Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.
Y’all Don’t Know is an ongoing exploration into all that is sinister, weird, creepy-crawly and loosey-goosey around us.
Did you know that there are mysterious, unexplainable energies whirling all around us as we speak? NO! ‘Cause Y’all Don’t Know!
Today on Y’all Don’t Know, we’re gonna talk about Jesus! (more…)
In the weeks leading up to the 2009 NBA Draft, Lowposts’ resident Draftologistician will be looking at NBA Drafts of the past and how they got all screwed up..
Today: The 1992 NBA Draft.. (more…)
A month after his last Celtics-related diatribe, Dan Shaughnessy has something else to say about the ball squad. Last time it was how great Dwyane Wade is, this time it’s how crappy we are. Thanks Dan! Really great to have a real fan writing about the team!
After this, we’ll be previewing the Celts-Bulls series. Yes, three Boston posts in a row. After that, we’ll move onto the other series and hopefully never have to talk about the Celtics again. Yes, I’m turning into Dan-Bob Ryanessy. There is no turning back.
(Dan Shaughnessy’s uber-douche in bold, my sassy sassbacks in plain.)
With Or Without Garnett, Repeat Unlikely
And we’re off to a rousing start!
Last night at the Garden felt like the final day of school.
What happened, the principal gave you a wedgie?
Remember?
Remember that meaningless game that meant nothing? REMEMBER?!
It was nonstop recess.
Whoooooooo! Recess!
No rules.
Just right. This Dan Shaughnessy load-release brought to you by Outback Steakhouse.
Windows open.
Well close them, Dan; you’re letting all the douche out.
Books closed.
Shaughnessy-authored books, anyway..
No more teacher’s dirty looks.
You’re losin’ me, Dan.
You could pretty much do anything you wanted.
Rape? Could I rape?
It was just a day to legally complete the school calendar.
Great analogy, you stupid squarehead.
Same deal with the Celtics last night. The skeleton crew C’s beat the Washington Generals/Wizards, 115-107.
Because the Washington Generals usually lose to the Globetrotters by eight points.
Ray Allen got the night off.
He has to sharpen his elbows for the postseason.
Paul Pierce got the night off.
Do they still get paid? Do they take a floater?
Kevin Garnett sat out for the 22d time in the last 26 games.
Lazy asshole.
It felt almost like a Patriots exhibition game.
I would say it felt exactly like a Patriots exhibition game. It also felt like a Mennonite farmer’s market and a whirling dervish dance.
Good thing it was “fan appreciation night”
Why is that in quotes? Were the players like, “Oh yeah, we really appreciate you, fans.”
or there might not have been any stars on the floor.
Yeah, they probably would’ve just stayed home. “Screw those assholes, I’m playin’ XBox!”
Allen and Pierce sat on the bench wearing suits that cost more than my car.
Please Dan, you have to spend seven or eight G’s on headroom alone.
Pierce addressed the crowd from center court before the game, acknowledging, “It’s been a long year, a trying year,” then asking for the fans to step up their game in the playoffs.
Yeah, get on your horses, you jerks!
Garnett’s only appearance was on the videoboard - the famous footage of him yelling (”AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH”) before the starters are introduced.
Nah, it’s more like “ARRRRGGHHHHRRREEEEEAAAARRRRRGGHHHH!!!”
There weren’t a ton of regulars in the stands, either.
Aw jeez, Stan wasn’t there?
This was a night to give tickets to the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker.
I don’t know what’s happening here. I also don’t think there’s much of a demand for candlesticks anymore. Probably why he had to bum tickets off a regular.
A lot of mail carriers and car mechanics were rewarded for years of loyal service.
Thanks for all the hard work you do, Jimmy. Please enjoy a pointless professional basketball game.
The real games start Saturday, when the Celtics open a best-of-seven series against the Chicago Bulls. Most of us don’t think the Celtics are going to repeat as world champions.
“Most of us (heartless assholes)..”
Why?
Because we’re sportswriters and we aren’t real fans. We hold no vested interest in our team’s success and actually have more to write/complain about when they lose.
Because Garnett (sprained knee) won’t be 100 percent and might not be a factor at all if things turn for the worse when he resumes practice today in Waltham.
That too.
Two other reasons they won’t win: the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Los Angeles Lakers. Both are better than the Celtics. And both have home-court advantage over Boston.
