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The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ is an ongoing project, exploring the potential destinations of a man who insists you capitalize the ‘b’ - Lebron James. All thirty teams (and perhaps some European squads) will be analyzed and awarded an arbitrary percentage on their odds of being Lebronorized. Past teams can be accessed here.

Today:  The Chicago Bulls.. (more…)

I'm not sure Brent Price got the memo here... (Image courtesy of SactownRoyalty.com)

While Hedo Turkoglu shouldn’t quit his day job to start a rap career, he certainly wouldn’t be the first former Sacramento King to venture into a new area of business.  In fact, Eze of A Royal Pain and I have once again joined forces to uncover what some of the teams’ best players have been up to in their post-Kings days.  Let’s take a look.

Jason Williams:  Williams couldn’t stay retired for long, and soon became a respected professor of Chinese Studies at a local university. “I went from confused to Confucius, homes!” he shouted when reached by phone. Word has it that J-Will refuses to allow his students to call him by his last name, and instead prefers to be called, “Professor White Boy.”

Read the knuckles to find out Professor Williams' name of choice.

Mike Bibby:  Bibby finally combined his two loves, basketball and manicures, to release “Bibbalicious Nail Clippers,” a grooming set designed to be used during games.  ”There were times when Rick [Adelman] would sub me back in, but I had to tell him, ‘Nah, man, not ’til I finish the acrylic tips.  I didn’t want someone to have to go through that again.”

Vlade Divac:  Vlade had a difficult time after leaving Sacramento, and his smoking habit was out of control.  ”I was smoking five packs a day, and needed help,” he confesses in his latest commercial for “Vlade’s Patch,” Nicoderm’s biggest rival.  He adds, “this is the only nicotine patch you can trust, because you know it won’t flop,” with a wink to the camera.

Vlade's Patch won't ever flop...

Scot Pollard:  Pollard opened a barbershop that specialized in Color Me Badd hairstyles and goatees, but was forced to shut down operations when Kevin Love was his best and only customer.  He then began moonlighting as a D.A.S.E. (Drug Abuse Submission Education) officer, encouraging kids to do drugs.

Brad Miller: Although he doesn’t remember how he came up with the idea, Brad’s line of snack products, “Miller’s Munchies,” has become one of the best sellers on the market. “It’s because it’s high on flavor,” he claims, before giggling uncontrollably. “Just don’t tell them who my best customer is, or he’ll end up confistacting this tape.”

Miller's Munchies are high on flavor...

Chris Webber: Still fuming after a rehabilitation center used his name without permission — “Webber’s Wehab: Knee Braces & More” — C-Webb declined to take time out for an interview.

Doug Christie: After the Christies left Sacramento, Doug’s wife was no longer able to keep tabs on her husband’s every move.  Out came, “Doug Jackie Christie’s Dog Leashes,” designed to “keep your man in check when he’s actin’ wild…like talking to some hoochie.”

This is an actual promo shot from their reality show, "Committed." I kid you not.

Bonzi Wells:  Wells took his contract negotiating skills to the financial world.  He turned down a multi-year offer from Goldman Sachs to become a Lehman Brothers intern.  When that failed to work out, he opened his own Goodwill store and is waiting for your donation.

Lawrence Funderburke:  Funderburke opened “Fundy’s Bench & Chair Shop,” the only local retailer specializing in making custom benches.  ”It’s what I know best from my time with the Kings.  I’m actually recruiting Mateen [Cleaves] to come cheer for us.  No one waves a towel like that dude.”

I'm too sexy for my shirt...

We Also Hear:

*Ronnie Price: Capitalizing on his own 15 minutes of fame, Price is now working as a celebrity acting coach for reality stars.

*Cuttino Mobley:  Mobley, along with co-founder Steve Francis, opened a highly profitable male strip club, “Anal Gleen’s.” Peja Stojakovic is their top dancer.

I’ve made an executive decision to begin limiting the number of Ryan/Shaughnessy Lowposts slam-fests to one per week, as there’s going to be an assload during the playoffs (at least for the next week..) and I don’t want this site turning into a funnier (negligible) version of CelticsHub. (CelticsBlog is better, anyway..)

