www.lowposts.com

Maybe they meant the next Bird, based on how Larry would play today?

Magic Johnson once said, “There will never, eva be another Larry Bird.” Tell that to the media. Every couple of years, a successful white player enters the NBA and instantly becomes anointed as the second coming of Larry Legend (I’m looking at you, Tyler Hansbrough). Forget about Bird’s underrated court vision, defensive anticipation, leadership, and downright cockiness — the only prerequisite for drawing a comparison to the legend is being tall and Caucasian. While some players, such as Dirk Nowitzki and Chris Mullin, carved out Hall of Fame-worthy careers in Bird’s shadow (even Tom Chambers had five 20-point seasons), most haven’t fared quite so well. Here’s a look at the ten worst players who were once labeled as “The Next Larry Bird.”

1. Adam Morrison: A 6′8″ white guy with floppy hair and a prebubescent mustache is bound to draw comparisons to Bird.  Morrison averaged 11.8 points per game as a rookie on 38% shooting, placing him last among regulars in John Hollinger’s PER rankings. After missing the entire 2007/08 season with a torn ACL, he was traded to the Lakers because he “couldn’t handle the pressure” of being the third pick — completely out of character for a man who once cried on the court. Morrison averaged 1.3 points in six minutes per game for Los Angeles.

2. Andrew Gaze: The greatest Australian baller this side of Luc Longley was cut by the Sonics in favor of the legendary Scott Meents in 1990, and went on to play 26 games in the NBA with the Bullets and Spurs, scoring 46 points — total (1.7 per game). He was given a championship ring by the Spurs despite being left off the playoff roster 1999, putting him somewhere between Jack Haley and Darko Milicic on the all-time undeserved ring recipients list. But according to Donn Nelson, Gaze has “the full international package,” which if nothing else makes him the Aussie Dirk Diggler.

3. Eric Montross: Prior to the 1994 Draft, Boston general manager M.L. Carr said the 7′0″ stiff was “cut from the same cloth” as Larry Legend.  Yes, that Eric Montross, who put up 12 points, seven rebounds, and zero three-point attempts at UNC. Even more remarkable is the fact that Bird himself was working as a Celtics special assistant and gave him a strong evalutation. Montross averaged 4.9 points, 4.6 rebounds, 0.6 blocks over 11 seasons, and Carr’s Celtics won 35, 33, and a franchise-worst 15 games in his three seasons as GM and head coach.

4. Danny Ferry: You know it’s a sad day when Danny Ferry comes in fourth on a “worst” list. After refusing to play for the Clippers, Ferry signed an absurd 10-year, $37 million contract with the Cavs, and averaged seven points and three rebounds per game in 13 seasons. He was tall, painfully slow, and had an ugly lean-in set shot. While Bird wasn’t afraid to fight Julius Erving and Bill Laimbeer, Ferry’s career-defining moment was bitch-slapping Marcus Camby and ducking behind Jeff Van Gundy to avoid a retaliatory roundhouse punch.

5. Austin Croshere: Croshere averaged career highs of 10.3 points and 6.4 rebounds in 1999/00 while playing under Bird in Indiana. He was rewarded with a cap-killing, seven-year, $51 million contract, making him the second highest-paid player on the conference champions. He predictably fell out of the Pacers’ rotation and never came close to living up to his contract. Shockingly, he’s still in the league, putting up 2.9 points and 2.3 rebounds in 14 games with the Bucks and Spurs last season.

6. Wally Szczerbiak: Once described as having a “Larry Bird game” along with “a Tom Cruise smile” (I feel a little dirty just writing that), Szczerbiak made one undeserved All-Star appearance in 2002. He’s since bounced around the league and put up career lows of seven points and 3.1 rebounds per game with Cleveland last season. But at least both Szczerbiak and Bird played for the Celtics and wore double digits on their jerseys, which is more than most of the other guys can say.