Shaughnessy is like a heroin addict for pessimism. He just can’t stop sticking in the needle. You think you brown, Dan. You ain’t even beige!
This feels like Cleveland’s year just like last year felt like Boston’s year.
I completely and utterly agree. But still, it’s shitty when your city’s lead sportswriter puts it in print. You should be peppin’ us up for Saturday, even if you have to lie. Stop bumming us out, you rectangle-noggin!
The Cavs have the best record and the best player. They went 39-2 at home. The only team in NBA history to go 40-1 at home was the 1985-86 Celtics. Some of us believe that team was the best in the history of basketball.
Please, the Cavs lost twice as many home games as them!
The Celtics are good.
Derrr, so are muffins.
They won 62 games, which is the same number won by the 1983-84 Celtics; that’s the only Larry Bird team that ever beat the Lakers in the Finals.
So, clearly we need to sign Larry Bird.
This year’s Green started 27-2 and won a franchise-record 19 consecutive games. Late in the season, they successfully wrestled for the second seed and won a ton of games even though they didn’t have Garnett, Leon Powe, and a raft of other talents.
A raft? What are we the Cuban National team now?
“It seemed like we were having a bad year at some points, compared to what we did last year,” said Allen, who made 95.2 percent of his free throws this season, shattering a 50-year-old franchise record set by Bill Sharman.
Yeah, suck it Sharman. Not so squeezably-soft now, are you?
“It’s been a good year in a lot of ways,” said coach Doc Rivers. “Our resolve has stuck out to me. Everybody said we were going to be the third seed. Well, we won 10 of 11 and we’re the second seed.
So eat that, ‘everybody’!
“The toughest part of this year was the intensity of our opposition, the way they came at us, especially on the road. And not only the teams - the crowds. They all wanted to knock off the champs, and that was exhausting.”
Not as exhausting as reading Shaughnessy articles, Doc.
Ultimately, of course, the thing that matters most is Garnett. He hurt his knee in the first game after the All-Star break and was rendered useless for the rest of the regular season. He came back once, but the Celtics kept “shutting him down.” And now nobody knows for sure that he’ll even play when the postseason commences here Saturday afternoon.
I do. He won’t.
Fuck.
“I think he’ll play, but we don’t know,” said Rivers. “If we don’t like what we see [in practice today and tomorrow], he won’t . . . Right now, we don’t know. It’s no fun for any of us. As a staff, we have to think of two game plans.”
The winning game plan and the losing game plan.
“KG will be rested,” said general manager Danny Ainge, trying to put a light touch on the heavy situation.
Thanks Danny.
What about the idea of shutting Garnett down for the first round since the Celtics can probably win without him?
“That really hasn’t been discussed yet,” said Ainge.
What? Seriously? That was nGever discussed? Shut down your hobbled star against the .500 team so he can be rested for the Roidlando Magic? That never came up? Jesus..
“I try not to think about it or worry about it,” said Allen. “It becomes unfair to Leon, Glen [Davis], Kendrick [Perkins], and Mikki [Moore]. I am expecting him to play, but we don’t know how he feels.”
I know how he feels. 
Nobody knows anything. That’s the scary thing as the Celtics go into the playoffs. Garnett is intensely private (how does he live here for two years without seemingly ever being seen in public?)
Vampire.
and recoils when asked about injuries.
Snake-Vampire.
Can they win without him?
“No,” said Ainge, later qualifying that with, “It would be a difficult task.”
Absolutely not!
But maybe..
We all know they can’t win without him. And there’s considerable doubt about their ability to win with him this year.
God, now I need some heroin..
Garnett is to this team what Bill Russell was to the old Celtics. The Celtics won it in 11 of Russell’s 13 seasons. The two years they didn’t win? 1958, when Russell was hurt, and 1967, when the Philadelphia 76ers were simply better.
That’s what this feels like. Garnett is hurt. And the Cavs are better.
Well, maybe Lebron’ll get syphillus like Wilt did and we’ll be fine.
Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com. 
~~~
Well there you have it. Dan Shaughnessy has no faith in a Boston sports team. Shocking. Hey Boston Globe, you can fold any day now. ‘Course I will need to come up with a new lowposts feature..
