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Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
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When Kenner, the maker of some fantastic Starting Lineups, lost its contract with the NBA in 1998, I stopped collecting sports figures entirely.  Sure, Mattel and later McFarlane released their own lines of “more realistic” products, but none of them could hold a candle to the 6″ SLUs that looked nothing like the players and had some questionable basketball poses (case in point: Jason Kidd).  But while searching the internet for gift ideas the other week, I came across some rather interesting players chosen by McFarlane for their very own action figures.  Let’s take a look at some of their worst moves.

Kwame Brown, Wizards (2002):  Okay, so maybe no one could’ve foreseen that the player who Michael Jordan drafted first overall in 2001 (and soon thereafter called a “flaming f****t”) would become a mediocre journeyman best known for somehow getting dealt for Caron Butler in one of the most lop-sided trades of the decade. Wait, you mean everyone did?  Either way, McFarlane really dropped the ball by not releasing a cake-throwing collectors’ edition five years later.

DaJuan Wagner, Cavaliers (2003): It’s not that Wagner had a horrible rookie season (13.4 points) or never showcased any future potential before having his career deranged by a colon.  It’s that Yao Ming, Amare (I refuse to put the apostrophe) Stoudemire, and Caron Butler, to name a few, were all chosen in the same draft and didn’t get their figures released as quickly.  And hell, even the great Skita Tskitishvili played more games in the NBA.

J.R, Smith, Hornets / Sabastian Telfair, Trail Blazers (2006) -  Figures of Smith and Telfair were released under an exclusive McFarlane series called “Young Guns.”  No really, they were.  I have absolutely absolutely nothing to add to this.

Michael Finley, Spurs (2006) - I’m sure there was a long line outside of every sports memorabilia shop to pick up a figure of the 33-year-old Michael Finley, years removed from his All-Star days in Dallas and barely putting up double-digit points as a reserve with the Spurs.  Rumor has it, McFarlane’s was furiously working on a Kevin Willis figure when he un-retired at age 44 during the same year.

Steve Francis, Knicks (2006) - Apparently someone at McFarlane felt that Francis’ New York tenure, a disaster in every which way imaginable that essentially led to the end of his pro career and forever tarnished Larry Brown’s reputation, needed to be commemorated with a highly coveted “Chase” piece (or rather, a repaint of his 2002 Rockets release).  A Grizzlies figure can’t be far behind.

Adam Morrison (2008) - It would be one thing if this figure come out in 2006, after Morrison finished a stellar collegiate career and was expected to emerge into a NBA star, or even in 2007, following his somewhat decent rookie campaign (11.8 PPG).  But no, it came out a full year later, while Morrison sat out the season with a knee injury, only to return to post 4.0 PPG in 2008/2009 with the Bobcats and Lakers. I can’t wait to see how McFarlane commemorates Morrison for winning a championship.

Desmond Mason (2008, 2009):  Mason does hold a 12.2 points per game career scoring average and has won a couple of Slam Dunk Contests, so one figure is perhaps excusable.  But someone at McFarlane must have a crush on Mr. Mason, since the same piece was repainted and re-released in 2009 after he was traded to the Thunder.  McFarlane called it a “Surprise” release — as in, “Surprise!  A guy who averaged less than eight points in 39 games has his own figure.”

Zach Randolph (2009) - I don’t even know what to say anymore.  An Eddy Curry figure in 2010?  Count on it.

There wasn’t supposed to be a fourth part in this series, but Kevin McHale wasn’t supposed to become one of the league’s best coaches.  Sure, he had a successful stint at the end of the 2004/05 season (19-12), but that team was a year removed from a conference finals appearance.  The 2008/09 Timberwolves were 4-15 before McHale took over, and have gone 13-19 ever since.  Remarkably, at one point in January, Minnesota was one of the hottest teams in the league, winning 10 out of 12 games. Maybe the Knicks should’ve just let Isiah coach — oh, right. While it’s too soon to tell if McHale’s poor performance as a GM was at least partly due to the team’s coaches (I wonder who’s in charge of hiring those guys?), he won’t find himself on this list anytime soon. Here are the worst coaches of the McHale era (1995-2008), ranked based on record, decision-making, and expectations.

