It’s been almost two months since Bob Ryan spoke on the sport of basketball. He’s been too busy defending the elderly Bill Belichick. LEAVE GRAMPA ALONE!
Today Bob discusses Brandon Jennings and the fact that he must bow at the altar of KG, the first man to say “College is for pussies.” (Except for Reggie Harding & Spencer Haywood & Darryl Dawkins & Bill Willoughby & Moses Malone & Lloyd Daniels & Shawn Kemp; but after them, JUST KG!!)
Nine days ago, Bob slurped Doc’s son. But not his other son, who sucks. This week, it’s Eddie House slurping time. I’ve been guilty of this as well but hey, I’m not a fat load. But I do drop fat loads..
Now that’s what I call Nightmare Fuel.
To the mockery van!
At Last, Eddie Is Steadied
HARTFORD - Eddie has found a home.
Well, that’s a relief. I was beginning to get worried about him..
I mean, really. It was getting ridiculous.
He was living in a cardboard box! What a maroon!
After spending his first three years in Miami, Eddie House hit the road,
Begrudgingly.
playing for six teams in four years,
Slut.
always good enough to be wanted but never good enough to be considered indispensable.
So he was unindispensable? Inindispensable?
And it would be an exaggeration to say that he is indispensable.
What I’m trying to say is he’s been released.
But he is beginning his third year as a Boston Celtic for the very simple reason that he is a specialist who knows exactly who he is
Eddie House.
and who he isn’t,
Eddie Money.
and that clearly appeals to Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers.
That’s why they got rid of Mikki Moore. He thought he was Eddie Money.
“I don’t care how many snakes you have, you’re no rock star!”
“Boy, he can shoot, and he scares the hell out of other teams,’’ declares Rivers. “He used to scare the hell out of me when I was coaching elsewhere. I kid him that he’s on the All-Scare Team.’’
Rude thing to say to Shelden William’s face.
There are no secrets with Eddie.
He told everyone about my secret crush!
Mr. House doesn’t enter the game seeking to assess the game temperature or flow or tempo, or any of that stuff. When Eddie comes into the game, the ball is going up.
Send me in, Coach! I’m just gonna start huckin’ it!
“He knows his role,’’ says Rivers, “and his teammates know his role. They do whatever they can to free him up.’’
They will KILL for him!
Eddie House is a proven jump shooter. Everyone in the league knows that.
Except for Ruben Patterson, ’cause he’s a friggin’ idiot.
Patterson: Hey, man. Feelings!
But there is a second reason that helps explain why Eddie House’s nationwide perambulations
Bob Ryan’s column today has been brought to you by Thesaurus.com, for all your thesaurusing needs.
(Miami to Los Angeles (Clippers) to Charlotte to Milwaukee to Sacramento to Phoenix to New Jersey) finally ceased when he came to Boston.
Right when he was getting settled in New Jersey!
Danny Ainge is a paid-up member of his fan club.
Unfortunately, to be a member of the Eddie House Fan Club, you have to pay in heart attacks.
“First of all, I fell in love with Eddie when he was in college,’’ Ainge says.
Curry: lol, gay.
It seems that Eddie House was playing for Arizona State while Danny was playing and coaching in Phoenix. “I watched him play at Arizona State. He’s definitely a guy I’d pay to watch play. And I followed his NBA career closely.’’
A little too closely..
“I knew he was at a lot of our games,’’ says House,
I mean legally he had to tell me. Least that’s what the judge said.
who had 11 points and 4 assists in Boston’s 106-90 exhibition dispatch of the Toronto Raptors at the XL Center last night. “He used to sit courtside.
..under the bleachers.
I’d see him and it would inspire me.
..to hire security.
I’d say, ‘Man, if he’s here to see me, maybe I can play in the league.’ ’’
..and get raped by Danny Ainge.
Eddie House is not a great player.
HE’S THE GREATEST PLAYER!
He is a great shooter.
And a great dinosaur.
House: Raar! Houseasaurus!
