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Tiger Woods has begun looking to the sports world for advice on his recent “auto accident”..

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There’s a thin line between being a tough, aggressive defender and playing dirty. Oftentimes, an accused player’s teammates and fans will defend his actions, while opposing coaches decry them as inexcusable and thuggish. Although today’s NBA is considerably less dirty as a result of crackdowns on overly physical play (and shady referees), there are still a quite a few players who love to sneak in a timely push or jab to the stomach. Here are some of the worst offenders in recent NBA history.

1. Bruce Bowen: Spurs fans will insist that Bowen is only playing rough, hard-nosed defense and isn’t intentionally trying to injure other players.  Why don’t we just let the video evidence of Mr. Bowen’s ‘tricks’ speak for itself. Stick your foot underneath a descending jump shooter? Check. Knee a player in the groin? Check. Kick the defender in the face?  Check and check. But of course, much like his other Spurs teammates, Bowen insists he’s never committed a foul in his life.

2. Karl Malone: The All-Defensive Team selections aren’t fooling anyone — Malone was a legendary cheap short artist. In fact, his elbow has as many career highlights as the Mailman himself, including ending a player’s college career by destroying his face, causing Isiah Thomas to get 40 stitches on his forehead, knocking David Robinson unconscious for two minutes, breaking Joe Kleine’s nose, and being Steve Nash’s dentist.  And then there are those “accidental” kicks to the man region…

3. Bill Laimbeer: The “Bad Boy” Pistons of the late ’80’s were collectively known for their aggressive style of defense, and Laimbeer was the enforcer, angering his opponents with constants pokes, slaps, and shoves in the back. After a vicious take down of Larry Bird in the playoffs, Robert Parish retaliated by punching Laimbeer in the face…and wasn’t even ejected! In an unforeseen turn of events, Laimbeer’s Detroit Shock team instigated the first brawl in WNBA histroy last season.

4. John Stockton: Malone’s partner in crime, the NBA’s all-time leader in assists and steals also set the most illegal screens in NBA history, routintely getting away with all kinds of low blows when the referees weren’t looking. Stockton was known for excessive holding, delivering hard elbows to the ribs, and pulling a defender down after a shot. Thankfully, his patented short shorts left no room for Stockton to hide a shiv.

5. Dennis Rodman: Remembered more for his craziest antics, Rodman had more subtle tactics to get into players’ heads. He’d pull on shorts, sneak in grabs and pushes, and extend his foot to trip a player running down the court. Rodman was once named the NBA’s dirtiest player in a poll of NBA players, coaches and execs, leading the commissioner to order The Worm to change his physical playing style. Too bad Stern never asked him to stop shopping at Victoria’s Secret.

6. Kobe Bryant: While Laker fans continue to insist it’s the defenders who keep attacking Kobe’s elbow with their faces, the whack to Ron Artest’s throat in the playoffs was hardly new territory. Over the last few years, Kobe’s been suspended for similarly elbowing Mike Miller and striking Manu Ginobili and Marco Jaric on his “extended follow through,” and earned a flagrant one for hitting Kyle Korver in the jaw. Apparently, the Black Mamba has a preference for white meat.

7. Rick Mahorn: When Mahorn and teammate Jeff Ruland, collectively known as McFilthy and McNasty, were on the Washington Bullets, players driving down the lane would finish layups on their backs. Mahorn later perfected a dirty defensive maneuver where he’d wait for a player to post him up, and then step away while tugging on the player’s jersey to make him fall down on the court. And of course, he showed Lisa Leslie how to fight Detroit-style last summer.

8. Charles Oakley: Michael Jordan’s personal bodyguard in Chicago, the Oak-man later enforced the Knicks’ “no easy layups” mentality with means picks, sharp elbows, and occasional punches. A rough physical presence, he always fouled hard, and wasn’t afraid to slap the likes of Jeff McInnis, Tyrone Hill, and even Shaquille O’Neal. Oakley was so ruthless that he’ll undoubtedly throw those ‘bows at the retirement home.

9. Reggie Evans: For all we know, it was an isolated incident (unless you count spanking Kyle Korver on the butt), but if there’s one rule on the basketball court, it’s never grab another guy’s testicles. Unfortunately, Evans did just that to gain a positional advantage during the 2006 playoffs, violating an unsuspecting Chris Kaman by putting his hand up his shorts and “pulling hard.” We still haven’t received word on whether it was the beans or the frank.

