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(Allen Iverson strides into morning practice at the Wachovia Center..)

Iverson: I’m back, bitches!

Stefanski: (follows closely behind, throwing rose petals at his feet)

Iverson: Who wants to give AI a hug?

(more…)

I'm not sure Brent Price got the memo here... (Image courtesy of SactownRoyalty.com)

While Hedo Turkoglu shouldn’t quit his day job to start a rap career, he certainly wouldn’t be the first former Sacramento King to venture into a new area of business.  In fact, Eze of A Royal Pain and I have once again joined forces to uncover what some of the teams’ best players have been up to in their post-Kings days.  Let’s take a look.

Jason Williams:  Williams couldn’t stay retired for long, and soon became a respected professor of Chinese Studies at a local university. “I went from confused to Confucius, homes!” he shouted when reached by phone. Word has it that J-Will refuses to allow his students to call him by his last name, and instead prefers to be called, “Professor White Boy.”

Read the knuckles to find out Professor Williams' name of choice.

Mike Bibby:  Bibby finally combined his two loves, basketball and manicures, to release “Bibbalicious Nail Clippers,” a grooming set designed to be used during games.  ”There were times when Rick [Adelman] would sub me back in, but I had to tell him, ‘Nah, man, not ’til I finish the acrylic tips.  I didn’t want someone to have to go through that again.”

Vlade Divac:  Vlade had a difficult time after leaving Sacramento, and his smoking habit was out of control.  ”I was smoking five packs a day, and needed help,” he confesses in his latest commercial for “Vlade’s Patch,” Nicoderm’s biggest rival.  He adds, “this is the only nicotine patch you can trust, because you know it won’t flop,” with a wink to the camera.

Vlade's Patch won't ever flop...

Scot Pollard:  Pollard opened a barbershop that specialized in Color Me Badd hairstyles and goatees, but was forced to shut down operations when Kevin Love was his best and only customer.  He then began moonlighting as a D.A.S.E. (Drug Abuse Submission Education) officer, encouraging kids to do drugs.

Brad Miller: Although he doesn’t remember how he came up with the idea, Brad’s line of snack products, “Miller’s Munchies,” has become one of the best sellers on the market. “It’s because it’s high on flavor,” he claims, before giggling uncontrollably. “Just don’t tell them who my best customer is, or he’ll end up confistacting this tape.”

Miller's Munchies are high on flavor...

Chris Webber: Still fuming after a rehabilitation center used his name without permission — “Webber’s Wehab: Knee Braces & More” — C-Webb declined to take time out for an interview.

Doug Christie: After the Christies left Sacramento, Doug’s wife was no longer able to keep tabs on her husband’s every move.  Out came, “Doug Jackie Christie’s Dog Leashes,” designed to “keep your man in check when he’s actin’ wild…like talking to some hoochie.”

This is an actual promo shot from their reality show, "Committed." I kid you not.

Bonzi Wells:  Wells took his contract negotiating skills to the financial world.  He turned down a multi-year offer from Goldman Sachs to become a Lehman Brothers intern.  When that failed to work out, he opened his own Goodwill store and is waiting for your donation.

Lawrence Funderburke:  Funderburke opened “Fundy’s Bench & Chair Shop,” the only local retailer specializing in making custom benches.  ”It’s what I know best from my time with the Kings.  I’m actually recruiting Mateen [Cleaves] to come cheer for us.  No one waves a towel like that dude.”

I'm too sexy for my shirt...

We Also Hear:

*Ronnie Price: Capitalizing on his own 15 minutes of fame, Price is now working as a celebrity acting coach for reality stars.

*Cuttino Mobley:  Mobley, along with co-founder Steve Francis, opened a highly profitable male strip club, “Anal Gleen’s.” Peja Stojakovic is their top dancer.

Back in my middle school days, the Scottie Pippen Nike “Air More Uptempos” with the simple but stylish ‘A-I-R’ sprawled along the sides, were the shoes to own. The Grant Hill Filas? Not so much. Many of the NBA’s biggest stars have released classic signature sneakers, starting with the original Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars, but perhaps just as many have failed to knock basketball fans off their feet. While some of these throwbacks and vintage styles might possess a certain charm in their ugliness, here are some of the worst-looking, most uncomfortable, and straight-up comical NBA player-endorsed shoes of all time.

Kobe Bryant, Adidas “Kobe II” — What was Kobe thinking when he saw this design? Is it a ski boot? Barbie and Ken’s dream car? A miniature army tank? A nod to Back to the Future? A cinder block? I can go and on. Luckily, the even more hideous “Kobe III” never saw the light of day when Kobe terminated his contract with Adidas and switched to Nike.

Chris Webber, Dada “C-Dubbz” — Dada? More like nada! Wrap a plastic garbage bag around your old pair of kicks and voila — your very own C-Dubbz. These were also released in quite a few hideous color variations, most notably the blinding chrome version that Webber wore in the 2003 All-Star Game, which were apparently inspired by Paul Wall’s grill.