He has never averaged 10 points a game, in part because he has never averaged 20 minutes a game. He’s a 6-foot-1-inch shooting guard masquerading, on occasion, as a point guard. His job is to enter the game and change it with long-range jumpers, almost every one of which is fired up from about 2 feet in front of the 3-point arc to 2 feet behind it.
He just happens to be very good at it. Last year, for example, he shot .444 from the 3-point line, or .001 lower than his overall average. The Celtics would gladly take that again.
“He’s a scary shooter,’’ Ainge says (no, he and Doc did not compare notes).
They both called him a scary shooter independently of one another!!!
And neither man has ever met!
“Eddie can shoot as well as anybody in the game. He’s right there with a Ray Allen, that kind of guy. But he’s not as big, so he doesn’t get his shot off as easily. But no one has a quicker trigger.’’
I hear Delonte’s a pretty quick shot..
Eddie’s technique is something young players should study.
But not with their briefs around their ankles like Danny Ainge studies.
“He’s very sound technically,’’ says Ainge, who knows a thing or two about shooting. “He has a very consistent rotation. The ball comes off his hand very consistently.
(additional Danny Ainge gay joke)
“He’s also what I call a ‘hop shooter,’ ’’ Ainge continues.
A kangaroo assassin, if you will.
“There aren’t very many ‘hop shooters.’ By that I mean he jumps off the floor with both feet. Most guys are what I call a ‘step-step’ shooter. But he hops into it. The last really good hop shooter I remember was Ricky Pierce.’’
You mean THIS Ricky Pierce??
All this was evident in his other stops, for sure. But there appears to be a particular resonance on this team. I guess that’s what they mean by a “fit.’’
No other GM’s penis would suffice.
Perhaps it’s because, as much as he is framed as a shooter, Eddie House isn’t one-dimensional.
That would explain his existence in reality. I thought he was just a cartoon. Like you, Bob Ryan!
The Celtics do appreciate other things about him.
Got a real sweet ass.
It really goes back to draft day. The entire basketball world knew Eddie House could score. The man had 61 in an NCAA game, after all. But because he’s 6-1, and not really a point guard, people didn’t know what to do with him.
A smaller player who can really shoot and score at will. WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO WITH THIS MAN?
“It’s what we do in this business,’’ Ainge explains. “We focus on what people can’t do instead of what they can do.’’
It’s true.
Lebron:
Can’t avoid the spotlight.
Kobe: 
Can’t take no for an answer.
Zach:
Can’t believe it’s not butter.
“He’ll never make the All-Defense Team,’’ says Rivers. “But he plays hard all the time. He competes. He fits for us. He clearly understands what he has to do to stay on the floor.’’
Glue his shoes to the court.
“I do think I bring more to a team than just being a shooter,’’ House says.
I’m also a hucker, a gunner and a shooter.
“I’m not the passer [Rajon] Rondo is, but I can pass the ball. I’m not the defender Rondo is, but I can get my hands on the ball and disrupt things. And being with a team now for a third year means I know what we’re trying to do out there.
Win basketball games? That took you three years? Cripes..
That’s half the battle.’’
Championship teams need stars, first and foremost, but they also need intelligent, skilled, and experienced role players.
Eddie House has already helped his team win one title. A second would not be out of the question.
Eddie House: An All-American Hero.
Bob Ryan is a Globe columnist and host of Globe 10.0 on Boston.com. He can be reached at ryan@globe.com. 
And today, I pick on a high school kid.
Bob Ryan hasn’t written anything for Lowposts in nearly two months. Partly because basketball season is over and partly because his face exploded and partly because he’s now stuck in that “Take On Me” music video.. (more…)
Sometimes Bob Ryan blogs. I doubt he actually believes he’s blogging.
(If he did, his face would explode.) (more…)
Sometimes Bob Ryan blogs. It’s not really a blog, per se. More of a collection of windbaggian quips. It’s called “And Another Thing… Opinions, Observations & Anecdotes.” Just a bunch of ideas that he couldn’t flesh out into entire columns. Basically everything he ever writes should be in this section, but I digress.
Today, Bob Ryan has some opinions, observations & anecdotes on Antoine Walker. (more…)
Over the weekend, Bob Ryan wrote an article about the Celtics’ acquisition of Rasheed Wallace. The word ‘thug’ was not used. The word ‘technical’ was not used. The word ‘diet’ was not used. The word ‘facesplosion’ was not used.
