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Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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(Warriors Coach Don Nelson is in his office, gossiping with Stephen Curry..)

Nelson: And he ate the whole thing! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Curry: …

Nelson: C’mon, that’s funny!

Curry: I don’t even know what you’re talking about. All you said was ‘and he ate the whole thing’ and then you laughed for a while.

Nelson: (chuckles)  Yeah, that was great.

(more…)

Key Offseason Additions: Stephen Curry, Mikki Moore’s snake (SFW), Mikki Moore, Monta Ellis’ ankle, Acie Law, Speedy Claxton, Devean George

Life hasn't been all roller staking and boom-boxing for the Warriors lately...

The Lowdown: It’s becoming more evident that the Warriors’ magical 2007 playoff run was nothing more than a fun and exciting anomaly for a franchise that has now missed the postseason in 14 of the last 15 years. In 2008/09, Golden State was second in the league in scoring, but also finished dead last in points allowed and ninth-worst in turnovers. Ah, good ol’ Nellie Ball (notice the absence of the “d”).

Don Nelson has won 1,309 games over his storied career, but has developed just as many irreparable rifts with both players and owners through his unpredictable lineup shuffling, leading to the departures of Baron Davis, Al Harrington, and Jamal Crawford from Warrior-land.  Although the team has yet to honor Stephen Jackson’s trade demand, his days in Golden State are clearly numbered, and Monta “Pinocchio” Ellis is likely not far behind.  If Nellie pushes Anthony Randolph out of town, there will be a violent uproar in Oakland…well, a bigger one than usual.

After a head-scratching trade that sent third-year guard Marco Belinelli to Toronto for a Spice Girls CD and the Contra cheat code Devean George, the biggest question centers around the Warriors’ direction for the future. Is this a team in the midst of rebuilding or trying to win now?  For all of the talent, Nellie’s style of play makes a deep playoff run highly improbable, while the team can’t fully rebuild with so many long-term contracts still on the books.

The Good: The Warriors are certainly not lacking firepower, and we’re not just talking about what’s in Stephen Jackson’s glove compartment. With the addition of sharp-shooter Stephen Curry and the continued development of Ellis, Randolph, and Andris Biedrins, Golden State will rarely struggle to score over 100 points (while giving up 120), and remains one of the most entertaining teams to watch on the court.

Even after losing Brendan Wright to injury, the Warriors are still arguably the deepest and most versatile team in the league. Nelson’s bread and butter over the years (and the man knows his bread and butter) has been creating match-up difficulties for his opponents, and with a roster full of athletic swingmen, Golden State will continue to surprise teams with different offensive schemes and unconventional lineups.

Fantasy Sleeper Alert: In 16 starts last season, Anthony Morrow averaged 15.6 points (47% FG), 4.1 rebounds, 2.1 threes, and 1.1 steals per game. The world-renowned record-holder for most points in a Summer League game (47) is slated to come off the bench behind Corey Maggette, but should have a bigger role on offense as the Warriors’ best outside shooter after the departure of Belinelli. Plus, Maggette just pulled a hamstring reading this post.

Prediction: 32-50 — 3rd in Pacific Division, 12th in Western Conference

(Warriors rookie Stephen Curry runs into Coach Don Nelson’s office..)

Curry: Coach!

Nelson: (swivels around in chair)  Gahhh–I wasn’t masturbating!!

Curry: Um..

Nelson: (looks down, zips up fly)

Curry: Coach, Andris is hitting people over the head with a mallet. Says it’s for some sort of Latvian holiday, but it really hurts!

Nelson:  Now, Young Stephen. Nobody likes a tattletale.

Curry: But Coach, Rony Turiaf is on the floor bleeding!

Nelson: Probably just his dreadlocks. What did you want to see me for?

Curry: Um, that. What I just told you.

Nelson: Right, now my thing. (more…)

(The Warriors are hanging out in their practice gym, thinking about the future..)

Watson: Okay, we’re tenth in the West. Only two spots out of the playoffs and seventeen games behind the eight-seed Mavs. Corey, you went to Duke; what do we have to do to make the playoffs?

