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A smile came across my face the other day, when I saw my favorite phrase in sports among the headlines — “planning an NBA comeback.” This time, it was Bryon “Don’t Call Me Byron” Russell — best-known for getting used and abused by Michael Jordan in the 1998 NBA Finals — claiming that he could still help a contender in limited minutes.  I’m not sure why, but I still get a little excited to hear a familiar name and “return” in the same sentence. The list of recent player comebacks is surprisingly limited, but many have given serious consideration to “scratching that itch” one last time.

Of course, the king of comebacks both on and off the court, Michael Jordan, has given us three retirement speeches. The first one came in 1993, when Jordan cited a loss of desire to play basketball — or as rumor has it, was suspended by the commissioner for gambling problems — and tried his hand at minor league baseball. His subsequent comeback in 1995 was certainly memorable. I’ll never forget the ‘I’m Back’ newspaper headlines, the “Sports Illustrated” issue that’s still sitting somewhere in my parents’ attic, and all of the red #45 jerseys in the hallways of my middle school. I stared at the TV wide-eyed, as a rusty Jordan dropped 55 points against the Knicks, and then donned the familiar #23 during the conference semi-finals against Orlando.   But by the time next season rolled around, when the Bulls were on their way to winning 72 games and Jordan was coasting to another scoring title, I suddenly remembered how much I hated MJ before he retired. As a Knicks fan, I couldn’t stand the thought of facing — and losing to — Chicago in the playoffs yet again.  A painful three-peat later, I happily watched the second retirement press conference, and was even more pleased for the invention of the cigar cutter.

My personal favorite comeback, and one that doesn’t get mentioned nearly as much as it should, was Magic Johnson’s return during the 1995/96 season.  Magic retired in 1991 after contracting HIV, and the most notable opponent of Magic’s failed comeback attempt in 1992/93, was of course, a championship-hungry Karl Malone (who played with Johnson on the Olympic team, mind you).  A few years later, Magic finally returned to the hardwood to help the struggling Lakers.  I remember everything about his first game back against the Warriors, from his crazy old-school ball fake in Joe Smith’s face, to wondering whether fat Magic could now fit into his own over-sized Lakers jersey hanging in the rafters.  It still amazes me that at 36,  after not playing competitive basketball for five years, he narrowly missed a triple double with 19 points, 8 rebounds, and 10 assists in 27 minutes.  He would finish the season with averages of 15 points, 6 rebounds, and 7 assists, leading the team to a 22-10 finish.  Unfortunately, his return caused tension among the young Lakers, and despite Pat Riley’s best efforts to convince him to sign with the Miami Heat (how crazy would that have been?), Magic retired for good after Los Angeles lost to Houston in the the playoffs.   He would, however, give us more joy than he could ever imagine on The Magic Hour.  Let’s all take this time to watch a mesmerizing clip of Howard Stern’s appearance on the show.

While Jordan’s first comeback was all but inevitable, the second one caught most people by surprise.  I never thought it would actually happen, but I still refreshed the ESPN homepage countless times, hoping to see those two magic words across the screen once again.   When he stepped on the court in 2001, I found myself feeling a little sorry for the greatest player of all-time.  While he had a few Jordan-like performances, seeing him linger up and down the court on 40-year-old knees and embarrass himself on the grand stage was like watching Al Pacino in “88 Minutes” or Joaquin Phoenix trying to rap. When he finally called it quits in 2003, I figured no former NBA star would risk the same fate after witnessing Jordan’s failures.

While that hasn’t exactly been the case, many comeback attempts have ended before they’ve had a chance to begin.  After Clyde Drexler was voted into the Hall of Fame in 2004, he contemplated coming back as a 42-year-old sixth man.  Scottie Pippen, 41, announced his intentions to return after a three-year hiatus during last season’s All-Star weekend.  Charles Oakley was reportedly serious about playing for the first time in four seasons at age 44 — I’m sure it was just a coincidence that he was writing a book at the time.  Dennis Rodman toiled in the ABA and overseas as recently as 2006, hoping to get a call-up from a desperate contender.  Even Hakeem “The Dream” Olajuwon wanted to get into the act last season at the age of 45.  Okay, so that last one isn’t real, but it fooled me for a second.   None of these players drew serious interest from NBA teams, probably because there’s only so much Centrum Silver and calcium supplements to go around; and in Scottie’s case, I don’t think anyone wants to see his bald head ever again.