10. Robert Horry: Intentional or not, the biggest shot of Horry’s storied career came in the closing moments of Game 4 of the 2007 Western Conference Finals, when Horry mistook Steve Nash for Martin St. Louis and body-checked him into the scorers’ table, leading to suspensions for two Suns starters. The sequel came in 2008, when “Cheap Shot Bob” forced David West out of the game by blindsiding him in the back on a moving pick.

Quick (But Painful) Hits:

*Dikembe Mutombo: More clumsy than dirty, Deke’s teammates made him wear elbow pads in practice for their own protection.

*Isiah Thomas: Zeke didn’t just do the Knicks dirty — he subtly stepped on players’ feet when they dribbled the ball.

*Kenyon Martin: Notorious for vicious flagrants earlier in his career, K-Mart also has quite the dirty mouth!

*Charles Barkley: Never known for being much of a defender, Barkely used his elbows to his advantage on the court, and especially at the buffet line.

*Xavier McDaniel: Players knew not to mess with the X-Man — Al Bundy found out the hard way.

*Danny Fortson: the poor man’s Bill Laimbeer (not a compliment), Fortson did little on the court besides push, shove, and elbow — while sporting some mean pigtails.

*James Posey: Not afraid to deliver a blindsider and shoulder-block players when they’re least suspecting it.

*Raja Bell: Here at lowposts, we’ve got nothing but love for you, Raja.

*Peja Stojakovic: Whoops, we’re not talking about that kind of dirty…

Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.

Y’all Don’t Know is an ongoing exploration into all that is sinister, weird, creepy-crawly and loosey-goosey around us.

Did you know that there are mysterious, unexplainable energies whirling all around us as we speak? NO! ‘Cause Y’all Don’t Know!

Today on Y’all Don’t Know, we’re gonna talk about aliens! (more…)

We’ve previously looked at one side of the unique connection between rap and basketball — NBA players who’ve tried to (unsuccessfully) release rap albums.   A much more common phenomenon in today’s hip-hop/hoops era finds rappers mentioning basketball players in their lyrics.  In fact, it’s almost impossible to listen to a rap album and not hear a musician compare himself or his counterparts to his favorite players, usually with something lame like, “I’m number one like Tracy McGrady.”  There were probably more clichéd references to Shaq missing free throws in the mid-’90’s than, well, the actual number of missed free throws by the big man.  While Michael Jordan, LeBron James, and Allen Iverson, to name a few, have been name-dropped hundreds of times (according to Slam, Jordan has been acknowledged over 150 times himself), here are some of the more original and memorable rap lyrics that mention NBA stars.

Clyde, Rick Barry, and Pistol Pete,
Now these players, could never be beat,
Isiah, and Iceman too,
Just give ‘em the ball, and then you talk up too,
Dantley and Wilkins are on the scene,
And Ralph Sampson is really mean,
Bill Russell didn’t take no junk,
And Darryl Dawkins got a monster dunk

– Kurtis Blow “Basketball” (1984)

A hip-hop pioneer and a knowledgeable NBA fan, Kurtis Blow referred to dozens of other NBA superstars such as Julius Erving, Wilt Chamberlain, and Magic Johnson in his hit single. While the lyrics and video are badly outdated — not to mention that Blow is a dead-ringer for Dave Chappelle’s Prince — the song was monumental in establishing an early connection between rap and basketball. It’s since been used in commercials, including the Lil’ Penny ads, and was unfortunately remade by Lil’ Bow Wow in 2002 . Let’s just pretend that never happened.

Max mostly, undivided, then slide in, sickenin’
Guaranteed, made em jump like Rod Strickland

– Wu-Tang Clan “Triumph” (1997)

I have no idea why rappers love Strickland so much. Not only is he also mentioned on “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing Ta F’ With,” but his name appears on Pharoahe Monch’s “Official,” (”I walk the earth with my Rod in this Strick-land”), DMX’s “Sincerity” (”straight to the hole, like Rod Strickland”), and Method Man’s “Evil Streets” (”then the plot thickens, on point like Rod Strickland”). Is it just because his name is so easy to rhyme?  It’s too bad that Strick’s propensity to puke hot dogs during Wizards games (I actually saw this live once) never made it into a song.

