Jan
07
2010
5

BOOM-SHAKALAKA!!

Gore-tastic!

Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
(more…)

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Mar
26
2009
0

Zach Randolph Is Fucking Insane. Also Fat..

Newsday Reporter: Zach, what do you think about the Knicks moving you in order to clear up space for Lebron & Chris Bosh in two years?

Randolph: I’m better than Chris Bosh. (more…)

Mar
11
2009
2

The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ: The Raptors

The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade Carousel is an ongoing project, exploring the potential destinations of the world’s foremost shoe salesman suffering from multiple personality disorder, Lebron James. All thirty teams (and perhaps some European squads) will be analyzed and awarded an arbitrary percentage on their odds of being Lebronorized. Past teams can be accessed here.

Today: The Toronto Raptors.. (more…)

Feb
02
2009
0

Bryan Colangelo Earns His Executive of the Year Award..

(Raptors center Chris Bosh is suiting up before Tuesday’s Cavs game when GM Bryan Colangelo approaches him in the locker room..)

Colangelo: Chris!

Bosh: (tying shoes, not looking up)  Mmhmm?

Colangelo: Re-sign with us.

Bosh: (shakes head)  Nah. (more…)

Jan
07
2009
2

It’s So Cold in the T..

“Yaaaaaaarrrrrrggghhhhhhh!!”

Jermaine O’Neal tears his anterior cruciate ligament while sipping from a can of Sunkist.

“Oooh, that stings. Yo! Andre Banana! Get me an ice pack!”

Andrei Bargnani rolls his eyes, “Jermaine, for the last time, my name is Bargnani. Bar-neon-ee.”

“Just get me a ice pack, Bananaman!” (more…)

Jan
04
2009
0

UNI Vs: The NBA’s Biggest Rivalries

The NBA has been defined by rivalries since the beginning of time. Bulls vs. Pistons. Bird. vs ‘Nique. Knicks vs. Heat. Shaq vs. Kobe. Lakers vs. Celtics. LeBron vs. World Domination. Over the last few years, the playoffs have featured heated battles between the aging Spurs and run-and-gun Suns, the star-packed Wizards and the Cleveland LeBrons, and of course, the suddenly-dominant Celtics and the whiny Lakers. So what are the biggest rivalries of the 2008/09 season?

Bruce Bowen vs. Unsuspecting Ankles: Is it just me, or has it been a while since a player accused Bowen of being “dirty” and unsportsmanlike? Well, rest assured, because no season can be complete without The Ankle Breaker striking another victim. He’s like the NBA’s version of Dexter — the evil inside him can’t be contained for long…well, except that everyone knows about it and hates him.

Don Nelson vs. Fantasy Owners: With Mike Shanahan now out of the NFL, Nelson becomes the de facto coach that fantasy owners can’t stand. Making sense of the Warriors’ depth chart is like trying to figure out how Keanu Reeves is still headlining movies. Who’s getting the big minutes tonight? Anthony Morrow? Kelenna Azubuike? Marco Belinelli? Marcus Williams? Okay, probably not Marcus.

DeShawn Stevenson vs. the Skita Line: What’s the Skita line, you ask? Well, you may remember Nikoloz Tskitishvili from Part III of the McHale Files.  What I somehow failed to mention, is that he actually had the worst shooting season in NBA history (.293 FG% in 81 games) — that’s right, even lower than Jason Kidd.  Stevenson’s field goal percentage is slightly under 32% right now, and from the way he jacks up bad shots, the record is within reach.

Charles Barkley vs. Vice: So what that he’s not an NBA player anymore — Sir Charles knows how to par-tay with the best of ‘em. From countless DUI tickets and late-night binges, to occasionally soliciting prostitutes for oral sex, Barkley is a walking Law & Order episode.  Tonight on NBC:  Ripped from the headlines — a former basketball player can’t control his urges, and it leads…to murder in the casino! “I swear officer, I didn’t see nothing..but I’ll bet you I know who did it.  Hey, are you gon’ finish that?.”  This is turrible.  (That last part wasn’t Charles speaking…that was me for coming up with that awful premise.)

Chris Bosh vs. Whoopi Goldberg: No, they don’t hate each other, and probably never even met. I’m talking about the hair. At first, Bosh’s ‘twisties’ were cool and different from the same old cornrows. But since he’s refused to cut his hair for the last few years, he’s started to look more and more like Whoopi. At the rate he’s going, Bosh could fill in for her on The View and no one would bat an eye. And come to think of it, Whoopi was an awesome coach in Eddie…this could actually work out well for both sides.