1. Tim Floyd (93-231, .287): Perhaps not even Phil Jackson could muster more than 13 wins out of the 1998/99 Bulls featuring the likes of Rusty LaRue, Kornell David, and Dickey Simpkins (Basketball Reference insists these are real NBA players). But the Elton Brand and Ron Artest-led team went 17-65 the following season, and then regressed to only 15 wins the year after. Floyd mercifully resigned after a 4-21 start in 2001/02; he was subsequently fired after a 41-41 campaign with the 2003/04 Hornets. Fun facts: he was playfully known as “Pink” Floyd by the Chicago media, and once lashed out at being called “Jerry [Krause]’s boy.”

2.  Rick Pitino (102-146, .411) Pitino was the Celtics’ anointed savior after signing a 10-year, $50 million contract to be the GM and head coach. He vowed that he’d lead the Celtics back to the playoffs within 3 years…but hit a snag when Larry Bird, Kevin McHale (isn’t it ironic?), and Robert Parish didn’t walk through that door. In classy move in 1999, Pitino admitted that he would’ve never taken the job if he knew he wouldn’t draft Tim Duncan. He threatened to quit at the end of that season, as well as the next one, before resigning in January of 2001. The C’s never won more than 36 games in his 3+ seasons, and he further alienated players through his incompetency as a GM (see Travis Knight signing, trading rookie Chauncey Billups for Kenny Anderson’s mega contract, etc.).

3. Mike Woodson (137-243, .361): Woodson’s Hawks went 13-69 in 2004/05, but yet he stuck around through three more losing seasons. Atlanta reached the playoffs in 2007/08 with just 37 victories — and a roster stacked with lottery picks, mind you — which saved Woodson from getting the axe. The local writers called him the the worst coach in Atlanta sports history, and he’s admitted to having a tough time managing this starters’ minutes (that might be important for a head coach). The Hawks are 31-21 at the All-Star break, but I can’t help but wonder if Atlanta would be among the NBA’s elite if they had a halfway decent coach.

4. P.J. Carlesimo (204-296, .408): Take away his three seasons with the Blazers, and Carlesimo’s winning percentage drops to a Floyd-esque .263.  Carlesimo bombed in Golden State, where he ran into conflicts with management and wasn’t respected by the players. You might be even say, he choked under the pressure (sorry, I couldn’t resist). He won 19 games in his first year, 2 in his second, and was fired after a 6-21 start in 1999/00. He resurfaced with Seattle a staggering eight years later, and guided the team to the worst record in franchise history (20-62). The Thunder were off to a league-worst 1-12 record when he was fired in November, and have gone 12-28 under interim-coach Scott Brooks.

5. Sam Mitchell (156-189, .452): Once voted the worst coach in the league in a poll of 248 NBA players, Mitchell became notorious for his head-scratching lineups, questionable substitution patterns, and inability to call timeouts in key situations. But I’ll give credit where it’s due — the man sure knew how to rock a designer suit. Interestingly enough, he was named Coach of the Year in 2007 while the Toronto fans were calling for his head, and he was dismissed a little over a year later. That day was declared a Canadian national holiday.

6. Brian Hill (248-283, .467): Yes, Hill is a three-time 50-game winner in Orlando, where he stood back and watched Shaq and Penny lead the Magic to NBA Finals in 1995. But he was also a terrible decision maker on the sidelines and botched many games for a supremely talented team. And of couse, he was notoriously disliked by his players, to the point where Penny and company demanded that that he be fired after a players’ only meeting. He then compiled an uninspiring 31-123 record in two+ years with the Grizzlies, before coming back to Orlando in 2005. The Magic went 40-42 games in his final season, and then improved by 12 games under Stan Van Gundy.