(The rest of the Celtics columns and any non-basketball columns still getting lampooned on ethanbooker.com. Ethanbooker.com: Feel the power.)

But I could just not resist today’s post on Bob Ryan’s “blog.” Bob Ryan’s blog “And Another Thing…” nestles right next to his column archive, and his blog posts are basically just shorter columns. And honestly, a lot of the posts are better than his columns of late; which is really saying nothing at all.

To the satire! (more…)

The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..

Round 1: #2 Boston Celtics vs. #7 Chicago Bulls.. (more…)

The NBA All-Star game is supposed to showcase the league’s best players, but deciding who should be selected is hardly an exact science.  Top teams are generally rewarded with multiple All-Stars, while conversely, players who put up good numbers on losing teams are oftentimes overlooked.  In addition, position scarcity (most notably at center), sometimes leads to otherwise undeserving players getting chosen by the two sweetest words in the English language — default.  All that being said, some names just look wrong in the All-Star game boxscore under any circumstances.  I present to you, the Non-All-Star Team.

1. Jamal Magloire (2004): Magloire had a career year in 2003/04, averaging 14 points and 10 rebounds per game, which was enough to make the ridiculously weak Eastern Conference squad. He’s since played for five other teams, and convinced the Heat to sign him to a two-year contract after coming off a season in which he put up a whopping 2 points and 3 rebounds for the Nets and Mavericks. All because he’s a “former NBA All-Star.”

2. Dale Davis (2000): I guess this is a “lifetime achievement award,” where coaches decide a player deserves to be recognized for doing the dirty work on a bunch of good teams over the last decade. Right, Dale Davis, who averaged exactly 10 points and 10 rebounds in 1999/00, was one of the top forwards in the Eastern Conference. Since I don’t have much more to add here, let’s all laugh at Davis getting Tasered by the cops after resisting arrest in 2006.

3. Tyrone Hill (1995):  Hill averaged a respectable but unspectacular 14.5 points and 11.5 rebounds in 1994/95, which were both slightly lower than the 15.0 points and 12.4 boards he averaged the year prior…and the Cavs were around .500 in both seasons. So what gives? The only explanation I have is that the league wanted to provide Halloween costume ideas for their young fans (Black Skeletor?) .

4. Chris Gatling (1997): I remember two things about Chris Gatling — his colorful headbands and the time he shook Shawn Kemp’s hand after being viciously dunked on by the Reign Man (number five in this highly entertaining video). But Gatling is also a former NBA All-Star after being named as an injury replacement in 1997. Sure, 19 points and 8 rebounds are decent numbers, but Gatling was an energy player and the ultimate NBA journeyman (8 teams in his last 7 seasons). In fact, the Mavs traded him to New Jersey just weeks after the game — now there’s an All-Star, if I’ve seen one.

5. Theo Ratliff (2001): A poor man’s Ben Wallace, Ratliff was an exceptional shot-blocker and…um, did I mention that he was good at blocking shots?  He never averaged more than 8 boards in a single season, and was basically rewarded for playing on a Finals-bound Sixers team.  Ironically, Ben Wallace didn’t make the team that year.  Oh, and also contributing to this debacle?  You, the fan, by voting Alonzo Mourning, who hadn’t played a single game that season, as an All-Star starter.

6.  Antonio Davis (2001): I’ll never understand why the commissioner chose Antonio Davis to replace the aforementioned Ratliff, who fractured his wrist prior to the game, instead of going with say, Elton Brand, Marcus Camby, or Ben Wallace. The Raptors were a 47-win team that season, so it wasn’t the team record. It must’ve been those Magloire-esque 14 points and and 10 rebounds that sealed his case.

7. Nick Van Exel (1998): The Lakers had the best record in the league in 1997/98, but did they really need a fourth All-Star to go along with Shaq, Kobe, and Eddie Jones? And on top of that, Van Exel was averaging an uninspiring 14 points and 7 assists on 42% shooting, down from 15 points and 9 assists the year prior. Fittingly he shot 5 of 14 (36%) in the game, though at least no officials were shoved into the scorers’ table.

