..

On to the windbaggery! (more…)

(Mavericks sharpshooter Matt Carroll is slumped against his locker, kicking at the floor when former Knicks superstar Anthony Mason sits down next to him..)

Mason: What’s wrong, Matt?

Carroll: Aw nothin’, Anthony George Douglas Mason. I’m just glum is all..

Mason: Why, n*gga?

Carroll: Everybody says I’m not funny. They says my jokes are tired, worn & old. They says I’m a lame duck or goose.

Mason: Well that ain’t very nice of them..

Carroll: Aw shucks Anthony; all I wanna do is make people chortle.

Mason: Chortle? The fuck kinda word is that?!

Bogut: (guffaws)

Carroll: (chortles)  Ah jeez, Anthony Mason. You always know how to cheer up a brother from a mother that may or may not be your own.

Mason: I’m just lookin’ out for you Matthaniel, you my B. Keep ya head up, honky.

Carroll: Yeah, I guess things could be worse..

(Suns forward Amare Stoudemire stumbles into the locker room with the assistance of a cane..)

Stoudemire: Yeah, you could be blind.

(Stoudemire walks directly into a wall and everybody laughs/chortles/guffaws long into the night..)

It’s time, once again, for me to don my statistical analysis cap (which looks unsettlingly like a Klan hood; really should get a new cap..) and delve into the magical world of numbers.

A month ago, I introduced The Absolute Zero Award (Sponsored by Sprite). Through a complicatingly-stupid explanation of the concept of mathematical limit and with the help of NBA.com’s Efficiency Rating, I attempted to determine the worst player in the NBA. (Closest player to a 0 rating in Efficiency, playing in at least ten games. 30 is great. 0 is very not great.) That player turned out to be New Jersey’s Maurice Ager. (more…)

The 2009 NBA All-Star Game is just days away, and there is still so very little we know about these mysterious starters.

Who are they? Where do they come from? What are their dreams? What’s their favorite dinosaur?

Today, we will try to answer some of those questions with an interesting factoid on every starter..

And if your favorite dinosaur isn’t a pterodactyl, you’re an idiot.. (more…)