7. Bill Hanzlik (11-71, .134): Hanzlik’s first and only head coaching season came with 1997/98 Denver Nuggets, who came within two games of tying the 1972/1973 Philadelphia 76ers for the worst record in NBA history. Don’t get me wrong, 11 wins is horrific no matter how you cut it, but I mean, would you be able to pick five of these players out of a lineup? From the useless stat department: Handzlik holds the NBA record for fewest wins in full season by a rookie coach.  I’m sure he pops the champagne whenever a new coach wins his 12th game.

8. Lon Kruger (69 -122, .361): Kruger is another example a good collegiate coach who wasn’t cut out for the NBA (damn the Hawks for playing on Philips Drive, so I can’t make a Nightmare of Elm Street reference!). He was over-matched on the sidelines, and faced disconnect and a lack of respect from his players. After the Hawks won 33 games in his second season, Kruger guaranteed season-ticket holders a $125 refund if the Atlanta wouldn’t make the playoffs next year. Kruger was fired after an 11-16 start…but at least some people got paid.

9. John Lucas (79-209, .274): Lucas was coming off 55-win season with the Spurs in 1993/94, where his successor, Bob Hill won 62 games the following season. Hired as the coach and GM of the 76ers (this never fails), Lucas won 24 and 18 games, respectively, in his two seasons in Philly. He won 29 games with Cleveland in 2001, but was fired after failing to show progress with a young team in the midst of a disastrous 8-34 start in 2002/03. Then again, his efforts translated into a league-worst 17-65 record, which landed the Cavs LeBron James. So, there’s that.

10. Eric Musselman (108-138 , .439):  While he led the Warriors to their most successful two-year stint in 12 years, “Mussel-head” — Erick Dampier’s affectionate nickname — didn’t impress players with his gameplan or rotation, and his lone season in Sacramento is enough to put him over the top like Lincoln Hawk. After wooing the Maloofs with a PowerPoint slideshow (hey, I’m good at those, too!), Muss was arrested for a DUI in the preseason and never gained the players’ trust. He’s responsible for the Kings’ downfall after leading Sacramento to its worst season in nine years, and plus he’s somehow dating the lovely Danyelle Sargent — come on!

Dishonorable Mention:

*M.L. Carr (48-116, .293):  C’s tanked to get Duncan
*Randy Wittman (100-207, .326): His GM helped…
*Brian Winters (36-148, .196): coached expansion Vancouver
*Don Chaney (100-166, .376)
*John Calipari (72-112, .391):
*Mike Dunleavy (437-486, .473):  I dont want to step on Bill Simmons territory…

The NBA season is almost halfway over, but it’s never too late to revisit team slogans for 2008/09 (and no, we had no idea they had these either). As you’ll see below, most of them lack originality (shocker!), and go with something bland like, “Watch Us Play,” “On the Ball,” or best of all, “None.”  To help fix this problem, we’ve either added one of our own or a quick thought about the current slogan for each team. If you have any ideas of your own, feel free to add them in the comments.

Atlanta Hawks: Atlanta Hawks Basketball – Now You Know Huh…and all this time I thought I was watching the Falcons.

Boston Celtics: 17 Time World Champions I believe the actual slogan is “17-Time World Fucking Champions!”

Charlotte Bobcats: Play the Right Way That’s what she said!

Chicago Bulls: Love It Live! Where Vinny-ing Happens!

Cleveland Cavaliers: Get Pumped! Because he’s still ours until 2010!

Dallas Mavericks: Rowdy Proud and Loud Shh…just not when the SEC is around…

Denver Nuggets: Can You Feel It?  Feel what exactly? Melo’s bitch slap?

Detroit Pistons: We Work As One You mean the royal ‘we,’ right?”  — Allen Iverson

Golden State Warriors: N/A Moped-al to the Metal!

Houston Rockets: Get Red Whoops, that’s a typo. It should’ve read: “Get Injured.”