Let’s hurt his feelings anyway..
Winning At Home Has New Meaning
Now it means losing.
WALTHAM - Rasheed Wallace has been around and back again.
He is such a slut.
He figured it would be the standard executive sales pitch.
“It was definitely great,’’ he explains.
It was definitely not good.
It was definitely great.
“I went around the little conference room
He can’t even leave Detroit without belittling the size of their conference room? No class.
and I saw them there. I really wasn’t expecting them.’’
In hindsight, I should’ve worn pants.
And it wasn’t as if Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen just happened to be in the neighborhood.
‘Cause nobody fuckin’ goes to Detroit.
There was some serious schedule rearranging going on.
Wasn’t that an Elvis song? “Whole Lotta Schedule Rearrangin’ Goin’ On”
“Me, Danny, and Wyc,’’ says Doc Rivers. “We’re not really the Big Three.’’
The head coach, the executive director of basketball operations/general manager, and the managing partner/governor
Franchises have governors? Do they have state’s rights too? Can Big Baby get an abortion if Tyrus knocks him up?
do wield a bit of power in the organization. Let’s not get carried away.
I don’t think you’ll ever have to worry about that, Bob. Forklifts have payload limits.
But if you’re a 34-year old veteran of 14 NBA seasons, are you going to be more influenced by a coach, a GM, and a businessman or by a trio of ring-bearing veterans who are here to tell you that joining forces with them to play some high-level basketball is going to make for a very fulfilling experience, and might even produce another championship ring for your collection?
Ring-bearing veterans!
Ring-bearing veterans!
We have our answer.
Ring-bearing veterans!
That was indeed Rasheed Wallace sitting underneath the 1957 and 1959 championship banners at the Celtics’ HealthPoint practice facility yesterday.
‘Cause there ain’t no room in the garden for every championship banner..
/cracks knuckles
//reclines in desk chair
///falls on ass
He was being introduced to the world
TO THE WORLD!
as the newest member of the Boston Celtics.
I’ll always remember where I was for the Rasheed Wallace Boston press conference. I’ll admit I got alittle teary-eyed when John Mayer came out and did an acoustic version of “Ball Don’t Lie.”
And this is a man who had choices once the season ended.
He could’ve gotten a sex change.
He could’ve gone back in time and fought in the Civil War.
He could’ve exploded.
He tells us, in fact, there were five places where he thought he could be playing next season: San Antonio, Dallas, Cleveland, Orlando, and Boston.
Boston, he says, made the most sense.
Fucks yeah, it did.
“I felt as though this was a good fit,’’ he explains.
The thong doesn’t hug the junk too much. Lets ‘em breathe..
“One thing these guys do is play defense.
Another thing these guys do is play offense.
Sometimes they do both.
During basketball games.
And they have a team scheme.
TEAM SCHEME!
The bottom line is that they play to win, and that is pretty much what swayed me to come here.’’
Stupid other teams, playing to lose.
This is a man who knows he’s wanted.
Dead or Alive.
(guitar solo)
He’s not the fifth choice, the fourth choice, the third choice, or the first runner-up.
He’s the second runner-up. Which, I guess, would make him the third choice..
“When the season ended we looked at the free agent list, and the name that popped up right away was Rasheed Wallace,’’ says Rivers.
Shouldn’t've bought that pop-up free agent list.
“It was clear for our team that who he was, and how he plays, he was the perfect fit for our team.’’
Him?
Rivers, Danny Ainge, and Wyc Grousbeck were perfectly capable of delivering that message, checkbook in hand.
Sheed only takes cash, though.
But Danny reasoned it wouldn’t hurt to take out an insurance policy.
On his heart!
Ba dum chh!!
He had three pretty satisfied employees on his payroll and he asked them if they wouldn’t mind turning back the clock a bit and acting as if they were in college (KG could pretend)
Cuz he dumb.
and the coach was bringing in Mr. All-State from somewhere on his recruiting visit. You know, lay it on a little.
