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Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..

Conference Finals: #1 Los Angeles Lakers vs. #2 Denver Nuggets.. (more…)

My name is Point Guard Chauncey Billups and I need me eight Nuggets! (more…)

The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..

Round 2: #2 Denver Nuggets vs. #6 Dallas Mavericks.. (more…)

The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..

Round 1: #2 Denver Nuggets vs. #7 New Orleans Hornets.. (more…)

(Sonny Weems has been called up from the Denver Nuggets’ NBDL affiliate, the Colorado 14ers, to replace the injured Carmelo Anthony.)

Sonny Weems: Huzzah! My day has finally arrived! After years of struggling through JUCO leagues and Developmental Leagues, my hard work has finally paid off! I’m in the NBA! I’m gonna dunk! I’m gonna steal! I’m gonna hit a three-pointer at the buzzer! Huzzah to the finite power!

J.R. Smith: Get me a soda, bitch!

Sonny Weems: (head down, shuffling towards soda machine)  Yes, sir.

Chris Andersen: (tokes)  Huh, Weems.

Melo’s trigger finger: WRHHARRRRRRAHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRGGGGBBBLLEE

Melo: What the?  I raised you to be right, son. Stop yer cryin’. That shit don’t hurt, it feel good.

Melo’s trigger finger: ARRHRRRHRHRGRRRRGRRRRRRRERAHHHH

Melo: I said stop, son. This ain’t up for no discushin.

Melo’s trigger finger: WAHHHHHAHHWHWHWHWHAHAHAHA

Melo: If you don’t stop that right now, I will amplicate you right here on the court.

Melo’s trigger finger: hmm…eh…rhrmmmpph

Melo: That’s more like it…. I always knew you were a little bitch.

[Carmelo dunks]

Melo’s trigger finger: WHAHARHRHEERRRRRRRRRRERRRRRRRERGBLAHHRRRGGGGG

Melo: AHARRRGERRRRGERRRRRRWARRRRR

Melo’s trigger finger: WAHRHRHRGBBERRGGGGG

Melo to self: Shit, I think my hand might be fucked up. Where’s dat oompa loompa lookin’ hippy that sells me weed?

Steve Hess: Melo, need another THC strip?

Melo: Yeah.

Melo’s trigger finger: WHARRRBLLERRRGGGGAHHHh

Melo: Hey, I think my hand is messed up.

Melo’s trigger finger: snitch.

Quick, who’s the biggest draft bust in NBA history? LaRue Martin, Chris Washburn, and Dennis Hopson might merit some consideration, but I’m guessing you thought of Sam Bowie. Selected second overall by the Portland Trail Blazers in 1984 — ahead of Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and John Stockton –he had a mediocre and injury-plagued career that serves as a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of drafting for need over potential. While many consider him to be the biggest bust in NBA history, Bowie actually had a serviceable career, especially in his later years with the Nets. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for many of the other players on this list. Here are the biggest draft blunders of the Kevin McHale era.

1. Michael Olowokandi (No. 1 by the Los Angeles Clippers, 1998): Do you think Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis, or Mike Bibby might’ve been the better pick? How about Al Harrington, Jason Williams, or even Nazr Mohammed? You get the point. Olowokandi averaged 8 points and 7 rebounds over his nine-year career, and shot a putrid 43% from the field and under 60% from the foul line. The Clippers traded him to Minnesota after five seasons, and he’d finish his NBA career as a lowly reserve in Boston, playing behind the likes of Brian Scalabrine and Kevinn “Not A Typo” Pinkney. At least those guys picked after him didn’t amount to anything worthwhile.

2. Kwame Brown (No. 1 by the Washington Wizards, 2001): Already a member of the worst trades club, Kwame barely escapes top bust honors. After being selected first overall by then-GM Michael Jordan, Brown had a hard time handling pressure from the media, and especially from Jordan himself. He holds career averages of 7 points and 6 rebounds per game, including one double-figure scoring season in 2003. Although he’s still just 26 years years old, no one is foolish enough to trade Caron Butler or Pau Gasol for him again (okay, who am I kidding — this is still the NBA). Oh, and in addition to the birthday cake incident I mentioned before, Kwame once skipped a playoff practice because his tummy hurt — only to be spotted at a local Chinese restaurant the same night.

