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Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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Pistol Brandisher & his faithful Injun sidekick Tex Mecks run down the Western Conference.. (more…)

Key Offseason Additions: Stephen Curry, Mikki Moore’s snake (SFW), Mikki Moore, Monta Ellis’ ankle, Acie Law, Speedy Claxton, Devean George

Life hasn't been all roller staking and boom-boxing for the Warriors lately...

The Lowdown: It’s becoming more evident that the Warriors’ magical 2007 playoff run was nothing more than a fun and exciting anomaly for a franchise that has now missed the postseason in 14 of the last 15 years. In 2008/09, Golden State was second in the league in scoring, but also finished dead last in points allowed and ninth-worst in turnovers. Ah, good ol’ Nellie Ball (notice the absence of the “d”).

Don Nelson has won 1,309 games over his storied career, but has developed just as many irreparable rifts with both players and owners through his unpredictable lineup shuffling, leading to the departures of Baron Davis, Al Harrington, and Jamal Crawford from Warrior-land.  Although the team has yet to honor Stephen Jackson’s trade demand, his days in Golden State are clearly numbered, and Monta “Pinocchio” Ellis is likely not far behind.  If Nellie pushes Anthony Randolph out of town, there will be a violent uproar in Oakland…well, a bigger one than usual.

After a head-scratching trade that sent third-year guard Marco Belinelli to Toronto for a Spice Girls CD and the Contra cheat code Devean George, the biggest question centers around the Warriors’ direction for the future. Is this a team in the midst of rebuilding or trying to win now?  For all of the talent, Nellie’s style of play makes a deep playoff run highly improbable, while the team can’t fully rebuild with so many long-term contracts still on the books.

The Good: The Warriors are certainly not lacking firepower, and we’re not just talking about what’s in Stephen Jackson’s glove compartment. With the addition of sharp-shooter Stephen Curry and the continued development of Ellis, Randolph, and Andris Biedrins, Golden State will rarely struggle to score over 100 points (while giving up 120), and remains one of the most entertaining teams to watch on the court.

Even after losing Brendan Wright to injury, the Warriors are still arguably the deepest and most versatile team in the league. Nelson’s bread and butter over the years (and the man knows his bread and butter) has been creating match-up difficulties for his opponents, and with a roster full of athletic swingmen, Golden State will continue to surprise teams with different offensive schemes and unconventional lineups.

Fantasy Sleeper Alert: In 16 starts last season, Anthony Morrow averaged 15.6 points (47% FG), 4.1 rebounds, 2.1 threes, and 1.1 steals per game. The world-renowned record-holder for most points in a Summer League game (47) is slated to come off the bench behind Corey Maggette, but should have a bigger role on offense as the Warriors’ best outside shooter after the departure of Belinelli. Plus, Maggette just pulled a hamstring reading this post.

Prediction: 32-50 — 3rd in Pacific Division, 12th in Western Conference

(Warriors rookie Stephen Curry is awoken at five in the morning by his phone..)

Curry: Ughh, hello?

Nelson: Stephen, come here at once! I need you!

Curry: Mmph, Coach? What’s happening?

Nelson: Adventure! (more…)

(Coach Don Nelson is sitting at his desk staring off into space, when Anthony Randolph enters his office..)

Nelson: I’m going to fucking kill you..

Randolph: Um…Coach?

Nelson: Oop, hey there Slim. Sorry, I was just talking to myself. (more…)

Nelson: So Steve, how’s the family?

Steve: (shrugs)

(Anthony Randolph enters Coach Nelson’s office..)

Randolph: Hey Coach, we’re out of toilet pap– Whoa. (more…)

(Anthony Randolph sits down in Coach Nelson’s office..)

Nelson: You hear the Sri Lankan Civil War is over, Slim?

Randolph: Oh wow, that’s great. Were they having a civil war?

Nelson: Ya just gotta feel great for those people. All that terrible fighting, over with.

Randolph: Yeah, that’s really good news.

Nelson: So I need you to help me with my ass.

Randolph: … (more…)

(Anthony Randolph’s phone rings, waking him from a nap..)

Randolph: Hrm, hello?

Nelson: Slim, come quick! My son is dead!

Randolph: Oh my gosh! I’ll be right there! (more…)

Nelson: Easy now, monkey. Eeeasy..

Monkey: Ooh ooh ah!

Nelson: Where’d you even get that thing?

(Anthony Randolph enters Coach Don Nelson’s office..)

Randolph: Hey Coach, I just dropped by to–Whoa. (more…)

(Warriors forward Anthony Randolph enters Coach Don Nelson’s office..)

Randolph: Hey there. Anthony Randolph here. Coach?

Nelson: (face pressed directly against computer screen)  Slim. Sit down. Urgent.

Randolph: What’s up?

Nelson: Swine flu.

Randolph: Oh yeah, I heard about that. They closed Mexico. (more…)