“Who slam harder? Onyx or Vince Carter? (ONYX!)” – Onyx, “Slam Harder” (2002)

Carter’s name is found on countless rap songs, including the chorus of this commercial single. The funny thing is that by 2002, Vince wasn’t really slamming anymore, sitting out with a knee injury and eventually declaring that he “[didn't] want to dunk anymore.” “Slam Harder” was supposed to be Onyx’s comeback anthem, a follow-up to their 1993 hit “Slam,” but never translated into good album sales. The lesson here, as Raptors fans will be quick to tell you, is don’t rely on Vince Carter for anything.

Worry, I’m not Mike Jordan, of the mic recordin’
Hovi, baby, you Kobe, maybe Tracy McGrady
Matter fact, you Harold Miner, J.R. Rider, washed up on marijuana
Even worse you a Pervis Ellis, you worthless, fella
You ain’t no athlete, you Shawn Bradley

– Jay-Z “Pump It Up [Remix]” (2003)

Jay-Z is no stranger to NBA similes, foreshadowing his own comeback on “Encore,” (”come back like Jordan, wearing the 4-5“), and likening his competitors to Sam Bowie on “Hola Hovito.”  His verse on the remix of Joe Budden’s “Pump It Up” prompted rumors of a feud between the two rappers. If Jay-Z was really battling Budden, himself no stranger to “NBA” allusions, then throwing in four of the biggest busts in league history (including, quite fittingly, Baby Jordan) in a four-bar span was a knock-out punch.

During last season’s playoffs, a war of words between DeShawn Stevenson and LeBron James, who compared the Wizards guard to rapper Soulja Boy, led Jay-Z back in the booth.  The part owner of the New Jersey Nets recorded a Stevenson diss track, “Blow the Whistle,” and is currently working on a new record for LeBron, “To Live and Die in NJ,” to be released in the summer of 2010.

And y’all scared, I can tell / that Im’a get Bucks like Milwaukee, cause like Sam, I Cassell.  – Jadakiss, Put Ya Hands Up (2001)

It’s interesting to hear Cassell’s name pop up so often, since like Strickland, he was never a star player. He’s renowned for being clutch and looking like an alien, both of which are prominently covered by rappers: Drag-On (”And keep a guard wit ya that shoot, like Sam Cassell”); Cassidy (”And if I don’t sell, and plans should fail, man it’d get ugly like Sam Cassell”); and Redman (”Call me the Sam Cassell, shots two minute on the clock, cops know the SL handle well”). I only have one request — can someone make a testicle dance video before Sam retires?

“I’m just Kidd-in’ like Jason.” — Nelly, “Hot in Herre” (2002)

Nelly made a quick (and not particularly witty) play on words using Jason Kidd’s name on his biggest hit. Seriously though, Nelly, is that the best you could do, considering all we know about the husband of the year? How about, “I spit rhymes like J-Kidd spits french fries?” Yeah, this is probably why I’m not a rapper.

Quick Hits:

Snoop Dogg, Hoop Dreams (1999): Snoop imagines playing point guard for the Lakers and even makes a couple of transactions: “And we traded for a few players, some Pacers, Miller and Mullin, and now they Lakers.” Maybe the Clippers should consider hiring him instead of Isiah for that executive position?

Jay-Z, “La, La, La (Excuse Me Again)” (2004): “And I’m the Franchise like the Houston Rockets…” Just imagine Steve Francis’ excitement here, right before Jay finishes the line with, “…Yao Ming!”  Burn!

Wu-Tang Clan, “Starter” (2007):  “You’s starter, like Candace Parker, take flight like Skywalker, might wolf it on ya father.”  The whole first verse is about Candace Parker, and believe me, it only gets worse from here.

Wu-Tang Clan, “Soul in the Hole” (1999): “Sore losers take off they jersey, cause they ain’t James Worthy.”

Public Enemy, “Rebel Without a Pause” (1988): “I’ll throw it down your throat like Barkley.”

The Roots, “Ain’t Sayin’ Nothing New” (1999):  “I just back-slap that ass like Shaq did Ostertag.”

Nas, “These Are Our Heroes” (2004): “From OJ to Kobe, uh let’s call him Tobe … Yo, you can’t do better than that? The hotel clerk who adjusts the bathroom mat?”

Nelly Furtado: “Promiscuous,” (2006): “Is your game MVP like Steve Nash?”  It’s not rap, but it features and is produced by Timbaland.

Gnarls Barkley: the group name; Cee-Lo was a rapper in his former life.

Styles P, “Good Times (I Get High)” (2005): No rap references in the lyrics, but, um, is that Jalen Rose DJing at the 2:41 and 3:06 marks??

