The dirty zebra has written a book

But how? With his filthy hooves?

- which may or may not be published - and he’s again claiming that the games are not on the level. He’s naming names,

Names like Frank, Tyler & Gary!

and some of the stuff found its way to the Internet.

The Internet? However did it do that? And what will this global system of interconnected computer networks hold for the future of our modern society?

The NBA has delivered Donaghy’s latest allegations to a former federal prosecutor who reviewed league officiating when Donaghy’s crimes first came to light.

That former prosecutor? George Mitchell.

There is probably some truth in Donaghy’s new charges.

Like the part where he says he used to be a referee in the National Basketball Association.

The ref rat

RAT REF!

“Yer out!…OF CHEESE!”

claims stars get special treatment - not exactly a “stop the presses’’ bulletin.

It’s not hard to imagine refs playing parlor games regarding who might make the first call of the night. Maybe a guy did T-up Rasheed Wallace in order to make his fellow refs responsible for tipping the ball boys. Some refs don’t like some players. It’s only human.

It’s only human to not do your job.

But fixing games and gambling on games is another matter. Making sure a series goes seven games is corrupt.

And profitable!

Helping the Celtics and Lakers at the expense of the Cavaliers and Spurs is consumer fraud.

Seriously, c’mon. Who cares about Texas?

It’s criminal.

It’s worse than rape. WORSE THAN RAPE!

And I’m not buying it.

Yeah Dan, we read the column title already.

Donaghy is a crook and a rat.

RAT REF!

He’s also broke and back in prison.

Back in prison? Was he in there before? Did the NBA hire him through some sort of ex-con program? And c’mon. NBA refs get paid pretty well. You should see Crawford’s house in Philly. You’re telling me Donaghy is out of work for one year and all of a sudden he’s flat broke? I’m not buying your not buying it, Dan! DOUBLE NOT-BUY!

And he’s trying to make a buck.

Despicable human being. Trying to earn money after being freed from prison. Why won’t him and Michael Vick just crawl into a ditch together somewhere and DIE!

His claims got some traction yesterday on the local talk shows.

Especially mine!

The unsubstantiated charges make great Internet fodder. And I am writing about it because, well, people are talking about it.

But I simply refuse to believe that the games we watch are not on the level.

Oh, Dan. Simple pretty Dan.

Call me naive.

You are naive.

It won’t be the first time. Certainly those of us who bought into the Sosa-McGwire home run chase of 1998 were snookered.

Is that anything like getting nose-fucked? ‘Cause I don’t like getting nose-fucked.

I never thought Pete Rose would have bet on baseball while he was managing the Reds.

He always looked so trustworthy!

If I’d covered the 1919 World Series, I’d have probably written at great length about the White Sox choking and underperforming.

Shoeless Joe only hit .375? What a bum!

But tanking?

Say it ain’t so.

I went to the Garden last night to watch the Celtics and the Bulls. I kept my eyes on Tom Washington, Eric Lewis, and Zach Zarba.

Especially Zach Zarba! Me-Ow!

I saw nothing suspicious.

Zach would never cheat on me!

There are going to be bad calls, suspect calls. I just don’t think the refs are in the bag.

Donaghy’s allegations that referees managed games late in the season in order to reward large markets with playoff spots and network television revenue has been unfounded in the first two weeks of the regular season!

I talked with players, coaches, and ex-players, and naturally no one was buying into Donaghy’s premise.

Because David Stern will fucking shoot them in the goddam motherfucking head.

Seriously, Stern’s got bodies on him.

Not on the record, anyway. NBA players are not fools and only a fool would slander the men who make the calls that impact their livelihood.

So what did Stephen Jackson tell you?

“I just have faith that everybody is doing what they are supposed to do,’’ said Ray Allen.

Jesus has faith.

“The refs are not always perfect.

FINED!

There are a lot of judgment calls.

FINED!

That’s why we, as players, need to have good relationships with them. We try not to let the game get to a point where it’s in the referees’ hands.’’

SUSPENDED!

I mean, really. It was getting ridiculous.

He was living in a cardboard box! What a maroon!

After spending his first three years in Miami, Eddie House hit the road,

Begrudgingly.

playing for six teams in four years,

Slut.

always good enough to be wanted but never good enough to be considered indispensable.

