(Toyota Chairman Fujio Cho is playing with his Japanese robot-son..)
Cho: B-flat! Where you learn play trumpet?
Assistant: Mr. Cho. We have a problem.
Cho: You hear my son play trumpet?
Assistant: Yes, he’s very good sir. It’s the Americans, Mr. Cho. They’ve screwed it all up.
Cho: Oh, what they do now?
Assistant: They’ve been concealing vital information that led to the death of hundreds.
Cho: Oh. That not good.
Clintastic!
In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii. If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.
There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer. My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.
Without further ado, I present the three players – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis. I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves. Whoops, bad choice of words there.
(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson. Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
(more…)
Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.
Y’all Don’t Know is an ongoing exploration into all that is sinister, weird, creepy-crawly and loosey-goosey around us.
Did you know that there are mysterious, unexplainable energies whirling all around us as we speak? NO! ‘Cause Y’all Don’t Know!
Today on Y’all Don’t Know, we’re gonna talk about Government Surveillance! (more…)
(Warriors swingman Stephen Jackson is sitting in the NBA Gazebo, chugging vodka, when Mavericks guard Matt Carroll sits down next to him..)
Carroll: These gosh-darn Adirondack chairs are more comfortable than a barrel full of kittens! Nothing beats a good sit, eh Stephen Alvarez Jackson of the Golden State (Northern California/Bay Area) Warriors basketball program?
Jackson: (sighs)
Carroll: What are you so down in the dumps on the far side of town about, Captain of the Jacks?
Jackson: I’m just prayin’ to Cyborg Jesus I get traded! (more…)
Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.
Y’all Don’t Know is an ongoing exploration into all that is sinister, weird, creepy-crawly and loosey-goosey around us.
Did you know that there are mysterious, unexplainable energies whirling all around us as we speak? NO! ‘Cause Y’all Don’t Know!
Today on Y’all Don’t Know, we’re gonna talk about Jesus! (more…)
(Lebron James & University of Kentucky freshman John Wall are relaxing on the back porch of Coach Calipari’s Lexington plantation..)
James: (sighs) It’s nice here..
Wall: Yup.
James: When do you start classes?
Wall: (snickers) (more…)
(New Buck Brandon Jennings logs onto teammate Andrew Bogut’s blog..)
Jennings: Let’s see what all this about.
Blogut: [Log In]
Jennings: What the what? I gotta register?
Blogut: [Log In]
Jennings: Alright computer, damn! I’m loggin’ in. (more…)
(One afternoon in the Mavericks locker room..)
Howard: And then you like, “Well ya better go catch it, n*gga!”
Carroll: Oh, chortle! (chortles)
Howard: (giggles)
Carroll: (turns to Josh, grinning) It’s ringing!
Howard: (giggles)
Stern: Hello? David Stern’s office.. (more…)
(Anthony Mason is hanging out at the NBA Gazebo when Matthew Carroll joins him outside, bracket in hand..)
Carroll: I tell ya, Anthony Tyler Mason of the Unemployment Line, I’m bracking my brain over this bracket! (light chortle) Who’d you pick to win the whole hullabaloo?
Mason: The Tennessee State Tigers, bitch!
Carroll: (chortles) Well, what in the heck! What’s a Tennessee State Tiger? (peruses bracket) I don’t even see them on here..
Mason: They’re my alma mater, sucka!
Carroll: You went to college?
Bogut: (passing by) Guffaw! (more…)
(Previously, on lowposts.com..)
Carroll: (lands in cloudy abyss) KA-WHUMP! Jeepers!
Radja: Greetings, young Carroll!
Carroll: Gee whillickers & gosh-golly-gee! It’s Bryant “Big Country” Reeves & Dino Rađa, pronounced “Radja” in our native tongue!
Reeves: (tips cowboy hat) Howdy! (more…)
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