(New Orleans Hornets owner George Shinn is sitting in his office, with his feet up on his desk when he’s joined by new GM Dell Demps..)
Shinn: (whistling)
Demps: Hey, George.
Shinn: Hey, Dell. (whistles)
Demps: Um, why’s everybody leaving?
Shinn: (shrugs, whistles)
Clintastic!
In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii. If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.
There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer. My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.
Without further ado, I present the three players – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis. I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves. Whoops, bad choice of words there.
(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson. Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
(more…)
It’s been almost two months since Bob Ryan spoke on the sport of basketball. He’s been too busy defending the elderly Bill Belichick. LEAVE GRAMPA ALONE!
Today Bob discusses Brandon Jennings and the fact that he must bow at the altar of KG, the first man to say “College is for pussies.” (Except for Reggie Harding & Spencer Haywood & Darryl Dawkins & Bill Willoughby & Moses Malone & Lloyd Daniels & Shawn Kemp; but after them, JUST KG!!)
The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..
Round 2: #2 Denver Nuggets vs. #6 Dallas Mavericks.. (more…)
Michael Mann’s feature film Public Enemies is due to be released in July. The tale of the greatest crime wave America’s ever seen and the birth of the FBI in the early 1930’s stars Batman as FBI Agent Melvin Purvis & that gay pirate as bank robber extraordinaire John Dillinger.
Constant repeated viewing of the trailers got me thinking about which NBA stars best relate to which Great Depression-era gangster figures, seeing as how we’re in a Pretty Good Depression of our own these days.. (more…)
The Combos® Playoff Previews are a series of analytical breakdowns of every matchup in the 2009 NBA Playoffs. They are sponsored by Combos..
Round 1: #2 Denver Nuggets vs. #7 New Orleans Hornets.. (more…)
People tell me we are currently in an economic recession. I wouldn’t know, as I am a wealthy haberdasher. (more…)
The 2009 NBA All-Star Game is just days away, and there is still so very little we know about these mysterious starters.
Who are they? Where do they come from? What are their dreams? What’s their favorite dinosaur?
Today, we will try to answer some of those questions with an interesting factoid on every starter..
And if your favorite dinosaur isn’t a pterodactyl, you’re an idiot.. (more…)
(Hornets point guard Chris Paul is driving the lane when he hears something pop “down there” and crumples to the floor..) (more…)
After a long Rockets road trip, Tracy McGrady gets home and rushes straight to his game room where he fires up his XBOX 360 and Volcano.
[turns on Volcano]
[turns on Xbox 360]
God damn! It’s been too long! Imma wreck shop today.
Heh. None of that campaign shit … MULTIPLAYER BITCHES.
Hell yeah.
Hmmm
I wonder if anybody’s online.
Oh nice. Chris Paul is on.
Message from MonitorLizard to isdatsumCP: can I join ur prty?
[No response]
Message from MonitorLizard to isdatsumCP: Hey, can I join ur prty?
Message from isdatsumCP to MonitorLizard: No.
Asshole.
Anyway, I’ve got a world war at my fingertips! Time to battle.
Hmmm… Should I snipe or get out the machine gun.
[hits bag]
Screw it, I’m gonna go with the rifle.
[hits bag]
[hits bag]
[hits bag]
[hits bag]
Okay.. got my mind right. SHAKE AND BAKE!!!
Heh. Bake.
Time to rid the world of Yao’s cousins.
[Gets killed]
[Respawns]
Man, if only I could respawn in real life.
[Gets Killed]
Or maybe just respawn new body parts.
Damn, I’m high.
[Xbox abruptly shuts off]
Hey!
What the….
Tracy’s jaw drops as a look of horror overcomes him.
NO….
NOT AGAIN!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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