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Steal, steal, steal, all day long. Steal, steal, steal, as I sing this song...

Almost exactly one year ago, the Sacramento Kings re-signed Beno Udrih to a five-year, $32-million contract. He promptly guided the team to the worst record in franchise history, cementing his place amongst the worst signings in franchise history. After a pain-staking amount of research, Eze of ARoyalPain.com and I have discovered than Beno not only ruined the Kings cap situation for the foreseeable future, but is also responsible for some of the world’s worst evils.   We’ve collaborated to present 19 little known but indisputable facts about the Kings’ grossly overpaid backup point guard.

1. A monkey wasn’t responsible for the virus in Outbreak. It was Beno Udrih.

2. That wasn’t an Earthquake that rumbled San Francisco in 1989 — it was God crying when he saw Beno Udrih pick up a basketball for the first time.

3. The police should stop looking for the killers of 2Pac, Notorious B.I.G., and Big L. Beno Udrih is responsible for all three murders.

4. Lorena Bobbit had just finished watching Beno Udrih commit 19 turnovers the night she sliced off her husband’s willy.

5. Bloody Mary doesn’t appear in a mirror if her name is called three times. Beno Udrih comes in her place.

6. Bernie Madoff considers Beno Udrih his hero for the fraud job he pulled on the Sacramento Kings.

7. Alanis Morissette wrote “You Oughta Know” about, you guessed it, Beno Udrih.

8. Captain Sully of of US Airways Flight 1549 that landed in the Hudson River said it was not birds that hit the engine, but rather a errant pass from Beno Udrih.

9. There’s a little-known cheat code in “Grand Theft Auto” (B-E-N-O) which gives a player $32 million for doing absolutely nothing.

10. Len Bias’ heart attack wasn’t caused by a cocaine overdose. He had a vision that Beno Udrih would make $7 million per season.

(more…)

While he was never considered to be an NBA star, Robert “Big Shot Rob” Horry was in the right place at the right time and won seven championships with three different teams.  At the same time, first-ballot Hall of Famers like Charles Barkley, Karl Malone, and John Stockton spent their entire careers trying to win that elusive title while watching seldom-used journeymen get rewarded with rings for riding the bench. Let’s take a look at some of the worst players to win multiple championships in recent history.

1. Will Perdue:  What sets Perdue apart from the Bulls’ other stiffs during the ’90’s (and there were many) aren’t just his mediocre numbers in the playoffs (3.4 points and 3.5 rebounds per game).  It’s the fact that he won three rings with Chicago and then another one in San Antonio in 1999, all while playing less than 10 minutes per game.  Will Perdue has won as many championships as Shaq and Duncan.  Oh, and the Bulls traded him to the Spurs for Dennis Rodman in one of the strangest deals ever, and won three more titles without his valuable services.

2. Mark Madsen: “The Mad Dog,” who holds career averages of 2.2 points and 2.6 rebounds, has a chance to claim the top spot if he wins another ring or two. As it stands, he’ll have to settle for second by virtue of his two titles with the Lakers. Here is Madsen’s per game statistics during the 2001 and 2002 postseasons: 2.9 minutes in 20 games, 0.25 points (1-14 FG), and 0.6 rebounds. And let’s not forget his fancy footwork during the championship parade that set white people back at least 20 years.

3. John Salley:  Although Salley was a key contributor on the ‘89 and ‘90 champion Pistons, he did nothing to earn two more rings.  He averaged 2.1 points in 17 regular season games with the Bulls in 1996, and scored 14 total points in 16 playoff games. After being out of the league for the next four years, Salley came back to play for the Lakers in 1999/00, putting up 1.6 points and 1.4 rebounds in 45 games. He then proudly proclaimed that he’d won “four championship rings, with three different teams, in three different decades and two different millenniums.” Yeah, I’m sure Isiah, Michael, and Shaq had nothing to do with that.

4.  Dickey Simpkins: Simpkins won three rings despite being unable to beat out the Bulls’ three-headed monster at center (Luc Longley, Perdue, and Bill Wennington) for playing time in Chicago. He wasn’t even on the team’s active roster for the 1996 or 1997 titles, and averaged 1.2 points and 1.0 rebounds during the 1998 playoff run.  And plus, what kind of man prefers to be called “Dickey” while his real name is something as awesome as LuBara Dixon?

5. Earl Cureton: Cureton’s first championship came with the 1983 Philadelphia 76ers (he averaged 0.4 points and 1.0 rebounds), but his second title came a whopping 11 years later. “The Twirl” holds career averages of 5.4 points and 4.7 rebounds in 12 seasons, although he wasn’t even in the league between 1991 and 1994. He scored four total points in two games for the Rockets in 1993/94, and then stepped up to average 1.8 points and 2.9 rebounds during the playoffs.  To be honest, I thought I was writing about Bill Curley before seeing his picture.