3.  Darko Milicic (No 2. by the Detroit Pistons, 2003):  As much as he wants to deny it, Joe Dumars regrets this pick every day.  Sure, the Pistons won a title that season, but would they have been worse off with Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, or Zarko Cabarkapa coming off the bench?  Darko appeared in just 96 games with the Pistons, averaging less than 2 points and barely a rebound, before being traded to Orlando for a mid-range first round pick.  It’s only a matter of time before Hamed Haddadi becomes his, um, daddy in Memphis. Shouldn’t he at least be dating a hot European model or something?

4. Nikoloz Tskitishvili (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 2002): This pick actually makes the Milicic selection look even worse, since it’s hard to imagine a GM gambling on a European big man after watching Tskitishvili. Taken ahead of Amare Stoudemire, Caron Butler, and Carlos Boozer, he played only four seasons in the NBA, averaging less than 3 points and 2 rebounds per game. But at least it’s fun to say Skita, Skita, Skita! No, wait, that’s not that fun either…never mind.  DaJuan Wagner (No. 6 by the Cleveland Cavaliers) also deserves to be mentioned here, but at least he had a decent rookie season (13 ppg)…and um, he no longer has a colon.

5. Rafael Araujo (No. 8 by the Toronto Raptors, 2004): Saying the Raptors blew this pick is an understatement. Here are just a few players taken after “Hoffa:” Andre Iguodala, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, Andris Biedrins, Kevin Martin, Beno Udrih, and Anderson Varejao. I love how his Wikipedia entry says that he “left the NBA” to play in Russia. Right…he left the NBA of his own volition; it had nothing to do with the 2.8 points and 2.8 rebounds he averaged over three seasons.  Araujo attended Minnesota’s training camp this summer, but couldn’t beat out Jason Collins or Calvin Booth for a roster spot on one of the worst teams in the league.

6.  Rodney White (No. 9 by the Detroit Pistons, 2001): Take a look at the 2001 NBA Draft, and scan the players taken after White. I’ll give you a minute. Let’s see, there’s Joe Johnson, Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Troy Murphy, Samuel Dalembert, Kedrick Brown…okay, maybe not Kedrick.  White played one season with the Pistons, before being traded to the Nuggets for Menk Bateer, Don Reid and a future first round pick. Yep, I think that just about says it all. He’s been out of the league since 2005, finishing his 218-game career with career averages of 7 points and 2 rebounds.

7. Jonathan Bender (No. 5 by the Toronto Raptors [traded to Indiana Pacers], 1999): Bender gets a slight pass here because it’s hard to be mad at the guy now. After retiring at the age of 25 due to a debilitating knee condition, he established the Jonathan Bender Foundation, a nonprofit initiative that builds and restores homes in poor New Orleans neighborhoods and offers free classes and basketball clinics.  Nonetheless, Bender averaged just 6 points and 2 rebounds over his nondescript career, appearing in 31 games over his final three seasons.  He was selected ahead of Shawn Marion, Corey Maggette, Wally Szcerbiak, Andre Miller, and Richard Hamilton, and even the man he was traded for, Antonio Davis, somehow became an All-Star.

8. Ed O’Bannon, Nets (No. 9 by the New Jersey Nets, 1995): Ed lasted only two seasons in the NBA after a spectacular career at UCLA, averaging a quiet 5 points for the Nets and Mavericks.  His only saving grace is that, aside from Michael Finley, only a few prominent players were selected after him (Kurt Thomas, Corliss Williamson, Brent Barry).  Oh, and he’s now a car salesman in Nevada — and proud of it!.  I also could’ve gone with Shawn Respert (No. 8 by the Milwaukee Bucks) in this spot, but he later revealed that he battled — and courageously beat — cancer during his disappointing four-year pro career.

9. Marcus Fizer (No. 4 by the Chicago Bulls, 2000):  Let’s make one thing clear:  2000 was a historically bad draft class.  Of the lottery picks, only Kenyon Martin, Mike Miller, and Jamal Crawford have had solid NBA careers.   But Stromile Swift, DeMarr Johnson, Chris Mihm, and Jerome Moiso?  Any of these guys can claim a spot on this list, so, why did I choose Marcus Fizer?  Because he’s the only one who’s been an NBA Development League MVP. Ha, take that, critics!  Oh, and in addition to Miller and Crawford, Michael Redd (taken at #43!), Hedo Turkoglu, and Joel Pryzbilla were also drafted after him.

