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It’s been almost two months since Bob Ryan spoke on the sport of basketball. He’s been too busy defending the elderly Bill Belichick. LEAVE GRAMPA ALONE!

Today Bob discusses Brandon Jennings and the fact that he must bow at the altar of KG, the first man to say “College is for pussies.” (Except for Reggie Harding & Spencer Haywood & Darryl Dawkins & Bill Willoughby & Moses Malone & Lloyd Daniels & Shawn Kemp; but after them, JUST KG!!)

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A smile came across my face the other day, when I saw my favorite phrase in sports among the headlines — “planning an NBA comeback.” This time, it was Bryon “Don’t Call Me Byron” Russell — best-known for getting used and abused by Michael Jordan in the 1998 NBA Finals — claiming that he could still help a contender in limited minutes.  I’m not sure why, but I still get a little excited to hear a familiar name and “return” in the same sentence. The list of recent player comebacks is surprisingly limited, but many have given serious consideration to “scratching that itch” one last time.

Of course, the king of comebacks both on and off the court, Michael Jordan, has given us three retirement speeches. The first one came in 1993, when Jordan cited a loss of desire to play basketball — or as rumor has it, was suspended by the commissioner for gambling problems — and tried his hand at minor league baseball. His subsequent comeback in 1995 was certainly memorable. I’ll never forget the ‘I’m Back’ newspaper headlines, the “Sports Illustrated” issue that’s still sitting somewhere in my parents’ attic, and all of the red #45 jerseys in the hallways of my middle school. I stared at the TV wide-eyed, as a rusty Jordan dropped 55 points against the Knicks, and then donned the familiar #23 during the conference semi-finals against Orlando.   But by the time next season rolled around, when the Bulls were on their way to winning 72 games and Jordan was coasting to another scoring title, I suddenly remembered how much I hated MJ before he retired. As a Knicks fan, I couldn’t stand the thought of facing — and losing to — Chicago in the playoffs yet again.  A painful three-peat later, I happily watched the second retirement press conference, and was even more pleased for the invention of the cigar cutter.

My personal favorite comeback, and one that doesn’t get mentioned nearly as much as it should, was Magic Johnson’s return during the 1995/96 season.  Magic retired in 1991 after contracting HIV, and the most notable opponent of Magic’s failed comeback attempt in 1992/93, was of course, a championship-hungry Karl Malone (who played with Johnson on the Olympic team, mind you).  A few years later, Magic finally returned to the hardwood to help the struggling Lakers.  I remember everything about his first game back against the Warriors, from his crazy old-school ball fake in Joe Smith’s face, to wondering whether fat Magic could now fit into his own over-sized Lakers jersey hanging in the rafters.  It still amazes me that at 36,  after not playing competitive basketball for five years, he narrowly missed a triple double with 19 points, 8 rebounds, and 10 assists in 27 minutes.  He would finish the season with averages of 15 points, 6 rebounds, and 7 assists, leading the team to a 22-10 finish.  Unfortunately, his return caused tension among the young Lakers, and despite Pat Riley’s best efforts to convince him to sign with the Miami Heat (how crazy would that have been?), Magic retired for good after Los Angeles lost to Houston in the the playoffs.   He would, however, give us more joy than he could ever imagine on The Magic Hour.  Let’s all take this time to watch a mesmerizing clip of Howard Stern’s appearance on the show.

While Jordan’s first comeback was all but inevitable, the second one caught most people by surprise.  I never thought it would actually happen, but I still refreshed the ESPN homepage countless times, hoping to see those two magic words across the screen once again.   When he stepped on the court in 2001, I found myself feeling a little sorry for the greatest player of all-time.  While he had a few Jordan-like performances, seeing him linger up and down the court on 40-year-old knees and embarrass himself on the grand stage was like watching Al Pacino in “88 Minutes” or Joaquin Phoenix trying to rap. When he finally called it quits in 2003, I figured no former NBA star would risk the same fate after witnessing Jordan’s failures.