Karl Malone, LA Gear “The Catapult” — That’s right, LA Gear, the shoes with the flashing red lights rocked by every girl in your kindergarten class. Malone was quickly banned from wearing the shoes during NBA games because they were a distraction to other players, and LA Gear soon filed for bankruptcy. The Catapult line was amazingly reintroduced six years later, with Luke Walton as its spokesman. It’s hard to believe they never caught on with basketball fans.

Latrell Sprewell, Dada “Spree’s Spinnahs” — Rims and sneakers were brought together at last, thanks to Sprewell, the renowned originator the spinning car rims (who knew?). Not only does the shoe look like a Hot Wheels toy car, but it’s poorly manufactured (you might even say, Spree choked on the design), with an awkwardly placed air pump underneath the heel to keep the little plastic rim spinning while you walk.

Michael Jordan, Nike “Jordan 15″ & “23″ — Even the greatest make mistakes. The 15’s are either the most expensive pair of baby booties of all-time or great accessories for your Batsuit. The slightly less hideous 23’s feature a barrage of scribbled lower case “m’s,” and might turn out to be one of those lame 3-D stereograms where an image pops out if you stare hard enough (my bet’s on Vegas casino).

Dikembe Mutombo, Adidas — The Mutumbo signature sneaker featured a shield with crossed spears on the tongue, his jersey number on the side, and African textile patterns on the forefoot, which combined made it look like the perfect getup for Kid ‘N Play’s pajama party. No way anyone would sex Mutombo in those babies. (We also would’ve accepted, “Dikembe should’ve waged his finger at that shoe contract.”)

Patrick Ewing, Ewing Athletics Company Ltd. “The Rogue” — While Ewing scores major points for these timeless Adidas Attitudes, his decision to leave the three stripes to form his own line of footwear and accessories is inexcusable. In addition to the abominable red Rogue I, the Rogue II was released in a questionable purple, black, and gray color combination, begging to be mistaken for the cracked-out cousin on the Air Jordan 8.

Kevin Durant, Nike “KD1″ — Would anyone besides Bobo the Clown or Ronald McDonald buy hot orange shoes with teal shoelaces? If those are supposed to be Thunder colors, then Durant must wake up every day wishing he was still wearing his green and gold Seattle jersey. You’ll soon find find these beauties on our local J.C. Penny discount rack.

Kevin Garnett, Adidas “Garnett III” — For the All-Star edition of Garnett’s signature shoe, Adidas took a page out of KG’s former teammate’s book and opted for a sneaker that can be mistaken for over-sized choo-choo train. They are, however, the perfect shoes for dropping uncontrolled f-bombs and clapping your hands in the opponent’s face.

Quick Misses:

*Tracy McGrady, Adidas “T-Mac III” — Wearing a different color shoe on each foot is something even Kris Kross wouldn’t dare to do in the early ’90’s.

*Dwyane Wade, Converse “Wade 1″ — in case you ever wanted to wear accordions on your feet.

*Tim Hardaway, Nike “Bakin’” — I can’t lie, I owned a pair because they were also endorsed by Mitch Richmond. I can’t believe my parents let me spend $120 on this monstrosity.

*Penny Hardaway, Nike “Air Foamposite One” — these would look nice if you were playing basketball on the moon.

*Derrick Coleman, British Knights — The shoes themselves aren’t even all that bad, but this commercial (unfortunately sans Coleman) is guaranteed to make your day.

In the weeks leading up to the 2009 NBA Draft, Lowposts’ resident Draftologistician will be looking at NBA Drafts of the past and how they got all screwed up..

Today:  The 1993 NBA Draft.. (more…)

Once the offseason begins in a few months, basketball headlines will be dominated by news of NBA players being lured by big money in Europe.  While it still seems unlikely that superstars in their prime such as LeBron James or Kobe Bryant would seriously consider playing overseas, many key players such as Josh Childress, who averaged 10 points and 5 rebounds in 15 games for Olympiacos this season, have jumped over to the Euroleague.  The common perception has been that even unspectacular and over the hill NBA players would dominate the inferior competition.   Part I will take a look at how a few stars, as well as a couple of busts, have fared in Europe after playing in the NBA.  Part II will focus on European players who’ve come over to the US.

Dominique Wilkins: It was all Greek to ‘Nique when he signed with Panathinaikos in 1995 at the age of 35. He was named the Final Four MVP after putting  up 21 points and 7 rebounds per game and leading the team to its first European Championship.  Wilkins returned to the NBA in 1996 and led San Antonio in scoring, though Spurs fans likely appreciate him more for the 20-62 record that allowed them to draft Tim Duncan.  Wilkins played in Italy in 1997, and at 39, finished his career with one non-Highlight season in Orlando.

Magic Johnson: After Magic retired from the Lakers for a second time in 1996, he bought and played for Magic M7, a team from the Swedish town of Borås (high-five!). Two seasons later, the 42-year-old bought a Denmark team, the Great Danes, and always the modest one, once again renamed it after himself. Johnson suited up for two games on the Magic Great Danes, averaging 9 points, 12 rebounds, 13 assists and 9 turnovers.  It doesn’t look like anyone was going for that ball-fake though.

