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Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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It’s highly unlikely that a woman will ever play in the NBA, since even the tallest female would have trouble dealing with the size, strength, and athleticism of a men’s basketball league (picture Manute Bol guarding Shaq in the post).  Even still, few would argue that WNBA superstar Candace Parker, for one, has less pure talent than the likes of Kwame Brown, Darko Milicic, and of course, her husband Shelden Williams. As 6′8″ college freshman Brittney Griner continues to dominate against female competition and spark debate over whether she could be the first woman to break the barrier, let’s take a look at some of the NBA’s female basketball pioneers (insert Joakim Noah joke here).

Nancy Lieberman: Before her storied WNBA career, which included a brief comeback as a player last season at age 50 (take that, Jordan!), Lieberman was the first woman to play against men professionally in the United States Basketball League. She later attended NBA summer camps with the Lakers and Jazz in the mid-80’s, and became the first woman to play for the Washington Generals. Unfortunately, she still couldn’t help them beat the Harlem Globetrotters. Last week, Lieberman became the first female head coach in NBDL history, and could eventually become the first woman to coach in the NBA. Not to mention, she’s still smoking hot for a 51-year-old. Um, let’s move on.

Lusia Harris: Harris remains the first and only woman to be drafted by an NBA team after she was selected in the seventh round of the 1977 Draft (137th overall) by the New Orleans Jazz. Because she was pregnant at the time, team officials believed they owned the future draft rights to her unborn child (this actually happened, I kid you not). Although she never played in the NBA, Harris became the first female inductee into the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame, and would still undoubtedly play better defense for the Jazz than Carlos Boozer.

Ann Meyers: In September 1979, Meyers inked a $50,000 contract with the Indiana Pacers, becoming the first and only woman to sign with and try out for an NBA team. She didn’t end up making the final cut, since clearly, when you have the chance to keep Corky Calhoun and John Kuester, you’ve got to do it. Many have since argued that Meyer’s invitation was largely a publicity stunt by the cash-starved Pacers, hardly surprising since Indiana reportedly lost close to $30 million last season. So, what’s Candace’s number again?

Cheryl Miller: Way before Candace Parker, there was Cheryl Miller, who is still widely considered as a better basketball player than her NBA All-Star brother, Reggie. Drafted by the USBL a few years after Lieberman, Miller’s playing career was derailed after a series of knee injuries.  She’s served as an NBA broadcaster for TNT Sports, and became the first female analyst to call a nationally televised NBA game in 1996.  And in case anyone was wondering if she could’ve held her own against male competition, Miller defended herself splendidly against Scot Pollard.

Violet Palmer: Palmer (along with Denise Kantner), became the first woman to referee a regular season game for any all-male professional sports league on October 31, 1997. Palmer remains the only female among the league’s 59-member officiating staff, and became the first woman to referee an NBA playoff game in 2006. While her officiating competence has come under scrutiny, any basketball fan would gladly take her over Bennett Salvatore (one of my favorite clips ever, by the way).

My fondest memory of Palmer was the time Jason Kidd slapped her on the butt during her first season. While the commentators laughed at the incident, Palmer acted as if nothing happened. It was just the right amount of awkwardness and awesomeness that always made me appreciate her style. And made me realize that Jason Kidd is a douche.

The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ is an ongoing project, exploring the potential destinations of a man who insists you capitalize the ‘b’ - Lebron James. All thirty teams (and perhaps some European squads) will be analyzed and awarded an arbitrary percentage on their odds of being Lebronorized. Past teams can be accessed here.

Today:  The Utah Jazz.. (more…)

The 2009 NBA Draft is nearly upon us.

‘Tis nigh. ‘Tis nigh!

And what better way to ring in draft week than with our very own Anthony Charles Xavier Mason.

Let the mocking and drafting begin.. (more…)

There’s a lot to an athlete’s name. A professional ball player is a worldwide celebrity whose likeness appears on television, official league websites, and countless publications. While most athletes’ names sound common or “normal,” quite a few, such as Rusty Kuntz and Dick Trickle, or even Luol Deng or Rudy Gay, are hard to say with a straight face. Sometimes, even initials like B.J. end up sounding awkward and uncomfortable when they’re mentioned by TV announcers. Here are some of the coolest and funniest (non-nickname) names we’ve heard in the NBA.

1. Boniface N’Dong: I’m sure it’s not really pronounced this way (or so I hope), but I prefer to read it as “bony face and dong.” Either way, it sounds like an awful porn name or a really uncomfortable sex position.

2. God Shammgod: I’m not sure which of these things is more offensive — naming your child “God,” or guaranteeing a future identity crisis when he realizes his last name indicates that he’s, in fact, a false deity.

3. Von Wafer: On the one hand, “Wafer,” a crisp, dry biscuit, is one of the least intimidating names for an NBA player (unless he had a horrifying Communion experience). On the other hand, he could really give Count Chocula a run for his money. Von Wafers sound delicious!