We’ve previously looked at one side of the unique connection between rap and basketball — NBA players who’ve tried to (unsuccessfully) release rap albums. A much more common phenomenon in today’s hip-hop/hoops era finds rappers mentioning basketball players in their lyrics. In fact, it’s almost impossible to listen to a rap album and not hear a musician compare himself or his counterparts to his favorite players, usually with something lame like, “I’m number one like Tracy McGrady.” There were probably more clichéd references to Shaq missing free throws in the mid-’90’s than, well, the actual number of missed free throws by the big man. While Michael Jordan, LeBron James, and Allen Iverson, to name a few, have been name-dropped hundreds of times (according to Slam, Jordan has been acknowledged over 150 times himself), here are some of the more original and memorable rap lyrics that mention NBA stars.
Clyde, Rick Barry, and Pistol Pete,
Now these players, could never be beat,
Isiah, and Iceman too,
Just give ‘em the ball, and then you talk up too,
Dantley and Wilkins are on the scene,
And Ralph Sampson is really mean,
Bill Russell didn’t take no junk,
And Darryl Dawkins got a monster dunk
– Kurtis Blow “Basketball” (1984)
A hip-hop pioneer and a knowledgeable NBA fan, Kurtis Blow referred to dozens of other NBA superstars such as Julius Erving, Wilt Chamberlain, and Magic Johnson in his hit single. While the lyrics and video are badly outdated — not to mention that Blow is a dead-ringer for Dave Chappelle’s Prince — the song was monumental in establishing an early connection between rap and basketball. It’s since been used in commercials, including the Lil’ Penny ads, and was unfortunately remade by Lil’ Bow Wow in 2002 . Let’s just pretend that never happened.
Max mostly, undivided, then slide in, sickenin’
Guaranteed, made em jump like Rod Strickland
– Wu-Tang Clan “Triumph” (1997)
I have no idea why rappers love Strickland so much. Not only is he also mentioned 
on “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing Ta F’ With,” but his name appears on Pharoahe Monch’s “Official,” (”I walk the earth with my Rod in this Strick-land”), DMX’s “Sincerity” (”straight to the hole, like Rod Strickland”), and Method Man’s “Evil Streets” (”then the plot thickens, on point like Rod Strickland”). Is it just because his name is so easy to rhyme? It’s too bad that Strick’s propensity to puke hot dogs during Wizards games (I actually saw this live once) never made it into a song.
“Who slam harder? Onyx or Vince Carter? (ONYX!)” – Onyx, “Slam Harder” (2002)
Carter’s name is found on countless rap songs, including the chorus of this commercial single. The funny thing is that by 2002, Vince wasn’t really slamming anymore, sitting out with a knee injury and eventually declaring that he “[didn't] want to dunk anymore.” “Slam Harder” was supposed to be Onyx’s comeback anthem, a follow-up to their 1993 hit “Slam,” but never translated into good album sales. The lesson here, as Raptors fans will be quick to tell you, is don’t rely on Vince Carter for anything.
Worry, I’m not Mike Jordan, of the mic recordin’
Hovi, baby, you Kobe, maybe Tracy McGrady
Matter fact, you Harold Miner, J.R. Rider, washed up on marijuana
Even worse you a Pervis Ellis, you worthless, fella
You ain’t no athlete, you Shawn Bradley
– Jay-Z “Pump It Up [Remix]” (2003)
Jay-Z is no stranger to NBA similes, foreshadowing his own comeback on “Encore,” (”come back like Jordan, wearing the 4-5“), and likening his competitors to Sam Bowie on “Hola Hovito.” His verse on the remix of Joe Budden’s “Pump It Up” prompted rumors of a feud between the two rappers. If Jay-Z was really battling Budden, himself no stranger to “NBA” allusions, then throwing in four of the biggest busts in league history (including, quite fittingly, Baby Jordan) in a four-bar span was a knock-out punch.
During last season’s playoffs, a war of words between DeShawn Stevenson and LeBron James, who compared the Wizards guard to rapper Soulja Boy, led Jay-Z back in the booth. The part owner of the New Jersey Nets recorded a Stevenson diss track, “Blow the Whistle,” and is currently working on a new record for LeBron, “To Live and Die in NJ,” to be released in the summer of 2010.