10.  Shelden Williams (No. 5 by the Atlanta Hawks, 2005):  I don’t want to diss Mr. Candace Parker yet again, so I’ll keep this brief.  Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, and Rudy Gay were taken after him in succession.  His numbers have decreased in each of his first three seasons, and he can’t get off the Kings’ bench during a rebuilding year.  Oh, and he’s ugly as all hell (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

Dishonorable Mention:

Fran Vasquez (No. 11 by the Orlando Magic, 2005)
Trajan Langdon (No. 11 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 1999)
Todd Fuller (No. 11 by the Golden State Warriors, 1996)
Luke Jackson (No. 10 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 2004)
Tony Battie (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 1997)
Frederic Weis (No. 15 by the New York Knicks, 1999)
Saer Sene (No. 10 by the Seattle SuperSonics, 2006)

Bird and Laimbeer share a laugh.

Back in the ’70s, NBA fights were routine, and players were rarely fined, much less suspended for their actions.  That all changed when Kermit Washington delivered “The Punch” to Rudy Tomjanovich’s skull, earning him a 60-day league-mandated suspension.  In the 80’s, Bill Laimbeer of the Detroit Pistons’ Baby Boys was known more his fighing than his rebounding (and he got his butt kicked on more than one occasion).  And of course, we all know about the “The Malice at the Palace,” which was the most serious and damaging brawl in NBA history.  But what about the most memorable minor scuffles and slap-fests of the last 20 years?  Let’s take a look.

1.  Alonzo Mourning vs. Larry Johnson (with Jeff Van Gundy) - 4/30/98:

In the final seconds of Game 4 of the 1st Round playoffs (2:35 mark in the video), Larry Johnson shoved his former Hornets teammate, and Zo retaliated by attempting to throw a punch. The two swung and missed more times than Ryan Howard, but neither was able to connect. The best part is that Knicks coach Jeff Van Gundy dived to the ground and grabbed Mourning’s leg while being dragged along the court. This will never be topped. The fight came on the heels of a 1997 brawl, when P.J. Brown flipped Charlie Ward over his head and body-slammed him, resulting in a bench-clearing melee and multiple suspensions for both teams.

2. Chris Mills vs. Bonzi Wells - 12/20/02:

Oh, if only we had video. Mills and Wells were ejected after getting into a shoving match on the court as the game ended, but it didn’t stop there. After Mills couldn’t break into the Blazers’ locker room to confront his enemy, he and and his cousin parked their car in front of Portland’s team bus as it was pulling away from the stadium. He challenged Wells to come out, and then followed the bus all the way out to the airport before driving away. Mills has denied that he was carrying a gun, but would that really surprise anyone? He was suspended three games and Wells was suspended for two.

3. Shaquille O’Neal vs. Brad Miller (with Charles Oakley) - 1/12/02:

Shaq didn’t appreciate a few hard fouls by the Bulls, and took his frustrations out on an unsuspecting Brad Miller. After a flagrant foul courtesy of Charles Oakley, the Diesel reacted by throwing a haymaker at the back of Miller’s head. Luckily, he didn’t connect, or the the Kings wouldn’t have their starting center today. A brawl spilled into the stands, resulting in multiple suspensions; Shaq was suspended for three games, Oak and Miller received one game each.

4. Carmelo Anthony vs. Nate Robinson/Mardy Collins - 12/16/06:

Isiah warned you not to go into the lane! Marty Collins fouled J.R. Smith towards the end of the game, and the two exchanged shoves and had to be separated. And then for some reason, Nate Robinson came into the picture and tackled Smith into the stands. Just when it looked to be over, Melo decided to throw a sucker-punch at Collins, and then back-pedaled away from an irate Robinson. Don’t worry Melo, we all see the Bitch in Yoo for that one. The suspensions were lengthy (games): Anthony (15), Robinson (10), Collins (6), Jared Jeffries (4), plus one game for Jerome James and Nene for leaving the bench area.

5.  Kevin Johnson vs. Doc Rivers (with Greg Anthony) - 3/24/93:

Kevin Johnson body-blocked Doc Rivers to the floor with a stiff forearm, and Rivers charged after him. That precipitated a bench-clearing brawl, that escalated to new heights when Greg Anthony, wearing street clothes, ran in to throw a cheap shot at Johnson just when the fight was being diffused. Anthony was suspended for five games; Johnson and Rivers for two games apiece. Remember that this was 1993 — just imagine what kind of penalties they’d receive today…

6. Kenyon Martin vs. Corey Maggette - 1/6/04:

After Martin committed a hard foul on Maggette, Corey sprung back up and shoved K-Mart to the floor. So, what does Martin do to retaliate? He doesn’t run away like some punk (*cough* Melo *cough*), but jumps back up and gives Maggette a deadly right and left combination before being restrained by his teammates. Maggette, meanwhile, gets held back by Richard Jefferson and takes his beating. Both players were suspended for two games.