Indiana Pacers: Passion. Pride. Pacers. …Punches.

Los Angeles Clippers: Play Loud Home of That “Malcolm in the Middle” Kid (and Billy Crystal, but We’d Rather Not Talk About That)

Los Angels Lakers: None Where Our Ticket Prices Won’t be the Only Things to Rape You!

Memphis Grizzlies: Young & Hungry Commemorating the Bryant Reeves era…

Miami Heat: Something2Prove Why not go all out with “2Legit2Quit?”

Milwaukee Bucks: Ready To Rise Dear Asian population of Milwaukee: Yes, we traded Yi, but we still sorta have a Chinese guy in Joe Alexander! Hey…where are — don’t leave!

Minnesota Timberwolves: See What They Can Do Lose 40 games before the All-Star break?

New Jersey Nets: More Than A Game Jayson Williams’ chauffeur found out the hard way…

New Orleans Hornets: Passion. Purpose. Pride. You know, if they didn’t have a purpose, I’d swear they’re just jacking the Pacers’ slogan…

New York Knicks: None Yep, no arguments here…

Oklahoma City Thunder: N/A Hey, look over there, Seattle! *moving vans drive off*

Orlando Magic: 20 FAN-tastic Seasons Robert Deniro and Wesley Snipes will be on hand for every home game.

Philadelphia 76ers: Run With Us Yeah, we’re not that good, but the Phillies already won you a title, so ease up on the booing, okay?

Phoenix Suns: N/A Where Defense Is Optional Since 2002.

Portland Trail Blazers: Rise With Us Or what? You’ll sue me? Oh…okay then.

Sacramento Kings: None Because You Have Nothing Better To Do in Cow-town..

San Antonio Spurs: Come Together Nothing says our team isn’t old and boring like a song from1969.

Toronto Raptors: My Game Is Raptors Basketball It’s not like the Maple Leafs are any better, eh?

Utah Jazz Life Off. Game On. …but no home games on Sundays.

Washington Wizards: Washington Wizards…Character. Commitment. Connection. What are three words that have never been associated with Andray Blatche?

A logo is supposed to define a team and represent its best qualities.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like most NBA franchises ever received that memo. Why go with any semblance of creativity when you can opt for generic and unoriginal?  The better question might be, why fix it when it ain’t broke? If the throwback fad has taught us anything, it’s that old-school jerseys rocked…but not always.  Here’s a look back at the worst logo decisions in league history.

Detroit Pistons (1996-2001):  For some inexplicable reason, the Pistons ditched the classic blue uniforms and went with a hideous teal color scheme, changing the original logo into what appears to be red basketball giving birth to a flaming horse head. Apparently, it was supposed to represent “horsepower,” to keep with the whole “pistons” car theme. Ugh…a carburetor would’ve been better . Not coincidentally, once the team went back to an “updated” version of the original blue-and-red basketball in 2001, they soon won a title…probably because the players were no longer embarrassed to step out of the locker room.

Washington Wizards (1997-): Okay, so Bullets wasn’t a great name for a team playing in one of the most crime-infested cities in the country…but the Wizards? That’s the best they could do? Nothings screams intimidation like a children’s cartoon character and “I love gooooooold” alternate jerseys.  The other names in the mix were apparently the Dragons, Express, Cauliflower, Stallions, and Sea Dogs — I only made up one of those. By the way, if Washington had chosen ‘Stallions,’ I would’ve been a fan for life, just for the “Rocky” connotations. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, then all terrible logos and team names can change!

Toronto Raptors: Toronto has kept the same logo since entering the NBA in 1995, and it’s a damn shame. I guess the creators were trying to capitalize on the success of “Jurassic Park,” since I can’t think of any other connection between Canada and dinosaurs (well, aside from Oliver Miller). Not to mention, the creepy red raptor is wearing a jersey with a capital ‘R’ on the front, just in case you forget which team you were rooting for, and sneakers that thoughtfully leave enough room for two claws to stick out in the front. In fairness, I always thought this alternate logo was kinda cool, but of course, that hasn’t been around since 1998.