Scottie Pippen: When Pippen failed to land with an NBA team in 2007 after a three-year retirement, he took his game to Finland at the age of 42. He averaged 11 points and 8 rebounds in two games for ToPo, going a Starks-esque two for 16 from behind the arc, and then put up 21 points, 12 rebounds, six assists in his final game for the Sundsvall Dragons. Pippen said his motivation was to “inspire young Scandinavians.”  I’m sure it had nothing to do with trying to avoid bankrupcy.

Bob McAdoo: A three-time scoring champ in his early years, McAdoo averaged less than 12 points per game over his final six injury-plagued NBA seasons. At the age of 35, he signed with Tracer Milan and went on to average over 25 points and 8 rebounds per game, winning two league titles in six seasons.  When he retired in 1992 at the age of 41, McAdoo worked as the basketball technical adviser (whatever that means) for the classic Kevin Bacon movie, “The Air Up There” (seriously).

Trajan Langdon: The most famous Alaskan athlete of all-time (sounds like an oxymoron), Langdon was drafted by the Cavs in 1999 and averaged five points per game on 41% shooting over three seasons . He’s since played in Italy, Turkey, and Russia, where he was named Euroleague Finals MVP in 2008. Langdon was cut by the Clippers in training camp in 2004, which pretty much sums up his chances of making an NBA comeback at the age of 31.

Anthony Parker: Parker was out of the NBA by 2000 after averaging just two points per game in three seasons with the 76ers and Magic. He signed with the Israeli club Maccabi Tel Aviv, where he led the team to numerous titles, including two Euroleague championships,and won two MVPs. He returned to the NBA in 2006 after a six-year absence, and has become one of the league’s best shooters with the Raptors. However, he’ll always have to live with the shame of not being able to beat his little sister in a game of one-on-one.

Bonzi Wells: Wells put up 12 points per game in 10 NBA seasons before signing a $40-thousand contract (you read that correctly) with a team in China. The 32-year-old quickly became a Chinese Basketball Association legend, averaging over 34 points in 14 games. However, ‘Banzai’ became an unfortunate victim of the Chinese Sports Illustrated cover jinx (yes, that’s a real magazine) when he failed to return to the team after the Chinese New Year and lost his roster spot to Tim Pickett.

Dennis Rodman: Where hasn’t the Worm been? And we’re just talking about basketball here. Rodman played three games for the UK Brighton Bears in 2006, one game for Pippen’s Finland team the following year, and two exhibition games in the Philippines in 2006. Not to mention, that since appearing in 12 games with the Mavericks in 2000, he’s had brief stints with three different ABA teams and was negotiating with another club as recently as last season at age 46 (!). In a completely unrelated story, he’s broke.

Quick Hits:

*Roy Tarpley: was twice banned from the NBA for cocaine and alcohol abuse, and put up solid numbers over seven years in Greece and Cyprus. He again filed for reinstatement in 2003, but was denied reentry. In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to list Vin Baker as his sponsor.

*Reggie Theus: spent one year in Italy in between 13 years in the NBA and four with the Deering Tornadoes.

*Kenny Anderson: was released by the Clippers and then the Zalgiris Kaunas (Lithuania) in successive seasons. I’m not sure which is the bigger insult.

*Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf: played in Russia, Italy, and Greece, and is currently in the Saudi Arabian league. Apparently none of those countries’ flags are symbols of oppression and tyranny.

*Eddie Johnson:  led Olympiakos to the Greek Championship in 1994/95, before playing four more years in the NBA and debating a name change, .

*Tom Chambers: played for Maccabi Tel Aviv during the 1995/96 season before returning to the NBA for two more years, and is um, currently planning a comeback at the age of 49.

*Byron Scott:  led Panathinaikos to a Euroleague title and won the Finals MVP award in 1997 after his final season in the NBA with the Lakers.  Then again, just about anything would’ve be better than playing with Kobe Bryant again.

*Darryl Dawkins: Chocolate Thunder barely drizzled in Italy for five years after retiring from the NBA in 1989. He later attempted two unsuccessful comebacks with the Nuggets in 1994 and the Celtics in 1995.

*Rolondo Blackman: won the Italian Champion with Stefanel Milano in 1996 after a short stint in Greece. Contrary to popular belief, he and Renaldo Balkman are two different people.

The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ is an ongoing project, exploring the potential destinations of Lebron James, advertiser of the Lebronsketball (different colors to be released by 2010). All thirty teams (and perhaps some European squads) will be analyzed and awarded an arbitrary percentage on their odds of being Lebronorized. Past teams can be accessed here.

Today: The Sacramento Kings.. (more…)

It’s hard to believe that Kevin McHale lasted 13 seasons as the Minnesota Timberwolves’ Vice President of Basketball Operations.  Often regarded as the NBA’s worst GM this side of Isiah Thomas, he made countless terrible decisions that cost his team dearly (most notably perhaps, the infamous Joe Smith fiasco).  But we here at lowposts.com don’t kick people when they’re down — and after all, he was named the best general manager in all of sports by Forbes last season.  In honor of McHale’s firing — excuse me, “stepping down” — let’s take a look at the worst moves of his era…by other GMs.  Part I will focus on trades, and subsequent parts will explore free agent signings and draft picks.