While that hasn’t exactly been the case, many comeback attempts have ended before they’ve had a chance to begin.  After Clyde Drexler was voted into the Hall of Fame in 2004, he contemplated coming back as a 42-year-old sixth man.  Scottie Pippen, 41, announced his intentions to return after a three-year hiatus during last season’s All-Star weekend.  Charles Oakley was reportedly serious about playing for the first time in four seasons at age 44 — I’m sure it was just a coincidence that he was writing a book at the time.  Dennis Rodman toiled in the ABA and overseas as recently as 2006, hoping to get a call-up from a desperate contender.  Even Hakeem “The Dream” Olajuwon wanted to get into the act last season at the age of 45.  Okay, so that last one isn’t real, but it fooled me for a second.   None of these players drew serious interest from NBA teams, probably because there’s only so much Centrum Silver and calcium supplements to go around; and in Scottie’s case, I don’t think anyone wants to see his bald head ever again.

It’s almost hard to believe that Shawn Kemp was 33 when he last played in the NBA in 2002/03, 50 pounds overweight and battling a well-publicized cocaine addiction. He came close to making a comeback in 2006, when the Mavericks agreed to give the slimmed-down Kemp a private workout, and then again in 2007, when the Denver Nuggets gave him serious consideration. I never understood why some team wouldn’t offer him a minimum contract to get more fans in attendance — and I don’t mean all of his children. Kemp ended up signing with an Italian team last summer, but was later cut after failing to arrive on time. At almost 40, it’s not likely we’ll ever see the Reign Man play basketball on TV again…unless it’s on Pros vs. Joes.

One 40-year-old who was heavily courted by NBA teams, Reggie Miller, wisely decided against coming out of his two-year retirement.  In 2000, the Suns convinced Kevin Johnson, who retired after the 1997/98 season, to return after Jason Kidd went down with an injury; Phoenix won its first playoff series in five years. A handful of others have had moderate success at coming back to the NBA — and no, I’m not just talking about Aaron McKie and Keith Van Horn here.  Penny Hardaway, who last appeared in four games with the Knicks in 2005, signed with the Miami Heat last year.  He was released a month into the season, and Lil’ Penny has a better chance of getting another contract.  Allan Houston has twice been cut by the Knicks (that says it all right there) after coming out of retirement in 2007.  Darius Miles returned to play for the Memphis Grizzlies this year, after missing more than two seasons with what the Portland doctors considered to be a career-ending knee injury.  As the accompanying video shows, he hasn’t exactly lit the world on fire.  But sadly, the man with the family to feed, Latrell Sprewell, has been conspicuously quiet despite some recent financial concerns.  Wouldn’t it be fun to watch Spree come back at 38 to help a choking, er, struggling team in the stretch run?

When the Lakers faced the Bulls on February 2, 1996, Magic and Michael appeared on the same court for the first time since 1991 NBA Finals.  I remember a fan in the crowd held up a sign that read, “First Michael, then Magic, how about it Larry?”  Hey, it might not be too late…on second thought, maybe that’s pushing it.  I guess this was all just a long way of saying, I’m pulling for you, Bryon Russell.

A guest post from Veektor:

While the rest of the NBA universe is obsessed with the emails about Darius Miles, I just can’t get myself to care about this story. If it wasn’t for the NFL playoffs, I bet Skip Bayless would probably be in a tanning bed right now dictating the masterful conclusion to a column that would include such topics as the Portland Trailblazers, some dude named Larry Miller, Darius Miles, and bleached-hair induced outrage. But this story doesn’t matter and shouldn’t surprise anyone who is past the age when kids stop getting participation prizes and start only getting trophies for, you know, actually winning shit.

Kevin Pritchard and the Blazers attempted a sweet move to get some extra cap space. When it looked like they might lose that cap space, they tried to protect it with a threatening email. Now it looks like Memphis called Portland’s bluff and the aforementioned sweet move will not work. So now I guess Pritchard will never be able to make a trade again. Even though they will still have cap room, doctors are now uncertain whether or not someday, somehow, Paul Allen’s heart will go on. Also, the Memphis Grizzlies are a bunch of bullies.