Denver Nuggets (1982-1993): It’s supposed to be the Denver skyline across a colorful pattern, but it looks more like a couple of grazing camels to me. Are those supposed to be Lego bricks? Stacks of Tetris blocks? The makers were either on a crazy acid trip or…no, there’s no other possible explanation.

Atlanta Hawks (1995-): I don’t consider the new “bluer” Hawk to be any different than the old one, and it loses extra points for reminding me of those awful “they turned blue!” Coors commercials. Anyways, the old-school logo is probably the most incredible and absurd logo in all of sports. I didn’t even realize it was a hawk outlined by a red circle until a few years ago. Did the makers realize that it looks like Pac-Man eating a pac-dot, or was that done on purpose? Either way, it’s infinitely more creative that some angry bird clutching a child-drawn basketball in its claws.

Oklahoma City Thunder: If the only other choices for the team name were Marshalls, Energy, Wind, Baron, or Bison, I would’ve just gone with the latter and used a picture of  (the late)? Mr. Dele as the logo…but alas. To make matters worse, the Thunder decided that their logo needs to look like the illegitimate bastard child of the New Jersey Nets and New York Liberty.  What the hell does it have to do with thunder?  Shouldn’t there be a lightning bolt in there somewhere?  Or maybe a Storm, just to stick to Seattle even more?

Golden State Warriors (1997-): The only good thing stemming from the OKC Thunder was supposed to be the demise of the Warriors “Thunder” mascot and logo.  What kind of franchise puts their spandex-covered mascot in the logo anyway?  But instead of going back to the classic city logo from the Run-TMC days, the Warriors have changed just about nothing.  Okay, so they use the alternate logo a little more now…which still has a freaking thunderbolt going through a capital ‘W.’  How does this make sense?

Cleveland Cavaliers (1995-2003): Let your imagination go wild, Cleveland!  I’m pretty sure this logo was created using only Clip Art images and a Microsoft Works textbox.  It’s a basketball going through a net in black box, with a streaking blue line that looks like someone screwed up with a highlighter.  And just in case the capital CAVS font wasn’t awkward enough, the thin black lines going through the center give it that special touch.  Cleveland wore these uniforms until 2003 — think about that for a second.

Milwaukee Bucks: I don’t think Milwaukee has ever gotten it quite right. The original logo looks like a female reindeer dressed in an ugly Christmas sweater, but at least it has that ‘classic’ look. The new logo, which was introduced in 1993, isn’t all bad, except for one thing — those creepy purple eyes!   But of course, Milwaukee couldn’t live without the Christmas theme for long, so they introduced a green and red color scheme in 2006, but thankfully changed the deer’s eye color….just don’t bring back those alternate ‘roadkill‘ jerseys, please.

Sacramento Kings (1986-1994):  I guess it’s supposed to be some kind of badge, or maybe the bottom of a blue basketball with a red crown on top of it.  It’s amazing that the franchise used the exact same horrid logo for almost 25 years, even back when the team was known as the Cincinnati Royals.  Although I still don’t understand where the light-blue jerseys with the player names written underneath the numbers came from, since that was never even one of the team’s primary colors.  Let’s just pray we’ll never see that monstrosity again.

Dishonorable Mention:

*Houston Rockets:  Anything is better than the cartoon spaceman/shark or the bleeding R.

*Miami Heat: Ooh, it’s a burning ball going through a hoop! Um…didn’t the Phoenix Suns kinda have that idea back in the ’60’s?

*This Timberwolves jersey, which thankfully turned out to be some kind of prototype.  The new logo isn’t all that bad, though I still wish they’d go back to the original Wolf from the NBA Jam days.

*Every team that “tweaks” its logo and uniform every few seasons just to sell more merchandise.