8.  B.J. Armstrong (1994):   Was Armstrong (16 points and 4 assists) one of the top five point guards in the NBA?  Top 10?  Top 20?   The only reason I put him this low, is that the fans voted him in as starter, and plus, 1994 was just a weird year for All-Stars, with first and only appearances from John Starks, Horace Grant, Mookie Blaylock, and Charles Oakley. But even Phil Jackson was surprised at Armstrong’s selection, joking that there must’ve been All-Star ballots in teen magazines.

9. Wally Szczerbiak (2002): It’s a sad day for the NBA when a spot-shooting specialist can call himself an All-Star.  There’s still a chance, J.J. Redick!  Not only were Wally World’s 19 points and 5 rebounds mediocre at best, but he was chosen over the likes of Shawn Marion and Michael Finley. And plus, I’m pretty sure there was more defense played in the 135-120 Western Conference win than in Szczerbiak’s entire career.

10.  Anthony Mason (2001):  Yet another questionable selection for the East in 2001.  Mason developed into a solid all-round player, and put up his usual 16 points, 10 boards, and 4 assists that season, but would anyone consider him as All-Star-caliber?  He was a bruising enforcer who’s more remembered for shaving logos and slogans into the side of his head and having the ugliest foul shooting form known to man.  Just kidding, Mr. Mason!

Unforgivable!

Dishonorable Mention: A few other slightly more justifiable examples of white guys being picked because they’re very tall.

Rik Smits (1998)
Vlade Divac (2001)
Brad Miller (2003, 2004)
Zydrunas Ilgauskas (2005)
Mehmet Okur (2007)

(Brad Miller is weary from the journey and takes a knee in the sand, wiping his brow)

Miller: Cripes, I’m beat.

(Spencer Hawes is hustling behind him)

Hawes: Wait up, Brad!

(Miller looks back and rolls his eyes)

Miller: How’d you find me?

Hawes: (heaving)  GPS.. (more…)

Bird and Laimbeer share a laugh.

Back in the ’70s, NBA fights were routine, and players were rarely fined, much less suspended for their actions.  That all changed when Kermit Washington delivered “The Punch” to Rudy Tomjanovich’s skull, earning him a 60-day league-mandated suspension.  In the 80’s, Bill Laimbeer of the Detroit Pistons’ Baby Boys was known more his fighing than his rebounding (and he got his butt kicked on more than one occasion).  And of course, we all know about the “The Malice at the Palace,” which was the most serious and damaging brawl in NBA history.  But what about the most memorable minor scuffles and slap-fests of the last 20 years?  Let’s take a look.

1.  Alonzo Mourning vs. Larry Johnson (with Jeff Van Gundy) - 4/30/98:

In the final seconds of Game 4 of the 1st Round playoffs (2:35 mark in the video), Larry Johnson shoved his former Hornets teammate, and Zo retaliated by attempting to throw a punch. The two swung and missed more times than Ryan Howard, but neither was able to connect. The best part is that Knicks coach Jeff Van Gundy dived to the ground and grabbed Mourning’s leg while being dragged along the court. This will never be topped. The fight came on the heels of a 1997 brawl, when P.J. Brown flipped Charlie Ward over his head and body-slammed him, resulting in a bench-clearing melee and multiple suspensions for both teams.

2. Chris Mills vs. Bonzi Wells - 12/20/02:

Oh, if only we had video. Mills and Wells were ejected after getting into a shoving match on the court as the game ended, but it didn’t stop there. After Mills couldn’t break into the Blazers’ locker room to confront his enemy, he and and his cousin parked their car in front of Portland’s team bus as it was pulling away from the stadium. He challenged Wells to come out, and then followed the bus all the way out to the airport before driving away. Mills has denied that he was carrying a gun, but would that really surprise anyone? He was suspended three games and Wells was suspended for two.

3. Shaquille O’Neal vs. Brad Miller (with Charles Oakley) - 1/12/02:

Shaq didn’t appreciate a few hard fouls by the Bulls, and took his frustrations out on an unsuspecting Brad Miller. After a flagrant foul courtesy of Charles Oakley, the Diesel reacted by throwing a haymaker at the back of Miller’s head. Luckily, he didn’t connect, or the the Kings wouldn’t have their starting center today. A brawl spilled into the stands, resulting in multiple suspensions; Shaq was suspended for three games, Oak and Miller received one game each.