So he was unindispensable? Inindispensable?

And it would be an exaggeration to say that he is indispensable.

What I’m trying to say is he’s been released.

But he is beginning his third year as a Boston Celtic for the very simple reason that he is a specialist who knows exactly who he is

Eddie House.

and who he isn’t,

Eddie Money.

and that clearly appeals to Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers.

That’s why they got rid of Mikki Moore. He thought he was Eddie Money.

“I don’t care how many snakes you have, you’re no rock star!”

“Boy, he can shoot, and he scares the hell out of other teams,’’ declares Rivers. “He used to scare the hell out of me when I was coaching elsewhere. I kid him that he’s on the All-Scare Team.’’

Rude thing to say to Shelden William’s face.

There are no secrets with Eddie.

He told everyone about my secret crush!

Mr. House doesn’t enter the game seeking to assess the game temperature or flow or tempo, or any of that stuff. When Eddie comes into the game, the ball is going up.

Send me in, Coach! I’m just gonna start huckin’ it!

“He knows his role,’’ says Rivers, “and his teammates know his role. They do whatever they can to free him up.’’

They will KILL for him!

Eddie House is a proven jump shooter. Everyone in the league knows that.

Except for Ruben Patterson, ’cause he’s a friggin’ idiot.

Patterson: Hey, man. Feelings!

But there is a second reason that helps explain why Eddie House’s nationwide perambulations

Bob Ryan’s column today has been brought to you by Thesaurus.com, for all your thesaurusing needs.

(Miami to Los Angeles (Clippers) to Charlotte to Milwaukee to Sacramento to Phoenix to New Jersey) finally ceased when he came to Boston.

Right when he was getting settled in New Jersey!

Danny Ainge is a paid-up member of his fan club.

Unfortunately, to be a member of the Eddie House Fan Club, you have to pay in heart attacks.

“First of all, I fell in love with Eddie when he was in college,’’ Ainge says.

Curry: lol, gay.

It seems that Eddie House was playing for Arizona State while Danny was playing and coaching in Phoenix. “I watched him play at Arizona State. He’s definitely a guy I’d pay to watch play. And I followed his NBA career closely.’’

A little too closely..

“I knew he was at a lot of our games,’’ says House,

I mean legally he had to tell me. Least that’s what the judge said.

who had 11 points and 4 assists in Boston’s 106-90 exhibition dispatch of the Toronto Raptors at the XL Center last night. “He used to sit courtside.

..under the bleachers.

I’d see him and it would inspire me.

..to hire security.

I’d say, ‘Man, if he’s here to see me, maybe I can play in the league.’ ’’

..and get raped by Danny Ainge.

Eddie House is not a great player.

HE’S THE GREATEST PLAYER!

He is a great shooter.

And a great dinosaur.

House: Raar! Houseasaurus!

He has never averaged 10 points a game, in part because he has never averaged 20 minutes a game. He’s a 6-foot-1-inch shooting guard masquerading, on occasion, as a point guard. His job is to enter the game and change it with long-range jumpers, almost every one of which is fired up from about 2 feet in front of the 3-point arc to 2 feet behind it.

“It was definitely great,’’ he explains.

It was definitely not good.

It was definitely great.

“I went around the little conference room

He can’t even leave Detroit without belittling the size of their conference room? No class.

and I saw them there. I really wasn’t expecting them.’’

In hindsight, I should’ve worn pants.

And it wasn’t as if Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen just happened to be in the neighborhood.

‘Cause nobody fuckin’ goes to Detroit.

There was some serious schedule rearranging going on.

Wasn’t that an Elvis song? “Whole Lotta Schedule Rearrangin’ Goin’ On”

“Me, Danny, and Wyc,’’ says Doc Rivers. “We’re not really the Big Three.’’

The head coach, the executive director of basketball operations/general manager, and the managing partner/governor

Franchises have governors? Do they have state’s rights too? Can Big Baby get an abortion if Tyrus knocks him up?

do wield a bit of power in the organization. Let’s not get carried away.

I don’t think you’ll ever have to worry about that, Bob. Forklifts have payload limits.

But if you’re a 34-year old veteran of 14 NBA seasons, are you going to be more influenced by a coach, a GM, and a businessman or by a trio of ring-bearing veterans who are here to tell you that joining forces with them to play some high-level basketball is going to make for a very fulfilling experience, and might even produce another championship ring for your collection?

