The dirty zebra has written a book

But how? With his filthy hooves?

- which may or may not be published - and he’s again claiming that the games are not on the level. He’s naming names,

Names like Frank, Tyler & Gary!

and some of the stuff found its way to the Internet.

The Internet? However did it do that? And what will this global system of interconnected computer networks hold for the future of our modern society?

The NBA has delivered Donaghy’s latest allegations to a former federal prosecutor who reviewed league officiating when Donaghy’s crimes first came to light.

That former prosecutor? George Mitchell.

There is probably some truth in Donaghy’s new charges.

Like the part where he says he used to be a referee in the National Basketball Association.

The ref rat

RAT REF!

“Yer out!…OF CHEESE!”

claims stars get special treatment - not exactly a “stop the presses’’ bulletin.

It’s not hard to imagine refs playing parlor games regarding who might make the first call of the night. Maybe a guy did T-up Rasheed Wallace in order to make his fellow refs responsible for tipping the ball boys. Some refs don’t like some players. It’s only human.

It’s only human to not do your job.

But fixing games and gambling on games is another matter. Making sure a series goes seven games is corrupt.

And profitable!

Helping the Celtics and Lakers at the expense of the Cavaliers and Spurs is consumer fraud.

Seriously, c’mon. Who cares about Texas?

It’s criminal.

It’s worse than rape. WORSE THAN RAPE!

And I’m not buying it.

Yeah Dan, we read the column title already.

Donaghy is a crook and a rat.

RAT REF!

He’s also broke and back in prison.

Back in prison? Was he in there before? Did the NBA hire him through some sort of ex-con program? And c’mon. NBA refs get paid pretty well. You should see Crawford’s house in Philly. You’re telling me Donaghy is out of work for one year and all of a sudden he’s flat broke? I’m not buying your not buying it, Dan! DOUBLE NOT-BUY!

And he’s trying to make a buck.

Despicable human being. Trying to earn money after being freed from prison. Why won’t him and Michael Vick just crawl into a ditch together somewhere and DIE!

His claims got some traction yesterday on the local talk shows.

Especially mine!

The unsubstantiated charges make great Internet fodder. And I am writing about it because, well, people are talking about it.

But I simply refuse to believe that the games we watch are not on the level.

Oh, Dan. Simple pretty Dan.

Call me naive.

You are naive.

It won’t be the first time. Certainly those of us who bought into the Sosa-McGwire home run chase of 1998 were snookered.

Is that anything like getting nose-fucked? ‘Cause I don’t like getting nose-fucked.

I never thought Pete Rose would have bet on baseball while he was managing the Reds.

He always looked so trustworthy!

If I’d covered the 1919 World Series, I’d have probably written at great length about the White Sox choking and underperforming.

Shoeless Joe only hit .375? What a bum!

But tanking?

Say it ain’t so.

I went to the Garden last night to watch the Celtics and the Bulls. I kept my eyes on Tom Washington, Eric Lewis, and Zach Zarba.

Especially Zach Zarba! Me-Ow!

I saw nothing suspicious.

Zach would never cheat on me!

There are going to be bad calls, suspect calls. I just don’t think the refs are in the bag.

Donaghy’s allegations that referees managed games late in the season in order to reward large markets with playoff spots and network television revenue has been unfounded in the first two weeks of the regular season!

I talked with players, coaches, and ex-players, and naturally no one was buying into Donaghy’s premise.

Because David Stern will fucking shoot them in the goddam motherfucking head.

Seriously, Stern’s got bodies on him.

Not on the record, anyway. NBA players are not fools and only a fool would slander the men who make the calls that impact their livelihood.

So what did Stephen Jackson tell you?

“I just have faith that everybody is doing what they are supposed to do,’’ said Ray Allen.

Jesus has faith.

“The refs are not always perfect.

FINED!

There are a lot of judgment calls.

FINED!

That’s why we, as players, need to have good relationships with them. We try not to let the game get to a point where it’s in the referees’ hands.’’

SUSPENDED!

The Celtics don’t have Kevin Garnett and they are not going to repeat.

Well, at least Bob & Dan are on the same page about something.

They are in for a bloody death and it’s just a matter of who plays the executioner.

Wait, is he talking about the Globe?

It could be Cleveland or it could be Orlando.

Or Philadelphia or Detroit or Atlanta or Miami or any of the eight Western Conference teams, or perhaps even a wayward meteor..