Jordan plays golf to beat Oakley, Shaq plays basketball for the media recognition and love he never got as a child, Artest plays to fund TruWarier records, and all GMs should play to get the best players possible. This is the NBA, real life, and America. You play to win.

such a tender softness in those eyes

When the dust settles and this terrible saga is behind us, the Grizzlies will still suck (can you believe their roster is so bad they actually played a fat Darius Miles minutes in a regular season game? MAD LOLZ!!!), there will still be a ton of competition for free agents in upcoming off seasons, and the Blazers will still have plenty of cap space and a GM who seems a step above most of his peers. Shocking developments.

Thank you to John Canzano for providing a copy of this article.

By now you’re familiar with the situation regarding Darius Miles and the Portland Trail Blazers.A regrettably familiar spot for the organization; once again, instead of talking about the players on the court, we find ourselves caught up in what’s going on off of it. At the center of this debacle (standing next to Darius Miles) is Paul Allen’s newest pet, sports writer/radio personality John Canzano. Motivated by his personal distaste for Darius and his agent, Jeffery Wechsler, Canzano did everything in his power to skewer Miles.

CLOWNZANO! GET IT?

In an interview with thebiglead.com, Canzano quipped that Darius was trying to make a comeback because ‘he misses being able to tell strippers that he’s an NBA player.’ Ha ha. That’s funny… Until you realize that Canzano dedicated an entire column of drivel to this topic. Upon receiving a tip that Darius had spent a Saturday night at Portland strip club Dolphin II, he wrote an article titled ‘Darius Miles, Hang it up‘. Where he peddles his righteous values and moral superiority (Canzano is probably the type of guy that would leave wife and family for another woman!). Consider that while Canzano finds the fact that Darius’ off nights spent at strip clubs newsworthy, Blazer beat writer Jason Quick has never once mentioned these outings in print.

Canzano went on to gripe that he couldn’t get Darius’ agent on the phone. Welscher’s comments have popped up on the Blazers blog Blazers Edge multiple times. When a blog can get a sports agent on the phone to comment on a story, but the state’s only daily newspaper can’t, something isn’t right. It’s either somebody is too lazy to do their job or they’ve seriously pissed someone off by making things up.

Autzen!

Making things up? Also not below Canzano. Columinst turned blogger Dwight Jaynes wrote an article about a possible violation of federal regulations when Blazers GM Kevin Pritchard publicly commented on the status and severity of Darius’ microfacture surgery. Canzano went ballistic on his radio show; claming that Jaynes was doing nothing more than perpetuating a rumor planted by Darius’ agent. Jaynes fired back, absolutely shredding Canzano. The public shaming didn’t stop there, Ben of Blazers Edge went on to dismantle Canzano’s tirade.

Canzano went on to say, ‘He will never play another productive game.’ While Canzano maintained that Darius’ career was over, multiple reporters, along with Miles, disagreed completely.

Canzano’s disconnect with the reality of the Darius situation and the Blazers overall status with the league was put on display Sunday when he was shocked to learn that Pritchard is not well liked in the elite fraternity of NBA GMs and owners. If Canzano bothered to do his job and look for Blazer news outside the Blazers’ RSS feed he would’ve known this already.

It’s hard to believe that somebody who’s as close to the Blazers organization as Canzano could be so wrong when it came to what was actually going on with Darius. He was either lying through his teeth or flat out wrong. Probably a combination of the two. Regardless, this incident taught us who NOT to trust when it comes to news regarding the Blazers.

/dick joke

UNCANNY!

Having not broken character since entering the NBA in the 2000-2001 season, performer Darius Miles has been heralded as the best professional basketball impersonator in the business! He’s played in over 400 ACTUAL NBA GAMES. You will not find an impersonator with more on the court experience.  He has the height, the swagger, the arrogance, and overall disinterest in actually working to fool even the savviest students of the game (see references).

NO WAY!

Darius is more than ready to show up at your event. Miles and his posse take their work very seriously and never break character. They generally arrive at your function anywhere from 1 to 4 hours late; reeking of strippers and marijuana. You’re now in the presence of a real NBA player! Drink it in: you’re short!  Feel free to ask Darius for an autograph (he will decline)!

YES WAY!