1. Dallas Mavericks trade the draft rights to Robert “Tractor” Traylor to the Milwaukee Bucks for the rights to Dirk Nowitzki and the rights to Pat Garrity.

Yeah…that sure worked out well for the Bucks. Dirk went on to become a perennial All-Star and the first European MVP award winner, while Traylor would lead the league in Big Macs chomped per minute and tax evasion schemes. It should also be noted that the Mavs immidiately flipped the rights to Garrity — along with Martin Muursepp, Bubba Wells, and a future first round draft pick — to the Suns for Steve Nash. As horrible as that looks on paper, Phoenix made out better than exepected. The Suns selected Shawn Marion with the pick, and later brought a supposedly over-the-hill Nash back to the desert for his two MVP seasons.

2. Toronto Raptors trade Vince Carter to the New Jersey Nets for Eric Williams, Aaron Williams, Alonzo Mourning and two 1st round draft picks.

Since Alonzo “Phantom Raptor” Mourning refused to even make the trip to Canada, Toronto gave away Carter for just about nothing…unless you count Joey Graham, who was selected with one of those acquired draft picks (the other one was traded to New York). Sure, Carter wanted out and made his displeasure very obvious, but couldn’t the Raptors get a little more for a perennial All-Star? Like, I don’t know, some home-cooked food and clean drawers?

3. Chicago Bulls trade Eddy Curry and Antonio Davis to the New York Knicks for Tim Thomas, Michael Sweetney, Jermaine Jackson, and two future first round picks.

Let’s see — one the one hand, we have a one-dimensional, overpriced, overweight player who can’t grab a rebound and has a career-threatening heart condition. One the other, we have Tim Thomas, who played three games for the Bulls, and Jermaine Jackson who was cut. At least those draft picks didn’t amount to anything worthwhile — just LaMarcus Aldridge(#2 in 2006) and Joakim Noah (#9 in 2007). Impressive fleece job by Zeke, no?

4. Washington Wizards trade Kwame Brown and Laron Profit to the Los Angeles Lakers for Caron Butler and Chucky Atkins.

Remember that this trade comes on the heels of the widely-criticized Shaquille O’Neal trade, in which the Lakers acquired Butler, Lamar Odom, Brian Grant, and a first round pick for the big man.  Yet, while Shaq led Miami to a title in his second season, his skills sharply declined and he would be later moved for Shawn Marion; plus, that draft pick was used on the promising Jordan Farmar.  But Kwame for Caron Butler? The Lakers really wish they could have a mulligan on that one, since “Birthday Cake” Brown would shockingly fail to impress Phil Jackson with his toughness, while Butler blossomed into one of the top forwards in the league with the Wiz.

5.  Charlotte Hornets trade the draft rights to Kobe Bryant to the Los Angeles Lakers for Vlade Divac.

At the end of the day, it’s a bad trade when you consider that Kobe would become one of the best players in the world and team up with Shaq to win three championships in Los Angeles. But if you’re wondering why this deal isn’t ranked higher, let’s remember a few key components. Kobe was expected to be a top-five pick, until he refused to workout for any teams except the Knicks and Lakers.  He even insisted that he’d play in Europe if another team were to take him — he’s grown so much since those days.   The Hornets selected him at number 13 overall, and ended up with an All-Star caliber center in Divac, who helped Charlotte reach the postseason in both of his seasons on the team.   Oh, and isn’t it fun to watch Kobe squirm uncomfortably in his Hornets cap on draft night?

6.  New Orleans Hornets send Baron Davis to the Golden State Warriors for Speedy Claxton and Dale Davis.

Read those names again, and please tell me what the Hornets were thinking here.  It’s not like Davis was an All-Star and All-NBA team member or anything (what, you mean, he was???).  Okay, so he missed a few games games and didn’t get along with Byron Scott, but that’s the best they could do?  Not-so-speedy Claxton would play 87 games over two seasons, and 35-year-old Dale Davis contributed a whopping 3.1 points in just 35 appearances.  Baron Davis, meanwhile, helped revitalize a struggling Warriors franchise, shattered Andrei Kirilenko’s confidence, and brought more of the beautiful Ms. Alba into our lives.

7.  Houston Rockets trade Richard Jefferson, Jason Collins, and Brandon Armstrong to the New Jersey Nets for Eddie Griffin.

A lot of critics felt the Nets were making a huge mistake by trading Griffin, who appeared to have an unprecedented skillset.  And yet, Jefferson and Collins were starters on back-to-back Nets Finals teams, while Griffin (RIP) never came close to realizing his full potential…well, except for that time in his SUV.