7. Troy Murphy: Murphy might’ve ranked higher had it not been for his career season in 2008/09, when he averaged 14.3 points (45% from beyond the arc), 11.2 rebounds (second in the NBA), and 2.4 assists. It’s probably no coincidence that Bird brought him to Indiana, either. While he’ll still never come close to Larry Legend territory, I should admint that I’ve had an inflated perception of Murphy ever since he demolished me in a high school pickup game.

8. Keith Van Horn: The second overall pick in 1997 had his best years with the Nets, even appearing on the cover of NBA Jam ‘99, before playing for four teams in his final four years in the league. Van Horn averaged 16 points per game for his career, and is best remembered for wearing high knee socks. While Bird had a guaranteed contract when he retired and forfeited his last two paychecks, Van Horn came out of “retirement” to accept $4.3 million to stay home. Because that $73 million contract he once signed couldn’t feed his family.

9. Mike Dunleavy Jr. / Mike Miller: After putting up 5.7 points per game as a rookie, Dunleavy shed the bust label by registering a career best 19.1 points in 2007/08. Last I checked, however, he’s still a Dukie. Miller is a solid role player and has established himself as a terrific long-range shooter. Then again, I can say the same things about Pat Garrity or Jason Kapono, who (hopefully) never drew Bird comparisons. Either way, I’m grouping Dunleavy and Miller together because they share their sisters’ hair bands.

10. Christian Laettner: Laettner never emerged into the superstar many expected, putting up 13.3 points per game and 6.9 rebounds per game for six teams. A one-time All-Star reserve in 1997, he was inexplicably selected to the 1992 Dream Team based on his collegiate accomplishments, leading Charles Barkley to note that “the only thing Christian Laettner has in common with Larry Bird is they both pee standing up.” Yep, that’s why we love you, Chuck.

Honorable Mention:

*Joe Alexander: It didn’t take long for Alexander to get compared to both Larry Bird and Jerry West in one ESPN telecast. This is just a classic example of announcer idiocy.

*Eric Piatkowski: I’m not sure if Piatkowski was ever actually referred to as a Bird heir, but it wouldn’t be surprising. I just wanted to show some love for “The Polish Rifle,” who was once fined for wearing his shorts too low. Dude’s as gangsta as Larry.

For a look at the worst trades of the McHale era, check out Part I of this three-part series.

As hard as it is to believe, no Kevin McHale transaction can compare to the Atlanta Hawks signing John Koncak (career averages: 4.5 points, 4.9 rebounds ) to a six-year, $13 million deal in 1989.  Sure, that doesn’t sound like a lot of money today, but at the time, it made him one of the highest paid players in the league.  Only in the NBA could Jon “Contract” be making more than Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, and Larry Bird.  Say what you will about McHale, but he never overpaid a stiff and talentless white center.  Well, unless you count Mark Madsen, but he gets a pass for simply being awesome.  Narrowing down the list to the ten worst contracts of the McHale era (1995 - 2008) proved to be incredibly difficult, and some horrific moves from the likes of Billy King and Isiah Thomas failed to make the cut.  Let’s get to it.

1. Jim McIlvaine (5 years, $33.6 million), Seattle SuperSonics: After backing up Gheorge Muresan for two years in Washington, McIlvaine, fresh of a season in which he averaged 2.3 points, 2.9 rebounds, and 2.1 blocks per game, received a staggering contract offer from the Sonics. He responded with career-highs of 3.8 points and 4.0 rebounds the following season, and then declined statistically for the next four years while battling injuries. More importantly, the signing angered superstar Shawn Kemp, who had asked for an extension after leading Seattle to the NBA Finals.  Can you really blame him when Jim McIlvaine was making more money?  The locker room rift caused Seattle to trade Kemp to Cleveland for Vin “Hiccup” Baker (more on him later), where the former ‘Reign Man’ took his frustration out on defenseless pastries (and all the single ladies). The Sonics were never able to fully recover, and ended up moving to Oklahoma City this season…it’s all McIlvaine’s fault, Seattle fans.