Ring-bearing veterans!
Ring-bearing veterans!

We have our answer.

Ring-bearing veterans!

That was indeed Rasheed Wallace sitting underneath the 1957 and 1959 championship banners at the Celtics’ HealthPoint practice facility yesterday.

‘Cause there ain’t no room in the garden for every championship banner..

/cracks knuckles
//reclines in desk chair
///falls on ass

He was being introduced to the world

TO THE WORLD!

as the newest member of the Boston Celtics.

I’ll always remember where I was for the Rasheed Wallace Boston press conference. I’ll admit I got alittle teary-eyed when John Mayer came out and did an acoustic version of “Ball Don’t Lie.”

And this is a man who had choices once the season ended.

He could’ve gotten a sex change.

He could’ve gone back in time and fought in the Civil War.

He could’ve exploded.

He tells us, in fact, there were five places where he thought he could be playing next season: San Antonio, Dallas, Cleveland, Orlando, and Boston.

Boston, he says, made the most sense.

Fucks yeah, it did.

“I felt as though this was a good fit,’’ he explains.

The thong doesn’t hug the junk too much. Lets ‘em breathe..

“One thing these guys do is play defense.

Another thing these guys do is play offense.

Sometimes they do both.

During basketball games.

And they have a team scheme.

TEAM SCHEME!

The bottom line is that they play to win, and that is pretty much what swayed me to come here.’’

Stupid other teams, playing to lose.

This is a man who knows he’s wanted.

Dead or Alive.

(guitar solo)

He’s not the fifth choice, the fourth choice, the third choice, or the first runner-up.

He’s the second runner-up. Which, I guess, would make him the third choice..

“When the season ended we looked at the free agent list, and the name that popped up right away was Rasheed Wallace,’’ says Rivers.

Shouldn’t've bought that pop-up free agent list.

“It was clear for our team that who he was, and how he plays, he was the perfect fit for our team.’’

Him?

Rivers, Danny Ainge, and Wyc Grousbeck were perfectly capable of delivering that message, checkbook in hand.

Sheed only takes cash, though.

But Danny reasoned it wouldn’t hurt to take out an insurance policy.

On his heart!

Ba dum chh!!

He had three pretty satisfied employees on his payroll and he asked them if they wouldn’t mind turning back the clock a bit and acting as if they were in college (KG could pretend)

Cuz he dumb.

and the coach was bringing in Mr. All-State from somewhere on his recruiting visit. You know, lay it on a little.

Like Bob does with Dijonaise on his morning toast.

Tell him how much you’d like to play with him, and don’t forget to mention how great the fans and city are, too.

You know, lie a little.

It will be 6-11, 6-10, 6-10.

Who is this magical shaman who uses his mystical powers to infer the size of my formidable opponent! He’s a witch! Off with his head!

The 6-10 forwards will each be certified 3-point shooters.

It’s true. Stan Van gave them gold stars and everything.

Two of them will never have gone to college and the third will be a native of Turkey.

Oh yeah, and your lymphnodes will be the size of guava fruit and it’ll sound like you’re having a hernia every time you talk.

And your 1983 response would have been?

“Isn’t Turkey currently under a State of Emergency? How did he get out? I READ THE PAPER!”

“Not possible,” Rivers says. “I wouldn’t have thought that possible.

Whoa, holy shit. Bob actually went back in time to ask him? Maybe he still is a good journalist. Going to all that effort to create time travel and all..

If a guy like that took a three back in those days, he’d probably be suspended. I know he wouldn’t be playing.”

They’d probably just take him out behind the arena and shoot him.

“You’re tall! You don’t shoot threes! Stop it!”

Unfortunately for Doc, Orlando Magic counterpart Stan Van Gundy is not likely to be benching Rashard Lewis and Hedo Turkoglu before this series is over.

I don’t know. He’s getting that glint in his eye. I wouldn’t put it past him.

“My star player’s gonna push me out this summer. Fuck it! Battie, you’re running the point!”

They’re his guys, and firing up threes is a very big part of their games.

That and complaining about foul calls. That’s the other part.

As for Dwight Howard, he’s no 3-point shooter.