8. Washington Wizards trade Chris Webber to the Sacramento Kings for Mitch Richmond and Otis Thorpe.

The Wizards took a huge step backwards by dealing Webber in his prime for Richmond, who was entering the downside for his career.  Although Webber missed a lot of games with a dislocated shoulder, and had off the court troubles with the law in DC, he would transform the laughing stock Kings into an instant title contender.  The Wizards, captained by Richmond, Rod Strickland, and Juwan Howard, would fail to win more than 29 games in three seasons, before Michael Jordan mercifully relinquished his title of Director of Basketball Operations and destroyed his knees on the court.

9. Memphis Grizzlies trade Pau Gasol to the Los Angeles Lakers for Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittendon, Marc Gasol, Aaron McKie’s corpse, and two future 1st round draft picks (2008 and 2010).

Call me crazy, but I don’t think this trade is as bad as everyone has made it out to be.  Yes, the Grizz could’ve gotten more, and Pau channeled his inner Vince Carter and started trying again in Los Angeles.  But the Grizzlies didn’t win a single playoff game during the Gasol era, and decided to rebuild: Brown’s expiring contract came off the books, Marc Gasol has played very well in his first season, and the 2008 pick turned out to be Donte Greene, who was shipped to the Rockets for Darrell Arthur and a 2009 second-rounder.  Plus, they have another 1st rounder next season.  Wait, did I just compliment Chris Wallace??

10. Minnesota Timberwolves trade Sam Cassell and a future first round draft pick for Marko Jaric

I know, I said no McHale trades, but come on! He made this deal right after the Wolves finally broke through and reached the Western Conference Finals, and then signed Jaric to a cap-killing five-year, $37 million extension. Plus, he refused to feed Latrell Sprewell’s family!

Dishonorable Mention:

*Detroit Pistons trade Grant Hill to the Orlando Magic for Ben Wallace and Chucky Atkins.

*Atlanta Hawks trade Rasheed Wallace to the Detroit Pistons for Bob Sura, Zeljko Rebraca, and a lottery-protected first round pick (Mil).

*Boston Celtics trade Joe Johnson, Randy Brown, Milt Palacio and a first round pick to the Phoenix Suns for Rodney Rodgers and Tony Delk.

This is Part 1 of Act Like You Know .  Part 2 can be found here.

I watched Love And Basketball for the fourth time the other day, and one thing continues to bother me — the casting of Omar Epps in the lead role.  I have nothing against Epps as an actor, but I don’t buy him as a professional basketball player.  There’s just something off about him every time he steps out on the court, especially with the Lakers.  It’s even worse now that I associate him with Dr. Foreman on House.  So, I started thinking — would the movie be any better if the part of Quincy McCall went to say, Will Smith…or how about Ray Allen?  Actually, can any NBA players be good (or even passable) as movie actors?  We know that Paul Pierce, for one,  deserves an Oscar for his stunning performance in Game 1 of the NBA Finals.

Now, of course, it’s not a big stretch for a basketball player to play himself or another athlete in a movie…or so we’d hope.  Part I of this two-part set will focus on movies that feature NBA players “acting” as basketball players, while Part II will look at those who’ve branched out into bigger roles, including Allen in He Got Game.

1. Eddie (1996): John Salley, Rick Fox, Malik Sealy (RIP), Mark Jackson, Dwayne Schintzius, Greg Ostertag, Gary Payton, plus assorted NBA players (49 total) as themselves.

I’m sure every NBA fan has seen this one — Whoopi Goldberg goes from an obnoxious Knicks fan to the team’s coach, and puts the Isiah Thomas era to shame in the process. The best of the NBA players are Ostertag, who plays a dimwitted yokel of a player (yeah, this was a big reach for him); Sealy, who channels his inner Rickey Henderson and refers to himself in the third person; and Schintzius, who plays (?) a moron that speaks only three words of English. The rest of the bunch do just fine in minor roles — Olden Polynice, for instance, shows off his scientific knowledge of a black hole…nah, too easy.

2. Space Jam (1996): Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, Shawn Bradley, Larry Bird, Vlade Divac, Cedric Ceballos, A.C. Green, Derek Harper, Alonzo Mourning, Charles Oakley — all as themselves.

If you’re like me and saw this movie when you were younger, you probably liked it enough to not question the acting abilities of the stars.  Jordan isn’t really asked to do anything out of the ordinary here — he plays basketball and exhibits good sportsmanship, even if he’s sometimes as stiff as the hardwood. After aliens take away the NBA players’ skills, we get to see them do their best Brian Scalabrene impressions. Of course, the cheap laughs again come at the expense of the tall white guy: Shawn Bradley becomes awkward and uncoordinated on the court…in other words, the directors just told him to act natural.

3. Blue Chips (1994): Shaquille O’Neal, Anfernee Hardaway, Larry Bird, Bob Cousy, and several players as themselves, including Allan Houston, Rodney Rogers, Calbert Cheaney, Bobby Hurley, Marques Johnson, Rick Fox, George Lynch, and Chris Mills.