Maggette: (clicks buttons on calculator, adjusts spectacles, calculator explodes in Corey’s face)  Good heavens!

Biedrins: Playoffs?

Watson: (looks down glumly)  No Andris, no playoffs.

Maggette: ‘Fraid not, old chum!

Jackson: Mothafucka, this yo fault!

Ellis: (pouts)  Sorry..  (breaks hip)

(Coach Nelson comes careening into the gym and hucks a basketball directly at Monta’s face..)

Nelson: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnellie ball!!!!!!!!! (more…)

Last week’s look at the strangest NBA player free throw routines touched on a related topic — some of the league’s ugliest shots.  Now, keep in mind that an unorthodox shooting form, such as Reggie Miller’s jumper or even Rick Barry’s underhand free throws, doesn’t neccessarily have to be ugly. But let’s just say that you’d never want the following players to teach your kid how to shoot a basketball.

1. Chuck Hayes: It takes a special kind of ugly to knock Shawn Marion’s flick shot down to number two, but Hayes has earned that right. It would almost be cute if this was a video of a fourth-grader nervously shooting his free throws in front of a big crowd. But, no, this is an NBA player, and its downright disgraceful (although shockingly, he’s a 58% career foul shooter). Before it’s all said and done, he’ll shatter Anthony Mason’s record for most lane violations drawn.

2. Shawn Marion: I don’t think Marion needs an introduction here, since his name came to mind the second you read the title. He shoots the ball from below his shoulders, flinging the ball at the basket with his fingertips like a chest pass. It reminds me of someone playing hot potato with the basketball. But while it makes me cringe every time I see it, it’s also hard to argue with the results — Marion shoots a respectable 48% from the field and 34% from downtown.

3. Bill Cartwright:  How bad was Cartwright’s free throw form?  He retired in 1995, and Lil’ Wayne rapped about it a full decade later. Cartwright raises the ball with both of his arms outstretched, almost as if he’s about to shoot it underhanded, and then places it high over his head. He then goes into his two-handed release, just barely flicking his wrist on the follow-through. Amazingly, he once held the NBA record for most free throws made in a game without a miss (19).

4.  Jamaal Wilkes / Marcus Camby:  I’m grouping these two players together, since their forms are similar in a lot of aspects.  Most notably, each shoots from behind his head, resembling a projectile fired from a catapult.  Marcus Camby’s is slightly more pronounced, and he also takes the ball from the left side of his body, even though he’s a right-handed shooter. It feels like it takes a good 10 seconds for the ball to get from his hands to the rim.

5. Andris Biedrins: Biedrins has developed into a very solid player, perhaps even a borderline All-Star. But he really needs to work on that foul shooting stroke. Not only is his shot missing any semblance of an arc or backspin, but he also appears to just be pushing the ball forward with his left hand; there’s no visible guidance from his right hand whatsoever.  And I don’t think I’ve seen a player get on tippy-toes to reach the basket. Maybe that’s the way they teach it in Latvia?

6. Charles Barkley’s golf swing: Yeah, I know it doesn’t take place on the court, but here’s a Hall of Fame NBA player, an exceptionally coordinated professional athlete, hacking away on the golf course. I’ve barely even touched a club and I’m pretty sure I could do better than that. It brings back memories of watching Tony Batista take a couple of check swings at the plate before grounding out to third base. Or even the immortal Chuck Hayes at the foul line.

7. Josh Childress: Study that photo for a minute, and tell me if Childress’ form doesn’t go against everything you’ve ever learned about shooting a basketball. His right elbow sticks way out to the side, and he ends up releasing the ball with one arm, refusing to use his left hand for guidance. It’s like an ‘if they mated’ mash-up of Shawn Marion’s chest pass and Andris Biedrins’ one-handed push shot.

8. Kevin Martin: Martin is one of the best up-and-coming players in the NBA, but his shot is as awkward as they come.  The release at the top of his jumper appears to be almost picture-perfect, if only he didn’t shoot the ball from his side and swivel his hips as he stepped into his shot.  Please allow me this opportunity to relive past Sacramento Kings glory and watch him go coast to coast for an incredible buzzer-beater against the Spurs in the 2006 NBA Playoffs.