And y’all scared, I can tell / that Im’a get Bucks like Milwaukee, cause like Sam, I Cassell. – Jadakiss, Put Ya Hands Up (2001)
It’s interesting to hear Cassell’s name pop up so often, since like Strickland, he was
never a star player. He’s renowned for being clutch and looking like an alien, both of which are prominently covered by rappers: Drag-On (”And keep a guard wit ya that shoot, like Sam Cassell”); Cassidy (”And if I don’t sell, and plans should fail, man it’d get ugly like Sam Cassell”); and Redman (”Call me the Sam Cassell, shots two minute on the clock, cops know the SL handle well”). I only have one request — can someone make a testicle dance video before Sam retires?
“I’m just Kidd-in’ like Jason.” — Nelly, “Hot in Herre” (2002)
Nelly made a quick (and not particularly witty) play on words using Jason Kidd’s name on his biggest hit. Seriously though, Nelly, is that the best you could do, considering all we know about the husband of the year? How about, “I spit rhymes like J-Kidd spits french fries?” Yeah, this is probably why I’m not a rapper.
Quick Hits:
Snoop Dogg, Hoop Dreams (1999): Snoop imagines playing point guard for the Lakers and even makes a couple of transactions: “And we traded for a few players, some Pacers, Miller and Mullin, and now they Lakers.” Maybe the Clippers should consider hiring him instead of Isiah for that executive position?
Jay-Z, “La, La, La (Excuse Me Again)” (2004): “And I’m the Franchise like the Houston Rockets…” Just imagine Steve Francis’ excitement here, right before Jay finishes the line with, “…Yao Ming!” Burn!
Wu-Tang Clan, “Starter” (2007): “You’s starter, like Candace Parker, take flight like Skywalker, might wolf it on ya father.” The whole first verse is about Candace Parker, and believe me, it only gets worse from here.
Wu-Tang Clan, “Soul in the Hole” (1999): “Sore losers take off they jersey, cause they ain’t James Worthy.”
Public Enemy, “Rebel Without a Pause” (1988): “I’ll throw it down your throat like Barkley.”
The Roots, “Ain’t Sayin’ Nothing New” (1999): “I just back-slap that ass like Shaq did Ostertag.”
Nas, “These Are Our Heroes” (2004): “From OJ to Kobe, uh let’s call him Tobe … Yo, you can’t do better than that? The hotel clerk who adjusts the bathroom mat?”
Nelly Furtado: “Promiscuous,” (2006): “Is your game MVP like Steve Nash?” It’s not rap, but it features and is produced by Timbaland.
Gnarls Barkley: the group name; Cee-Lo was a rapper in his former life.
Styles P, “Good Times (I Get High)” (2005): No rap references in the lyrics, but, um, is that Jalen Rose DJing at the 2:41 and 3:06 marks??
The only rapper who’s come close to playing in the NBA is Percy “Master P” Miller — hard as it is to believe now — who was on the preseason rosters of the Charlotte Hornets in 1998 and the Toronto Raptors in 1999. Although he never appeared in a regular season game, he put out a mixtape in honor of his achivements. Maybe one day, his son, Lil’ Romeo, a rap artist in his early teens who currently plays for USC will become the first true rapper-turned-baller. (Checks Romeo Miller’s stats). Maybe not.
Bob Ryan is a pompous windbag. But you knew that already..
Did you know that Bob won the prestigious seven-year-old Dick Schaap Award for Outstanding Journalism in 2006? Other recipients? Bob Costas & Mitch Albom. There must be a height requirement.
But Bob Ryan? Really? As Bobby Knight might say, “I know Dick Schaap; and you, sir, are no Dick Schaap.” Of course I don’t know Dick Schaap. And for all I know he might be Dick Schaap. Is he Dick Schaap?
Today, Bob Ryan invites us into his time machine. C’mon in, there’s candy! The year? 1959. The place? Well…Boston, I guess. Adjust the flux Bobryaner! To infinity & beyond!
(Bob Ryan’s pompous windbaggery in bold, my snappy zingers in plain.)
Filling It Up
Goodness gracious, Bob!
Whatever else happens at the TD Banknorth Garden when the Celtics play the Indiana Pacers on Friday night,
Like Stephon Marbury repeatedly stabbing Mike Dunleavy Jr. in the face..
it’s not likely to match what took place at the original Boston Garden when the Celtics took on the Minneapolis Lakers and their sensational rookie Elgin Baylor 50 years ago to the day.