Or is he?..

Dum dum dummmm….

He’s just a modern version of an old-fashioned, butt-kicking, low-post center.

I can’t believe he never gets T’d up for kicking all those butts. Glen Davis’ ass is redder than a Cherokee in August. Not that I’ve been filming him change from across the alley..

If he’s shooting a three (0 for 2 this season, 1 for 12 lifetime), it means he has somehow been stuck with the ball in a very bad place with the shot clock running down.

Help me! I’m lost and I’m behind the three point line!

/shoots flare gun

The 23-year-old Howard and the 29-year-old Lewis were each drafted out of high school. The 30-year-old Turkoglu is a Turk.

You know what rhymes with Turk? Jerk! ‘Nuff said.

Easily my least-favorite Turk since this guy:

Neither of these phenomena would have been imaginable to the 1983 Doc Rivers, either.

It’s been recorded as fact that Doc Rivers didn’t develop an imagination until watching an episode of Murphy Brown in early 1991. After hearing another of Charles Kimbrough’s classic sass-backs, Doc was heard to exclaim, “Eureka!”

The Magic starting front line represents a microcosm of the 21st-century NBA.

Overrated & on steroids?

Actually that sounds about right..

The 3-point shot’s evolution is a fascinating story.

It didn’t exist. And then it existed.

FASCINATION!

In Doc’s rookie year of 1983-84, his Atlanta Hawks made 23 three-pointers all season.

Their team slogan that year was: Not Much Huckin’.

This season, Lewis made 226 and Turkoglu made 134.

That 226 (actually 220, Bob’s eyes are still recovering from the face explosion) looks good until you see the 554 he hoisted. DWIGHT HOWARD NEEDS HIS TOUCHES!

That Atlanta ‘83-84 total is a shocking revelation to a contemporary NBA fan,

I am shocked, and a little gassy.

but it was not out of line.

I am not as shocked!

That wasn’t even the lowest total in the league.

I am utterly unshocked!

The Bulls made only 20 threes.

Zounds! Statistics!

Other amazing totals: San Diego 24, Portland 25, Seattle 27, Philadelphia 29. The league leader, and by a wide margin, was Utah, with 101, the reason being Darrell Griffith, who had 91 of them.

Three-Hog.

(If you had been awarded extra points for shot arc, Griffith might have led the league in scoring.)

What other arbitrary aspects of peoples’ games can we come up with?

If you had been awarded extra assist totals for crotch-bunchage, John Stockton would still be the all-time leader.

If you had been awarded a better shooting percentage for having a poor shooting percentage, people with very poor shooting percentages would have better shooting percentages.

If you had been awarded cake for eating lots of cake, Bob Ryan’s belly would have exploded long before his face did.

Power forwards knew their place, and it wasn’t out by the arc.

It was in the kitchen, making me dinner!

“Stop boxing me out and pass the carrots, woman!”

“Fours [power forwards] and 5’s [centers] were all bangers,” notes Rivers.

They were all British sausage? Oh my God..

“British sausage is people! Very large people!!!”

“We had Dan Roundfield at 4 and Tree Rollins at 5. Roundfield didn’t go very far from the basket [he was 0 for 11 on threes], and we didn’t throw Tree the ball at all.

Yeah, fuck you Tree!

“The skill level has changed, especially at the 4 spot. Now you run pick-and-rolls with 4’s and 5’s. And it’s not usually a pick-and-roll; it’s a pick-and-pop.

“Sounds like my herpes sore removal process!” - Delonte West

That’s all you hear: pick-and-pop. That’s essentially what Baby [Glen Davis] did to get that big shot in Game 4. It was a pick-and-pop.”

The Celtics don’t have Kevin Garnett and they are not going to repeat.

Well, at least Bob & Dan are on the same page about something.

They are in for a bloody death and it’s just a matter of who plays the executioner.

Wait, is he talking about the Globe?

It could be Cleveland or it could be Orlando.

Or Philadelphia or Detroit or Atlanta or Miami or any of the eight Western Conference teams, or perhaps even a wayward meteor..

But Chicago? The 41-41 Bulls?

As if!

The Celtics dropped a stinkbomb on North Station yesterday.

No, that was just Joakim Noah’s hair.