But Chicago? The 41-41 Bulls?

As if!

The Celtics dropped a stinkbomb on North Station yesterday.

No, that was just Joakim Noah’s hair.

Coming out flatter than Tommy Heinsohn’s rookie haircut,

Now that’s the kind of reference that keeps the youth of America elbow-deep in newspaper ink and not turning to blogs for superior sports reporting! (Lowposts, notwithstanding..)

the champs lost the first game of their title defense, 105-103, in overtime against Chicago.

Remember draft night, 2007?

Bringing up bad memories. A Shaughnessy Staple.

That was when everybody around here was moaning about not getting Greg Oden or Kevin Durant and we were wondering what was the point of trading for Ray Allen?

Actually Dan, a lot of us were pumped about getting Allen; he being the best guard we’ve seen in Boston since the freaking Dee Brown era.

It was all doom and destruction.

Shaughnessy’s wife must be one happy, lucky lady.

A team with Paul Pierce, Allen, Rajon Rondo, and Kendrick Perkins? How good could the Celtics possibly be?

Better than the year before?

Say hello to your 2009 playoff team.

Hello.

Without Garnett, the Celtics yesterday looked like candidates for a first-round bounce, and coach Doc Rivers was steaming after the loss.

Ooh, I’m super-steamed! I just wanna slap somebody right on the cheeks!

“To think that we worked on transition ‘D’ for two days and the first play of the game [Joakim] Noah gets a dunk - now, that was extremely disappointing,” said Rivers. “You’d think, first playoff game, you’d be ready and up. And I just thought we kind of showed up and played the game. And then all of a sudden we got into a fight. And one thing I’d say about our guys, they join in. But at home, you’re supposed to start it.”

Next time: headbutt somebody in the nuts, Perk.

It was a tad embarrassing.

Tad Embarrassing. That would be my pen name if I wrote for the Globe.

The defending champs started this season 27-2. They won 19 consecutive games. They were indomitable at home and up until about three days ago we all thought they might make another magic run.

Fuck you, Dan. Some of us actually still believe in our team. If you’re gonna give up at the first sign of trouble, go root for the Mets.

But that was when Garnett was part of the picture. And now his absence is killing them, physically and emotionally.

Spiritually and psychologically.

Defensively and environmentally.

Structurally and Italy.

KG sat on the bench for the first half of the game. Then he was gone. Rivers didn’t like it when he was asked about Garnett leaving the scene. The ever-affable coach delivered a latter-day version of Rick Pitino’s infamous “not walking through that door” nutty.

Urban Dictionary tells me a ‘nutty’ is a hissy fit. The first & hopefully last time I will ever have to go to Urban Dictionary for a Shaughnessy article.

Seriously, is that a common term?

“Guys, Kevin is not playing in this playoffs,” said the good doctor, repeating what he first announced Thursday.

The Good Doctor.. Does he play for the Local Nine?

“I’m not answering Kevin Garnett questions.

He’s dead to me! DEAD!

“I didn’t even notice, honestly, until someone told me that he wasn’t on the bench, and I could care less.

He’s a poo-poo head! Phooey on him!

Hell, he was on the bench in the first half and we were down 8 points. So this is about the players in uniform.”

On the serious tip, Kevin Garnett is the most intense human being in the history of mankind.

He takes spreading jelly on toast serious. He once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Getting KG to sit on a bench and watch his team play an intense first round playoff game is like getting a cracked-out lion on steroids to sit on a bench and watch his team play an intense first round playoff game. If I’m a Celtic roleplayer on the bench, I’m much more comfortable with KG pacing in the tunnel watching the game on a monitor than sitting next to me with a jitter-leg bouncing up & down. CUT IT OUT, JIMMY-LEGS!

To act like he just left the field like T.O. is an insult to the player that just won you a damn title a year ago. Whichever Boston reporter brought that shit up to Doc should be drawn & quartered at the corner of Brimmer & Mt. Vernon.

One of those players was Ray Allen, who looked older than baby Benjamin Button,

Because that’s a hit movie that everybody’s seen!

making 1 of 12 shots, scoring 4 points in 39 minutes. Another was Paul Pierce, who scored 23 but clanged a free throw that would have won it with 2.6 seconds left in regulation.

Way to clang it, Clangy!

Remember?

Remember that meaningless game that meant nothing? REMEMBER?!