The movie gives a realistic (but fictional) account of behind-the-scenes cheating and corruption in college athletics.  Aside from dunking in the basketball scenes, Shaq gives his usual cringe-worthy performance (much more on this in Part II) in his acting debut.  Penny is surprisingly likable in his recruitment scenes with Nick Nolte; more impressively, he didn’t even injure himself on the set. Fortunately for us, the other players (notably Hurley and Cheaney) are not asked to do much off the court and safely fade into the background.  Cousy and Bird are, well, there.

4. Forget Paris (1995): Charles Barkley, David Robinson, Dan Majerle, Kevin Johnson, Sean Elliott, Patrick Ewing, Tim Hardaway, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bill Laimbeer, Reggie Miller, Chris Mullin, Charles Oakley, Kurt Rambis, John Starks, Isiah Thomas, Spud Webb, Marques Johnson, Reggie Theus — all as themselves.

I’m almost ashamed to admit that I sort of like this movie, even though it’s a romantic comedy.  Billy Crystal plays an NBA referee, and all of the player cameos take place on the court.  As expected, these are mostly in-game action sequences, and require the players to argue with the refs (once again, this hopefully shouldn’t be too hard).  Kareem, Barkley, and Spud Webb, in particular, are very believable in their brief interactions with Crystal, while most of the other players don’t have noteworthy speaking parts.

5. The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh (1979): Julius “Dr. J” Erving, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Meadowlark Lemon (Harlem Globetrotter), and several NBA/ABA players, including Connie Hawkins, Spencer Haywood, Bob Lanier, Cedric Maxwell, and Norm Nixon.

I’m willing to best that most people under 30 aren’t familiar with this one.  Dr. J plays the superstar on a terrible basketball team.  After most of the players quit, in comes an absolutely ridiculous premise; let’s just say it has to do with astrology.  The acting is minimal and beyond wooden (not just the players, either), while attempts at humor predictably fall short.  Even still, I’d recommend watching it, if only for the unintentionally hilarious disco soundtrack.

Honorable Mention:

*Heaven Is A Playground (1991):  Bo Kimble, Hakeem Olajuwon, Kendall Gill

A coach tries to keep his urban high school basketball team out of trouble — as expected, it’s to no avail. Former Clipper Bo Kimble plays a good player who later becomes a bitter loner after a serious knee injury, while Olajuwon and Gill have minor roles as his teammates. Apparently, Michael Jordan was originally supposed to be cast in the movie instead of Kimble, and was sued for by the filmmakers for breach-of-contract.

*Like Mike (2002): Michael Finley, Steve Francis, Allen Iverson, Jason Kidd, Tracy McGrady, Alonzo Mourning, Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, Gary Payton, Jason Richardson, David Robinson, Rasheed Wallace, Gerald Wallace, Chris Webber — all as themselves.

I’m not gonna lie to you — I never saw this movie, but I remember watching an ‘extended preview’ in the theater, which basically showed the whole movie in five minutes. Looking at the stills (Robinson, Kidd) is making me a little nauseous, so let’s move on.  Oh, and FYI, “Like Mike 2” (I had no idea either) doesn’t have any player appearances, unless you count Mark Cuban.

*White Men Can’t Jump (1992):  You may have noticed that Marques Johnson — who had a very solid NBA career during the ’80’s — appeared in two other movies on the list.  As the only professional player in this one, he doesn’t play a big enough role to make the cut.  Side note: I watched this movie when I was 12 or 13 years old, and I remember my dad walking in during one of the sex scenes….um, very bad times.

It’s easy to understand why athletes choose to date famous celebrities.  The simple answer is because, well, they can.  These women understand their lifestyle, aren’t after money, and of course, are very attractive.  But does it ever work out well for both sides, with difficult travel schedules and no shortage of groupies on the road?  Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe divorced within a year due to the singer’s promiscuous ways; Mike Tyson made Robin Givens’ life a “living hell;” and Andre Rison would still have a house if he never met Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez.  Let’s see how NBA stars have fared over the years.  Without further adieu, here are the top 10 player-celebrity relationships, plus a few bonus extras to ponder.

1. Dennis Rodman & Carmen Electra/Madonna:  Rodman dated the equally freaky Madonna in the early ’90’s, and supposedly ended that relationship because he didn’t want to be known as her “boy toy.”  In 1998, “The Worm” married Electra, the former Playboy model and Baywatch star, after dating her for six months. Nine days after the wedding, Rodman filed for an annulment, claiming that he was tricked into marriage, and had been of an “unsound mind” at the time. Somehow, this didn’t carry much weight coming from a man who dyed his hair every color of the rainbow, tattooed and pierced his entire body, and of course, married himself in full makeup and a wedding dress. While Rodman later rescinded the request, Electra then filed for divorce. The two were arrested on domestic violence charges the following year.

2. Chris Webber & Tyra Banks: The enigmatic Kings forward dated the supermodel/actress/talk show host for three years in the early 2000’s.  Both parties denied they were ever engaged, and Banks later admitted their respective careers kept them apart. An irate, shirtless Webber unleashed a classic, expletive-filled rant in the Kings locker room, after being repeatedly asked about the relationship by the Sacramento media (a short sample can be found at the 2:30 mark here).