So you’re saying Troy Murphy is not as good as Elgin Baylor?
That is, unless someone is planning scoring 173 points. Yes, the Celtics set all kinds of scoring records that Saturday afternoon
“They even scored on my mom!”
– Feb. 27, 1959 —
Hey! That date is also today’s date!!
as they established a franchise single game scoring record that still stands by beating the Lakers, 173-139.
Yeah! Suck it, LA! Or…Minneapolis..
It was the Celtics’ 17th consecutive victory over the Lakers, who were playing their final year in the Twin Cities before relocating to Los Angeles, where you might say a few good things have happened.
Yeah, Magic got all that AIDS..
The times were a bit different then.
Less AIDS.
Do you think we could ever have a circumstance today in which a game with the Lakers is preceded by a basketball clinic sponsored by this newspaper?
NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Now we’re lucky they don’t charge us to get in).
Because nationally-published sportswriters don’t get paid nearly enough..
But that’s what we had at the Garden that day. Not only did Red Auerbach, Frank Ramsey and Sam Jones provide instruction for the 4,000 or so young’uns assembled for the 9th annual Globe/Celtics Basketball Clinic, but so, too, did both Lakers veteran Vern Mikklesen (a power forward before we had that term)
Back then, we called them “Polish Shortstops”..
and the aforementioned Mr. Baylor, who was busy reinventing the game of basketball for us all by turning what had always been a strict horizontal or vertical game into a diagonal demonstration of athleticism heretofore unseen. In case no one has told you, Elgin Baylor is the most important figure of the last 60 years in shaping the actual artistry of the game.
He’s also revolutionized making shitty draft picks.
From Elgin Baylor sprang Dr. J,
Like..out of him?
and then Michael and now Kobe and LeBron.
It’s like a Russian Babushka doll of personalitylessness!
Trust me on this one.
Nope.
Anyway, can you imagine coming to the next Celtics-Lakers game and getting, free of charge, a clinic with Doc, KG, Paul, Ray, Pau and Kobe?
MY BRAIN CANNOT FATHOM SUCH MADNESS!
I’m not sure if defense was addressed during that clinic. Let’s hope not.
LOL! Cuz they scored lots of points, you guyz!
The Celtics were expecting to win, of course, but there was some pregame angst because Bill Russell was nursing a strained tendon in his right leg and couldn’t play.
Pussy.
It did not turn out to be a problem.
Or did it?..
It just kinda happened.
“My penis just kinda flopped out of my trousers and everyone in the schoolyard saw it. It was an honest mistake, Officer!”
The Celtics started out hot and never cooled off.
They should’ve had some refreshing Nestea Iced Tea! Now with lemon!
They led 40-30 after one, 83-64 at the half and 121-95 after three. Meanwhile, Bob Cousy was piling up the assists, and after a while people realized he had a shot at the existing one-game record of 21, held by Richie Guerin of the Knicks.
Yeah! Suck it, Guerin!
He was taken out of the game with the record tied, but when someone apprised Auerbach of the situation, the redhead immediately put The Cooz back in the game.
The Redhead & The Cooz, coming to ABC. Sundays this fall.
Soon he had number 22. And then numbers 23, 24, 25, 26, 27 and 28. The record was tied four years later by Philadelphia’s Guy Rodgers.
Aw screw you, Guy!
John Stockton also had a 28 in 1991.
You’re cool.
It still stands at number three, behind Scott Skiles’s 30 and Kevin Porter’s 29, but in the eyes of ultra-purists it remains number one because it was not puffed up by semi-bogus assists on such tomfoolery as three-pointers, which didn’t even exist in Cousy’s day.
Back in my day, we scored two points and we liked it!
And forget about three-pointers.
Done.
The concept of what merits an assist has been significantly broadened
Like my waist.
– some would say cheapened —
Like my career.
over the years so badly that it’s safe to say Cousy would easily average 13 or 15 a game today. In those days an assist pretty much meant a lay-up and would never be attached to anything requiring more than one, or possibly two, dribbles after reception.
Dribbles After Reception (DAR). I guarantee you Daryl Morey keeps that stat.