The only rapper who’s come close to playing in the NBA is Percy “Master P” Miller — hard as it is to believe now — who was on the preseason rosters of the Charlotte Hornets in 1998 and the Toronto Raptors in 1999.  Although he never appeared in a regular season game, he put out a mixtape in honor of his achivements.  Maybe one day, his son, Lil’ Romeo, a rap artist in his early teens who currently plays for USC will become the first true rapper-turned-baller. (Checks Romeo Miller’s stats).  Maybe not.

The Heat have been in Boston since Sunday night.

Four nights in Massachusetts for a Miami native must be like four nights on the Sun for a penguin.

By NBA standards, this makes them eligible to vote in Massachusetts.

Massholes are already pretty bad voters. They don’t need Florida voters helping them out.

Pro basketball teams are often in a city for less than 24 hours.

They come in, they ravish my body and they leave; never to call me again..

Wade & Co. came to the Hub

Don’t call it that..

after a loss in Philadelphia, and Spoelstra gave them the day off Monday. Wade did not walk the Freedom Trail.

Wade does not support freedom.

“It was a rest day, a day to get away from basketball,” he said.

Get away from me, basketball!

He took treatment for his shoulder, knee, and hip. And he watched a lot of “SportsCenter.”

No basketball there..

“I’m an ESPN guy,” he said. “A movie guy. Jacuzzi.

Jacuzzi Guy?

Our strength coach keeps us busy.”

Busy cleaning the jacuzzi.

If he’s hanging around in his hotel room, with “SportsCenter” looping in the background, does his head snap to attention when they cut to the latest D-Wade highlights?

Kinda like how Shaughnessy’s head snaps to attention when they cut to a Buckner highlight?

“Of course you watch it,” he said. “But right now it’s all about March Madness.”

Oh, and the playoff race. That too..

Like Doc Rivers, Wade is a Marquette man. Six years ago this week, Wade was on the Marquette team that beat Holy Cross, 72-68, in the first round of the NCAA tourney.

Wow, how did they handle the 2003 Holy Cross juggernaut?

“We rolled after that,” he remembered. “But besides losing to Kansas [in the national semifinals], that was our toughest game. We got to worry about Utah State right now.

Fear the Aggies. If I knew what an Aggie was, I would fear it.

“Doc always talks to me about the Warriors,

And how they like to come out & play-ee-yay.

but I remind him that I’m a Golden Eagle. He was a Warrior.

(Marquette caved to pressure and switched nicknames in 1994.)

That was a good move, though. Every time I call an Indian a Warrior, they get soooo pissed.

This is Miami’s first trip to Boston this year. One week ago, the Heat beat the undermanned Celtics, 107-99, in Miami.

WE WERE UNDERMANNED, DAMMIT! WE HAD LESS MEN THAN WE NORMALLY DO! AND IT WAS HUMID!!

“It’s going to be rockin’ here,” said Wade.

Yeah, dude! Keep on truckin’!

“We know how we play in front of our home crowd, and this is going to be a very tough atmosphere for us.

Because they are not our home crowd. They are an away crowd.

“We know we won’t see them in the first round, but maybe later in the second round. Something like that.

Kinda sorta maybe.

Hopefully, we stay out of their way for the first round. Hopefully, we stay in that 4-5 range, maybe meet them later.

Or not..

“Last year they had a lot of players on their team that hadn’t won a championship and it seemed like it took them forever to get it.

Those losers. Why didn’t they just have the refs call everything in their favor?

It’s even tougher to repeat.

It’s even tougher to repeat. Hey, no it isn’t!

Something we experienced. When you’re the champions, you’re every team’s big game and they get up for you no matter what. It’s very tough, especially not having all your guns.”

I need ammo!

Wade won his championship with Shaquille O’Neal. Now he’s on the comeback trail with Jermaine O’Neal. Smaller guy. Big difference.

Yeah. One’s good & one sucks.

“He is getting more comfortable in the offense,” said Wade.

In other words, he’s passing it to me more.

“It’s the vision of when he came here, to have that 1-2 punch with the pick-and-roll. Or you throw it into the post and let him work. It’s very tough to defend.

“Kind of pick your poison.

Rat poison! No wait, strychnine!

Blitz me and I have the opportunity to throw it to him

Shit, he thinks he’s a quarterback..

or let me come off for the open jumper. It’s something we envisioned when the trade happened.”

Plans for last night?

Ahh! Past Shaughnessy! We must warn him of his future!!

“I’ve heard good things about St. Patrick’s Day in Boston,” Wade said.