9. Joakim Noah: Noah is certainly no stranger to ugly (cheap joke, but it is what it is). At the free throw line, he puts both of his hands on the side of the ball, and practically passes it towards the rim, a la Marion. He kinda shoots the way I used to when I was eight years old and didn’t have the strength to release the ball with only my right hand. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any video, so here’s the Noah stock photo we had on file.

10. Ronnie Brewer: Stop me if you’ve heard this story before: Brewer broke his arm as a kid in a terrible accident and developed an unusual shooting style because he can no longer fully extend his right elbow. The funny thing is, his stroke is highly effective, as he’s shooting at a 53% clip through his first 2+ seasons in the NBA. Then again, judging from this official team highlight video, he only scores on driving lay-ups and uncontested dunks (shot at the 1:20 mark).

Quick Hits:

*Manute Bol: Sure, you remember Manute Bol. But do you remember Manute Bol shooting threes? It’s best that you don’t…

*Bo Outlaw: Bo would be ranked higher if I could find any video of his horrid jumper.

*Desmond Mason:  I saw him shoot free throws once and I don’t think I’ve been the same since.

*Shaquille O’Neal: obligatory.

Quick, who’s the biggest draft bust in NBA history? LaRue Martin, Chris Washburn, and Dennis Hopson might merit some consideration, but I’m guessing you thought of Sam Bowie. Selected second overall by the Portland Trail Blazers in 1984 — ahead of Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and John Stockton –he had a mediocre and injury-plagued career that serves as a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of drafting for need over potential. While many consider him to be the biggest bust in NBA history, Bowie actually had a serviceable career, especially in his later years with the Nets. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for many of the other players on this list. Here are the biggest draft blunders of the Kevin McHale era.

1. Michael Olowokandi (No. 1 by the Los Angeles Clippers, 1998): Do you think Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis, or Mike Bibby might’ve been the better pick? How about Al Harrington, Jason Williams, or even Nazr Mohammed? You get the point. Olowokandi averaged 8 points and 7 rebounds over his nine-year career, and shot a putrid 43% from the field and under 60% from the foul line. The Clippers traded him to Minnesota after five seasons, and he’d finish his NBA career as a lowly reserve in Boston, playing behind the likes of Brian Scalabrine and Kevinn “Not A Typo” Pinkney. At least those guys picked after him didn’t amount to anything worthwhile.

2. Kwame Brown (No. 1 by the Washington Wizards, 2001): Already a member of the worst trades club, Kwame barely escapes top bust honors. After being selected first overall by then-GM Michael Jordan, Brown had a hard time handling pressure from the media, and especially from Jordan himself. He holds career averages of 7 points and 6 rebounds per game, including one double-figure scoring season in 2003. Although he’s still just 26 years years old, no one is foolish enough to trade Caron Butler or Pau Gasol for him again (okay, who am I kidding — this is still the NBA). Oh, and in addition to the birthday cake incident I mentioned before, Kwame once skipped a playoff practice because his tummy hurt — only to be spotted at a local Chinese restaurant the same night.

3.  Darko Milicic (No 2. by the Detroit Pistons, 2003):  As much as he wants to deny it, Joe Dumars regrets this pick every day.  Sure, the Pistons won a title that season, but would they have been worse off with Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, or Zarko Cabarkapa coming off the bench?  Darko appeared in just 96 games with the Pistons, averaging less than 2 points and barely a rebound, before being traded to Orlando for a mid-range first round pick.  It’s only a matter of time before Hamed Haddadi becomes his, um, daddy in Memphis. Shouldn’t he at least be dating a hot European model or something?

4. Nikoloz Tskitishvili (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 2002): This pick actually makes the Milicic selection look even worse, since it’s hard to imagine a GM gambling on a European big man after watching Tskitishvili. Taken ahead of Amare Stoudemire, Caron Butler, and Carlos Boozer, he played only four seasons in the NBA, averaging less than 3 points and 2 rebounds per game. But at least it’s fun to say Skita, Skita, Skita! No, wait, that’s not that fun either…never mind.  DaJuan Wagner (No. 6 by the Cleveland Cavaliers) also deserves to be mentioned here, but at least he had a decent rookie season (13 ppg)…and um, he no longer has a colon.