Coming out flatter than Tommy Heinsohn’s rookie haircut,

Now that’s the kind of reference that keeps the youth of America elbow-deep in newspaper ink and not turning to blogs for superior sports reporting! (Lowposts, notwithstanding..)

the champs lost the first game of their title defense, 105-103, in overtime against Chicago.

Remember draft night, 2007?

Bringing up bad memories. A Shaughnessy Staple.

That was when everybody around here was moaning about not getting Greg Oden or Kevin Durant and we were wondering what was the point of trading for Ray Allen?

Actually Dan, a lot of us were pumped about getting Allen; he being the best guard we’ve seen in Boston since the freaking Dee Brown era.

It was all doom and destruction.

Shaughnessy’s wife must be one happy, lucky lady.

A team with Paul Pierce, Allen, Rajon Rondo, and Kendrick Perkins? How good could the Celtics possibly be?

Better than the year before?

Say hello to your 2009 playoff team.

Hello.

Without Garnett, the Celtics yesterday looked like candidates for a first-round bounce, and coach Doc Rivers was steaming after the loss.

Ooh, I’m super-steamed! I just wanna slap somebody right on the cheeks!

“To think that we worked on transition ‘D’ for two days and the first play of the game [Joakim] Noah gets a dunk - now, that was extremely disappointing,” said Rivers. “You’d think, first playoff game, you’d be ready and up. And I just thought we kind of showed up and played the game. And then all of a sudden we got into a fight. And one thing I’d say about our guys, they join in. But at home, you’re supposed to start it.”

Next time: headbutt somebody in the nuts, Perk.

It was a tad embarrassing.

Tad Embarrassing. That would be my pen name if I wrote for the Globe.

The defending champs started this season 27-2. They won 19 consecutive games. They were indomitable at home and up until about three days ago we all thought they might make another magic run.

Fuck you, Dan. Some of us actually still believe in our team. If you’re gonna give up at the first sign of trouble, go root for the Mets.

But that was when Garnett was part of the picture. And now his absence is killing them, physically and emotionally.

Spiritually and psychologically.

Defensively and environmentally.

Structurally and Italy.

KG sat on the bench for the first half of the game. Then he was gone. Rivers didn’t like it when he was asked about Garnett leaving the scene. The ever-affable coach delivered a latter-day version of Rick Pitino’s infamous “not walking through that door” nutty.

Urban Dictionary tells me a ‘nutty’ is a hissy fit. The first & hopefully last time I will ever have to go to Urban Dictionary for a Shaughnessy article.

Seriously, is that a common term?

“Guys, Kevin is not playing in this playoffs,” said the good doctor, repeating what he first announced Thursday.

The Good Doctor.. Does he play for the Local Nine?

“I’m not answering Kevin Garnett questions.

He’s dead to me! DEAD!

“I didn’t even notice, honestly, until someone told me that he wasn’t on the bench, and I could care less.

He’s a poo-poo head! Phooey on him!

Hell, he was on the bench in the first half and we were down 8 points. So this is about the players in uniform.”

On the serious tip, Kevin Garnett is the most intense human being in the history of mankind.

He takes spreading jelly on toast serious. He once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Getting KG to sit on a bench and watch his team play an intense first round playoff game is like getting a cracked-out lion on steroids to sit on a bench and watch his team play an intense first round playoff game. If I’m a Celtic roleplayer on the bench, I’m much more comfortable with KG pacing in the tunnel watching the game on a monitor than sitting next to me with a jitter-leg bouncing up & down. CUT IT OUT, JIMMY-LEGS!

To act like he just left the field like T.O. is an insult to the player that just won you a damn title a year ago. Whichever Boston reporter brought that shit up to Doc should be drawn & quartered at the corner of Brimmer & Mt. Vernon.

One of those players was Ray Allen, who looked older than baby Benjamin Button,

Because that’s a hit movie that everybody’s seen!

making 1 of 12 shots, scoring 4 points in 39 minutes. Another was Paul Pierce, who scored 23 but clanged a free throw that would have won it with 2.6 seconds left in regulation.

Way to clang it, Clangy!

Remember?

Remember that meaningless game that meant nothing? REMEMBER?!

It was nonstop recess.

Whoooooooo! Recess!

No rules.