2. Travis Knight (7 years, $22 million), Boston Celtics:  Ah, one of Rick Pitino’s finest moves as the Celtics GM was there when Travis Knight walked through that door. Apparently, 4.8 points, 4.5 rebounds, and being 7′0″ tall, was enough to hand Knight a ridiculous seven-year contract in 1997.  He was traded back to Los Angeles after one mediocre season in Boston, and fittingly spent his final three years in bad contract heaven, New York.  He finished his career with averages of 3.4 points and 3.1 rebounds, though he does hold the NBA playoff record for quickest disqualification…seriously, he does.

3. Bryant Reeves (6 years, $61.8 million), Vancouver Grizzlies: Wait a minute — another goofy white guy getting crazy money for no discernible reason?  I’m sensing a theme here. “Big Country” put up respectable numbers in his first two seasons (a few more blocks would be nice from a seven-footer, but hey), and the Grizz decided he was in line for a huge extension.  Reeves had his best statistical season in 1997, before discovering the local buffet specials.  He reported to training camp 40 pounds (!) overweight prior to the 1998 season, and shockingly developed back problems.  His team-eating contract made him impossible to trade, and devoured much of Vancouver’s limited cap space. He retired during the 2001/02 season after being unable to fit into his warm-ups.

4.  Tariq Abdul-Wahad (6 years, $43 million), Denver Nuggets: The Nuggets rewarded Abdul-Wahad, who played all of 15 games for the team after being acquired from Orlando, with an extension prior the start of the 2000/01 season.  He averaged four points in 29 games the following season, and was then traded to the Mavericks.  So what did Mr. Abdul-Wahad do in Dallas?  He put up 3.2 points in 18 games over two seasons, and hasn’t even put a uniform since 2003.  The Mavs paid him — you might want to sit down for this — $24.75 million for those valuable services through 2007.

5. Allan Houston (6 years, $100 million), New York Knicks: Although Houston’s deal is slightly more justifiable than some of the ones above, any player who gets a rule named after his awful contract belongs high on the list.  And besides, the effect on the already dreadful Knicks’ cap situation can’t be overstated.  In 2001, GM Scott Layden inexplicably handed him a maximum extension through the 2006/07 season, when Houston would be 35.  He’d play one full season and parts of the next two, before retiring due to a chronic knee condition (he’d also fail at two subsequent comebacks).  Houston’s $19-million per year salary was among the highest in the league in 2005/06 — when he didn’t play a single game.  In fact, he “earned” nearly $40 million for barely stepping on the court.  Speaking of which…

6.  Jerome James (5 years, $30 million), New York Knicks: As we’ve seen, NBA GMs have overpaid for size above skill on numerous occasions (several more are listed in the dishonorable mentions below), but few can top the curious case of Jerome James.  After averaging 5 points and 3 rebounds during the regular season, James exploded for 13 points and 7 rebounds in 11 games in the playoffs.  Every blogger in the world joked that Isiah Thomas would be dumb enough to sign him…and, of course, he did.  James put up 3 points and 2 rebounds in 44 games the following year, and has actually regressed since then.  He played a total of 5 minutes in two games during the 2007-08 season, making his only field goal attempt and two free throws, which gave him the best field goal and free throw percentage the entire league. So, there’s that.

7.  Juwan Howard (7 years, $105 million), Washington Bullets: Howard earned his first All-Star berth in 1996, and signed a $101-million contract with the Miami Heat.  Unfortunately (for Washington), that deal violated salary cap rules and was disallowed by the NBA.  So, the Bullets — bidding against no one — decided to make Howard, the first $100-million-man in NBA history.  He averaged a semi-respectable 18 points and 8 rebounds in five seasons in DC, but was booed mercilessly for never living up to expectations of being one of the league’s highest-paid players, and tied up much of the team’s cap space.  In one of Michael Jordan’s best moves as GM (no sarcasm!), he was traded to Dallas for Christian Laettner and the poo poo platter with three years left on his deal.  Howard would finish out the last two seasons in Denver, before bouncing around more area codes than Ludacris.