It was nonstop recess.

Whoooooooo! Recess!

No rules.

Just right. This Dan Shaughnessy load-release brought to you by Outback Steakhouse.

Windows open.

Well close them, Dan; you’re letting all the douche out.

Books closed.

Shaughnessy-authored books, anyway..

No more teacher’s dirty looks.

You’re losin’ me, Dan.

You could pretty much do anything you wanted.

Rape? Could I rape?

It was just a day to legally complete the school calendar.

Great analogy, you stupid squarehead.

Same deal with the Celtics last night. The skeleton crew C’s beat the Washington Generals/Wizards, 115-107.

Because the Washington Generals usually lose to the Globetrotters by eight points.

Ray Allen got the night off.

He has to sharpen his elbows for the postseason.

Paul Pierce got the night off.

Do they still get paid? Do they take a floater?

Kevin Garnett sat out for the 22d time in the last 26 games.

Lazy asshole.

It felt almost like a Patriots exhibition game.

I would say it felt exactly like a Patriots exhibition game. It also felt like a Mennonite farmer’s market and a whirling dervish dance.

Good thing it was “fan appreciation night”

Why is that in quotes? Were the players like, “Oh yeah, we really appreciate you, fans.”

or there might not have been any stars on the floor.

Yeah, they probably would’ve just stayed home. “Screw those assholes, I’m playin’ XBox!”

Allen and Pierce sat on the bench wearing suits that cost more than my car.

Please Dan, you have to spend seven or eight G’s on headroom alone.

Pierce addressed the crowd from center court before the game, acknowledging, “It’s been a long year, a trying year,” then asking for the fans to step up their game in the playoffs.

Yeah, get on your horses, you jerks!

Garnett’s only appearance was on the videoboard - the famous footage of him yelling (”AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH”) before the starters are introduced.

Nah, it’s more like “ARRRRGGHHHHRRREEEEEAAAARRRRRGGHHHH!!!”

There weren’t a ton of regulars in the stands, either.

Aw jeez, Stan wasn’t there?

This was a night to give tickets to the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker.

I don’t know what’s happening here. I also don’t think there’s much of a demand for candlesticks anymore. Probably why he had to bum tickets off a regular.

A lot of mail carriers and car mechanics were rewarded for years of loyal service.

Thanks for all the hard work you do, Jimmy. Please enjoy a pointless professional basketball game.

The real games start Saturday, when the Celtics open a best-of-seven series against the Chicago Bulls. Most of us don’t think the Celtics are going to repeat as world champions.

“Most of us (heartless assholes)..”

Why?

Because we’re sportswriters and we aren’t real fans. We hold no vested interest in our team’s success and actually have more to write/complain about when they lose.

Because Garnett (sprained knee) won’t be 100 percent and might not be a factor at all if things turn for the worse when he resumes practice today in Waltham.

That too.

Two other reasons they won’t win: the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Los Angeles Lakers. Both are better than the Celtics. And both have home-court advantage over Boston.

Shaughnessy is like a heroin addict for pessimism. He just can’t stop sticking in the needle. You think you brown, Dan. You ain’t even beige!

This feels like Cleveland’s year just like last year felt like Boston’s year.

I completely and utterly agree. But still, it’s shitty when your city’s lead sportswriter puts it in print. You should be peppin’ us up for Saturday, even if you have to lie. Stop bumming us out, you rectangle-noggin!

The Cavs have the best record and the best player. They went 39-2 at home. The only team in NBA history to go 40-1 at home was the 1985-86 Celtics. Some of us believe that team was the best in the history of basketball.

Please, the Cavs lost twice as many home games as them!

The Celtics are good.

Derrr, so are muffins.

They won 62 games, which is the same number won by the 1983-84 Celtics; that’s the only Larry Bird team that ever beat the Lakers in the Finals.

So, clearly we need to sign Larry Bird.

This year’s Green started 27-2 and won a franchise-record 19 consecutive games. Late in the season, they successfully wrestled for the second seed and won a ton of games even though they didn’t have Garnett, Leon Powe, and a raft of other talents.

A raft? What are we the Cuban National team now?

“It seemed like we were having a bad year at some points, compared to what we did last year,” said Allen, who made 95.2 percent of his free throws this season, shattering a 50-year-old franchise record set by Bill Sharman.

Yeah, suck it Sharman. Not so squeezably-soft now, are you?