3. Quentin Richardson/Kobe Bryant & Brandy: Does this make Brandy the Alyssa Milano of the NBA? Kobe briefly dated the Moesha star in 1998, and famously took her to his high school prom. Richardson and Brandy were engaged in July 2004, but split up in October of the following year, allegedly due to Q-Rich’s infidelity. The singer ended up transforming her back tattoo of Richardson’s face into a cat. So, yes, Knicks fans, Brandy literally turned Q-Rich into a pussy.

4. Steve Nash and Geri Halliwell/Elizabeth Hurley: Nash was reportedly dating Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell in 2000, though he insisted she was just a friend. He later upgraded to Elizabeth Hurley, and while Nash would once again decline to comment, his agent confirmed the relationship (seriously). He’s now married with twins, but (false?) rumors of an affair with Nelly Furtado flared up when the singer name-dropped him on her hit song, “Promiscuous:” Is that the truth or are you talkin’ trash? / Is your game MVP like Steve Nash?

5. Rick Fox & Vanessa Williams: The former Laker married “Miss America” in 1999…and then blew it. In 2004, The National Enquirer published photos of Fox kissing another woman at a bar, and Williams ended up filing for divorce later that year. No truth to the rumor that he pleaded, “I’m bad, but not as bad as Eric Benet!” Oh, and Doug Christie, of all people, beat him down in 2002…yes, I had to throw that in there.

6. A.C. Green & Jenna Jameson: In the spring of 1997, the NBA ironman and long-time opponent of premarital sex, met porn queen Jenna Jameson at a downtown Los Angeles nightclub and secretly broke his vow of abstinence.  Green paid the media thousands of dollars to keep the forbidden romance under wraps.  Okay, okay…so this never happened. But admit it, I had you going there.  We won’t count this one.

6.  Jason Kidd/Jim Jackson & Toni Braxton: Ranked lower only because Braxton won’t “kiss and tell,” and Kidd and Jackson deny there was ever a love triangle.  The “Three J’s” of mid-90’s Dallas Mavericks didn’t last three years, apparently because Kidd felt Jackson was a selfish player.  But the juicier story is that the R&B singer was dating Kidd, and came to the Mavs’ hotel to pick him up one evening…but ended up leaving with Jackson instead.  When Braxton didn’t unbreak his heart, Kidd demanded a trade, and was soon shipped to the Phoenix Suns.

7. Tony Parker & Eva Longoria: The San Antonio Spurs guard left his longtime girlfriend for the stunning “Desperate Housewife” in 2005.  The pair wed two years later, in spite of numerous breakup rumors, as well as a model’s false claims that Parker was cheating.  According to Longoria, “when the lights are out, he’s the teacher and I’m the student,” making Tony the envy of men everywhere…well, if only he weren’t French.

8. Carmelo Anthony and LaLa Vasquez Melo proposed to the MTV VJ on Christmas 2004, and it’s good to see that engagement and a child have turned him into a better man. Since that time, he’s been cited for marijuana possession, suspended for fighting during the Knicks-Nuggets brawl in 2006, and most recently arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence and suspended for two games by the team. But LaLa will straighten him out yet…you just wait.

9. Grant Hill & Tamia: A token “nice guy,” Hill married Tamia in 1999, and their relationship has been predictably stable and scandal-free. In fact, the pair was recently featured on Oprah’s “greatest love stories” episode after supporting each other’s careers and dealing with personal issues for almost a decade….not that I watched it or anything. Useless fact: they were introduced by R&B singer Anita Baker.

10. Kenyon Martin & Trina: Let’s see if we can get all of these facts straight.  Kenyon Martin is married, but his wife supposedly gave him a cellphone just for his groupies. In the meantime, rapper Trina has introduced Martin as her boyfriend at parties, and helped plan his 30th birthday party. Just a few months ago, Martin and Trina were involved in a minor traffic accident in Belize, when they were on their way to a “peace rally.” Yep…there’s no way this can end badly.

Honorable Mention:

*Karrine “Superhead” Steffans & the entire NBA…and NFL, MLB, NFL, Nascar circuit, Screen Actors Guild, music industry, your local Pep Boys, and so on.

*Dwyane Wade & Star Jones/Gabrielle Union:  Wade has sworn the Star Jones stuff isn’t true and he’s insists they’re only friends (let’s hope).   Rumor has it, he filed for divorce from his wife of five years, and has recently been spotted with actress Gabrielle Union (who may have also dated Jason Kidd).

*Baron Davis & Lauren London:  Another case of unconfirmed rumors…in addition to Davis, the actress/video vixen has been linked to rappers Lil’ Wayne and T.I., as well as R&B singer Cassie (!).

*Marko Jaric & Adriana Lima: Yes, she’s famous and beautiful, but which NBA player hasn’t slept with a supermodel? Isn’t that a contractual provision of some sort?