Just right. This Dan Shaughnessy load-release brought to you by Outback Steakhouse.

Windows open.

Well close them, Dan; you’re letting all the douche out.

Books closed.

Shaughnessy-authored books, anyway..

No more teacher’s dirty looks.

You’re losin’ me, Dan.

You could pretty much do anything you wanted.

Rape? Could I rape?

It was just a day to legally complete the school calendar.

Great analogy, you stupid squarehead.

Same deal with the Celtics last night. The skeleton crew C’s beat the Washington Generals/Wizards, 115-107.

Because the Washington Generals usually lose to the Globetrotters by eight points.

Ray Allen got the night off.

He has to sharpen his elbows for the postseason.

Paul Pierce got the night off.

Do they still get paid? Do they take a floater?

Kevin Garnett sat out for the 22d time in the last 26 games.

Lazy asshole.

It felt almost like a Patriots exhibition game.

I would say it felt exactly like a Patriots exhibition game. It also felt like a Mennonite farmer’s market and a whirling dervish dance.

Good thing it was “fan appreciation night”

Why is that in quotes? Were the players like, “Oh yeah, we really appreciate you, fans.”

or there might not have been any stars on the floor.

Yeah, they probably would’ve just stayed home. “Screw those assholes, I’m playin’ XBox!”

Allen and Pierce sat on the bench wearing suits that cost more than my car.

Please Dan, you have to spend seven or eight G’s on headroom alone.

Pierce addressed the crowd from center court before the game, acknowledging, “It’s been a long year, a trying year,” then asking for the fans to step up their game in the playoffs.

Yeah, get on your horses, you jerks!

Garnett’s only appearance was on the videoboard - the famous footage of him yelling (”AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH”) before the starters are introduced.

Nah, it’s more like “ARRRRGGHHHHRRREEEEEAAAARRRRRGGHHHH!!!”

There weren’t a ton of regulars in the stands, either.

Aw jeez, Stan wasn’t there?

This was a night to give tickets to the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker.

I don’t know what’s happening here. I also don’t think there’s much of a demand for candlesticks anymore. Probably why he had to bum tickets off a regular.

A lot of mail carriers and car mechanics were rewarded for years of loyal service.

Thanks for all the hard work you do, Jimmy. Please enjoy a pointless professional basketball game.

The real games start Saturday, when the Celtics open a best-of-seven series against the Chicago Bulls. Most of us don’t think the Celtics are going to repeat as world champions.

“Most of us (heartless assholes)..”

Why?

Because we’re sportswriters and we aren’t real fans. We hold no vested interest in our team’s success and actually have more to write/complain about when they lose.

Because Garnett (sprained knee) won’t be 100 percent and might not be a factor at all if things turn for the worse when he resumes practice today in Waltham.

That too.

Two other reasons they won’t win: the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Los Angeles Lakers. Both are better than the Celtics. And both have home-court advantage over Boston.

Shaughnessy is like a heroin addict for pessimism. He just can’t stop sticking in the needle. You think you brown, Dan. You ain’t even beige!

This feels like Cleveland’s year just like last year felt like Boston’s year.

I completely and utterly agree. But still, it’s shitty when your city’s lead sportswriter puts it in print. You should be peppin’ us up for Saturday, even if you have to lie. Stop bumming us out, you rectangle-noggin!

The Cavs have the best record and the best player. They went 39-2 at home. The only team in NBA history to go 40-1 at home was the 1985-86 Celtics. Some of us believe that team was the best in the history of basketball.

Please, the Cavs lost twice as many home games as them!

The Celtics are good.

Derrr, so are muffins.

They won 62 games, which is the same number won by the 1983-84 Celtics; that’s the only Larry Bird team that ever beat the Lakers in the Finals.

So, clearly we need to sign Larry Bird.

This year’s Green started 27-2 and won a franchise-record 19 consecutive games. Late in the season, they successfully wrestled for the second seed and won a ton of games even though they didn’t have Garnett, Leon Powe, and a raft of other talents.

A raft? What are we the Cuban National team now?

“It seemed like we were having a bad year at some points, compared to what we did last year,” said Allen, who made 95.2 percent of his free throws this season, shattering a 50-year-old franchise record set by Bill Sharman.

Yeah, suck it Sharman. Not so squeezably-soft now, are you?