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Merry Christmas, ya gosh-darned boondoggles!

(chortles)

(snarfs eggnog onto fake beard)

(chortles again)

Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.

Y’all Don’t Know is an ongoing exploration into all that is sinister, weird, creepy-crawly and loosey-goosey around us.

Did you know that there are mysterious, unexplainable energies whirling all around us as we speak? NO! ‘Cause Y’ALL DON’T KNOW!

Today on Y’all Don’t Know, we’re gonna talk about Chupacabra! (more…)

Hello. And welcome to Y’all Don’t Know. I’m your host, Anthony Mason.

Y’all Don’t Know is an ongoing exploration into all that is sinister, weird, creepy-crawly and loosey-goosey around us.

Did you know that there are mysterious, unexplainable energies whirling all around us as we speak? NO! ‘Cause Y’ALL DON’T KNOW!

Today on Y’all Don’t Know, we’re gonna talk about Humanzees! (more…)

(Matt Carroll is dribbling a basketball in a corner of the Mavericks’ practice arena, facing the wall watching paint dry..)

Carroll: Is that azure or cyan?..

Mysterious Voice: MATTHEW CARROLL!

Carroll: (dribbles ball off foot and it rolls away)  Oh, fer cryin’ out loud! (more…)

Howard: Ay, man. Check out what these Chinese sayin’ ’bout you!

Carroll: (peruses Chinese paper)

Carroll: Loose-skinned? Orange? Smelly?

Howard: Shit’s hilarious! (more…)

(Matt Carroll is sweeping up the Mavericks locker room and singing to himself..)

Carroll: Billie Jean’s not my gosh-darn lover
She’s just a girl..who thinks I’m pretty neat..

Howard: (sprinting into the locker room)  Ay, man. Did ya hear?

Carroll: Probably. But remind me.

Howard: He’s dead!

Carroll: Oh, yes. Wasn’t that tragic?

Howard: Man, I been bawlin’ all night! (more…)

At the suggestion of the fine gentlemen over at freedarko.com (fine in the gentlemanly sense, not in the “Goddayamn, look’t dat sweet ass!” sense), I have decided to revise the requirements for The Absolute Zero Award (Brought to you by Crystal Pepsi). Ten games simply isn’t enough of a sample size in order to properly analyze who is the worst player in the NBA. A ten-day contract here or there can get you some pretty crappy players. But we here at lowposts.com are looking for a different kind of crappy. A special kind of crappy.

Every day crappy. The kind of crappy that steps on that hardwood floor for a couple minutes every other day, just stands there and says “Man, I’m crappy.” And then gets dunked on by a 48-year-old Vince Carter. Now that’s crappy. (more…)

(One afternoon in the Mavericks locker room..)

Howard: And then you like, “Well ya better go catch it, n*gga!”

Carroll: Oh, chortle! (chortles)

Howard: (giggles)

Carroll: (turns to Josh, grinning)  It’s ringing!

Howard: (giggles)

Stern: Hello? David Stern’s office.. (more…)

(Anthony Mason, Andrew Bogut & Brent Barry are at the NBA Bungalow..)

Mason: (chuckle)

Bogut: (guffaw)

Barry: (hearty laugh) (more…)