4. Uwe Blab: Not only does it sound like a bad euphemism for taking care of business (”Someone left a nasty Uwe Blab in the third stall”), but it also makes me think of the old school X-Men arcade game villain that yelled, “Nobody beats the Blob!” when you fought him. Little known fact — it’s Mike D’Antoni’s pet nickname for Eddy Curry.

5. Royal Ivey:  Now there’s a name I want to have when I’m picking up girls in a bar (Stromile Swift comes a close second). It sounds intriguing but still gives off that street vibe. And if that wasn’t gangster enough, his nickname is “Cheese,” a reference to the classic Pulp Fiction scene.

6. Travis Outlaw: I picture tumbleweeds rolling in the wind and a good ole fashioned gun fight in a Western. It’s also a shame he never had a chance to play on the Jail Blazers with that moniker, robbing us of some fantastic headlines.

7. World B. Free: His birth name is Lloyd Bernard Free, and I think changing it was a little gimmicky. I just wanted to use this time to once again laugh at his hilarious balding afro. This will never get old.

8. Zaza Pachulia / Kiki Vandeweghe: If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear these are the names of a couple of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models. Good luck trying to get that mental image out of your head.

9. Luther Head: Do I go with a “they paid too much for Head,” a “which team will get Head,” or a simple “I used to love Head in Houston” joke here? It’s an impossible decision. I haven’t tried, but this might also work with Wang Zhizhi.

10. Chubby Cox:  Yes, he was a real NBA player. Do I really need to explain?

Honorable Mention:

*Kosta Koufos / Cheikh Samb: I like mine with vegetables and chickpeas.

The Human Beatbox

*Ruben Bomutje-Boumtje: I learned how to beatbox by repeating his name over and over again on the train to work. I think I’m ready to move on to the Kelenna Azubuike remix version.

*O.J Mayo: How did he know my favorite juice and condiment combination?

*Vinny Del Negro: Because he’s white! Ha!

*Quincy Douby: Josh Howard is a big fan.

*Carlos Boozer: Insert Vin Baker joke here.

*Zarko Cabarkapa:  Cool…

*Didier Ilunga-Mbenga: …cooler…

*Nana Papa Yaw Mensah-Bonsu:  …almost there…

*Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo: …classic.

The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..

Round 1: #1 Los Angeles Lakers vs. #8 Utah Jazz.. (more…)

What better place to have a battle between the Duke Blue Devils & the UCONN Huskies than your anus.

Uranus.

Today might be the best matchup of The 2009 NBA-NCAA Challenge, Brought to you by Pepperidge Farm, first round. Which means we probably should have played this one on Friday, built up the suspense..

Fuck it. (more…)

Quick, who’s the biggest draft bust in NBA history? LaRue Martin, Chris Washburn, and Dennis Hopson might merit some consideration, but I’m guessing you thought of Sam Bowie. Selected second overall by the Portland Trail Blazers in 1984 — ahead of Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and John Stockton –he had a mediocre and injury-plagued career that serves as a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of drafting for need over potential. While many consider him to be the biggest bust in NBA history, Bowie actually had a serviceable career, especially in his later years with the Nets. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for many of the other players on this list. Here are the biggest draft blunders of the Kevin McHale era.

1. Michael Olowokandi (No. 1 by the Los Angeles Clippers, 1998): Do you think Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis, or Mike Bibby might’ve been the better pick? How about Al Harrington, Jason Williams, or even Nazr Mohammed? You get the point. Olowokandi averaged 8 points and 7 rebounds over his nine-year career, and shot a putrid 43% from the field and under 60% from the foul line. The Clippers traded him to Minnesota after five seasons, and he’d finish his NBA career as a lowly reserve in Boston, playing behind the likes of Brian Scalabrine and Kevinn “Not A Typo” Pinkney. At least those guys picked after him didn’t amount to anything worthwhile.

2. Kwame Brown (No. 1 by the Washington Wizards, 2001): Already a member of the worst trades club, Kwame barely escapes top bust honors. After being selected first overall by then-GM Michael Jordan, Brown had a hard time handling pressure from the media, and especially from Jordan himself. He holds career averages of 7 points and 6 rebounds per game, including one double-figure scoring season in 2003. Although he’s still just 26 years years old, no one is foolish enough to trade Caron Butler or Pau Gasol for him again (okay, who am I kidding — this is still the NBA). Oh, and in addition to the birthday cake incident I mentioned before, Kwame once skipped a playoff practice because his tummy hurt — only to be spotted at a local Chinese restaurant the same night.

3.  Darko Milicic (No 2. by the Detroit Pistons, 2003):  As much as he wants to deny it, Joe Dumars regrets this pick every day.  Sure, the Pistons won a title that season, but would they have been worse off with Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, or Zarko Cabarkapa coming off the bench?  Darko appeared in just 96 games with the Pistons, averaging less than 2 points and barely a rebound, before being traded to Orlando for a mid-range first round pick.  It’s only a matter of time before Hamed Haddadi becomes his, um, daddy in Memphis. Shouldn’t he at least be dating a hot European model or something?

