Pistol Brandisher’s Wildly Western Conference
Pistol Brandisher & his faithful Injun sidekick Tex Mecks run down the Western Conference.. (more…)
Oct
26
2009
26
2009
Oct
01
2009
01
2009
LowPosts Team Previews: Los Angeles Clippers
Key Offseason Additions: Blake Griffin, Sebastian Telfair, Sebastian Telfair’s handgun, Rasual Butler, Craig Smith, Quentin Richardson’s boarding pass, Mark Madsen’s $2.8-million salary cap hit
Picture all the possibilities...
The Lowdown: After adding two overpaid and injury-prone All-Stars in Baron Davis and Marcus Camby to a young nucleus of Al Thornton and Eric Gordon last summer, many analysts considered the Clippers to be a sleeper playoff team. Well, we all know how that turned out — the same old Clippers finished with the second-worst record in the league, placing among the leaders in worst team field goal percentage and worst opponents’ field goal percentage. Trading for Zach Randolph mid-season tends to do that to a team.
Of course, the basketball gods apparently reward incompetence, since the Clippers were blessed on two fronts. First came the number one pick in an NBA Draft that had one consensus top selection that even Mike Dunleavy couldn’t possibly screw up, as much as he undoubtedly tried. And then came the jaw-dropping trade of Zach Randolph’s two-year, $33-million contract to a GM with even less common sense than Dunleavy (Chris Wallace) in Memphis. It should also be noted that the Clippers flirted with the idea of pairing Allen Iverson with Davis in the backcourt and forming the first ever team that never passes.
The Good: I can’t believe I’m about to write this, but the Clippers actually ended up having one of the best offseasons of any team in the NBA. In fact, the first key offseason addition above shouldn’t even be Rookie of the Year favorite Blake Griffin, but team chemistry, via the aforementioned subtraction of Randolph (though they do still have Ricky Davis). Baron Davis has reportedly looked more like the player who once resurrected a struggling Warriors franchise than a Kimbo Slice lookalike who shot a putrid 37% from the field last season, while Bassy Telfair is a capable, if not underrated backup who’s amazingly still only 24 years old. If — and this is a big if — Marcus Camby and Chris Kaman can combine to play in 120 games, this could be a team on the rise in a suddenly weaker Western Conference.
Oh, who are we kidding — they’re still the Clippers.
Fantasy Sleeper Alert: Once again, because they are the Clippers, and this bears repeating over and over again, bad things can will happen. Camby and Kaman are obvious threats to go down at any time, and Griffin is already banged up with knee and shoulder injuries. Keep an eye on Craig Smith and DeAndre Jordan, both of whom have been able to produce serviceable numbers when given starter’s minutes.
Prediction: 25-57 — 5th in Pacific Division, 15th in Western Conference
Jul
22
2009
22
2009
Bill Plaschke Also Also Sucks..
In our second installment of “Bill Plaschke Also Also Sucks,” Bill implores the defending champions to re-sign their third-best player; a not-too-preposterous request.
But Mr. Plaschke decides this request isn’t enough to flesh out an entire column. So he decides to take some not-entirely-warranted potshots at free agent Allen Iverson.
It’s only too appropriate that Bill’s middle name is Homer.
To the Assbloatmobile! (more…)
Jun
25
2009
25
2009
Jun
24
2009
24
2009
Anthony Mason’s 2009 NBA Mock Draft
The 2009 NBA Draft is nearly upon us.
‘Tis nigh. ‘Tis nigh!
And what better way to ring in draft week than with our very own Anthony Charles Xavier Mason.
Let the mocking and drafting begin.. (more…)
May
20
2009
20
2009
Blake’s First Day On The Job..
(Blake Griffin is led to the Clippers locker room by a Staples Center employee..)
Employee: Welcome to the Clippers, Mr. Griffin.
Griffin: Thanks, kid.
(Blake scans the room and walks over to introduce himself to Zach Randolph..)
Griffin: Hey Zach. Blake Griffin, pleased to meet you.
Randolph: ‘Sup man. You want some of this pig? (more…)
Feb
05
2009
05
2009
Dan Shaughnessy Sucks.
I grew up in the Great State of Maine. Vacationland! The air was clean, the people were pleasant and the moose were always standing in the middle of the road like dolts. Get out of the damn road, moose! 
The Bangor Daily News was how we got our updates on the daily goings-on of this wonderful world we live on (or in, if you’re one of those dastardly Mole People; Damn you Mole People!!!). It’s not exactly a high-powered journalistic machine. I believe the headline today has something to do with an ‘igloo expert.’ But it got the job done, and it had bright colorful pictures to delight the eyes.
When it came to sports coverage, the BDN left much to be desired. Our biggest editorialist/columnist was Bangor’s own Gary Thorne. A fantastic announcer. Not the greatest writer, though. And he’s the asshole who furthered the whole Curt Schilling’s bloody sock was fake conspiracy theory. So screw him. Nope, when Mainers needed real sports coverage we needed to head all the way down I-95 to Beantown; home of The Most Giantest Douche In All The Land, Dan Shaughnessy.