Brian Scalabrine vs. basketball: At some point, it stops being a joke — and this might be the year. Scal is currently shooting a career-best from the field (.417) and averaging the fewest turnovers per game of his eight (!) pro seasons. Okay, enough — I’ll never understand how he’s earning a sizable NBA paycheck, when skilled players are forced to go overseas or rot away in the D-League.  He has to have incriminating photos of every GM in the NBA…that’s the only explanation.

Tracy McGrady vs. the 2nd Round: Say it with him now, “IT’S ON ME!”

Stephon Marbury vs. Mixed Metaphors: Stephon bears gifts for bloggers every time he opens his mouth. From not letting Mike D’Antoni “walk [his] dog across the street,” to getting “shot in the head by [his] own guys in [his] foxhole,” the Mr. Intern-Lover-Lover unleashes nuggets of wisdom with every breath. I can’t wait for him to get to Boston and start comparing four leaf clovers and leprechauns to the marshmallow shapes he found in his bowl of Lucky Charms.

Darius Miles vs. the Portland Trailblazers Salary Cap:  If Miles plays in 10 games this season, the Blazers will be on the hook for his $9 million salary.  He was cut by the Celtics before the season started, but lo and behold, he signed with the Grizzlies and played two minutes against Dallas.  If only the Blazers still had Ruben Patterson — he’d know how to take care of this situation…or at least know someone who would.


Honorable Mention
:

*Kevin Durant vs. the Weightroom
*Greg Oden vs. Osteoporosis
*Ron Artest vs. Sanity

Dec
25
2008
2

The McHale Files: Part III (Worst Draft Picks)

Quick, who’s the biggest draft bust in NBA history? LaRue Martin, Chris Washburn, and Dennis Hopson might merit some consideration, but I’m guessing you thought of Sam Bowie. Selected second overall by the Portland Trail Blazers in 1984 — ahead of Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and John Stockton –he had a mediocre and injury-plagued career that serves as a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of drafting for need over potential. While many consider him to be the biggest bust in NBA history, Bowie actually had a serviceable career, especially in his later years with the Nets. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for many of the other players on this list. Here are the biggest draft blunders of the Kevin McHale era.

1. Michael Olowokandi (No. 1 by the Los Angeles Clippers, 1998): Do you think Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis, or Mike Bibby might’ve been the better pick? How about Al Harrington, Jason Williams, or even Nazr Mohammed? You get the point. Olowokandi averaged 8 points and 7 rebounds over his nine-year career, and shot a putrid 43% from the field and under 60% from the foul line. The Clippers traded him to Minnesota after five seasons, and he’d finish his NBA career as a lowly reserve in Boston, playing behind the likes of Brian Scalabrine and Kevinn “Not A Typo” Pinkney. At least those guys picked after him didn’t amount to anything worthwhile.

2. Kwame Brown (No. 1 by the Washington Wizards, 2001): Already a member of the worst trades club, Kwame barely escapes top bust honors. After being selected first overall by then-GM Michael Jordan, Brown had a hard time handling pressure from the media, and especially from Jordan himself. He holds career averages of 7 points and 6 rebounds per game, including one double-figure scoring season in 2003. Although he’s still just 26 years years old, no one is foolish enough to trade Caron Butler or Pau Gasol for him again (okay, who am I kidding — this is still the NBA). Oh, and in addition to the birthday cake incident I mentioned before, Kwame once skipped a playoff practice because his tummy hurt — only to be spotted at a local Chinese restaurant the same night.

3.  Darko Milicic (No 2. by the Detroit Pistons, 2003):  As much as he wants to deny it, Joe Dumars regrets this pick every day.  Sure, the Pistons won a title that season, but would they have been worse off with Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, or Zarko Cabarkapa coming off the bench?  Darko appeared in just 96 games with the Pistons, averaging less than 2 points and barely a rebound, before being traded to Orlando for a mid-range first round pick.  It’s only a matter of time before Hamed Haddadi becomes his, um, daddy in Memphis. Shouldn’t he at least be dating a hot European model or something?