Quick Hits:

*Greg Kite: Shockingly, another slow, seven-foot white guy didn’t quite pan out in the NBA . Kite averaged 2.5 points and 3.8 rebounds for his career (down to 0.9 points and 1.6 rebounds in the playoffs), and was the water boy on the Celtics’ ‘84 and ‘86 championship teams.

*Stanislav Medvedenko: Slava earned two rings despite not playing a single minute in the 2000 playoffs, and then averaging 0.9 points and 0.6 rebounds in seven games in 2001. Although it should be noted that in his prime, he was the master of the postgame interview.

*Cliff Levingston: Jason Caffey, Jud Buechler, and Stacey King, to name a few, were decent role players in Chicago, but I have no recollection of Cliff Levingston, who won two rings with the Bulls for his 2.8 points and 2.2 rebounds averages in the postseason.

*Lindsey Hunter: Raise your hand if you knew he was still in the league before the playoffs started. Hunter’s had a decent NBA career, but he put up a shade over two points per game with the 2002 Lakers and 2004 Pistons.

*Beno Udrih:  Udirh holds career playoff averages of 2.9 points and 0.9 assists, and couldn’t surpass the immortal Jacque Vaughn in the Spurs’ playoff rotation in 2007, putting up 0.3 points and 0.1 assists in eight games. He’s also well on his way to becoming my least favorite King of all-time.  This can’t be stressed enough.

Quick, who’s the biggest draft bust in NBA history? LaRue Martin, Chris Washburn, and Dennis Hopson might merit some consideration, but I’m guessing you thought of Sam Bowie. Selected second overall by the Portland Trail Blazers in 1984 — ahead of Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and John Stockton –he had a mediocre and injury-plagued career that serves as a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of drafting for need over potential. While many consider him to be the biggest bust in NBA history, Bowie actually had a serviceable career, especially in his later years with the Nets. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for many of the other players on this list. Here are the biggest draft blunders of the Kevin McHale era.

1. Michael Olowokandi (No. 1 by the Los Angeles Clippers, 1998): Do you think Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis, or Mike Bibby might’ve been the better pick? How about Al Harrington, Jason Williams, or even Nazr Mohammed? You get the point. Olowokandi averaged 8 points and 7 rebounds over his nine-year career, and shot a putrid 43% from the field and under 60% from the foul line. The Clippers traded him to Minnesota after five seasons, and he’d finish his NBA career as a lowly reserve in Boston, playing behind the likes of Brian Scalabrine and Kevinn “Not A Typo” Pinkney. At least those guys picked after him didn’t amount to anything worthwhile.

2. Kwame Brown (No. 1 by the Washington Wizards, 2001): Already a member of the worst trades club, Kwame barely escapes top bust honors. After being selected first overall by then-GM Michael Jordan, Brown had a hard time handling pressure from the media, and especially from Jordan himself. He holds career averages of 7 points and 6 rebounds per game, including one double-figure scoring season in 2003. Although he’s still just 26 years years old, no one is foolish enough to trade Caron Butler or Pau Gasol for him again (okay, who am I kidding — this is still the NBA). Oh, and in addition to the birthday cake incident I mentioned before, Kwame once skipped a playoff practice because his tummy hurt — only to be spotted at a local Chinese restaurant the same night.

3.  Darko Milicic (No 2. by the Detroit Pistons, 2003):  As much as he wants to deny it, Joe Dumars regrets this pick every day.  Sure, the Pistons won a title that season, but would they have been worse off with Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, or Zarko Cabarkapa coming off the bench?  Darko appeared in just 96 games with the Pistons, averaging less than 2 points and barely a rebound, before being traded to Orlando for a mid-range first round pick.  It’s only a matter of time before Hamed Haddadi becomes his, um, daddy in Memphis. Shouldn’t he at least be dating a hot European model or something?

4. Nikoloz Tskitishvili (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 2002): This pick actually makes the Milicic selection look even worse, since it’s hard to imagine a GM gambling on a European big man after watching Tskitishvili. Taken ahead of Amare Stoudemire, Caron Butler, and Carlos Boozer, he played only four seasons in the NBA, averaging less than 3 points and 2 rebounds per game. But at least it’s fun to say Skita, Skita, Skita! No, wait, that’s not that fun either…never mind.  DaJuan Wagner (No. 6 by the Cleveland Cavaliers) also deserves to be mentioned here, but at least he had a decent rookie season (13 ppg)…and um, he no longer has a colon.

5. Rafael Araujo (No. 8 by the Toronto Raptors, 2004): Saying the Raptors blew this pick is an understatement. Here are just a few players taken after “Hoffa:” Andre Iguodala, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, Andris Biedrins, Kevin Martin, Beno Udrih, and Anderson Varejao. I love how his Wikipedia entry says that he “left the NBA” to play in Russia. Right…he left the NBA of his own volition; it had nothing to do with the 2.8 points and 2.8 rebounds he averaged over three seasons.  Araujo attended Minnesota’s training camp this summer, but couldn’t beat out Jason Collins or Calvin Booth for a roster spot on one of the worst teams in the league.

