www.lowposts.com

Artest: Man, you cheatin‘! (more…)

There’s a thin line between being a tough, aggressive defender and playing dirty. Oftentimes, an accused player’s teammates and fans will defend his actions, while opposing coaches decry them as inexcusable and thuggish. Although today’s NBA is considerably less dirty as a result of crackdowns on overly physical play (and shady referees), there are still a quite a few players who love to sneak in a timely push or jab to the stomach. Here are some of the worst offenders in recent NBA history.

1. Bruce Bowen: Spurs fans will insist that Bowen is only playing rough, hard-nosed defense and isn’t intentionally trying to injure other players.  Why don’t we just let the video evidence of Mr. Bowen’s ‘tricks’ speak for itself. Stick your foot underneath a descending jump shooter? Check. Knee a player in the groin? Check. Kick the defender in the face?  Check and check. But of course, much like his other Spurs teammates, Bowen insists he’s never committed a foul in his life.

2. Karl Malone: The All-Defensive Team selections aren’t fooling anyone — Malone was a legendary cheap short artist. In fact, his elbow has as many career highlights as the Mailman himself, including ending a player’s college career by destroying his face, causing Isiah Thomas to get 40 stitches on his forehead, knocking David Robinson unconscious for two minutes, breaking Joe Kleine’s nose, and being Steve Nash’s dentist.  And then there are those “accidental” kicks to the man region…

3. Bill Laimbeer: The “Bad Boy” Pistons of the late ’80’s were collectively known for their aggressive style of defense, and Laimbeer was the enforcer, angering his opponents with constants pokes, slaps, and shoves in the back. After a vicious take down of Larry Bird in the playoffs, Robert Parish retaliated by punching Laimbeer in the face…and wasn’t even ejected! In an unforeseen turn of events, Laimbeer’s Detroit Shock team instigated the first brawl in WNBA histroy last season.

4. John Stockton: Malone’s partner in crime, the NBA’s all-time leader in assists and steals also set the most illegal screens in NBA history, routintely getting away with all kinds of low blows when the referees weren’t looking. Stockton was known for excessive holding, delivering hard elbows to the ribs, and pulling a defender down after a shot. Thankfully, his patented short shorts left no room for Stockton to hide a shiv.

5. Dennis Rodman: Remembered more for his craziest antics, Rodman had more subtle tactics to get into players’ heads. He’d pull on shorts, sneak in grabs and pushes, and extend his foot to trip a player running down the court. Rodman was once named the NBA’s dirtiest player in a poll of NBA players, coaches and execs, leading the commissioner to order The Worm to change his physical playing style. Too bad Stern never asked him to stop shopping at Victoria’s Secret.

6. Kobe Bryant: While Laker fans continue to insist it’s the defenders who keep attacking Kobe’s elbow with their faces, the whack to Ron Artest’s throat in the playoffs was hardly new territory. Over the last few years, Kobe’s been suspended for similarly elbowing Mike Miller and striking Manu Ginobili and Marco Jaric on his “extended follow through,” and earned a flagrant one for hitting Kyle Korver in the jaw. Apparently, the Black Mamba has a preference for white meat.

7. Rick Mahorn: When Mahorn and teammate Jeff Ruland, collectively known as McFilthy and McNasty, were on the Washington Bullets, players driving down the lane would finish layups on their backs. Mahorn later perfected a dirty defensive maneuver where he’d wait for a player to post him up, and then step away while tugging on the player’s jersey to make him fall down on the court. And of course, he showed Lisa Leslie how to fight Detroit-style last summer.

8. Charles Oakley: Michael Jordan’s personal bodyguard in Chicago, the Oak-man later enforced the Knicks’ “no easy layups” mentality with means picks, sharp elbows, and occasional punches. A rough physical presence, he always fouled hard, and wasn’t afraid to slap the likes of Jeff McInnis, Tyrone Hill, and even Shaquille O’Neal. Oakley was so ruthless that he’ll undoubtedly throw those ‘bows at the retirement home.

9. Reggie Evans: For all we know, it was an isolated incident (unless you count spanking Kyle Korver on the butt), but if there’s one rule on the basketball court, it’s never grab another guy’s testicles. Unfortunately, Evans did just that to gain a positional advantage during the 2006 playoffs, violating an unsuspecting Chris Kaman by putting his hand up his shorts and “pulling hard.” We still haven’t received word on whether it was the beans or the frank.

10. Robert Horry: Intentional or not, the biggest shot of Horry’s storied career came in the closing moments of Game 4 of the 2007 Western Conference Finals, when Horry mistook Steve Nash for Martin St. Louis and body-checked him into the scorers’ table, leading to suspensions for two Suns starters. The sequel came in 2008, when “Cheap Shot Bob” forced David West out of the game by blindsiding him in the back on a moving pick.