Dan Shaughnessy is a douche. This has been said before. It was actually said in that last paragraph. But it needs to be said again. Dan Shaughnessy is a douche. He comes from the old school of New England sports fans, steeped in overnegativity and pessimism. I’ve still got my fair share of that stuff too, but I do my best to conceal it to the outside world. (Probably explains that giant tumor erupting out of the back of my skull..)
Carl Everett once referred to him as the Curly-Haired Boyfriend. I’m just gonna stick with “Douche.”
Now, in the spirit of FireJoeMorgan & BDD, I’m going to tear into Mr. Shaughnessy with the feverish ravenousness of a mongoose ripping through the softened intestines of a recently-dead longshoreman..
(Shaughnessy’s doucheiness in bold, my clever rejoinders in plain.)
This Matchup Can’t Be Matched
That’s the best title to anything since Dunston Checks In..
They didn’t stick around to watch the commissioner present the gold-ball trophy to Wyc and Pags. They skipped the scene with Bill Russell hugging Kevin Garnett. They were back on the beach long before the duck boats rolled through the Back Bay.
In other words: They didn’t become the first team in the history of professional/collegiate sports to stick around on the court/field and watch the winning team receive their trophy. Those jerks!
They skipped the scene of abject homo-eroticism between KG & Russell. Now that’s what I call ‘passing the torch!’
And they decided to leave Boston for the beaches of Southern California, instead of hanging out an extra day in the town where they were so thoroughly embarrassed the night before. What a bunch of ungrateful assholes!
But how can these Los Angeles Lakers ever forget the sight of Tony Allen flushing a reverse dunk with 1:22 left to make the score 129-86 in the sixth game of the NBA Finals? It was embarrassing and humiliating. And it was just eight months ago.
And now Luke Walton is pregnant! Explain yourself, Tony Allen!!
Tonight the Lakers are back in the Garden.
We have to stop calling this place the Garden. It sickens me. I never got to go to the Garden. I was a poor country boy whose parents couldn’t afford to go to the big city on a whim. That arena was born the Fleet Center and it shall die the Fleet Center.
It’s got to feel like revisiting the place where you totaled your sports car five minutes after peeling out of the dealership. Frightening flashbacks. Like Buckner walking into Shea.
Jeez Lou-freeking-weeze. He really can’t go a week without bringing up Buckner. Where’s my bullhorn? (adjusts bullhorn volume) WE HAVE WON TWO WORLD SERIES IN FOUR YEARS. THE MASSES HAVE BEEN SATED! ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING BUCKNER REFERENCES. LET HIM DIE IN PEACE! I REPEAT, ENOUGH WITH THE MOTHERLOVING BUCKNER REFERENCES YOU RED-HEADED BIG BIRD STUNT DOUBLE!!
This is the place where something bad happened.
Where are we? The abortion clinic where Dan Shaughnessy miraculously survived?
It’s an NBA event, as big as any regular-season game. The Celtics and Lakers meet only twice (pre-playoffs), and Boston’s annual Staples Center game was the highlight of ABC’s Christmas package.
Ha, package.
We all remember that one. The Celtics walked into Los Angeles with a 27-2 record and a franchise-best 19-game winning streak and got whupped down the stretch by Pau Gasol, of all people. The loss sent the Green into a 2-7 dip that emboldened Eastern Conference challengers from Cleveland, Orlando, and Detroit.
And then Bill Buckner! And 9-11! Nazis! Ahhhh!!
Hall of Famer Bill Walton,
(my more-talented, more-laid, more-high, equally-annoying doppelganger)
enjoying a solid second act as a television analyst (and proud dad of Lakers forward Luke Walton), watched the Christmas special from home, just as he will tonight in Southern California.
The damn hippie..
“[Rajon] Rondo did not play well in that game in Los Angeles and he is such a critical component,” said the man who won a ring with the Celtics in 1985-86.
Oh, the Buckner Years?
“The Celtics were playing great ball at the time, just as they are now. They went into a two-week funk after that game when nobody was contributing. The second string, particualry Big Baby [Glen Davis], has to have an impact on every game for them. The Celtics just started that game way too slow.
I like how, in a Boston newspaper, they have to explain to you who Big Baby is. I could’ve sworn Bill was referring to a fat infant who plays professional basketball. (Dribbling joke)
You’re going to have to play great to beat the Lakers on any court.”
What about Night Court?
Order has been restored to the universe since the Scroogey Christmas. The Celtics come into tonight’s game with a 12-game winning streak and the best record in the NBA as the basketball world braces for (hopefully) yet another Boston-LA championship series in June.
A long winning streak and the best record in the league prior to playing the Lakers? What could possibly go wrong!
The Lakers are certainly doing their part, tied with Cleveland for the second-best record in the league, holding a six-game lead over the Spurs in the race for the best record in the West. We won’t see the Lakers at their best because they are playing their third road game in four nights
Baby’s tired..
and will be without 21-year-old mastodon Andrew Bynum,
Did you know that ‘mastodon’ is Greek for ‘nipple-tooth’? Truth..
who is out for at least a couple of months with a tear of the medial collateral ligament in his right knee.
Sampson!