7. Kobe Bryant vs. Chris Childs - 4/3/00:

I could’ve put Kobe vs. Ray Allen or Reggie Miller instead but they’re really all the same. Some shoving from both sides and much more talk than action. This one is probably my favorite, just because Childs retaliated to Kobe’s weak elbow with some kind of forearm/punch to the throat (see here) that Kobe seemed to just take. A few more punches were thrown, but of course none of them landed. It’s just a typical NBA scuffle, highlighted only by the star name involved.

8. Marcus Camby vs. Danny Ferry (with Jeff Van Gundy) - 1/15/01:

After getting poked in the eye by Danny Ferry, Marcus Camby took a running start and and threw a windmill punch, despite being held back by several teammates. He ended up missing, because his coach, Jeff Van Gundy (who else), jumped between the two players to break it up. The man is like a bodyguard taking a bullet for the president. Camby was suspended for five games, Ferry for one (not really sure why), and Van Gundy ended up receiving 15…stitches.

9. Karl Malone vs. Dennis Rodman (with Hulk Hogan) - 7/12/98:

Rodman and Malone had so many memorable battles in the Bulls/Jazz Finals on 1997 and 1998, that they decided to settle it once and for all in the wrestling ring. Despite being staged and fake, it remains one of the better fights among NBA players. Here’s a clip from Bash at the Beach 1998 — um, enjoy?

10. Shareef Abdur-Rahim vs. Kenny Thomas - 1/19/02:

Punches slaps were thrown, and both players were ejected and received one-game suspensions. Only mentioned because they’d go on to be teammates in Sacramento and would fight for the starting forward job. Just imagine the locker room tension.

Honorable Mention:

*Latrell Sprewell vs. P.J. Carlesimo - 12/4/97: Spree chocked his coach and earned a 68-game suspension. It didn’t happen on the court, and it’s too bad that we’ll never know how it really went down. Also see: Sprewell vs. yacht wall.

*Matt Bonner vs. Kevin Garnett - 12/15/04:  Yeah, that doesn’t seem like a fair fight. But who knew the Red Rocket had it in him?

*Candace Parker vs. Plenette Pierson (WNBA) - 7/23/08:  I’d rather not talk about this…

It’s easy to understand why athletes choose to date famous celebrities.  The simple answer is because, well, they can.  These women understand their lifestyle, aren’t after money, and of course, are very attractive.  But does it ever work out well for both sides, with difficult travel schedules and no shortage of groupies on the road?  Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe divorced within a year due to the singer’s promiscuous ways; Mike Tyson made Robin Givens’ life a “living hell;” and Andre Rison would still have a house if he never met Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez.  Let’s see how NBA stars have fared over the years.  Without further adieu, here are the top 10 player-celebrity relationships, plus a few bonus extras to ponder.

1. Dennis Rodman & Carmen Electra/Madonna:  Rodman dated the equally freaky Madonna in the early ’90’s, and supposedly ended that relationship because he didn’t want to be known as her “boy toy.”  In 1998, “The Worm” married Electra, the former Playboy model and Baywatch star, after dating her for six months. Nine days after the wedding, Rodman filed for an annulment, claiming that he was tricked into marriage, and had been of an “unsound mind” at the time. Somehow, this didn’t carry much weight coming from a man who dyed his hair every color of the rainbow, tattooed and pierced his entire body, and of course, married himself in full makeup and a wedding dress. While Rodman later rescinded the request, Electra then filed for divorce. The two were arrested on domestic violence charges the following year.

2. Chris Webber & Tyra Banks: The enigmatic Kings forward dated the supermodel/actress/talk show host for three years in the early 2000’s.  Both parties denied they were ever engaged, and Banks later admitted their respective careers kept them apart. An irate, shirtless Webber unleashed a classic, expletive-filled rant in the Kings locker room, after being repeatedly asked about the relationship by the Sacramento media (a short sample can be found at the 2:30 mark here).

3. Quentin Richardson/Kobe Bryant & Brandy: Does this make Brandy the Alyssa Milano of the NBA? Kobe briefly dated the Moesha star in 1998, and famously took her to his high school prom. Richardson and Brandy were engaged in July 2004, but split up in October of the following year, allegedly due to Q-Rich’s infidelity. The singer ended up transforming her back tattoo of Richardson’s face into a cat. So, yes, Knicks fans, Brandy literally turned Q-Rich into a pussy.