Quick (But Painful) Hits:

*Dikembe Mutombo: More clumsy than dirty, Deke’s teammates made him wear elbow pads in practice for their own protection.

*Isiah Thomas: Zeke didn’t just do the Knicks dirty — he subtly stepped on players’ feet when they dribbled the ball.

*Kenyon Martin: Notorious for vicious flagrants earlier in his career, K-Mart also has quite the dirty mouth!

*Charles Barkley: Never known for being much of a defender, Barkely used his elbows to his advantage on the court, and especially at the buffet line.

*Xavier McDaniel: Players knew not to mess with the X-Man — Al Bundy found out the hard way.

*Danny Fortson: the poor man’s Bill Laimbeer (not a compliment), Fortson did little on the court besides push, shove, and elbow — while sporting some mean pigtails.

*James Posey: Not afraid to deliver a blindsider and shoulder-block players when they’re least suspecting it.

*Raja Bell: Here at lowposts, we’ve got nothing but love for you, Raja.

*Peja Stojakovic: Whoops, we’re not talking about that kind of dirty…

Bird and Laimbeer share a laugh.

Back in the ’70s, NBA fights were routine, and players were rarely fined, much less suspended for their actions.  That all changed when Kermit Washington delivered “The Punch” to Rudy Tomjanovich’s skull, earning him a 60-day league-mandated suspension.  In the 80’s, Bill Laimbeer of the Detroit Pistons’ Baby Boys was known more his fighing than his rebounding (and he got his butt kicked on more than one occasion).  And of course, we all know about the “The Malice at the Palace,” which was the most serious and damaging brawl in NBA history.  But what about the most memorable minor scuffles and slap-fests of the last 20 years?  Let’s take a look.

1.  Alonzo Mourning vs. Larry Johnson (with Jeff Van Gundy) - 4/30/98:

In the final seconds of Game 4 of the 1st Round playoffs (2:35 mark in the video), Larry Johnson shoved his former Hornets teammate, and Zo retaliated by attempting to throw a punch. The two swung and missed more times than Ryan Howard, but neither was able to connect. The best part is that Knicks coach Jeff Van Gundy dived to the ground and grabbed Mourning’s leg while being dragged along the court. This will never be topped. The fight came on the heels of a 1997 brawl, when P.J. Brown flipped Charlie Ward over his head and body-slammed him, resulting in a bench-clearing melee and multiple suspensions for both teams.

2. Chris Mills vs. Bonzi Wells - 12/20/02:

Oh, if only we had video. Mills and Wells were ejected after getting into a shoving match on the court as the game ended, but it didn’t stop there. After Mills couldn’t break into the Blazers’ locker room to confront his enemy, he and and his cousin parked their car in front of Portland’s team bus as it was pulling away from the stadium. He challenged Wells to come out, and then followed the bus all the way out to the airport before driving away. Mills has denied that he was carrying a gun, but would that really surprise anyone? He was suspended three games and Wells was suspended for two.

3. Shaquille O’Neal vs. Brad Miller (with Charles Oakley) - 1/12/02:

Shaq didn’t appreciate a few hard fouls by the Bulls, and took his frustrations out on an unsuspecting Brad Miller. After a flagrant foul courtesy of Charles Oakley, the Diesel reacted by throwing a haymaker at the back of Miller’s head. Luckily, he didn’t connect, or the the Kings wouldn’t have their starting center today. A brawl spilled into the stands, resulting in multiple suspensions; Shaq was suspended for three games, Oak and Miller received one game each.

4. Carmelo Anthony vs. Nate Robinson/Mardy Collins - 12/16/06:

Isiah warned you not to go into the lane! Marty Collins fouled J.R. Smith towards the end of the game, and the two exchanged shoves and had to be separated. And then for some reason, Nate Robinson came into the picture and tackled Smith into the stands. Just when it looked to be over, Melo decided to throw a sucker-punch at Collins, and then back-pedaled away from an irate Robinson. Don’t worry Melo, we all see the Bitch in Yoo for that one. The suspensions were lengthy (games): Anthony (15), Robinson (10), Collins (6), Jared Jeffries (4), plus one game for Jerome James and Nene for leaving the bench area.