6.  Rodney White (No. 9 by the Detroit Pistons, 2001): Take a look at the 2001 NBA Draft, and scan the players taken after White. I’ll give you a minute. Let’s see, there’s Joe Johnson, Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Troy Murphy, Samuel Dalembert, Kedrick Brown…okay, maybe not Kedrick.  White played one season with the Pistons, before being traded to the Nuggets for Menk Bateer, Don Reid and a future first round pick. Yep, I think that just about says it all. He’s been out of the league since 2005, finishing his 218-game career with career averages of 7 points and 2 rebounds.

7. Jonathan Bender (No. 5 by the Toronto Raptors [traded to Indiana Pacers], 1999): Bender gets a slight pass here because it’s hard to be mad at the guy now. After retiring at the age of 25 due to a debilitating knee condition, he established the Jonathan Bender Foundation, a nonprofit initiative that builds and restores homes in poor New Orleans neighborhoods and offers free classes and basketball clinics.  Nonetheless, Bender averaged just 6 points and 2 rebounds over his nondescript career, appearing in 31 games over his final three seasons.  He was selected ahead of Shawn Marion, Corey Maggette, Wally Szcerbiak, Andre Miller, and Richard Hamilton, and even the man he was traded for, Antonio Davis, somehow became an All-Star.

8. Ed O’Bannon, Nets (No. 9 by the New Jersey Nets, 1995): Ed lasted only two seasons in the NBA after a spectacular career at UCLA, averaging a quiet 5 points for the Nets and Mavericks.  His only saving grace is that, aside from Michael Finley, only a few prominent players were selected after him (Kurt Thomas, Corliss Williamson, Brent Barry).  Oh, and he’s now a car salesman in Nevada — and proud of it!.  I also could’ve gone with Shawn Respert (No. 8 by the Milwaukee Bucks) in this spot, but he later revealed that he battled — and courageously beat — cancer during his disappointing four-year pro career.

9. Marcus Fizer (No. 4 by the Chicago Bulls, 2000):  Let’s make one thing clear:  2000 was a historically bad draft class.  Of the lottery picks, only Kenyon Martin, Mike Miller, and Jamal Crawford have had solid NBA careers.   But Stromile Swift, DeMarr Johnson, Chris Mihm, and Jerome Moiso?  Any of these guys can claim a spot on this list, so, why did I choose Marcus Fizer?  Because he’s the only one who’s been an NBA Development League MVP. Ha, take that, critics!  Oh, and in addition to Miller and Crawford, Michael Redd (taken at #43!), Hedo Turkoglu, and Joel Pryzbilla were also drafted after him.

10.  Shelden Williams (No. 5 by the Atlanta Hawks, 2005):  I don’t want to diss Mr. Candace Parker yet again, so I’ll keep this brief.  Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, and Rudy Gay were taken after him in succession.  His numbers have decreased in each of his first three seasons, and he can’t get off the Kings’ bench during a rebuilding year.  Oh, and he’s ugly as all hell (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

Dishonorable Mention:

Fran Vasquez (No. 11 by the Orlando Magic, 2005)
Trajan Langdon (No. 11 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 1999)
Todd Fuller (No. 11 by the Golden State Warriors, 1996)
Luke Jackson (No. 10 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 2004)
Tony Battie (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 1997)
Frederic Weis (No. 15 by the New York Knicks, 1999)
Saer Sene (No. 10 by the Seattle SuperSonics, 2006)

"I was born to be an American TV star!"

Can it be true?  The Maloofs are considering making a Sacramento Kings televised reality series with Mark Burnett, the creator of hit shows such as “The Survivor” and “The Apprentice.” I haven’t been this excited since Woody Allen became my hero — er, I mean Mitch Richmond won All-Star Game MVP.  Why, you ask?  Well, let’s see…

*Listing Shelden Williams’ name in the final credits will secure the team’s first W in the closing seconds.

*Kings fans can always blame Vlade Divac if the show flops.

*We can finally see footage of those priceless locker room conversations between a blazed Brad Miller and Kings rookie Bobby Brown:

“Dude! Did you, like, bring Whitney with you?”
“Nah, Brad. It’s not funny anymore. For the last time, I’m not that Bobby Brown!”
“Pssshht — stop playing, son!  [Starts singing off-key] AND IIIIIIIII EEEEE IIIIIIIIII EEEEE IIIIII will always love YOOOUUUUUUUU…”

Brown rolls his eyes and walks away in disgust. [End scene]

*Cameos from those naughty Kings cheerleaders (here’s the NSFW version)…

*It’s the Tribal Council’s best chance to vote Kenny Thomas’ cap-killing contract off the island…

*They already have a catchy theme song:

*The Maloofs’ company also produces the E! reality show “Living Lohan” — just three more years, and Ali can be all yours, Beno!

*Rumor has it that Spencer Hawes‘ Michael Phelps imitation is uncanny…

*I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but I only wish the Kings still had Ron Artest…happy four-year anniversary!