4. Steve Nash and Geri Halliwell/Elizabeth Hurley: Nash was reportedly dating Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell in 2000, though he insisted she was just a friend. He later upgraded to Elizabeth Hurley, and while Nash would once again decline to comment, his agent confirmed the relationship (seriously). He’s now married with twins, but (false?) rumors of an affair with Nelly Furtado flared up when the singer name-dropped him on her hit song, “Promiscuous:” Is that the truth or are you talkin’ trash? / Is your game MVP like Steve Nash?

5. Rick Fox & Vanessa Williams: The former Laker married “Miss America” in 1999…and then blew it. In 2004, The National Enquirer published photos of Fox kissing another woman at a bar, and Williams ended up filing for divorce later that year. No truth to the rumor that he pleaded, “I’m bad, but not as bad as Eric Benet!” Oh, and Doug Christie, of all people, beat him down in 2002…yes, I had to throw that in there.

6. A.C. Green & Jenna Jameson: In the spring of 1997, the NBA ironman and long-time opponent of premarital sex, met porn queen Jenna Jameson at a downtown Los Angeles nightclub and secretly broke his vow of abstinence.  Green paid the media thousands of dollars to keep the forbidden romance under wraps.  Okay, okay…so this never happened. But admit it, I had you going there.  We won’t count this one.

6.  Jason Kidd/Jim Jackson & Toni Braxton: Ranked lower only because Braxton won’t “kiss and tell,” and Kidd and Jackson deny there was ever a love triangle.  The “Three J’s” of mid-90’s Dallas Mavericks didn’t last three years, apparently because Kidd felt Jackson was a selfish player.  But the juicier story is that the R&B singer was dating Kidd, and came to the Mavs’ hotel to pick him up one evening…but ended up leaving with Jackson instead.  When Braxton didn’t unbreak his heart, Kidd demanded a trade, and was soon shipped to the Phoenix Suns.

7. Tony Parker & Eva Longoria: The San Antonio Spurs guard left his longtime girlfriend for the stunning “Desperate Housewife” in 2005.  The pair wed two years later, in spite of numerous breakup rumors, as well as a model’s false claims that Parker was cheating.  According to Longoria, “when the lights are out, he’s the teacher and I’m the student,” making Tony the envy of men everywhere…well, if only he weren’t French.

8. Carmelo Anthony and LaLa Vasquez Melo proposed to the MTV VJ on Christmas 2004, and it’s good to see that engagement and a child have turned him into a better man. Since that time, he’s been cited for marijuana possession, suspended for fighting during the Knicks-Nuggets brawl in 2006, and most recently arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence and suspended for two games by the team. But LaLa will straighten him out yet…you just wait.

9. Grant Hill & Tamia: A token “nice guy,” Hill married Tamia in 1999, and their relationship has been predictably stable and scandal-free. In fact, the pair was recently featured on Oprah’s “greatest love stories” episode after supporting each other’s careers and dealing with personal issues for almost a decade….not that I watched it or anything. Useless fact: they were introduced by R&B singer Anita Baker.

10. Kenyon Martin & Trina: Let’s see if we can get all of these facts straight.  Kenyon Martin is married, but his wife supposedly gave him a cellphone just for his groupies. In the meantime, rapper Trina has introduced Martin as her boyfriend at parties, and helped plan his 30th birthday party. Just a few months ago, Martin and Trina were involved in a minor traffic accident in Belize, when they were on their way to a “peace rally.” Yep…there’s no way this can end badly.

Honorable Mention:

*Karrine “Superhead” Steffans & the entire NBA…and NFL, MLB, NFL, Nascar circuit, Screen Actors Guild, music industry, your local Pep Boys, and so on.

*Dwyane Wade & Star Jones/Gabrielle Union:  Wade has sworn the Star Jones stuff isn’t true and he’s insists they’re only friends (let’s hope).   Rumor has it, he filed for divorce from his wife of five years, and has recently been spotted with actress Gabrielle Union (who may have also dated Jason Kidd).

*Baron Davis & Lauren London:  Another case of unconfirmed rumors…in addition to Davis, the actress/video vixen has been linked to rappers Lil’ Wayne and T.I., as well as R&B singer Cassie (!).

*Marko Jaric & Adriana Lima: Yes, she’s famous and beautiful, but which NBA player hasn’t slept with a supermodel? Isn’t that a contractual provision of some sort?