5.  Kevin Johnson vs. Doc Rivers (with Greg Anthony) - 3/24/93:

Kevin Johnson body-blocked Doc Rivers to the floor with a stiff forearm, and Rivers charged after him. That precipitated a bench-clearing brawl, that escalated to new heights when Greg Anthony, wearing street clothes, ran in to throw a cheap shot at Johnson just when the fight was being diffused. Anthony was suspended for five games; Johnson and Rivers for two games apiece. Remember that this was 1993 — just imagine what kind of penalties they’d receive today…

6. Kenyon Martin vs. Corey Maggette - 1/6/04:

After Martin committed a hard foul on Maggette, Corey sprung back up and shoved K-Mart to the floor. So, what does Martin do to retaliate? He doesn’t run away like some punk (*cough* Melo *cough*), but jumps back up and gives Maggette a deadly right and left combination before being restrained by his teammates. Maggette, meanwhile, gets held back by Richard Jefferson and takes his beating. Both players were suspended for two games.

7. Kobe Bryant vs. Chris Childs - 4/3/00:

I could’ve put Kobe vs. Ray Allen or Reggie Miller instead but they’re really all the same. Some shoving from both sides and much more talk than action. This one is probably my favorite, just because Childs retaliated to Kobe’s weak elbow with some kind of forearm/punch to the throat (see here) that Kobe seemed to just take. A few more punches were thrown, but of course none of them landed. It’s just a typical NBA scuffle, highlighted only by the star name involved.

8. Marcus Camby vs. Danny Ferry (with Jeff Van Gundy) - 1/15/01:

After getting poked in the eye by Danny Ferry, Marcus Camby took a running start and and threw a windmill punch, despite being held back by several teammates. He ended up missing, because his coach, Jeff Van Gundy (who else), jumped between the two players to break it up. The man is like a bodyguard taking a bullet for the president. Camby was suspended for five games, Ferry for one (not really sure why), and Van Gundy ended up receiving 15…stitches.

9. Karl Malone vs. Dennis Rodman (with Hulk Hogan) - 7/12/98:

Rodman and Malone had so many memorable battles in the Bulls/Jazz Finals on 1997 and 1998, that they decided to settle it once and for all in the wrestling ring. Despite being staged and fake, it remains one of the better fights among NBA players. Here’s a clip from Bash at the Beach 1998 — um, enjoy?

10. Shareef Abdur-Rahim vs. Kenny Thomas - 1/19/02:

Punches slaps were thrown, and both players were ejected and received one-game suspensions. Only mentioned because they’d go on to be teammates in Sacramento and would fight for the starting forward job. Just imagine the locker room tension.

Honorable Mention:

*Latrell Sprewell vs. P.J. Carlesimo - 12/4/97: Spree chocked his coach and earned a 68-game suspension. It didn’t happen on the court, and it’s too bad that we’ll never know how it really went down. Also see: Sprewell vs. yacht wall.

*Matt Bonner vs. Kevin Garnett - 12/15/04:  Yeah, that doesn’t seem like a fair fight. But who knew the Red Rocket had it in him?

*Candace Parker vs. Plenette Pierson (WNBA) - 7/23/08:  I’d rather not talk about this…

This is Part 1 of Act Like You Know .  Part 2 can be found here.

I watched Love And Basketball for the fourth time the other day, and one thing continues to bother me — the casting of Omar Epps in the lead role.  I have nothing against Epps as an actor, but I don’t buy him as a professional basketball player.  There’s just something off about him every time he steps out on the court, especially with the Lakers.  It’s even worse now that I associate him with Dr. Foreman on House.  So, I started thinking — would the movie be any better if the part of Quincy McCall went to say, Will Smith…or how about Ray Allen?  Actually, can any NBA players be good (or even passable) as movie actors?  We know that Paul Pierce, for one,  deserves an Oscar for his stunning performance in Game 1 of the NBA Finals.

Now, of course, it’s not a big stretch for a basketball player to play himself or another athlete in a movie…or so we’d hope.  Part I of this two-part set will focus on movies that feature NBA players “acting” as basketball players, while Part II will look at those who’ve branched out into bigger roles, including Allen in He Got Game.

1. Eddie (1996): John Salley, Rick Fox, Malik Sealy (RIP), Mark Jackson, Dwayne Schintzius, Greg Ostertag, Gary Payton, plus assorted NBA players (49 total) as themselves.

I’m sure every NBA fan has seen this one — Whoopi Goldberg goes from an obnoxious Knicks fan to the team’s coach, and puts the Isiah Thomas era to shame in the process. The best of the NBA players are Ostertag, who plays a dimwitted yokel of a player (yeah, this was a big reach for him); Sealy, who channels his inner Rickey Henderson and refers to himself in the third person; and Schintzius, who plays (?) a moron that speaks only three words of English. The rest of the bunch do just fine in minor roles — Olden Polynice, for instance, shows off his scientific knowledge of a black hole…nah, too easy.