And Cinco de Mayo in Mexico is supposedly quite fun.

“But my plan is to stay out of the way.”

Huh, I thought black people loved the Irish..

Different plan tonight at the Garden.

Yeah, he’s gonna get wasted tonight..

Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com.

~~~

Another one bites the dust.

Once again, a Shaughnessy article that’s half-written by others. Oh, and of the three Shaughnessy Celtics posts we’ve done on lowposts so far? One was about Dwyane Wade & one was about Matt Bonner. Does Shaughnessy even live in Boston anymore?

Until we meet again, or until he writes another Celtics article (which might be midway through the Finals); remember, good citizens of Planet Earth:  Dan Shaughnessy is a complete & utter douche.

NBA Lessons will bring famous basketball celebrities, past and present, into your home to teach you important life lessons that simply can’t be learned in the streets.

Today’s lesson will be taught by TNT studio analyst Charles Barkley.. (more…)

As much as I like a few current NBA player commercials, such as the Charles Barkley and Dwyane Wade T-Mobile spots, they just don’t have the same charm as the late ’80s and mid-’90’s classics. Today’s generation of NBA stars dream of being actors and global icons, and as a result, the more polished and better-written advertisements often end up being less interesting and memorable. Instead of showcasing the ‘best’ commercials of all-time, here’s a list of the funniest ones ever made.

1. Larry Bird, Chardon Jeans: I don’t think it’s possible to have a more awesome commercial where the star doesn’t even have to say a word. You gotta love the grinding roller-skating waitresses and cheesy ’80’s music, but is Bird’s ass pressed up against the arcade game supposed to sell jeans?  When did the hick from French Lick become a sex symbol? This Celtics restaurant ad deserves to be mentioned here, too, if only we had better quality.

2. Magic Johnson, Kentucky Fried Chicken: We already know that Magic’s attempt at a late-night talk show failed miserably, and that was after he took speech lessons. It’s actually hard to understand how his on-the-court charisma never translated to the camera. There are quite a few awful Magic commercials from the late ’80’s and early ’90’s, but this absurd KFC ad is my favorite, just barely edging out his anti-drug PSA, “Don’t Foul Out!”  Can you tell he’s reading cue-cards?

3. Shaquille O’Neal, All-Sport: Shaq commercials could take up the next seven spots, since he had several terrible Pepsi ones, and this borderline-homoerotic Taco Bell ad with Hakeem Olajuwon (whoever thought this was a good idea should be fired). But the All-Sport one takes the cake for being so corny and badly out-dated, and plus, is it just me, or does the ball not even go in on Shaq’s over-the-shoulder, full court shot at the end? They couldn’t even get that right?

4. Larry Johnson, Converse: I had a Larry Johnson “Grandmama” poster on my wall as a kid, and I remember my mom thinking it was really weird. Looking back back now, I couldn’t agree more. I mean, why in the world would you dress up an NBA superstar as an elderly drag-queen, and does anyone understand what’s going on in these commercials?  It’s just laughably bad, and I’m getting more and more creeped out every time I play it.  Let’s move on.

5. Gheorge Muresan, Snickers: One of few intentionally funny commercials on the list, this Muresan spoof on Michael Jordan cologne is absolutely brilliant — major props to the big man for being such a good sport. There’s another Muresan ad that my friends and I loved, where he misses a shot and then says, “Score one for the kids!” I would honestly buy anything this hilarious man tried to sell me…well, except a copy of “My Giant.”

6. Vince Carter, Nike: Another head-scratcher — Vince Carter doing cartwheels and somersaults down the street in a Craig Sager-esque purple suit, rescuing a cat out of a tree and shooting it back to the owner like a fade-away jumper…makes perfect sense to me.  And did Joe Budden need cash that badly to provide the music?  It’s too bad it cuts off after 59 seconds, and we don’t get to see Carter falling to the floor and clutching his leg in agony for the next 15 minutes.

7. Darryl Dawkins, Wheaties: This would’ve been higher on the list if Mr. Chocolate Thunder had more than just a single bar to rap — a gimmick which of course, never fails when it comes to athletes — but he makes the most of what he’s given. If I’m not mistaken, the line is, “Before I slam my gorilla dunkies, I get the eaties for my Wheaties.” Oh, just imagine the comedy if only Dawkins had decided to venture out into a music career…then again, he’d still be better than Shaq or Kobe.