Quick, who’s the biggest draft bust in NBA history? LaRue Martin, Chris Washburn, and Dennis Hopson might merit some consideration, but I’m guessing you thought of Sam Bowie. Selected second overall by the Portland Trail Blazers in 1984 — ahead of Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and John Stockton –he had a mediocre and injury-plagued career that serves as a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of drafting for need over potential. While many consider him to be the biggest bust in NBA history, Bowie actually had a serviceable career, especially in his later years with the Nets. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for many of the other players on this list. Here are the biggest draft blunders of the Kevin McHale era.

1. Michael Olowokandi (No. 1 by the Los Angeles Clippers, 1998): Do you think Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis, or Mike Bibby might’ve been the better pick? How about Al Harrington, Jason Williams, or even Nazr Mohammed? You get the point. Olowokandi averaged 8 points and 7 rebounds over his nine-year career, and shot a putrid 43% from the field and under 60% from the foul line. The Clippers traded him to Minnesota after five seasons, and he’d finish his NBA career as a lowly reserve in Boston, playing behind the likes of Brian Scalabrine and Kevinn “Not A Typo” Pinkney. At least those guys picked after him didn’t amount to anything worthwhile.

2. Kwame Brown (No. 1 by the Washington Wizards, 2001): Already a member of the worst trades club, Kwame barely escapes top bust honors. After being selected first overall by then-GM Michael Jordan, Brown had a hard time handling pressure from the media, and especially from Jordan himself. He holds career averages of 7 points and 6 rebounds per game, including one double-figure scoring season in 2003. Although he’s still just 26 years years old, no one is foolish enough to trade Caron Butler or Pau Gasol for him again (okay, who am I kidding — this is still the NBA). Oh, and in addition to the birthday cake incident I mentioned before, Kwame once skipped a playoff practice because his tummy hurt — only to be spotted at a local Chinese restaurant the same night.

3.  Darko Milicic (No 2. by the Detroit Pistons, 2003):  As much as he wants to deny it, Joe Dumars regrets this pick every day.  Sure, the Pistons won a title that season, but would they have been worse off with Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, David West, or Zarko Cabarkapa coming off the bench?  Darko appeared in just 96 games with the Pistons, averaging less than 2 points and barely a rebound, before being traded to Orlando for a mid-range first round pick.  It’s only a matter of time before Hamed Haddadi becomes his, um, daddy in Memphis. Shouldn’t he at least be dating a hot European model or something?

4. Nikoloz Tskitishvili (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 2002): This pick actually makes the Milicic selection look even worse, since it’s hard to imagine a GM gambling on a European big man after watching Tskitishvili. Taken ahead of Amare Stoudemire, Caron Butler, and Carlos Boozer, he played only four seasons in the NBA, averaging less than 3 points and 2 rebounds per game. But at least it’s fun to say Skita, Skita, Skita! No, wait, that’s not that fun either…never mind.  DaJuan Wagner (No. 6 by the Cleveland Cavaliers) also deserves to be mentioned here, but at least he had a decent rookie season (13 ppg)…and um, he no longer has a colon.

5. Rafael Araujo (No. 8 by the Toronto Raptors, 2004): Saying the Raptors blew this pick is an understatement. Here are just a few players taken after “Hoffa:” Andre Iguodala, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, Andris Biedrins, Kevin Martin, Beno Udrih, and Anderson Varejao. I love how his Wikipedia entry says that he “left the NBA” to play in Russia. Right…he left the NBA of his own volition; it had nothing to do with the 2.8 points and 2.8 rebounds he averaged over three seasons.  Araujo attended Minnesota’s training camp this summer, but couldn’t beat out Jason Collins or Calvin Booth for a roster spot on one of the worst teams in the league.