2. Space Jam (1996): Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, Shawn Bradley, Larry Bird, Vlade Divac, Cedric Ceballos, A.C. Green, Derek Harper, Alonzo Mourning, Charles Oakley — all as themselves.

If you’re like me and saw this movie when you were younger, you probably liked it enough to not question the acting abilities of the stars.  Jordan isn’t really asked to do anything out of the ordinary here — he plays basketball and exhibits good sportsmanship, even if he’s sometimes as stiff as the hardwood. After aliens take away the NBA players’ skills, we get to see them do their best Brian Scalabrene impressions. Of course, the cheap laughs again come at the expense of the tall white guy: Shawn Bradley becomes awkward and uncoordinated on the court…in other words, the directors just told him to act natural.

3. Blue Chips (1994): Shaquille O’Neal, Anfernee Hardaway, Larry Bird, Bob Cousy, and several players as themselves, including Allan Houston, Rodney Rogers, Calbert Cheaney, Bobby Hurley, Marques Johnson, Rick Fox, George Lynch, and Chris Mills.

The movie gives a realistic (but fictional) account of behind-the-scenes cheating and corruption in college athletics.  Aside from dunking in the basketball scenes, Shaq gives his usual cringe-worthy performance (much more on this in Part II) in his acting debut.  Penny is surprisingly likable in his recruitment scenes with Nick Nolte; more impressively, he didn’t even injure himself on the set. Fortunately for us, the other players (notably Hurley and Cheaney) are not asked to do much off the court and safely fade into the background.  Cousy and Bird are, well, there.

4. Forget Paris (1995): Charles Barkley, David Robinson, Dan Majerle, Kevin Johnson, Sean Elliott, Patrick Ewing, Tim Hardaway, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bill Laimbeer, Reggie Miller, Chris Mullin, Charles Oakley, Kurt Rambis, John Starks, Isiah Thomas, Spud Webb, Marques Johnson, Reggie Theus — all as themselves.

I’m almost ashamed to admit that I sort of like this movie, even though it’s a romantic comedy.  Billy Crystal plays an NBA referee, and all of the player cameos take place on the court.  As expected, these are mostly in-game action sequences, and require the players to argue with the refs (once again, this hopefully shouldn’t be too hard).  Kareem, Barkley, and Spud Webb, in particular, are very believable in their brief interactions with Crystal, while most of the other players don’t have noteworthy speaking parts.

5. The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh (1979): Julius “Dr. J” Erving, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Meadowlark Lemon (Harlem Globetrotter), and several NBA/ABA players, including Connie Hawkins, Spencer Haywood, Bob Lanier, Cedric Maxwell, and Norm Nixon.

I’m willing to best that most people under 30 aren’t familiar with this one.  Dr. J plays the superstar on a terrible basketball team.  After most of the players quit, in comes an absolutely ridiculous premise; let’s just say it has to do with astrology.  The acting is minimal and beyond wooden (not just the players, either), while attempts at humor predictably fall short.  Even still, I’d recommend watching it, if only for the unintentionally hilarious disco soundtrack.

Honorable Mention:

*Heaven Is A Playground (1991):  Bo Kimble, Hakeem Olajuwon, Kendall Gill

A coach tries to keep his urban high school basketball team out of trouble — as expected, it’s to no avail. Former Clipper Bo Kimble plays a good player who later becomes a bitter loner after a serious knee injury, while Olajuwon and Gill have minor roles as his teammates. Apparently, Michael Jordan was originally supposed to be cast in the movie instead of Kimble, and was sued for by the filmmakers for breach-of-contract.

*Like Mike (2002): Michael Finley, Steve Francis, Allen Iverson, Jason Kidd, Tracy McGrady, Alonzo Mourning, Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, Gary Payton, Jason Richardson, David Robinson, Rasheed Wallace, Gerald Wallace, Chris Webber — all as themselves.

I’m not gonna lie to you — I never saw this movie, but I remember watching an ‘extended preview’ in the theater, which basically showed the whole movie in five minutes. Looking at the stills (Robinson, Kidd) is making me a little nauseous, so let’s move on.  Oh, and FYI, “Like Mike 2” (I had no idea either) doesn’t have any player appearances, unless you count Mark Cuban.

*White Men Can’t Jump (1992):  You may have noticed that Marques Johnson — who had a very solid NBA career during the ’80’s — appeared in two other movies on the list.  As the only professional player in this one, he doesn’t play a big enough role to make the cut.  Side note: I watched this movie when I was 12 or 13 years old, and I remember my dad walking in during one of the sex scenes….um, very bad times.