Darius has performed in major cities such as CHICAGO, LOS ANGELES, NEW YORK & every other city that has a NBA team.

Availability: Available anytime.

References: Steve Patterson, Bob Whitsitt, Donald Sterling, Maurice Cheeks, and Danny Ainge.

This is Part 2 of Act Like You Know .  Part 1 can be found here.

Let’s skip the intro and get right to it — NBA players who’ve tried their hand at ’serious’ acting…or at least more than just playing themselves on the big screen.

1.  Shaquille O’Neal:  Much like his rapping career, the Big Aristotle has very little going for him in his movies.  His two big headliners, Kazaam (1996) and Steel (1997), both fell way short of expectations on all fronts.  I could use another free throw joke here, let’s stick to the facts (and percentages).

Kazaam find Shaq playing a genie who grants three wishes to a young boy, after being released from an abandoned magic boom box…and he somehow becomes a famous rapper in the process (no, seriously).  I actually remember watching it as a kid in the theater with my parents, and desperately hoping the boy’s next wish would be for the movie to end.  Not surprisingly, Kazaam received negative reviews from just about every critic, giving it an unbeatable Rotten Tomatoes score of 0%.

Here’s a clip of Shaq and the kid passing the mic — don’t say I didn’t warn you.

In Steel, which is based on a DC Comics superhero, John Henry Irons (Shaq) creates a military suit out of junkyard scraps to fight an evil street gang.  According to Wikipedia, the film cost an estimated $16 million to produce, but grossed under $1.7 million at the box office.  Shaq was also nominated for a Razzie Award for Worst Actor, but couldn’t even beat out Kevin Costner (The Postman) for that honor.  By the way, I’m not a comic book guy, and maybe someone can point out the differences in the comments, but, um, isn’t this just like the backstory for Ironman?

2. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar:  In addition to making cameos on several popular TV shows, including Diff’rent Strokes, Full House, and 21 Jump Street, Kareem has been featured in a handful of movies.  In Airplane (1980), he plays co-pilot Roger Murdock, who pretends he’s not actually the NBA star.  His acting isn’t spectacular, but he ends up playing an unforgettable role in the movie.  Much to his credit, Kareem isn’t above making fun of himself, especially his bad rap as as a defender:

Kareem’s other famous movie appearance is his memorable fight scene against Bruce Lee in Game of Death (1978).  It may not be a speaking part, but his towering martial artist is more believable than all of Shaq’s characters combined.  Unfortunately, Abdul-Jabbar didn’t stop there, and went on to star in the horrendous, straight-to-video clunker, Slam Dunk Ernest (1995).  Kareem plays the “Archangel of Basketball,” who gives Ernest a magical pair of shoes that allow him to jump higher than every other player (hmm…I’m on to you, Bow Wow).  Just one question for the Hall of Famer — why???

3.  Dennis Rodman: Yeah, there’s not much to be said for Rodman’s acting career. In Double Team (1997), he plays Yaz, a crazy arms dealer who teams up with Jean-Claude Van Damme to track down a bad guy. The movie is as lame as it sounds, and even throws in a few corny basketball jokes (shooting a skull like a free throw!).  Rodman ended up winning three “Golden Raspberry Awards,” including Worst Supporting Actor and Worst New Star.  Incredibly, “The Worm” is also the leading man in Simon Sez (1999), in which he plays an Interpol agent who lives in the cellar of a French monastery and in a stark contrast, tries to stop an evil arms dealer.  The movie is over-the-top, ridiculous, and unwatchable, tying Shaq for worst score possible (though Rodman is still infinitely better than costar Dane Cook).

Rodman also has two movies on his IMDB page that I’ve never seen and couldn’t find much about: Coming Attractions (2006) and The Minis (2008).  It should be noted that the plot summary for the latter reads:  “Dwarfs playing basketball…with Dennis Rodman.”  Looks like a genius idea to me.