As for Guy Rodgers, a very good player whom many think belongs in the Hall of Fame, he had the benefit of throwing the ball into Wilt Chamberlain.
The jerk..
Anyway, The Cooz finished that game with a gaudy 31 points and 29 assists, thereby accounting for 89 of those 173 all by himself.
Maths!
“I never saw anything like that in my 13 years of professional basketball,” Auerbach said. “I heard he had a chance to break the record. So I rested him for a minute and sent him right back to bust it.”
An’ he bust the shit out it!
The teams combined to hoist it 267 times.
I don’t ever need to hear Bob Ryan say “hoist it” again.
Tom Heinsohn had 28 of Boston’s 143 attempts, making 18 en route to a career-high 43.
He gets a Tommy Point.
The Celtics placed seven men in doubles, while the Lakers had six. There were 183 rebounds available.
For sale?
The 173 has since been surpassed, of course. The current record high game is Detroit’s 1983 186-184 triumph over Denver, a game in which four men had 40 or more (Kiki Vandeweghe and Alex English for Denver; Isiah Thomas and John Long for Detroit.) But that one took four overtimes.
So it sucks. Ours is better.
What does remain, however, is Boston’s 72 field goals in a 48-minute game. This figure has never been surpassed.
And never shall! I declare it, in the name of all that is good & Bob Ryan!
Commissioner Maurice Podoloff was not amused when he heard the score.
That’s too many points! Raaaaaaaaaaarrrrr! Score less!
In fact, he was infuriated, so much so that he said he would summon the officials to inquire if the teams had been “goofing off” rather than trying to play defense.
K.C. Jones was just doing somersaults up & down the court.
Minneapolis coach John Kundla took his beating like a man.
I whimpering, sniveling shell of a man.
“I just hope we can shake the effects of this one,” he said. “There was little we could do about their phenomenal shooting, although after staying with them for a while. We really played bad defense over the second half.”
This was the 50’s. Shouldn’t he have ended that by popping the collar on his leather jacket and saying “Ayyyyyyy.”
A 52-point Celtics fourth quarter might be what he was alluding to.
The Lakers did “shake it off.”
And then properly zipped up their flies and washed their hands thoroughly.
Playing the Philadelphia Warriors the next night in Camden, NJ (I said things were different then),
Caucasians weren’t afraid to go into Camden!
they pulled one out.
Hey now!
As for the Celtics, they lost a 104-102 game the next night in St. Louis when, according to them, Bob Pettit goaltended a potential game-tying shot by Cousy at the buzzer.
You will burn in hell, Pettit! In hellllllllllllllllllllllllll!!!
“AUERBACH CLAIMS ‘GOALTENDING’”, read the headline. “It was goaltending as flagrant as anything I’ve ever seen,” he fumed.
He then put his cigar out in a towel boy’s eye.
Well, not everything has changed.
Zing.
~~~
Thanks for the trip down Memory Lane, Bob. Just wish you hadn’t held my hand the whole way..
I grew up in the Great State of Maine. Vacationland! The air was clean, the people were pleasant and the moose were always standing in the middle of the road like dolts. Get out of the damn road, moose! 
The Bangor Daily News was how we got our updates on the daily goings-on of this wonderful world we live on (or in, if you’re one of those dastardly Mole People; Damn you Mole People!!!). It’s not exactly a high-powered journalistic machine. I believe the headline today has something to do with an ‘igloo expert.’ But it got the job done, and it had bright colorful pictures to delight the eyes.
When it came to sports coverage, the BDN left much to be desired. Our biggest editorialist/columnist was Bangor’s own Gary Thorne. A fantastic announcer. Not the greatest writer, though. And he’s the asshole who furthered the whole Curt Schilling’s bloody sock was fake conspiracy theory. So screw him. Nope, when Mainers needed real sports coverage we needed to head all the way down I-95 to Beantown; home of The Most Giantest Douche In All The Land, Dan Shaughnessy.
Dan Shaughnessy is a douche. This has been said before. It was actually said in that last paragraph. But it needs to be said again. Dan Shaughnessy is a douche. He comes from the old school of New England sports fans, steeped in overnegativity and pessimism. I’ve still got my fair share of that stuff too, but I do my best to conceal it to the outside world. (Probably explains that giant tumor erupting out of the back of my skull..)