8. Magic Johnson, Isiah Thomas, Kevin McHale, Mark Aguirre, Bernard King, Larry Bird, Converse: Speaking of NBA players trying to rap, this classic Converse commercial features several ’80’s stars showing off their funky flows about the Converse Weapon.  Shockingly, Kevin McHale comes the closest to actually being on-beat, while Bird doesn’t even try to rap and flat-out says his lines. And no, I have no idea what Magic is trying to do here either.

9. Penny Hardaway, Nike: I’m sure everyone loved these Lil’ Penny commercials back in the day, which featured Chris Rock’s voice and appearances from Tyra Banks (back when she was damn fine) and Spike Lee. They were all pretty funny — I’m guessing limited dialogue for Penny and a professional comedian helped a little. I remembering thinking it was so cool to say Lil’ Penny’s lines on the basketball court…I regret that decision now.

10. Michael Jordan and Larry Bird, McDonalds: No list would be complete with this classic, which is arguably the most famous NBA commercial ever made.  Two legends playing a crazy game of horse is enough to warrant a chuckle by itself, but Bird’s, um, “acting” — it’s not a coincidence that he lands in three of the top ten — and Jordan’s ridiculous shirt pattern take it to another level. Oh, and I’m not sure why, but the voice-overs in this Spanish version just kill me.

Honorable Mention:

*Dominique Wilkins, Danny Ainge, Byron Scott, Doc Rivers, Nike:  Which name doesn’t belong?
*Charles Barkley, Reebok:  Not really sure what’s going on here…
*David Robison and Gary Payton, Nike:  ‘The Glove’ always comes through.
*Shawn Kemp, Reebok: Similar to the Barkley one, but even more confusing.
*Brent Barry, HEB:  It’s a local ad, but wow…
*Classic Sprite:  No NBA players, but it’s still one of the funniest basketball-themed ads ever.

That job sucked anyway

Barkley will be off the air for a minimum of several weeks, and no return date has been set.

Charles Barkley takes leave of absence

The NBA has been defined by rivalries since the beginning of time. Bulls vs. Pistons. Bird. vs ‘Nique. Knicks vs. Heat. Shaq vs. Kobe. Lakers vs. Celtics. LeBron vs. World Domination. Over the last few years, the playoffs have featured heated battles between the aging Spurs and run-and-gun Suns, the star-packed Wizards and the Cleveland LeBrons, and of course, the suddenly-dominant Celtics and the whiny Lakers. So what are the biggest rivalries of the 2008/09 season?

Bruce Bowen vs. Unsuspecting Ankles: Is it just me, or has it been a while since a player accused Bowen of being “dirty” and unsportsmanlike? Well, rest assured, because no season can be complete without The Ankle Breaker striking another victim. He’s like the NBA’s version of Dexter — the evil inside him can’t be contained for long…well, except that everyone knows about it and hates him.

Don Nelson vs. Fantasy Owners: With Mike Shanahan now out of the NFL, Nelson becomes the de facto coach that fantasy owners can’t stand. Making sense of the Warriors’ depth chart is like trying to figure out how Keanu Reeves is still headlining movies. Who’s getting the big minutes tonight? Anthony Morrow? Kelenna Azubuike? Marco Belinelli? Marcus Williams? Okay, probably not Marcus.

DeShawn Stevenson vs. the Skita Line: What’s the Skita line, you ask? Well, you may remember Nikoloz Tskitishvili from Part III of the McHale Files.  What I somehow failed to mention, is that he actually had the worst shooting season in NBA history (.293 FG% in 81 games) — that’s right, even lower than Jason Kidd.  Stevenson’s field goal percentage is slightly under 32% right now, and from the way he jacks up bad shots, the record is within reach.

Charles Barkley vs. Vice: So what that he’s not an NBA player anymore — Sir Charles knows how to par-tay with the best of ‘em. From countless DUI tickets and late-night binges, to occasionally soliciting prostitutes for oral sex, Barkley is a walking Law & Order episode.  Tonight on NBC:  Ripped from the headlines — a former basketball player can’t control his urges, and it leads…to murder in the casino! “I swear officer, I didn’t see nothing..but I’ll bet you I know who did it.  Hey, are you gon’ finish that?.”  This is turrible.  (That last part wasn’t Charles speaking…that was me for coming up with that awful premise.)

Chris Bosh vs. Whoopi Goldberg: No, they don’t hate each other, and probably never even met. I’m talking about the hair. At first, Bosh’s ‘twisties’ were cool and different from the same old cornrows. But since he’s refused to cut his hair for the last few years, he’s started to look more and more like Whoopi. At the rate he’s going, Bosh could fill in for her on The View and no one would bat an eye. And come to think of it, Whoopi was an awesome coach in Eddie…this could actually work out well for both sides.