Like Bob does with Dijonaise on his morning toast.
Tell him how much you’d like to play with him, and don’t forget to mention how great the fans and city are, too.
You know, lie a little.
“I think us being there really made a statement to him,’’ maintains Ray Allen. “A player can hear things from Danny and Doc, but he heard it from our mouths, face to face.’’
Starring Tom Skerritt.
Doc likes the college recruiting analogy.
Ubuntu U?
“I talk to John Calipari a lot,’’ Rivers says,
Alienating his entire fanbase in one fell swoop.
“and when I told him what was happening he said, ‘Just make sure you don’t leave the campus without his commitment.’ And he never did go to another campus.’’
Ainge, the orchestrator of this whole thing, is now downplaying it.
Rasheed? Meh, he sucks.
“I don’t think that was the difference,’’ he insists. “He was on an emotional high right afterward, but he didn’t make his decision for a few days. I think it came down to who these guys are on the court. He had witnessed it from afar, and he wanted to be part of it.’’
He wanted to be a part of our old, injured action.
The GM also claims there is nothing very unusual about players being part of personnel discussions, at least in Boston.
“Red [Auerbach] would talk with Larry [Bird], Kevin [McHale], and DJ [Dennis Johnson] about players,’’ Ainge says. “We would all say, ‘We don’t want to play with this guy,’ or “We’d like to play with that guy.’ ’’
And then he’d just go out and sign some white guy, anyway.
Red was always ahead of the curve. The main reason he plucked Don Nelson off waivers was that Tom Heinsohn, among others, told Red they did not like to play against him.
He was always trying to bite us and screaming “Nnnnnellie Ball!” And don’t get near that guy at a cockfight.
But that was Red, and this is Boston. It’s not like that everywhere, as he knows, Doc knows, and the players know.
And you know. And I know. And the moon knows. Goodnight, moon.
This organization sees the management-player relationship as a partnership.
LOL, gay..
“They understand our needs and we understand their needs,’’ Allen says.
Goodness!
In all candor, it’s easy for everyone to say this now, one championship later. It wasn’t all that long ago that Pierce was afraid he’d be playing out his career as the best player on a bad, or, at best, mediocre, team. Then Ainge was able to trade for Allen, and thus KG, who would never have remotely entertained a move to Boston otherwise, agreed to come here and - Voila! - a Big Three and championship No. 17.
You might even say that anything is possible.
Now Paul, KG, and Ray are senior members of the firm, and are included in policy planning.
Teehee! It’s like their businessmen!
“My belief is that players know a lot,’’ Ainge says.
Oh, Danny! What a card!
“They’re bright, very bright.
He’s on a roll!
They have great insights.
I’d be stupid not to listen to Kevin, Paul, and Ray. I may not always agree, but I’ve got to listen.’’
You know, Ubuntu and all that shit.
There weren’t any disputes on this one. The Big Three wanted Rasheed. The coach, the GM, and the managing partner wanted Rasheed. And Rasheed decided that joining the Celtics was likewise in his best interest.
“He was only going to a team he thought could win,’’ Rivers says. “So I hope he’s right. I hope he’s a good talent evaluator.’’
Because if he isn’t, HE’S FUCKIN’ FIRED!
But those other teams are all pretty good. There was really only one big thing separating them.
“San Antonio, Cleveland, Orlando, none of those other teams brought players,’’ points out Allen.
And that’s a fact.
And that’s..
Bob Ryan is a Globe columnist and host of Globe 10.0 on Boston.com. He can be reached at ryan@globe.com.
~~~
Welp. Another Bob Ryan drivelin’ devil down. I was shocked & mildly appalled that Bob Ryan wasn’t shocked & mildly appalled by the ‘Sheed trade. But I guess, after last season, as a Celtics fan you’ll talk yourself into a lotta things. I just hope next season we stay a little more healthy and nobody gets sick. Because that could be…
…fatal.
Imagine my disappointment when the Celtics season came to a close and I realized one thing: No more Dan Shaughnessy/Bob Ryan slamfests. Non-basketball-related zingers can still be found here all summer long at the crappiest website in Crapland (where’d you learn to format? back of a cereal box), but no clean-cut pretty Wordpress posts with awesome photoshops and Bob Ryan’s trademark windbag grin.