Carl Everett once referred to him as the Curly-Haired Boyfriend. I’m just gonna stick with “Douche.”
Now, in the spirit of FireJoeMorgan & BDD, I’m going to tear into Mr. Shaughnessy with the feverish ravenousness of a mongoose ripping through the softened intestines of a recently-dead longshoreman..
(Shaughnessy’s doucheiness in bold, my clever rejoinders in plain.)
This Matchup Can’t Be Matched
That’s the best title to anything since Dunston Checks In..
They didn’t stick around to watch the commissioner present the gold-ball trophy to Wyc and Pags. They skipped the scene with Bill Russell hugging Kevin Garnett. They were back on the beach long before the duck boats rolled through the Back Bay.
In other words: They didn’t become the first team in the history of professional/collegiate sports to stick around on the court/field and watch the winning team receive their trophy. Those jerks!
They skipped the scene of abject homo-eroticism between KG & Russell. Now that’s what I call ‘passing the torch!’
And they decided to leave Boston for the beaches of Southern California, instead of hanging out an extra day in the town where they were so thoroughly embarrassed the night before. What a bunch of ungrateful assholes!
But how can these Los Angeles Lakers ever forget the sight of Tony Allen flushing a reverse dunk with 1:22 left to make the score 129-86 in the sixth game of the NBA Finals? It was embarrassing and humiliating. And it was just eight months ago.
And now Luke Walton is pregnant! Explain yourself, Tony Allen!!
Tonight the Lakers are back in the Garden.
We have to stop calling this place the Garden. It sickens me. I never got to go to the Garden. I was a poor country boy whose parents couldn’t afford to go to the big city on a whim. That arena was born the Fleet Center and it shall die the Fleet Center.
It’s got to feel like revisiting the place where you totaled your sports car five minutes after peeling out of the dealership. Frightening flashbacks. Like Buckner walking into Shea.
Jeez Lou-freeking-weeze. He really can’t go a week without bringing up Buckner. Where’s my bullhorn? (adjusts bullhorn volume) WE HAVE WON TWO WORLD SERIES IN FOUR YEARS. THE MASSES HAVE BEEN SATED! ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING BUCKNER REFERENCES. LET HIM DIE IN PEACE! I REPEAT, ENOUGH WITH THE MOTHERLOVING BUCKNER REFERENCES YOU RED-HEADED BIG BIRD STUNT DOUBLE!!
This is the place where something bad happened.
Where are we? The abortion clinic where Dan Shaughnessy miraculously survived?
It’s an NBA event, as big as any regular-season game. The Celtics and Lakers meet only twice (pre-playoffs), and Boston’s annual Staples Center game was the highlight of ABC’s Christmas package.
Ha, package.
We all remember that one. The Celtics walked into Los Angeles with a 27-2 record and a franchise-best 19-game winning streak and got whupped down the stretch by Pau Gasol, of all people. The loss sent the Green into a 2-7 dip that emboldened Eastern Conference challengers from Cleveland, Orlando, and Detroit.
And then Bill Buckner! And 9-11! Nazis! Ahhhh!!
Hall of Famer Bill Walton,
(my more-talented, more-laid, more-high, equally-annoying doppelganger)
enjoying a solid second act as a television analyst (and proud dad of Lakers forward Luke Walton), watched the Christmas special from home, just as he will tonight in Southern California.
The damn hippie..
“[Rajon] Rondo did not play well in that game in Los Angeles and he is such a critical component,” said the man who won a ring with the Celtics in 1985-86.
Oh, the Buckner Years?
“The Celtics were playing great ball at the time, just as they are now. They went into a two-week funk after that game when nobody was contributing. The second string, particualry Big Baby [Glen Davis], has to have an impact on every game for them. The Celtics just started that game way too slow.
I like how, in a Boston newspaper, they have to explain to you who Big Baby is. I could’ve sworn Bill was referring to a fat infant who plays professional basketball. (Dribbling joke)
Order has been restored to the universe since the Scroogey Christmas. The Celtics come into tonight’s game with a 12-game winning streak and the best record in the NBA as the basketball world braces for (hopefully) yet another Boston-LA championship series in June.
A long winning streak and the best record in the league prior to playing the Lakers? What could possibly go wrong!