Brian Scalabrine vs. basketball: At some point, it stops being a joke — and this might be the year. Scal is currently shooting a career-best from the field (.417) and averaging the fewest turnovers per game of his eight (!) pro seasons. Okay, enough — I’ll never understand how he’s earning a sizable NBA paycheck, when skilled players are forced to go overseas or rot away in the D-League.  He has to have incriminating photos of every GM in the NBA…that’s the only explanation.

Tracy McGrady vs. the 2nd Round: Say it with him now, “IT’S ON ME!”

Stephon Marbury vs. Mixed Metaphors: Stephon bears gifts for bloggers every time he opens his mouth. From not letting Mike D’Antoni “walk [his] dog across the street,” to getting “shot in the head by [his] own guys in [his] foxhole,” the Mr. Intern-Lover-Lover unleashes nuggets of wisdom with every breath. I can’t wait for him to get to Boston and start comparing four leaf clovers and leprechauns to the marshmallow shapes he found in his bowl of Lucky Charms.

Darius Miles vs. the Portland Trailblazers Salary Cap:  If Miles plays in 10 games this season, the Blazers will be on the hook for his $9 million salary.  He was cut by the Celtics before the season started, but lo and behold, he signed with the Grizzlies and played two minutes against Dallas.  If only the Blazers still had Ruben Patterson — he’d know how to take care of this situation…or at least know someone who would.

Honorable Mention:

*Kevin Durant vs. the Weightroom
*Greg Oden vs. Osteoporosis
*Ron Artest vs. Sanity

Quick, who’s the biggest draft bust in NBA history? LaRue Martin, Chris Washburn, and Dennis Hopson might merit some consideration, but I’m guessing you thought of Sam Bowie. Selected second overall by the Portland Trail Blazers in 1984 — ahead of Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and John Stockton –he had a mediocre and injury-plagued career that serves as a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of drafting for need over potential. While many consider him to be the biggest bust in NBA history, Bowie actually had a serviceable career, especially in his later years with the Nets. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for many of the other players on this list. Here are the biggest draft blunders of the Kevin McHale era.

1. Michael Olowokandi (No. 1 by the Los Angeles Clippers, 1998): Do you think Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis, or Mike Bibby might’ve been the better pick? How about Al Harrington, Jason Williams, or even Nazr Mohammed? You get the point. Olowokandi averaged 8 points and 7 rebounds over his nine-year career, and shot a putrid 43% from the field and under 60% from the foul line. The Clippers traded him to Minnesota after five seasons, and he’d finish his NBA career as a lowly reserve in Boston, playing behind the likes of Brian Scalabrine and Kevinn “Not A Typo” Pinkney. At least those guys picked after him didn’t amount to anything worthwhile.

2. Kwame Brown (No. 1 by the Washington Wizards, 2001): Already a member of the worst trades club, Kwame barely escapes top bust honors. After being selected first overall by then-GM Michael Jordan, Brown had a hard time handling pressure from the media, and especially from Jordan himself. He holds career averages of 7 points and 6 rebounds per game, including one double-figure scoring season in 2003. Although he’s still just 26 years years old, no one is foolish enough to trade Caron Butler or Pau Gasol for him again (okay, who am I kidding — this is still the NBA). Oh, and in addition to the birthday cake incident I mentioned before, Kwame once skipped a playoff practice because his tummy hurt — only to be spotted at a local Chinese restaurant the same night.

3.  Darko Milicic (No 2. by the Detroit Pistons, 2003):  As much as he wants to deny it, Joe Dumars regrets this pick every day.  Sure, the Pistons won a title that season, but would they have been worse off with Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, or Zarko Cabarkapa coming off the bench?  Darko appeared in just 96 games with the Pistons, averaging less than 2 points and barely a rebound, before being traded to Orlando for a mid-range first round pick.  It’s only a matter of time before Hamed Haddadi becomes his, um, daddy in Memphis. Shouldn’t he at least be dating a hot European model or something?