Now, imagine my jubilant surprise when I open up the Globe this morning (the inkless version) to find…dun dunaNA! A Bob Ryan basketball column!
Must be about the Celtics somehow.. KG’s knee? Big Baby’s contract? Doc Rivers’ plummet back to mortal Earth? Rajon Rondo’s ascension to godliness?
Nope. It’s about the failure that is Lebron Cornelius James.
It’s been twenty days since I’ve hurt Irishmen’s feelings. Lemme see if I remember how..
Let the hate flow from your fingers like a thousand crystal shards.. (more…)
It’s been a while since we emotionally & physically destroyed a round Irishman..
In case you forgot: Bob Ryan is a pompous windbag.
To the zingers!..
Game-Changing Developments
Snappy title. Was “Basketball Game I Watched While Fumbling Through Cushions For Last Frito” already taken?
You’re an NBA rookie named Doc Rivers,
No I’m not. I’m a jerk who works for an insurance company (and makes fun of past-their-prime ovals) named Ethan Booker.
and someone tells you the day will come when you will be a coach in this league and the opposing team in a playoff series will have a starting front line as follows:
It will be 6-11, 6-10, 6-10.
Who is this magical shaman who uses his mystical powers to infer the size of my formidable opponent! He’s a witch! Off with his head!
The 6-10 forwards will each be certified 3-point shooters.
It’s true. Stan Van gave them gold stars and everything.
Two of them will never have gone to college and the third will be a native of Turkey.
Oh yeah, and your lymphnodes will be the size of guava fruit and it’ll sound like you’re having a hernia every time you talk.
And your 1983 response would have been?
“Isn’t Turkey currently under a State of Emergency? How did he get out? I READ THE PAPER!”
“Not possible,” Rivers says. “I wouldn’t have thought that possible.
Whoa, holy shit. Bob actually went back in time to ask him? Maybe he still is a good journalist. Going to all that effort to create time travel and all..
If a guy like that took a three back in those days, he’d probably be suspended. I know he wouldn’t be playing.”
They’d probably just take him out behind the arena and shoot him.
“You’re tall! You don’t shoot threes! Stop it!”
Unfortunately for Doc, Orlando Magic counterpart Stan Van Gundy is not likely to be benching Rashard Lewis and Hedo Turkoglu before this series is over.
I don’t know. He’s getting that glint in his eye. I wouldn’t put it past him.
“My star player’s gonna push me out this summer. Fuck it! Battie, you’re running the point!”
They’re his guys, and firing up threes is a very big part of their games.
That and complaining about foul calls. That’s the other part.
As for Dwight Howard, he’s no 3-point shooter.
Or is he?..
Dum dum dummmm….
He’s just a modern version of an old-fashioned, butt-kicking, low-post center.
I can’t believe he never gets T’d up for kicking all those butts. Glen Davis’ ass is redder than a Cherokee in August. Not that I’ve been filming him change from across the alley..
If he’s shooting a three (0 for 2 this season, 1 for 12 lifetime), it means he has somehow been stuck with the ball in a very bad place with the shot clock running down.
Help me! I’m lost and I’m behind the three point line!
/shoots flare gun
The 23-year-old Howard and the 29-year-old Lewis were each drafted out of high school. The 30-year-old Turkoglu is a Turk.
You know what rhymes with Turk? Jerk! ‘Nuff said.
Easily my least-favorite Turk since this guy: 
Neither of these phenomena would have been imaginable to the 1983 Doc Rivers, either.
It’s been recorded as fact that Doc Rivers didn’t develop an imagination until watching an episode of Murphy Brown in early 1991. After hearing another of Charles Kimbrough’s classic sass-backs, Doc was heard to exclaim, “Eureka!”
The Magic starting front line represents a microcosm of the 21st-century NBA.
Overrated & on steroids?
Actually that sounds about right..
The 3-point shot’s evolution is a fascinating story.
It didn’t exist. And then it existed.
FASCINATION!
In Doc’s rookie year of 1983-84, his Atlanta Hawks made 23 three-pointers all season.