It’s almost hard to believe that Shawn Kemp was 33 when he last played in the NBA in 2002/03, 50 pounds overweight and battling a well-publicized cocaine addiction. He came close to making a comeback in 2006, when the Mavericks agreed to give the slimmed-down Kemp a private workout, and then again in 2007, when the Denver Nuggets gave him serious consideration. I never understood why some team wouldn’t offer him a minimum contract to get more fans in attendance — and I don’t mean all of his children. Kemp ended up signing with an Italian team last summer, but was later cut after failing to arrive on time. At almost 40, it’s not likely we’ll ever see the Reign Man play basketball on TV again…unless it’s on Pros vs. Joes.

One 40-year-old who was heavily courted by NBA teams, Reggie Miller, wisely decided against coming out of his two-year retirement.  In 2000, the Suns convinced Kevin Johnson, who retired after the 1997/98 season, to return after Jason Kidd went down with an injury; Phoenix won its first playoff series in five years. A handful of others have had moderate success at coming back to the NBA — and no, I’m not just talking about Aaron McKie and Keith Van Horn here.  Penny Hardaway, who last appeared in four games with the Knicks in 2005, signed with the Miami Heat last year.  He was released a month into the season, and Lil’ Penny has a better chance of getting another contract.  Allan Houston has twice been cut by the Knicks (that says it all right there) after coming out of retirement in 2007.  Darius Miles returned to play for the Memphis Grizzlies this year, after missing more than two seasons with what the Portland doctors considered to be a career-ending knee injury.  As the accompanying video shows, he hasn’t exactly lit the world on fire.  But sadly, the man with the family to feed, Latrell Sprewell, has been conspicuously quiet despite some recent financial concerns.  Wouldn’t it be fun to watch Spree come back at 38 to help a choking, er, struggling team in the stretch run?

When the Lakers faced the Bulls on February 2, 1996, Magic and Michael appeared on the same court for the first time since 1991 NBA Finals.  I remember a fan in the crowd held up a sign that read, “First Michael, then Magic, how about it Larry?”  Hey, it might not be too late…on second thought, maybe that’s pushing it.  I guess this was all just a long way of saying, I’m pulling for you, Bryon Russell.

This is Part 1 of Act Like You Know .  Part 2 can be found here.

I watched Love And Basketball for the fourth time the other day, and one thing continues to bother me — the casting of Omar Epps in the lead role.  I have nothing against Epps as an actor, but I don’t buy him as a professional basketball player.  There’s just something off about him every time he steps out on the court, especially with the Lakers.  It’s even worse now that I associate him with Dr. Foreman on House.  So, I started thinking — would the movie be any better if the part of Quincy McCall went to say, Will Smith…or how about Ray Allen?  Actually, can any NBA players be good (or even passable) as movie actors?  We know that Paul Pierce, for one,  deserves an Oscar for his stunning performance in Game 1 of the NBA Finals.

Now, of course, it’s not a big stretch for a basketball player to play himself or another athlete in a movie…or so we’d hope.  Part I of this two-part set will focus on movies that feature NBA players “acting” as basketball players, while Part II will look at those who’ve branched out into bigger roles, including Allen in He Got Game.

1. Eddie (1996): John Salley, Rick Fox, Malik Sealy (RIP), Mark Jackson, Dwayne Schintzius, Greg Ostertag, Gary Payton, plus assorted NBA players (49 total) as themselves.

I’m sure every NBA fan has seen this one — Whoopi Goldberg goes from an obnoxious Knicks fan to the team’s coach, and puts the Isiah Thomas era to shame in the process. The best of the NBA players are Ostertag, who plays a dimwitted yokel of a player (yeah, this was a big reach for him); Sealy, who channels his inner Rickey Henderson and refers to himself in the third person; and Schintzius, who plays (?) a moron that speaks only three words of English. The rest of the bunch do just fine in minor roles — Olden Polynice, for instance, shows off his scientific knowledge of a black hole…nah, too easy.

2. Space Jam (1996): Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, Shawn Bradley, Larry Bird, Vlade Divac, Cedric Ceballos, A.C. Green, Derek Harper, Alonzo Mourning, Charles Oakley — all as themselves.

If you’re like me and saw this movie when you were younger, you probably liked it enough to not question the acting abilities of the stars.  Jordan isn’t really asked to do anything out of the ordinary here — he plays basketball and exhibits good sportsmanship, even if he’s sometimes as stiff as the hardwood. After aliens take away the NBA players’ skills, we get to see them do their best Brian Scalabrene impressions. Of course, the cheap laughs again come at the expense of the tall white guy: Shawn Bradley becomes awkward and uncoordinated on the court…in other words, the directors just told him to act natural.