4. Nikoloz Tskitishvili (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 2002): This pick actually makes the Milicic selection look even worse, since it’s hard to imagine a GM gambling on a European big man after watching Tskitishvili. Taken ahead of Amare Stoudemire, Caron Butler, and Carlos Boozer, he played only four seasons in the NBA, averaging less than 3 points and 2 rebounds per game. But at least it’s fun to say Skita, Skita, Skita! No, wait, that’s not that fun either…never mind.  DaJuan Wagner (No. 6 by the Cleveland Cavaliers) also deserves to be mentioned here, but at least he had a decent rookie season (13 ppg)…and um, he no longer has a colon.

5. Rafael Araujo (No. 8 by the Toronto Raptors, 2004): Saying the Raptors blew this pick is an understatement. Here are just a few players taken after “Hoffa:” Andre Iguodala, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, Andris Biedrins, Kevin Martin, Beno Udrih, and Anderson Varejao. I love how his Wikipedia entry says that he “left the NBA” to play in Russia. Right…he left the NBA of his own volition; it had nothing to do with the 2.8 points and 2.8 rebounds he averaged over three seasons.  Araujo attended Minnesota’s training camp this summer, but couldn’t beat out Jason Collins or Calvin Booth for a roster spot on one of the worst teams in the league.

6.  Rodney White (No. 9 by the Detroit Pistons, 2001): Take a look at the 2001 NBA Draft, and scan the players taken after White. I’ll give you a minute. Let’s see, there’s Joe Johnson, Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Troy Murphy, Samuel Dalembert, Kedrick Brown…okay, maybe not Kedrick.  White played one season with the Pistons, before being traded to the Nuggets for Menk Bateer, Don Reid and a future first round pick. Yep, I think that just about says it all. He’s been out of the league since 2005, finishing his 218-game career with career averages of 7 points and 2 rebounds.

7. Jonathan Bender (No. 5 by the Toronto Raptors [traded to Indiana Pacers], 1999): Bender gets a slight pass here because it’s hard to be mad at the guy now. After retiring at the age of 25 due to a debilitating knee condition, he established the Jonathan Bender Foundation, a nonprofit initiative that builds and restores homes in poor New Orleans neighborhoods and offers free classes and basketball clinics.  Nonetheless, Bender averaged just 6 points and 2 rebounds over his nondescript career, appearing in 31 games over his final three seasons.  He was selected ahead of Shawn Marion, Corey Maggette, Wally Szcerbiak, Andre Miller, and Richard Hamilton, and even the man he was traded for, Antonio Davis, somehow became an All-Star.

8. Ed O’Bannon, Nets (No. 9 by the New Jersey Nets, 1995): Ed lasted only two seasons in the NBA after a spectacular career at UCLA, averaging a quiet 5 points for the Nets and Mavericks.  His only saving grace is that, aside from Michael Finley, only a few prominent players were selected after him (Kurt Thomas, Corliss Williamson, Brent Barry).  Oh, and he’s now a car salesman in Nevada — and proud of it!.  I also could’ve gone with Shawn Respert (No. 8 by the Milwaukee Bucks) in this spot, but he later revealed that he battled — and courageously beat — cancer during his disappointing four-year pro career.

9. Marcus Fizer (No. 4 by the Chicago Bulls, 2000):  Let’s make one thing clear:  2000 was a historically bad draft class.  Of the lottery picks, only Kenyon Martin, Mike Miller, and Jamal Crawford have had solid NBA careers.   But Stromile Swift, DeMarr Johnson, Chris Mihm, and Jerome Moiso?  Any of these guys can claim a spot on this list, so, why did I choose Marcus Fizer?  Because he’s the only one who’s been an NBA Development League MVP. Ha, take that, critics!  Oh, and in addition to Miller and Crawford, Michael Redd (taken at #43!), Hedo Turkoglu, and Joel Pryzbilla were also drafted after him.

10.  Shelden Williams (No. 5 by the Atlanta Hawks, 2005):  I don’t want to diss Mr. Candace Parker yet again, so I’ll keep this brief.  Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, and Rudy Gay were taken after him in succession.  His numbers have decreased in each of his first three seasons, and he can’t get off the Kings’ bench during a rebuilding year.  Oh, and he’s ugly as all hell (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

Dishonorable Mention:

Fran Vasquez (No. 11 by the Orlando Magic, 2005)
Trajan Langdon (No. 11 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 1999)
Todd Fuller (No. 11 by the Golden State Warriors, 1996)
Luke Jackson (No. 10 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 2004)
Tony Battie (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 1997)
Frederic Weis (No. 15 by the New York Knicks, 1999)
Saer Sene (No. 10 by the Seattle SuperSonics, 2006)