The Lakers are certainly doing their part, tied with Cleveland for the second-best record in the league, holding a six-game lead over the Spurs in the race for the best record in the West. We won’t see the Lakers at their best because they are playing their third road game in four nights
Baby’s tired..
and will be without 21-year-old mastodon Andrew Bynum,
Did you know that ‘mastodon’ is Greek for ‘nipple-tooth’? Truth..
who is out for at least a couple of months with a tear of the medial collateral ligament in his right knee.
Sampson!
Bynum was the missing ingredient last spring when the Celtics had their way with the softshell Californians.
Mmm, Softshell Californians with drawn butter..
Kobe Bryant will certainly be here tonight.
Crap.
Kobe dropped 61 on the Knicks Monday night - a Madison Square Garden record. He was outplayed by Paul Pierce in last year’s Finals and no doubt that nags him.
(Insert doofus Lakers fans ‘wheelchair’ jokes here..)
Meanwhile, the champs have won their last two games without Kevin Garnett. KG is expected to be back on the floor tonight. Who could miss this one?
Bynum will miss it..
Forget about Garnett, this game is The Big Ticket. Rich, famous, and fortunate sons are sure to be at courtside, just as they were in Los Angeles on Christmas Day,
CCR will be there? Sweet..
But it’s more than an event. It’s a regular-season game with true meaning.
That actually sounds like less than an event.
The winner gains an edge in the crucial quest for home-court advantage in the playoffs.
“This game will mean everything and it very likely could determine the championship,” said Walton, no stranger to hyperbole.
We might as well just skip the Finals altogether. Clippers, draft Blake Griffin. Now!
“That’s the way these teams have to look at it. Home-court advantage is just critical.
Kinda like how my comatose body is just critical after reading this tripe.
“One thing this young Laker team learned last year is how incredibly powerful a force home-court advantage is for the Celtics. These players grew up when the Celtics were down, so they never saw it. Now they know that Celtic fans are incredible in what they do to inspire the home team and intimidate the road team. It can be devastating, as it was to the Lakers last year.”
Holy Crap, Dan. Interview two people! Does he have anybody else’s phone numbers? I know he has Buckner’s, but that’s just for late nights and heavy breathing..
Anybody got extra tickets?
Nope.
Tonight’s game reminds me of an odd phone message from 21 winters ago.
Hoo boy.. This is beginning to turn into Taxi Cab Confessions..
And “21 winters”? Who are you, Jack Frost? Why don’t you go four score yourself..
The Lakers were coming to town to play the Celtics in their annual regular-season game and Tigers shortstop Alan Trammell called me for tickets. How crazy is that?
Soooooooooooooo crazyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! Raaaaaaarrrr!!
Shaughnessy told this story to Kevin Garnett and you know how he responded?
Trammell had finished second in the American League MVP voting that year.
Damn you, George Bell!!!
Like the Celtics and Lakers, he was at the top of his game.
Yeah, when I think of excellence, I think of The Celtics…The Lakers…and Alan Trammell.
We barely knew one another,
But we made love deep into the night..
but he figured I might be able to help.
Oh.
The Celtics were happy to oblige, so Trammell flew from San Diego to Boston just to see one regular-season game.
You mean, he didn’t stay in town to attend the next twelve regular season matchups? What a maroon!
The Lakers won it, 115-114, on a 20-foot shot by Magic over the Chief at the buzzer.
Are you positive that’s how it ended?
Nailed it.
Here we are again. New faces, same teams, same intensity.
And yet Alan Trammell is nowhere to be found. Just doesn’t seem the same without him..
Anybody got extra tickets?
Again, nope. Aren’t you an area sports journalist or something?
Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com.
Yeah, see? Right there. You’re a Globe columnist. Ask them, they might be able to help you out.
~~~
In the words of one Eli from the Class of 2005: Ah deed eet!
Christ, he’s long-winded. If this becomes a regular feature on Lowposts, please alert my next of kin.
It’s gonna be a big game tonight, let’s all enjoy it. Whether we hate the Lakers (me), hate the Celtics (probably you), or hate Bill Buckner. And let’s pray to the Gods above that somebody splurges and buys Ol’ Danny Boy that ticket he’s been needling for. Dig deep, America!
Powered by WordPress. Theme: TheBuckmaker. Viverto Search, Fischler