4. Nikoloz Tskitishvili (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 2002): This pick actually makes the Milicic selection look even worse, since it’s hard to imagine a GM gambling on a European big man after watching Tskitishvili. Taken ahead of Amare Stoudemire, Caron Butler, and Carlos Boozer, he played only four seasons in the NBA, averaging less than 3 points and 2 rebounds per game. But at least it’s fun to say Skita, Skita, Skita! No, wait, that’s not that fun either…never mind.  DaJuan Wagner (No. 6 by the Cleveland Cavaliers) also deserves to be mentioned here, but at least he had a decent rookie season (13 ppg)…and um, he no longer has a colon.

5. Rafael Araujo (No. 8 by the Toronto Raptors, 2004): Saying the Raptors blew this pick is an understatement. Here are just a few players taken after “Hoffa:” Andre Iguodala, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, Andris Biedrins, Kevin Martin, Beno Udrih, and Anderson Varejao. I love how his Wikipedia entry says that he “left the NBA” to play in Russia. Right…he left the NBA of his own volition; it had nothing to do with the 2.8 points and 2.8 rebounds he averaged over three seasons.  Araujo attended Minnesota’s training camp this summer, but couldn’t beat out Jason Collins or Calvin Booth for a roster spot on one of the worst teams in the league.

6.  Rodney White (No. 9 by the Detroit Pistons, 2001): Take a look at the 2001 NBA Draft, and scan the players taken after White. I’ll give you a minute. Let’s see, there’s Joe Johnson, Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Troy Murphy, Samuel Dalembert, Kedrick Brown…okay, maybe not Kedrick.  White played one season with the Pistons, before being traded to the Nuggets for Menk Bateer, Don Reid and a future first round pick. Yep, I think that just about says it all. He’s been out of the league since 2005, finishing his 218-game career with career averages of 7 points and 2 rebounds.

7. Jonathan Bender (No. 5 by the Toronto Raptors [traded to Indiana Pacers], 1999): Bender gets a slight pass here because it’s hard to be mad at the guy now. After retiring at the age of 25 due to a debilitating knee condition, he established the Jonathan Bender Foundation, a nonprofit initiative that builds and restores homes in poor New Orleans neighborhoods and offers free classes and basketball clinics.  Nonetheless, Bender averaged just 6 points and 2 rebounds over his nondescript career, appearing in 31 games over his final three seasons.  He was selected ahead of Shawn Marion, Corey Maggette, Wally Szcerbiak, Andre Miller, and Richard Hamilton, and even the man he was traded for, Antonio Davis, somehow became an All-Star.

8. Ed O’Bannon, Nets (No. 9 by the New Jersey Nets, 1995): Ed lasted only two seasons in the NBA after a spectacular career at UCLA, averaging a quiet 5 points for the Nets and Mavericks.  His only saving grace is that, aside from Michael Finley, only a few prominent players were selected after him (Kurt Thomas, Corliss Williamson, Brent Barry).  Oh, and he’s now a car salesman in Nevada — and proud of it!.  I also could’ve gone with Shawn Respert (No. 8 by the Milwaukee Bucks) in this spot, but he later revealed that he battled — and courageously beat — cancer during his disappointing four-year pro career.

9. Marcus Fizer (No. 4 by the Chicago Bulls, 2000):  Let’s make one thing clear:  2000 was a historically bad draft class.  Of the lottery picks, only Kenyon Martin, Mike Miller, and Jamal Crawford have had solid NBA careers.   But Stromile Swift, DeMarr Johnson, Chris Mihm, and Jerome Moiso?  Any of these guys can claim a spot on this list, so, why did I choose Marcus Fizer?  Because he’s the only one who’s been an NBA Development League MVP. Ha, take that, critics!  Oh, and in addition to Miller and Crawford, Michael Redd (taken at #43!), Hedo Turkoglu, and Joel Pryzbilla were also drafted after him.

10.  Shelden Williams (No. 5 by the Atlanta Hawks, 2005):  I don’t want to diss Mr. Candace Parker yet again, so I’ll keep this brief.  Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, and Rudy Gay were taken after him in succession.  His numbers have decreased in each of his first three seasons, and he can’t get off the Kings’ bench during a rebuilding year.  Oh, and he’s ugly as all hell (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

Dishonorable Mention:

Fran Vasquez (No. 11 by the Orlando Magic, 2005)
Trajan Langdon (No. 11 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 1999)
Todd Fuller (No. 11 by the Golden State Warriors, 1996)
Luke Jackson (No. 10 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 2004)
Tony Battie (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 1997)
Frederic Weis (No. 15 by the New York Knicks, 1999)
Saer Sene (No. 10 by the Seattle SuperSonics, 2006)