Their team slogan that year was: Not Much Huckin’.
This season, Lewis made 226 and Turkoglu made 134.
That 226 (actually 220, Bob’s eyes are still recovering from the face explosion) looks good until you see the 554 he hoisted. DWIGHT HOWARD NEEDS HIS TOUCHES!
That Atlanta ‘83-84 total is a shocking revelation to a contemporary NBA fan,
I am shocked, and a little gassy.
but it was not out of line.
I am not as shocked!
That wasn’t even the lowest total in the league.
I am utterly unshocked!
The Bulls made only 20 threes.
Zounds! Statistics!
Other amazing totals: San Diego 24, Portland 25, Seattle 27, Philadelphia 29. The league leader, and by a wide margin, was Utah, with 101, the reason being Darrell Griffith, who had 91 of them.
Three-Hog.
(If you had been awarded extra points for shot arc, Griffith might have led the league in scoring.)
What other arbitrary aspects of peoples’ games can we come up with?
If you had been awarded extra assist totals for crotch-bunchage, John Stockton would still be the all-time leader.
If you had been awarded a better shooting percentage for having a poor shooting percentage, people with very poor shooting percentages would have better shooting percentages.
If you had been awarded cake for eating lots of cake, Bob Ryan’s belly would have exploded long before his face did.
Power forwards knew their place, and it wasn’t out by the arc.
It was in the kitchen, making me dinner!
“Stop boxing me out and pass the carrots, woman!”
“Fours [power forwards] and 5’s [centers] were all bangers,” notes Rivers.
They were all British sausage? Oh my God..
“British sausage is people! Very large people!!!”
“We had Dan Roundfield at 4 and Tree Rollins at 5. Roundfield didn’t go very far from the basket [he was 0 for 11 on threes], and we didn’t throw Tree the ball at all.
Yeah, fuck you Tree!
“The skill level has changed, especially at the 4 spot. Now you run pick-and-rolls with 4’s and 5’s. And it’s not usually a pick-and-roll; it’s a pick-and-pop.
“Sounds like my herpes sore removal process!” - Delonte West
That’s all you hear: pick-and-pop. That’s essentially what Baby [Glen Davis] did to get that big shot in Game 4. It was a pick-and-pop.”
Danny Ainge feels all that business may have started right here with Larry Bird.
And then his heart exploded.
“Larry was a small forward, but he played a lot of power forward,” Ainge points out. “Larry wasn’t a guy who grew up shooting the three. He was just a great shooter, period. But guys now grow up shooting the three. It has become an integral part of the game. It’s a priority of many offenses.”
We call them “Shitty Offenses.”
We now have a totally different basketball world, one in which Cleveland has a 7-3 Lithuanian center (Zydrunas Ilgauskas) who’d rather launch an 18-footer than plant his large carcass down in the paint
Fuckin’ Lithuanians! They’re worse than the Turks!
and in which Dallas has a 7-foot German
(ahem) Nazi! (ahem)
(Dirk Nowitzki) whose 3-point shooting is a devastating weapon.
And notice, please, the nationalities.
Notice, please, that they’re all filthy Europeans.
“I couldn’t have envisioned that when I was a rookie, either,” says Rivers. “I guess I kind of knew some Europeans were legit,
Some were even too legit. And some would, in fact, not quit.
and you knew some would wind up playing in our league, but you couldn’t imagine it becoming as worldwide as it is.”
“When I was in college [BYU], we played the Russian national team, and they had some good players,” says Ainge.
If ya like dirty red Commies!
“I had respect for the good European players. But now it is completely global, with the best players from France, Germany, Canada, and China all playing here.
Doesn’t get anymore globaler than Canada.
That’s why this is the best league in the world.”
Better than that one full of extraordinary gentlemen? My!
Ainge and Rivers are reasonably contemporary, with the GM preceding his coach as an NBA player by two years. That was the in-between period, when no high school players were entering the draft. That small first crop (Moses Malone, Darryl Dawkins, Bill Willoughby, etc.) were making their mark,
And what a helluva mark ‘ol Bill WIlloughby made!
and the second wave, led by Kevin Garnett, had yet to materialize.