8.  Howard Eisley (7 years, $41 million), Utah Jazz: I’m not sure how being a mediocre, 28-year-old backup point guard equates to $41 million of guaranteed money, but I guess that’s why I’m not an NBA GM.  Eisley was signed by Utah and traded to the Mavericks prior to the 2000 season. After one season in Dallas, he was dealt to the one team that would agree to take back his cap-killing contract.  Any guesses?  Yep, New York, where Eisley averaged 7 points and 4 assists for the duration of his deal. At least they didn’t sign a one-dimensional shooting guard to a nine-figure extension around the same time — oh, right.

9.  Vin Baker (6 years, $86.7 million), Seattle SuperSonics: Baker put in a career season with Milwaukee in 1997, and was acquired by Seattle in a sign-and-trade for Kemp. He played well in his first year as a Sonic (19 points, 8 rebounds), before packing on the pounds — reportedly ballooning up to 300 lbs — and getting his Goose on during the NBA lockout.  Baker’s alcoholism ruined his career and turned him into the league’s biggest disappointment and running joke. He was traded to the Boston Celtics (for Kenny Anderson and Vitaly Potapenko), and entered into the alcohol treatment program. Boston ended up terminating his contract after Coach Jim O’Brien smelled alcohol on his breath during practice.  I’m taking it easy on the drunk jokes here, because I really do feel kinda bad for the guy…especially now that his house and restaurant have been foreclosed.

10.  Raef LaFrentz (7 years, $70 million), Dallas Mavericks: LaFrentz averaged 13 points and 7 rebounds over his first four seasons with Denver.  And then Mark Cuban gave him an enormous extension after acquiring him midway through the 2001/02 season in the same trade as Abdul-Wahad (good one, Cubes!).  LaFrentz didn’t fit in well with Don Nelson’s system, and his statistics declined across the board the following year.  He’s become more known for his salary than on-the-court contributions, getting shipped to Boston and then Portland strictly as cap filler.  LaFrentz has appeared in 65 games over the last three seasons combined (zero games in 2008/09), and is currently in the final year of that same contract — he’s entitled to $12.7 million for warming the Blazers bench.  What a life.

Dishonorable Mention (by total contract value):  How sad is it that none of these contracts — especially Cardinal and Foyle — can crack the top-10 worst of the last 13 years?

The NBA: Where Amazingly Bad Contracts Happen!

*Rashard Lewis (6 years, $110 million), Magic
*Grant Hill (7 years, $93 million), Magic
*Kenyon Martin (7 years, $91 million), Nuggets
*Penny Hardaway (7 years, $84 million), Suns
*Brian Grant (7 years, $84 million), Heat
*Erick Dampier (7 years, $73 million), Mavs
*Tim Thomas (6 years, $67 million), Bucks
*Austin Croshere (7 years, $51 million), Pacers
*Adonal Foyle (6 years, $42 million), Warriors
*Brian Cardinal (6 years, $37 million), Grizzlies
*Todd MacCulloch (6 year, $34 million), Nets
*Calvin Booth (6 years, $34 million), Sonics
*Vitaly Potapenko (6 year, $33 million), Celtics

(Coach Skiles enters the visitors’ locker room as the Bucks are pumping their fists in the air and chanting.)

Bucks: “Two and O! Two and O! Two and O!”

Skiles: “Alright fellas, great game out there tonight! That’s two wins in a row, and we’re gonna go for three on Wednesday in Philadelphia!”

Bucks: “Three and O! Three and O! Three-”

Skiles: “No no, we haven’t played the game yet.”

Bucks: (quieter) “Two and O! Two and O!”

Skiles: (holding a basketball) “I want to give this game ball to the man who just could not miss tonight! Michael, get up here!”

(Michael Redd smiles and approaches the head coach but Andrew Bogut jumps in front of him, snatches the ball and holds it over his head, grinning.)

Bogut: “Bogut!” (more…)