4.  Ray Allen: Allen played high school basketball star Jesus Shuttlesworth in Spike Lee’s He Got Game, and surprisingly held his own against the likes of accredited actors Denzel Washington and Rosario Dawson. On the surface, it’s another basketball movie, and even features several NBA players — Travis Best, Rick Fox, John Wallace, Walter McCarty — as Allen’s teammates. Yet, it’s really more about a strained relationship between an incarcerated father and his son, as well as the role that basketball plays in each of their lives.  While he received mixed reviews for his performance, Allen is credible and has a few moving scenes with Washington.  His only other notable role was as a basketball player (shocking) in Harvard Man, where he gets little screen time and doesn’t contribute much to the plot.

5. Darius Miles: In The Perfect Score, Miles plays a star basketball player who needs to pass the SAT in order to get into college.  As expected, he’s wooden and detached, though in fairness, his character is supposed to be somewhat quiet and nonverbal.  His performance is also miles (get it) above his two-line cameo in Van Wilder, so at least he’s improving.  The good news is that he’ll have a lot of free time now, since his NBA career appears to be officially over.

Honorable Mention:

*Rick Fox: After getting minor roles in several movies — including Blue Chips, Eddie, and He Got Game — Fox has attempted a serious Hollywood career.  He’s had multi-episode stints on numerous television shows, including Oz, One Tree Hill, Ugly Betty, and Dirt.  That may be enough to put him at #5 on the list, but, well, he’s still Rick Fox.

*Wilt Chamberlain: Wilt’s only credited movie role is as Bombaata, a warrior on a mission to kill Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character in Conan the Destroyer (1984).  But I’m willing to bet that at least one of his 20,000 female companions has filmed a better performance.

I’ve been fascinated by afros ever since I was a little kid.   When I was growing up, I wanted a ‘fro more than anything in the world, and constantly begged my mother to let me get a perm for my wavy hair.  In hindsight, I’m glad she didn’t listen, because I could never pull of a cool-looking Jewfro (at least, not as well as “Fletch“).

To make up for the lack of awesome afros in the early ’90’s — the apparent peak of the flat top era — I frequented local sports card shows, searching for new, um, hair-raising items to add to my collection.  The ABA was the jackpot of amazing afros during the 1970’s.  Among my favorites were classic styles worn by the likes of Darnell Hillman and Julius Erving, the Chia Pet on the head of Randy Denton, and Michael Jackson’s “thriller.”  The unintentionally hilarious balding ‘fro would later find its way into the NBA, courtesy of World B. Free.

Thankfully, the late ’90’s and early 2000’s marked the triumphant return of the ‘fro, starting with Ben Wallace.  Big Ben was one of the first players to switch between the increasingly popular cornrows and afro hairstyles from game to game.  Although the trend never caught on as much as one would’ve liked, it game us a handful of memorable appearances, such as the ones below.

Ben Wallace

Shaun Livingston

Ricky Davis

Darius Miles

Moochie Norris

Ronny Turiaf

For a short time, several NBA superstars got into the act, popularizing the ‘baby afro’ look in the mid-2000’s.  It’s a shame that Gilbert Arenas may have kept his bushy hairstyle a little longer, had it not been for an unfortunate conditioning incident.  Even the usually plain-vanilla Tim Duncan busted out a fantastic mini-fro for the beginning 2004/05 season, before eventually going back to his patented bald look.

Kobe Bryant

Gilbert Arenas

Tim Duncan

Unfortunately, those hairstyles are long gone, and today’s NBA has a disturbing lack of hair creativity.  Ben Wallace’s ‘fro is tired, and it’s only a matter of time before he starts looking like the aforementioned World B. Free (sorry, I just can’t get enough of that photo).  I don’t know what Anderson Varejao, Robin Lopez, and Joakim Noah have going right now, but those are not afros.  They look more like Sideshow Bob or Corbin Bleu admirers than Dr. J fans.  To top if off, the only man who’s maintained a true ‘fro since coming into the league, Josh Childress, is now representing in Greece.  And it’ll be at least a year until we see Brandon Jennings’ old school flat top on the NBA hardwood.  We’re close to reaching a crisis stage here, people.  If David Stern needs to get involved here, I’m okay with that — whatever it takes.  Just bring back the ‘fro!

Josh Childress

Anderson Varejao

Robin Lopez