5. Rafael Araujo (No. 8 by the Toronto Raptors, 2004): Saying the Raptors blew this pick is an understatement. Here are just a few players taken after “Hoffa:” Andre Iguodala, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, Andris Biedrins, Kevin Martin, Beno Udrih, and Anderson Varejao. I love how his Wikipedia entry says that he “left the NBA” to play in Russia. Right…he left the NBA of his own volition; it had nothing to do with the 2.8 points and 2.8 rebounds he averaged over three seasons.  Araujo attended Minnesota’s training camp this summer, but couldn’t beat out Jason Collins or Calvin Booth for a roster spot on one of the worst teams in the league.

6.  Rodney White (No. 9 by the Detroit Pistons, 2001): Take a look at the 2001 NBA Draft, and scan the players taken after White. I’ll give you a minute. Let’s see, there’s Joe Johnson, Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Troy Murphy, Samuel Dalembert, Kedrick Brown…okay, maybe not Kedrick.  White played one season with the Pistons, before being traded to the Nuggets for Menk Bateer, Don Reid and a future first round pick. Yep, I think that just about says it all. He’s been out of the league since 2005, finishing his 218-game career with career averages of 7 points and 2 rebounds.

7. Jonathan Bender (No. 5 by the Toronto Raptors [traded to Indiana Pacers], 1999): Bender gets a slight pass here because it’s hard to be mad at the guy now. After retiring at the age of 25 due to a debilitating knee condition, he established the Jonathan Bender Foundation, a nonprofit initiative that builds and restores homes in poor New Orleans neighborhoods and offers free classes and basketball clinics.  Nonetheless, Bender averaged just 6 points and 2 rebounds over his nondescript career, appearing in 31 games over his final three seasons.  He was selected ahead of Shawn Marion, Corey Maggette, Wally Szcerbiak, Andre Miller, and Richard Hamilton, and even the man he was traded for, Antonio Davis, somehow became an All-Star.

8. Ed O’Bannon, Nets (No. 9 by the New Jersey Nets, 1995): Ed lasted only two seasons in the NBA after a spectacular career at UCLA, averaging a quiet 5 points for the Nets and Mavericks.  His only saving grace is that, aside from Michael Finley, only a few prominent players were selected after him (Kurt Thomas, Corliss Williamson, Brent Barry).  Oh, and he’s now a car salesman in Nevada — and proud of it!.  I also could’ve gone with Shawn Respert (No. 8 by the Milwaukee Bucks) in this spot, but he later revealed that he battled — and courageously beat — cancer during his disappointing four-year pro career.

9. Marcus Fizer (No. 4 by the Chicago Bulls, 2000):  Let’s make one thing clear:  2000 was a historically bad draft class.  Of the lottery picks, only Kenyon Martin, Mike Miller, and Jamal Crawford have had solid NBA careers.   But Stromile Swift, DeMarr Johnson, Chris Mihm, and Jerome Moiso?  Any of these guys can claim a spot on this list, so, why did I choose Marcus Fizer?  Because he’s the only one who’s been an NBA Development League MVP. Ha, take that, critics!  Oh, and in addition to Miller and Crawford, Michael Redd (taken at #43!), Hedo Turkoglu, and Joel Pryzbilla were also drafted after him.

10.  Shelden Williams (No. 5 by the Atlanta Hawks, 2005):  I don’t want to diss Mr. Candace Parker yet again, so I’ll keep this brief.  Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, and Rudy Gay were taken after him in succession.  His numbers have decreased in each of his first three seasons, and he can’t get off the Kings’ bench during a rebuilding year.  Oh, and he’s ugly as all hell (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

Dishonorable Mention:

Fran Vasquez (No. 11 by the Orlando Magic, 2005)
Trajan Langdon (No. 11 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 1999)
Todd Fuller (No. 11 by the Golden State Warriors, 1996)
Luke Jackson (No. 10 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 2004)
Tony Battie (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 1997)
Frederic Weis (No. 15 by the New York Knicks, 1999)
Saer Sene (No. 10 by the Seattle SuperSonics, 2006)