4. Carmelo Anthony vs. Nate Robinson/Mardy Collins - 12/16/06:

Isiah warned you not to go into the lane! Marty Collins fouled J.R. Smith towards the end of the game, and the two exchanged shoves and had to be separated. And then for some reason, Nate Robinson came into the picture and tackled Smith into the stands. Just when it looked to be over, Melo decided to throw a sucker-punch at Collins, and then back-pedaled away from an irate Robinson. Don’t worry Melo, we all see the Bitch in Yoo for that one. The suspensions were lengthy (games): Anthony (15), Robinson (10), Collins (6), Jared Jeffries (4), plus one game for Jerome James and Nene for leaving the bench area.

5.  Kevin Johnson vs. Doc Rivers (with Greg Anthony) - 3/24/93:

Kevin Johnson body-blocked Doc Rivers to the floor with a stiff forearm, and Rivers charged after him. That precipitated a bench-clearing brawl, that escalated to new heights when Greg Anthony, wearing street clothes, ran in to throw a cheap shot at Johnson just when the fight was being diffused. Anthony was suspended for five games; Johnson and Rivers for two games apiece. Remember that this was 1993 — just imagine what kind of penalties they’d receive today…

6. Kenyon Martin vs. Corey Maggette - 1/6/04:

After Martin committed a hard foul on Maggette, Corey sprung back up and shoved K-Mart to the floor. So, what does Martin do to retaliate? He doesn’t run away like some punk (*cough* Melo *cough*), but jumps back up and gives Maggette a deadly right and left combination before being restrained by his teammates. Maggette, meanwhile, gets held back by Richard Jefferson and takes his beating. Both players were suspended for two games.

7. Kobe Bryant vs. Chris Childs - 4/3/00:

I could’ve put Kobe vs. Ray Allen or Reggie Miller instead but they’re really all the same. Some shoving from both sides and much more talk than action. This one is probably my favorite, just because Childs retaliated to Kobe’s weak elbow with some kind of forearm/punch to the throat (see here) that Kobe seemed to just take. A few more punches were thrown, but of course none of them landed. It’s just a typical NBA scuffle, highlighted only by the star name involved.

8. Marcus Camby vs. Danny Ferry (with Jeff Van Gundy) - 1/15/01:

After getting poked in the eye by Danny Ferry, Marcus Camby took a running start and and threw a windmill punch, despite being held back by several teammates. He ended up missing, because his coach, Jeff Van Gundy (who else), jumped between the two players to break it up. The man is like a bodyguard taking a bullet for the president. Camby was suspended for five games, Ferry for one (not really sure why), and Van Gundy ended up receiving 15…stitches.

9. Karl Malone vs. Dennis Rodman (with Hulk Hogan) - 7/12/98:

Rodman and Malone had so many memorable battles in the Bulls/Jazz Finals on 1997 and 1998, that they decided to settle it once and for all in the wrestling ring. Despite being staged and fake, it remains one of the better fights among NBA players. Here’s a clip from Bash at the Beach 1998 — um, enjoy?

10. Shareef Abdur-Rahim vs. Kenny Thomas - 1/19/02:

Punches slaps were thrown, and both players were ejected and received one-game suspensions. Only mentioned because they’d go on to be teammates in Sacramento and would fight for the starting forward job. Just imagine the locker room tension.

Honorable Mention:

*Latrell Sprewell vs. P.J. Carlesimo - 12/4/97: Spree chocked his coach and earned a 68-game suspension. It didn’t happen on the court, and it’s too bad that we’ll never know how it really went down. Also see: Sprewell vs. yacht wall.

*Matt Bonner vs. Kevin Garnett - 12/15/04:  Yeah, that doesn’t seem like a fair fight. But who knew the Red Rocket had it in him?

