(Toyota Chairman Fujio Cho is playing with his Japanese robot-son..)
Cho: B-flat! Where you learn play trumpet?
Assistant: Mr. Cho. We have a problem.
Cho: You hear my son play trumpet?
Assistant: Yes, he’s very good sir. It’s the Americans, Mr. Cho. They’ve screwed it all up.
Cho: Oh, what they do now?
Assistant: They’ve been concealing vital information that led to the death of hundreds.
Cho: Oh. That not good.
(Warriors swingman Stephen Jackson is sitting in the NBA Gazebo, chugging vodka, when Mavericks guard Matt Carroll sits down next to him..)
Carroll: These gosh-darn Adirondack chairs are more comfortable than a barrel full of kittens! Nothing beats a good sit, eh Stephen Alvarez Jackson of the Golden State (Northern California/Bay Area) Warriors basketball program?
Jackson: (sighs)
Carroll: What are you so down in the dumps on the far side of town about, Captain of the Jacks?
Jackson: I’m just prayin’ to Cyborg Jesus I get traded! (more…)
Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.
Y’all Don’t Know is an ongoing exploration into all that is sinister, weird, creepy-crawly and loosey-goosey around us.
Did you know that there are mysterious, unexplainable energies whirling all around us as we speak? NO! ‘Cause Y’all Don’t Know!
Today on Y’all Don’t Know, we’re gonna talk about Jesus! (more…)
(Lebron James & University of Kentucky freshman John Wall are relaxing on the back porch of Coach Calipari’s Lexington plantation..)
James: (sighs) It’s nice here..
Wall: Yup.
James: When do you start classes?
Wall: (snickers) (more…)
(New Buck Brandon Jennings logs onto teammate Andrew Bogut’s blog..)
Jennings: Let’s see what all this about.
Blogut: [Log In]
Jennings: What the what? I gotta register?
Blogut: [Log In]
Jennings: Alright computer, damn! I’m loggin’ in. (more…)
(Eddy Curry logs onto his Skype..)
Curry: Heyyyyy Zach.
Randolph: Heyyyy Eddyyyyy.
Curry: How’s LA?
Randolph: Oh, you know. Same shit, different colon.
Curry: So, Zach. I need to ask you something.
Randolph: Anything, bumpkins.
Curry: Why IN THE FUCK did you change our Facebook relationship status to “It’s Complicated”?! (more…)
The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ is an ongoing project, exploring the potential destinations of a man who’s trying to win a title and can’t be bothered with silly future team questions right now, thank you very much - Lebron James. All thirty teams (and perhaps some European squads) will be analyzed and awarded an arbitrary percentage on their odds of being Lebronorized. Past teams can be accessed here.
Today: The Milwaukee Bucks.. (more…)
(One afternoon in the Mavericks locker room..)
Howard: And then you like, “Well ya better go catch it, n*gga!”
Carroll: Oh, chortle! (chortles)
Howard: (giggles)
Carroll: (turns to Josh, grinning) It’s ringing!
Howard: (giggles)
Stern: Hello? David Stern’s office.. (more…)
(A month ago, Milwaukee Bucks center Andrew Bogut went down with a severe back injury that may keep him out for the rest of the year. The following is the harrowing tale of Bogut! since that fateful fall..)
Bogut: (lands in cloudy abyss) WHUMP! Ow, Bogut!
Radja: Greetings, young Bogut!
Bogut: (confused) Bogut?
Radja: You must be wondering where you are.
Bogut: (nods)
Radja: Welcome…to Basketball Heaven!
(Bogut looks around at the endless expanse of clouds and tall men with wings wandering around..)
Bogut: Guf-faw? (more…)
Bogut: Boom-ba-Bogut Ba-boom-Bogut
Boom-ba-Bogut Ba-boom-Bogut..
Alexander: My name’s Joe Alexander, I’m the rookie of the year
My n*gga M-Redd broke his leg like a queer
Now J-Rapexander’s gotta carry the load
I’m ’bout to take the Bucks into fuckin’ Beast Mode
OJ Mayo can’t shoot for shit
And Rudy Fernandez is a mark-ass bitch
Derrick Rose can’t even cut a fuckin’ apple
Brook & Robin Lopez at a gay wedding chapel
Greg Oden’s old, Mo Speights is fat
With an ‘F’, not a ‘Ph’, better get ya gat
‘Cause J-Rapexander’s ridin’ out on dem hoes
Get a new paycheck, pocketful of 0’s
Kevin Love’s too white, Roy Hibbert’s too black
Russel Westbrook’s just mothafuckin’ wack
My teammate Luc, he’s French, so fuck ‘im
If I ever see Gasol, I’m-a buck-buck-buck ‘im
That Chinese guy, yeah he also sucks
And about the other rookies, couldn’t give two fucks.
Bogut: Biggidy-biggidy-biggidy-biggidy-Bogutttttt!
Alexander: (striking B-Boy pose) Flow Alexander..
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