6.  Rodney White (No. 9 by the Detroit Pistons, 2001): Take a look at the 2001 NBA Draft, and scan the players taken after White. I’ll give you a minute. Let’s see, there’s Joe Johnson, Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Troy Murphy, Samuel Dalembert, Kedrick Brown…okay, maybe not Kedrick.  White played one season with the Pistons, before being traded to the Nuggets for Menk Bateer, Don Reid and a future first round pick. Yep, I think that just about says it all. He’s been out of the league since 2005, finishing his 218-game career with career averages of 7 points and 2 rebounds.

7. Jonathan Bender (No. 5 by the Toronto Raptors [traded to Indiana Pacers], 1999): Bender gets a slight pass here because it’s hard to be mad at the guy now. After retiring at the age of 25 due to a debilitating knee condition, he established the Jonathan Bender Foundation, a nonprofit initiative that builds and restores homes in poor New Orleans neighborhoods and offers free classes and basketball clinics.  Nonetheless, Bender averaged just 6 points and 2 rebounds over his nondescript career, appearing in 31 games over his final three seasons.  He was selected ahead of Shawn Marion, Corey Maggette, Wally Szcerbiak, Andre Miller, and Richard Hamilton, and even the man he was traded for, Antonio Davis, somehow became an All-Star.

8. Ed O’Bannon, Nets (No. 9 by the New Jersey Nets, 1995): Ed lasted only two seasons in the NBA after a spectacular career at UCLA, averaging a quiet 5 points for the Nets and Mavericks.  His only saving grace is that, aside from Michael Finley, only a few prominent players were selected after him (Kurt Thomas, Corliss Williamson, Brent Barry).  Oh, and he’s now a car salesman in Nevada — and proud of it!.  I also could’ve gone with Shawn Respert (No. 8 by the Milwaukee Bucks) in this spot, but he later revealed that he battled — and courageously beat — cancer during his disappointing four-year pro career.

9. Marcus Fizer (No. 4 by the Chicago Bulls, 2000):  Let’s make one thing clear:  2000 was a historically bad draft class.  Of the lottery picks, only Kenyon Martin, Mike Miller, and Jamal Crawford have had solid NBA careers.   But Stromile Swift, DeMarr Johnson, Chris Mihm, and Jerome Moiso?  Any of these guys can claim a spot on this list, so, why did I choose Marcus Fizer?  Because he’s the only one who’s been an NBA Development League MVP. Ha, take that, critics!  Oh, and in addition to Miller and Crawford, Michael Redd (taken at #43!), Hedo Turkoglu, and Joel Pryzbilla were also drafted after him.

10.  Shelden Williams (No. 5 by the Atlanta Hawks, 2005):  I don’t want to diss Mr. Candace Parker yet again, so I’ll keep this brief.  Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, and Rudy Gay were taken after him in succession.  His numbers have decreased in each of his first three seasons, and he can’t get off the Kings’ bench during a rebuilding year.  Oh, and he’s ugly as all hell (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

Dishonorable Mention:

Fran Vasquez (No. 11 by the Orlando Magic, 2005)
Trajan Langdon (No. 11 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 1999)
Todd Fuller (No. 11 by the Golden State Warriors, 1996)
Luke Jackson (No. 10 by the Cleveland Cavaliers, 2004)
Tony Battie (No. 5 by the Denver Nuggets, 1997)
Frederic Weis (No. 15 by the New York Knicks, 1999)
Saer Sene (No. 10 by the Seattle SuperSonics, 2006)

Dad?

Chicago Bulls: After last season’s thrilling beard-off with DeShawn Stevenson, Drew Gooden will bet Adam Morrison on who can grow the thicker Fu Manchu.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Delonte West’s favorite artist is Justin Timberlake, because he knows how to set the mood right (note:  we would’ve also accepted Johnny Gill).

Detroit Pistons: If you ever need to install new windows in your house, I know just the man to call.

Indiana Pacers: Jamaal Tinsley should be traded soon, but for now, his deadly shooting stroke is property of the Pacers.

Milwaukee Bucks: Charlie Villanueva is so used to Andrew Bogut’s self high-fives, he doesn’t even raise an eyebrow.

Next:  Southeast Division