*Candace Parker vs. Plenette Pierson (WNBA) - 7/23/08:  I’d rather not talk about this…

The NBA is obviously a hotbed of crazy tattoos.  But while some are creative works of art, others are as generic and unoriginal as they come.  The majority of NBA tats can be grouped into several categories, ranging from standard nicknames to the increasingly-popular use of Chinese characters.  Let’s take a look at each of these and decide which player pulls it off better than the others.  You know, kinda like that US Weekly feature, Who Wore it Best?  Um, wait, forget I said that…

Cartoon Network

Greg Ostertag

Brad Miller

Tim Duncan

Thanks for playing, Brad and Greg (and Damon “Mighty Mouse” Stoudamire), but Timmy is the clear winner here. A serious Dungeons & Dragons fanatic, Duncan has a tattoo of Merlin the Magician (his “alter-ego”) on his back, and another one of Skeleton Jester on his chest. According to the San Antonio Express-News, he actually wanted the back of his NBA jersey to read, “Merlin,” but was denied by the league.  The NBA — where amazing nerdiness happens!

Esoteric Chinese Characters

Shawn Marion

Marquis Daniels

Marcus Camby

We’ll need to consult the fantastic website hanzismatter.com for help with this one. Marion’s tat is supposed to read, “Matrix,” but the literal Chinese translation is “Demon Bird Moth Balls.” Similarly, Daniels’ tattoo is supposed to be of his initials (MAD), but turns out to mean “Healthy Woman Roof.” Camby somehow managed to get his message across correctly (his tattoos mean “strive to be the best” and “clan”), but he makes the cut over a few others for choosing Chinese characters because he “was into a lot of [kung fu] movies.”  His former Nuggets teammate, Kenyon Martin, has a tattoo that’s he thinks means “never satisfied,” but actually reads something a tad less noble: ”to worry about personal gains and losses.”  Daniels gets the prize here — only because he’ll make another appearance right about now…

Fun With Guns

Stephen Jackson

Marquis Daniels

Cherokee Parks

Once again, Daniels wins easily — his tattoo features a guy blowing his head off with a shotgun, while pulling the trigger with his toe. Um…yeah, not much to add here.  Jackson added a tattoo of a pair of praying hands holding a gun on his stomach — in hopes of never using a weapon again — and Parks has an inexplicable (but somehow fitting) gun-toting naked woman on his leg.

My Neck, My Back…

Jameer Nelson

DeShawn Stevenson

LeBron James

Back: It’s a close call, because Jameer Nelson’s 2Pac shout-out scores major points here. But I’m giving it to the originator, LeBron, whose hairy back needed to be waxed four times before that modest message could be applied.

Allen Iverson

Matt Barnes

Kenyon Martin

Neck:  If we’ve learned anything here, it’s that anyone who gets a neck tattoo is not messing around.  I’m going to declare this an unprecedented three-way tie.  Iverson has A LOT of tattoos, and all of them have special meanings, but Matt Barnes is giving AI a run for his money with his staggering collection of bodily art.  Not to be outdone, the pair of lips on Kenyon Martin’s neck are apparently dedicated to his girlfriend (not sure which one).  Dishonorable mention goes to Amare Stoudemire’s choice of lame nickname, which he tattooed in script, and Delonte West, who really creeps me out for some reason.

What’s My Name?

Richard Jefferson

Jason Williams

Mike Bibby

Another tough one. As much as I like the fact that Bibby (who really likes being tattooed) has not one, but two separate tats with his name (plus a couple of others that we’ll discuss shortly), I have to give this one to “White Chocolate.”  You can’t go wrong with a guy who spells out “white boy” across his knuckles.  Props to Jefferson for busting out his etch-a-sketch to make a design, and I’m obligated to mention Lonny Baxter’s shoulder initials, just so he won’t kill me…let’s move on.

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Cover-Up

Chauncey Billups

Mike Bibby

Mike Bibby

A second pair of tats from Bibby — he may not play in Sacramento anymore, but he’s still a King…of Bad Tattoos.  Look closely on the first one, and you’ll notice that yet another “Bibby” is covered up by the cross; the second one has “Tone R.I.P” within the net in memory of a friend, which is admirable, but doesn’t really make much sense.  Nonetheless, he loses out to Billups here.  Chauncey claims the “King of the Hill” tattoo is a reference to his old neighborhood, Park Hill.  Yet, it bears a striking resemblance to the logo of the team that drafted him back in 1997 — the Boston Celtics.  Hmm…is he actually fooling anyone?

Mr. Rodman, you have company…

Robert Swift: 2005

Robert Swift: 2006

Robert Swift: 2007

Honestly, I have no words…