4. Nikoloz Tskitishvili (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 2002): This pick actually makes the Milicic selection look even worse, since it’s hard to imagine a GM gambling on a European big man after watching Tskitishvili. Taken ahead of Amare Stoudemire, Caron Butler, and Carlos Boozer, he played only four seasons in the NBA, averaging less than 3 points and 2 rebounds per game. But at least it’s fun to say Skita, Skita, Skita! No, wait, that’s not that fun either…never mind.  DaJuan Wagner (No. 6 by the Cleveland Cavaliers) also deserves to be mentioned here, but at least he had a decent rookie season (13 ppg)…and um, he no longer has a colon.

5. Rafael Araujo (No. 8 by the Toronto Raptors, 2004): Saying the Raptors blew this pick is an understatement. Here are just a few players taken after “Hoffa:” Andre Iguodala, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, Andris Biedrins, Kevin Martin, Beno Udrih, and Anderson Varejao. I love how his Wikipedia entry says that he “left the NBA” to play in Russia. Right…he left the NBA of his own volition; it had nothing to do with the 2.8 points and 2.8 rebounds he averaged over three seasons.  Araujo attended Minnesota’s training camp this summer, but couldn’t beat out Jason Collins or Calvin Booth for a roster spot on one of the worst teams in the league.

6.  Rodney White (No. 9 by the Detroit Pistons, 2001): Take a look at the 2001 NBA Draft, and scan the players taken after White. I’ll give you a minute. Let’s see, there’s Joe Johnson, Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Troy Murphy, Samuel Dalembert, Kedrick Brown…okay, maybe not Kedrick.  White played one season with the Pistons, before being traded to the Nuggets for Menk Bateer, Don Reid and a future first round pick. Yep, I think that just about says it all. He’s been out of the league since 2005, finishing his 218-game career with career averages of 7 points and 2 rebounds.

7. Jonathan Bender (No. 5 by the Toronto Raptors [traded to Indiana Pacers], 1999): Bender gets a slight pass here because it’s hard to be mad at the guy now. After retiring at the age of 25 due to a debilitating knee condition, he established the Jonathan Bender Foundation, a nonprofit initiative that builds and restores homes in poor New Orleans neighborhoods and offers free classes and basketball clinics.  Nonetheless, Bender averaged just 6 points and 2 rebounds over his nondescript career, appearing in 31 games over his final three seasons.  He was selected ahead of Shawn Marion, Corey Maggette, Wally Szcerbiak, Andre Miller, and Richard Hamilton, and even the man he was traded for, Antonio Davis, somehow became an All-Star.

8. Ed O’Bannon, Nets (No. 9 by the New Jersey Nets, 1995): Ed lasted only two seasons in the NBA after a spectacular career at UCLA, averaging a quiet 5 points for the Nets and Mavericks.  His only saving grace is that, aside from Michael Finley, only a few prominent players were selected after him (Kurt Thomas, Corliss Williamson, Brent Barry).  Oh, and he’s now a car salesman in Nevada — and proud of it!.  I also could’ve gone with Shawn Respert (No. 8 by the Milwaukee Bucks) in this spot, but he later revealed that he battled — and courageously beat — cancer during his disappointing four-year pro career.

9. Marcus Fizer (No. 4 by the Chicago Bulls, 2000):  Let’s make one thing clear:  2000 was a historically bad draft class.  Of the lottery picks, only Kenyon Martin, Mike Miller, and Jamal Crawford have had solid NBA careers.   But Stromile Swift, DeMarr Johnson, Chris Mihm, and Jerome Moiso?  Any of these guys can claim a spot on this list, so, why did I choose Marcus Fizer?  Because he’s the only one who’s been an NBA Development League MVP. Ha, take that, critics!  Oh, and in addition to Miller and Crawford, Michael Redd (taken at #43!), Hedo Turkoglu, and Joel Pryzbilla were also drafted after him.

10.  Shelden Williams (No. 5 by the Atlanta Hawks, 2005):  I don’t want to diss Mr. Candace Parker yet again, so I’ll keep this brief.  Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, and Rudy Gay were taken after him in succession.  His numbers have decreased in each of his first three seasons, and he can’t get off the Kings’ bench during a rebuilding year.  Oh, and he’s ugly as all hell (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

Dishonorable Mention:

What's the deal with #11?

Fran Vasquez (No. 11 by the Orlando Magic, 2005)
Trajan Langdon (No. 11 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 1999)
Todd Fuller (No. 11 by the Golden State Warriors, 1996)
Luke Jackson (No. 10 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 2004)
Tony Battie (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 1997)
Frederic Weis (No. 15 by the New York Knicks, 1999)
Saer Sene (No. 10 by the Seattle SuperSonics, 2006)

Written by doktakra in: doktakra | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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