The world wasn’t yet ready for this level of intensity..
In the early ’90s, it was generally agreed that what those first three had done was an isolated phenomenon and the NBA would never have to deal with teeny-boppers again.
With their juice boxes and their cassette tape players and their complicated shoes!
Then came Garnett, a young man from South Carolina via Chicago who believed he was good enough to play in the league right now.
Wait, he thought then that he was good enough to play now? Why did he enter then, then? Why didn’t he wait ’til now?
“My first thought was, ‘No way!’ ” says Rivers,
And then I was like, “Oh no you din’n't!” And then I was like, “Awwwww sheeeeyitttt!”
who had entered the 1983 draft following his junior year at Marquette. “There’s no way you can play coming out of high school.”
Then he saw Garnett play.
“I actually did say, ‘OK, I was wrong. The kid can play.’ “
Lewis offered himself up for the 1998 draft after a successful career at Alief (Texas) High School. The Sonics took him in the second round, and he is now concluding his 11th season. He is a three-time 20-ppg scorer, and you’d certainly have to say his career choice was wise.
Yeah, he duped the Magic out of hundreds of millions of dollars and has never been out of the second round; when he could’ve gone to a school like Texas for four years, taken them to a couple Final Fours and come into the NBA as one of the premier forwards in the league and still gotten all that money and probably have taken a team to the Conference Finals by now and not been such a whiny immature bitch every time a ticky-tack foul is called. Wise career choice.
Howard was the ultimate, the first pick in the 2004 draft. The Magic had to choose between this sculpted kid from Southwest Atlanta Christian Academy
Whoa, easy there Bob.
“And you should see his ass. Cut. Out. Of marble.”
and the best college player on the best college team, Connecticut center Emeka Okafor.
God bless you.
The latter has had an OK career for the Charlotte Bobcats,
The Charlotte What-Nows?
and he keeps getting better, but he’s not close to an All-Star.
Actually, he’s sorta very close. If Ree-Shard Lewis can be an All-Star, Emeka can.
Howard is, by acclamation, the best center in the league,
Bold statements, brought to you by the Boston Globe: In business for the next three months.
a shot-blocking and rebounding machine who can also get you 30 points if not monitored properly in the low post.
Thanks for the plug, Bob. Much appreciated.
He has had five great seasons in the league, and he won’t turn 24 until Dec. 8.
And he smiles a lot. Don’t forget the smiles!
Turkoglu began playing professionally in Turkey at age 17.
Ugh, Turkey? Might as well play in a trash dump.
At least he didn’t play in that whore factory known as Lithuania! Or Nazi Germany, for that matter!
He was a 2000 No. 1 pick (16th overall) by the Sacramento Kings. He has been a mainstay of the Turkish national team, and his entire profile is that of a modern player, from the extensive international background to his proficiency with the three.
Howard-Lewis-Turkoglu: It’s the quintessential futuristic NBA front line, except that the future is now.
The Future Is Now.
I give you…FUTURE ORLANDO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bob Ryan is a Globe columnist and can be reached at ryan@globe.com.
~~~
Random Bob Ryan Face ‘Splodin’ pic: 
If the Magic frontline is the future I’m getting in Bob Ryan’s time machine back to 1983 lickity-quick.
Besides, Future Orlando’s always under constant surveillance for the ongoing threat known as Space Bear.
I’ve made an executive decision to begin limiting the number of Ryan/Shaughnessy Lowposts slam-fests to one per week, as there’s going to be an assload during the playoffs (at least for the next week..) and I don’t want this site turning into a funnier (negligible) version of CelticsHub. (CelticsBlog is better, anyway..)
(The rest of the Celtics columns and any non-basketball columns still getting lampooned on ethanbooker.com. Ethanbooker.com: Feel the power.)
But I could just not resist today’s post on Bob Ryan’s “blog.” Bob Ryan’s blog “And Another Thing…” nestles right next to his column archive, and his blog posts are basically just shorter columns. And honestly, a lot of the posts are better than his columns of late; which is really saying nothing at all.
To the satire! (more…)
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