3. Blue Chips (1994): Shaquille O’Neal, Anfernee Hardaway, Larry Bird, Bob Cousy, and several players as themselves, including Allan Houston, Rodney Rogers, Calbert Cheaney, Bobby Hurley, Marques Johnson, Rick Fox, George Lynch, and Chris Mills.

The movie gives a realistic (but fictional) account of behind-the-scenes cheating and corruption in college athletics.  Aside from dunking in the basketball scenes, Shaq gives his usual cringe-worthy performance (much more on this in Part II) in his acting debut.  Penny is surprisingly likable in his recruitment scenes with Nick Nolte; more impressively, he didn’t even injure himself on the set. Fortunately for us, the other players (notably Hurley and Cheaney) are not asked to do much off the court and safely fade into the background.  Cousy and Bird are, well, there.

4. Forget Paris (1995): Charles Barkley, David Robinson, Dan Majerle, Kevin Johnson, Sean Elliott, Patrick Ewing, Tim Hardaway, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bill Laimbeer, Reggie Miller, Chris Mullin, Charles Oakley, Kurt Rambis, John Starks, Isiah Thomas, Spud Webb, Marques Johnson, Reggie Theus — all as themselves.

I’m almost ashamed to admit that I sort of like this movie, even though it’s a romantic comedy.  Billy Crystal plays an NBA referee, and all of the player cameos take place on the court.  As expected, these are mostly in-game action sequences, and require the players to argue with the refs (once again, this hopefully shouldn’t be too hard).  Kareem, Barkley, and Spud Webb, in particular, are very believable in their brief interactions with Crystal, while most of the other players don’t have noteworthy speaking parts.

5. The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh (1979): Julius “Dr. J” Erving, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Meadowlark Lemon (Harlem Globetrotter), and several NBA/ABA players, including Connie Hawkins, Spencer Haywood, Bob Lanier, Cedric Maxwell, and Norm Nixon.

I’m willing to best that most people under 30 aren’t familiar with this one.  Dr. J plays the superstar on a terrible basketball team.  After most of the players quit, in comes an absolutely ridiculous premise; let’s just say it has to do with astrology.  The acting is minimal and beyond wooden (not just the players, either), while attempts at humor predictably fall short.  Even still, I’d recommend watching it, if only for the unintentionally hilarious disco soundtrack.

Honorable Mention:

*Heaven Is A Playground (1991):  Bo Kimble, Hakeem Olajuwon, Kendall Gill

A coach tries to keep his urban high school basketball team out of trouble — as expected, it’s to no avail. Former Clipper Bo Kimble plays a good player who later becomes a bitter loner after a serious knee injury, while Olajuwon and Gill have minor roles as his teammates. Apparently, Michael Jordan was originally supposed to be cast in the movie instead of Kimble, and was sued for by the filmmakers for breach-of-contract.

*Like Mike (2002): Michael Finley, Steve Francis, Allen Iverson, Jason Kidd, Tracy McGrady, Alonzo Mourning, Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, Gary Payton, Jason Richardson, David Robinson, Rasheed Wallace, Gerald Wallace, Chris Webber — all as themselves.

I’m not gonna lie to you — I never saw this movie, but I remember watching an ‘extended preview’ in the theater, which basically showed the whole movie in five minutes. Looking at the stills (Robinson, Kidd) is making me a little nauseous, so let’s move on.  Oh, and FYI, “Like Mike 2” (I had no idea either) doesn’t have any player appearances, unless you count Mark Cuban.

*White Men Can’t Jump (1992):  You may have noticed that Marques Johnson — who had a very solid NBA career during the ’80’s — appeared in two other movies on the list.  As the only professional player in this one, he doesn’t play a big enough role to make the cut.  Side note: I watched this movie when I was 12 or 13 years old, and I remember my dad walking in during one of the sex scenes….um, very bad times.

I wish I knew why NBA players continue to put out rap albums.  Over the last 15 years, we’ve heard over a dozen prominent athletes disgrace themselves on the microphone for our enjoyment. To be fair, not all of them are terrible…and hell, I’d take any of these guys over Lil’ Wayne. Let’s take a look back at the worst of the worst, starting with the man who started it all…Shaq-Fu.

1992: Shaquille O’Neal — For the life of me, I’ll never understand how Shaq’s first album went platinum and his second went gold. Sure, he’s one of the most recognizable athletes in the world, but he’s embarrassingly bad on mic. I’m not even going to say his lyrics are as bad as his foul shooting – that’s being too kind. Don’t let the infamous freestyle Kobe diss fool you; look no further than his debut, Shaq Diesel to get, um, a taste.