I wish I knew why NBA players continue to put out rap albums.  Over the last 15 years, we’ve heard over a dozen prominent athletes disgrace themselves on the microphone for our enjoyment. To be fair, not all of them are terrible…and hell, I’d take any of these guys over Lil’ Wayne. Let’s take a look back at the worst of the worst, starting with the man who started it all…Shaq-Fu.

1992: Shaquille O’Neal — For the life of me, I’ll never understand how Shaq’s first album went platinum and his second went gold. Sure, he’s one of the most recognizable athletes in the world, but he’s embarrassingly bad on mic. I’m not even going to say his lyrics are as bad as his foul shooting – that’s being too kind. Don’t let the infamous freestyle Kobe diss fool you; look no further than his debut, Shaq Diesel to get, um, a taste.

I had a hard time picking out my favorite rhymes, but here are a few gems:

“I can flow like pee, coming out yo’ know what / Or some ookey diarrhea coming out yo’ butt”
“Watch out the funky hooper / I uh er-huh er-huh, sorry, I made a pooper.” (I Hate to Brag)
“I leave a bad taste in your mouth, like boogers in coffee” (Shoot Pass Slam)
“Treat you like Spielberg / You get Jur-ASS-kicked in the park” (I Know I Got Skillz)

Oh, and whatever you do, don’t click here…you won’t feel good about yourself, trust me.

1994: Immortal Records released an amazing hip-hop album called Basketball’s Best-Kept Secret, which features songs from several recognizable ‘90’s ballers. A few of these joints aren’t even half-bad: Dana Barros informs us that he “slams like Onyx, puffing on the chronic,” Brian Shaw slow-flows through a somber track about his family’s struggles, and even Gary Payton sounds decent over a funky West Coast beat. But the two absolute worst on the record are Jason Kidd, whose uses the same monotone flow from his interviews on “What the Kidd Didd;” and Cedric Ceballos, who even graced us with a fantastic music video for his corny (Warren G-produced!?) track, “Flow On.”

Typing out lyrics doesn’t even do these songs justice, but here goes:

Ceballos: “You start to Wonder, I know yo’ name is Stevie / Don’t think about it fool, cuz you know you can’t see me”
“Tickity tock, don’t stop, yeah the clock is still tickin’ / Ya booty chicken rhymes, mine are finger lickin’”

Kidd: “At St. Joe’s, the hos treated me different / But I was good on the dribble like an infant”

1999: Chris Webber — I remember spotting C-Webb’s first single, “Gangsta Gangsta (How U Do It),” at my local Sam Goody some years back. What do you do when your favorite basketball player releases a horrible rap album? You pretend it never existed. Unfortunately, Webber couldn’t let that happen – he also shot not one, but two clichéd videos.  “Gangsta” features Kurupt and Redman, though shockingly, Juwan Howard and Jalen Rose are nowhere to be found. Oh, and he rhymes “fetish for lettuce” with “Jerome Bettis.”  Ugh.

Bonus unreleased C-Webb video: “Too Much Drama”

2000: Kobe Bryant –- Allen “Jewelz” Iverson also released a few tracks during the same year, though his album was famously disallowed by Commissioner Stern for its violent and homophobic lyrics. Either way, we can give AI a pass here, since his flow doesn’t sound that forced on “40 Bars.” Kobe, however, gets no such pass. Bryant was set to release his debut album, Visions, until that project was understandably scrapped. He did, however, cut a few tracks with Fiddy and Beanie Sigel (seriously) and made a cameo on Brian McKnight’s “Hold Me (Remix)” in 1997.

Below is a live performance of his first single, “K.O.B.E.” — with a guest verse from Tyra Banks!

And here’s my personal favorite, “Thug Poet,” featuring 50 Cent and Broady Boy (courtesy of XXLMag.com).  He can’t be serious, right?

Timeless lyrics from Black Mamba:

“Kick in the do’ wavin’ the flow flow / All you heard was stop, can’t take the hits - can’t take the hits - no more” (Thug Poet)

“If you hear me say murder, that means I’m a Thug Poet / If I say my mind kills, that means I’m a Thug Poet / If I say that I’m a glock, that means that I’m a Thug Poet,”

“But I refuse to weep / Yet when I sleep, I feel tears trickling down my cheek” (Hold Me)

2006: Ron Artest & 2008: Troy Hudson – I’m gonna group these two together, since they suffer from the same problem: lack of interest. Absolutely no one cared when their respective albums were released, as Ron-Ron sold a meager 343 copies in his first week, and T-Hud managed to one-up him by selling 78 of his own. Both sound equally awkward and off beat at times, though they’re nowhere near as bad as some their predecessors…so I guess that’s progress. Their anemic sales are punishment enough, and I wouldn’t have gone any further…had I not come across this amazing video for T-Hud’s “Tru Luv” (featuring Ray J). I’m not gonna lie to you, the song is actually kinda hot — aside from Hudson’s simplistic rapping — but I’m not saying anything further. Just watch and enjoy.

Dishonorable mention – Tony Parker. This song sounds horrendous to me, but since I don’t know French, I won’t judge…for now.