Bynum was the missing ingredient last spring when the Celtics had their way with the softshell Californians.
Mmm, Softshell Californians with drawn butter..
Kobe Bryant will certainly be here tonight.
Crap.
Kobe dropped 61 on the Knicks Monday night - a Madison Square Garden record. He was outplayed by Paul Pierce in last year’s Finals and no doubt that nags him.
(Insert doofus Lakers fans ‘wheelchair’ jokes here..)
Meanwhile, the champs have won their last two games without Kevin Garnett. KG is expected to be back on the floor tonight. Who could miss this one?
Bynum will miss it..
Forget about Garnett, this game is The Big Ticket. Rich, famous, and fortunate sons are sure to be at courtside, just as they were in Los Angeles on Christmas Day,
CCR will be there? Sweet..
But it’s more than an event. It’s a regular-season game with true meaning.
That actually sounds like less than an event.
The winner gains an edge in the crucial quest for home-court advantage in the playoffs.
“This game will mean everything and it very likely could determine the championship,” said Walton, no stranger to hyperbole.
We might as well just skip the Finals altogether. Clippers, draft Blake Griffin. Now!
“That’s the way these teams have to look at it. Home-court advantage is just critical.
Kinda like how my comatose body is just critical after reading this tripe.
“One thing this young Laker team learned last year is how incredibly powerful a force home-court advantage is for the Celtics. These players grew up when the Celtics were down, so they never saw it. Now they know that Celtic fans are incredible in what they do to inspire the home team and intimidate the road team. It can be devastating, as it was to the Lakers last year.”
Holy Crap, Dan. Interview two people! Does he have anybody else’s phone numbers? I know he has Buckner’s, but that’s just for late nights and heavy breathing..
Anybody got extra tickets?
Nope.
Tonight’s game reminds me of an odd phone message from 21 winters ago.
Hoo boy.. This is beginning to turn into Taxi Cab Confessions..
And “21 winters”? Who are you, Jack Frost? Why don’t you go four score yourself..
The Lakers were coming to town to play the Celtics in their annual regular-season game and Tigers shortstop Alan Trammell called me for tickets. How crazy is that?
Soooooooooooooo crazyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! Raaaaaaarrrr!!
Shaughnessy told this story to Kevin Garnett and you know how he responded? 
Trammell had finished second in the American League MVP voting that year.
Damn you, George Bell!!!
Like the Celtics and Lakers, he was at the top of his game.
Yeah, when I think of excellence, I think of The Celtics…The Lakers…and Alan Trammell.
We barely knew one another,
But we made love deep into the night..
but he figured I might be able to help.
Oh.
The Celtics were happy to oblige, so Trammell flew from San Diego to Boston just to see one regular-season game.
You mean, he didn’t stay in town to attend the next twelve regular season matchups? What a maroon!
The Lakers won it, 115-114, on a 20-foot shot by Magic over the Chief at the buzzer.
Are you positive that’s how it ended?
Nailed it.
Here we are again. New faces, same teams, same intensity.
And yet Alan Trammell is nowhere to be found. Just doesn’t seem the same without him..
Anybody got extra tickets?
Again, nope. Aren’t you an area sports journalist or something?
Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com.
Yeah, see? Right there. You’re a Globe columnist. Ask them, they might be able to help you out.
~~~
In the words of one Eli from the Class of 2005: Ah deed eet!
Christ, he’s long-winded. If this becomes a regular feature on Lowposts, please alert my next of kin.
It’s gonna be a big game tonight, let’s all enjoy it. Whether we hate the Lakers (me), hate the Celtics (probably you), or hate Bill Buckner. And let’s pray to the Gods above that somebody splurges and buys Ol’ Danny Boy that ticket he’s been needling for. Dig deep, America!
Dec
29
2008
29
2008
The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ: The Thunder
The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ is an ongoing project, exploring the potential destinations of the NBA’s foremost Bubblicious bubble gum shill, Lebron James (try Lebron’s new Lightning Lemonade flavor!). All thirty teams (and perhaps some European squads) will be analyzed and awarded an arbitrary percentage on their odds of being Lebronorized.
First up: The Oklahoma City Thunder.. (more…)
Nov
14
2008
14
2008
Oklahoma City Thunder! The Musical [2009 Edition]
(Third-string center Mouhamed Sene is suiting up before practice)
Sene: Oh to be Alonzo Mourning
Oh not to be Mouhamed Sene
Oh to be Alonzo Mourning
Except for the cancer he’s great!
(Assistant Coach Brian Keefe strolls by Sene and glances at him peculiarly out of the corner of his eye. He makes his way to the court and passes rookie point guard Russell Westbrook talking up one of the Thunder cheerleaders.)
Westbrook: When I take you out, tonight, with me
Ho, here’s the way it’s goin’ to be
You will set behind a team of jet black Rovers
In the slickest Bentley you ever see!
Chicks and hoes and bitches better scurry
When I take you out in the Bentley
When I take you out in the Bentley with the fringe on top!
Shoshonda: (shaking her head) Nah, I don’t think so Russell. We ain’t s’posed to date you guys.
Westbrook: (pouting) Bitch, I sang for you and shit! (more…)