I had a hard time picking out my favorite rhymes, but here are a few gems:

“I can flow like pee, coming out yo’ know what / Or some ookey diarrhea coming out yo’ butt”
“Watch out the funky hooper / I uh er-huh er-huh, sorry, I made a pooper.” (I Hate to Brag)
“I leave a bad taste in your mouth, like boogers in coffee” (Shoot Pass Slam)
“Treat you like Spielberg / You get Jur-ASS-kicked in the park” (I Know I Got Skillz)

Oh, and whatever you do, don’t click here…you won’t feel good about yourself, trust me.

1994: Immortal Records released an amazing hip-hop album called Basketball’s Best-Kept Secret, which features songs from several recognizable ‘90’s ballers. A few of these joints aren’t even half-bad: Dana Barros informs us that he “slams like Onyx, puffing on the chronic,” Brian Shaw slow-flows through a somber track about his family’s struggles, and even Gary Payton sounds decent over a funky West Coast beat. But the two absolute worst on the record are Jason Kidd, whose uses the same monotone flow from his interviews on “What the Kidd Didd;” and Cedric Ceballos, who even graced us with a fantastic music video for his corny (Warren G-produced!?) track, “Flow On.”

Typing out lyrics doesn’t even do these songs justice, but here goes:

Ceballos: “You start to Wonder, I know yo’ name is Stevie / Don’t think about it fool, cuz you know you can’t see me”
“Tickity tock, don’t stop, yeah the clock is still tickin’ / Ya booty chicken rhymes, mine are finger lickin’”

Kidd: “At St. Joe’s, the hos treated me different / But I was good on the dribble like an infant”

1999: Chris Webber — I remember spotting C-Webb’s first single, “Gangsta Gangsta (How U Do It),” at my local Sam Goody some years back. What do you do when your favorite basketball player releases a horrible rap album? You pretend it never existed. Unfortunately, Webber couldn’t let that happen – he also shot not one, but two clichéd videos.  “Gangsta” features Kurupt and Redman, though shockingly, Juwan Howard and Jalen Rose are nowhere to be found. Oh, and he rhymes “fetish for lettuce” with “Jerome Bettis.”  Ugh.

Bonus unreleased C-Webb video: “Too Much Drama”

2000: Kobe Bryant –- Allen “Jewelz” Iverson also released a few tracks during the same year, though his album was famously disallowed by Commissioner Stern for its violent and homophobic lyrics. Either way, we can give AI a pass here, since his flow doesn’t sound that forced on “40 Bars.” Kobe, however, gets no such pass. Bryant was set to release his debut album, Visions, until that project was understandably scrapped. He did, however, cut a few tracks with Fiddy and Beanie Sigel (seriously) and made a cameo on Brian McKnight’s “Hold Me (Remix)” in 1997.

Below is a live performance of his first single, “K.O.B.E.” — with a guest verse from Tyra Banks!

And here’s my personal favorite, “Thug Poet,” featuring 50 Cent and Broady Boy (courtesy of XXLMag.com).  He can’t be serious, right?

Timeless lyrics from Black Mamba:

“Kick in the do’ wavin’ the flow flow / All you heard was stop, can’t take the hits - can’t take the hits - no more” (Thug Poet)

“If you hear me say murder, that means I’m a Thug Poet / If I say my mind kills, that means I’m a Thug Poet / If I say that I’m a glock, that means that I’m a Thug Poet,”

“But I refuse to weep / Yet when I sleep, I feel tears trickling down my cheek” (Hold Me)

2006: Ron Artest & 2008: Troy Hudson – I’m gonna group these two together, since they suffer from the same problem: lack of interest. Absolutely no one cared when their respective albums were released, as Ron-Ron sold a meager 343 copies in his first week, and T-Hud managed to one-up him by selling 78 of his own. Both sound equally awkward and off beat at times, though they’re nowhere near as bad as some their predecessors…so I guess that’s progress. Their anemic sales are punishment enough, and I wouldn’t have gone any further…had I not come across this amazing video for T-Hud’s “Tru Luv” (featuring Ray J). I’m not gonna lie to you, the song is actually kinda hot — aside from Hudson’s simplistic rapping — but I’m not saying anything further. Just watch and enjoy.

Dishonorable mention – Tony Parker. This song sounds horrendous to me, but since I don’t know French, I won’t judge…for now.