It’s been almost two months since Bob Ryan spoke on the sport of basketball. He’s been too busy defending the elderly Bill Belichick. LEAVE GRAMPA ALONE!

Today Bob discusses Brandon Jennings and the fact that he must bow at the altar of KG, the first man to say “College is for pussies.” (Except for Reggie Harding & Spencer Haywood & Darryl Dawkins & Bill Willoughby & Moses Malone & Lloyd Daniels & Shawn Kemp; but after them, JUST KG!!)

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Once the offseason begins in a few months, basketball headlines will be dominated by news of NBA players being lured by big money in Europe.  While it still seems unlikely that superstars in their prime such as LeBron James or Kobe Bryant would seriously consider playing overseas, many key players such as Josh Childress, who averaged 10 points and 5 rebounds in 15 games for Olympiacos this season, have jumped over to the Euroleague.  The common perception has been that even unspectacular and over the hill NBA players would dominate the inferior competition.   Part I will take a look at how a few stars, as well as a couple of busts, have fared in Europe after playing in the NBA.  Part II will focus on European players who’ve come over to the US.

Dominique Wilkins: It was all Greek to ‘Nique when he signed with Panathinaikos in 1995 at the age of 35. He was named the Final Four MVP after putting  up 21 points and 7 rebounds per game and leading the team to its first European Championship.  Wilkins returned to the NBA in 1996 and led San Antonio in scoring, though Spurs fans likely appreciate him more for the 20-62 record that allowed them to draft Tim Duncan.  Wilkins played in Italy in 1997, and at 39, finished his career with one non-Highlight season in Orlando.

Magic Johnson: After Magic retired from the Lakers for a second time in 1996, he bought and played for Magic M7, a team from the Swedish town of Borås (high-five!). Two seasons later, the 42-year-old bought a Denmark team, the Great Danes, and always the modest one, once again renamed it after himself. Johnson suited up for two games on the Magic Great Danes, averaging 9 points, 12 rebounds, 13 assists and 9 turnovers.  It doesn’t look like anyone was going for that ball-fake though.

Scottie Pippen: When Pippen failed to land with an NBA team in 2007 after a three-year retirement, he took his game to Finland at the age of 42. He averaged 11 points and 8 rebounds in two games for ToPo, going a Starks-esque two for 16 from behind the arc, and then put up 21 points, 12 rebounds, six assists in his final game for the Sundsvall Dragons. Pippen said his motivation was to “inspire young Scandinavians.”  I’m sure it had nothing to do with trying to avoid bankrupcy.

Bob McAdoo: A three-time scoring champ in his early years, McAdoo averaged less than 12 points per game over his final six injury-plagued NBA seasons. At the age of 35, he signed with Tracer Milan and went on to average over 25 points and 8 rebounds per game, winning two league titles in six seasons.  When he retired in 1992 at the age of 41, McAdoo worked as the basketball technical adviser (whatever that means) for the classic Kevin Bacon movie, “The Air Up There” (seriously).

Trajan Langdon: The most famous Alaskan athlete of all-time (sounds like an oxymoron), Langdon was drafted by the Cavs in 1999 and averaged five points per game on 41% shooting over three seasons . He’s since played in Italy, Turkey, and Russia, where he was named Euroleague Finals MVP in 2008. Langdon was cut by the Clippers in training camp in 2004, which pretty much sums up his chances of making an NBA comeback at the age of 31.

Anthony Parker: Parker was out of the NBA by 2000 after averaging just two points per game in three seasons with the 76ers and Magic. He signed with the Israeli club Maccabi Tel Aviv, where he led the team to numerous titles, including two Euroleague championships,and won two MVPs. He returned to the NBA in 2006 after a six-year absence, and has become one of the league’s best shooters with the Raptors. However, he’ll always have to live with the shame of not being able to beat his little sister in a game of one-on-one.

Bonzi Wells: Wells put up 12 points per game in 10 NBA seasons before signing a $40-thousand contract (you read that correctly) with a team in China. The 32-year-old quickly became a Chinese Basketball Association legend, averaging over 34 points in 14 games. However, ‘Banzai’ became an unfortunate victim of the Chinese Sports Illustrated cover jinx (yes, that’s a real magazine) when he failed to return to the team after the Chinese New Year and lost his roster spot to Tim Pickett.

Dennis Rodman: Where hasn’t the Worm been? And we’re just talking about basketball here. Rodman played three games for the UK Brighton Bears in 2006, one game for Pippen’s Finland team the following year, and two exhibition games in the Philippines in 2006. Not to mention, that since appearing in 12 games with the Mavericks in 2000, he’s had brief stints with three different ABA teams and was negotiating with another club as recently as last season at age 46 (!). In a completely unrelated story, he’s broke.

Quick Hits:

*Roy Tarpley: was twice banned from the NBA for cocaine and alcohol abuse, and put up solid numbers over seven years in Greece and Cyprus. He again filed for reinstatement in 2003, but was denied reentry. In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to list Vin Baker as his sponsor.

*Reggie Theus: spent one year in Italy in between 13 years in the NBA and four with the Deering Tornadoes.

*Kenny Anderson: was released by the Clippers and then the Zalgiris Kaunas (Lithuania) in successive seasons. I’m not sure which is the bigger insult.

*Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf: played in Russia, Italy, and Greece, and is currently in the Saudi Arabian league. Apparently none of those countries’ flags are symbols of oppression and tyranny.

*Eddie Johnson:  led Olympiakos to the Greek Championship in 1994/95, before playing four more years in the NBA and debating a name change, .

*Tom Chambers: played for Maccabi Tel Aviv during the 1995/96 season before returning to the NBA for two more years, and is um, currently planning a comeback at the age of 49.

*Byron Scott:  led Panathinaikos to a Euroleague title and won the Finals MVP award in 1997 after his final season in the NBA with the Lakers.  Then again, just about anything would’ve be better than playing with Kobe Bryant again.

*Darryl Dawkins: Chocolate Thunder barely drizzled in Italy for five years after retiring from the NBA in 1989. He later attempted two unsuccessful comebacks with the Nuggets in 1994 and the Celtics in 1995.

*Rolondo Blackman: won the Italian Champion with Stefanel Milano in 1996 after a short stint in Greece. Contrary to popular belief, he and Renaldo Balkman are two different people.

We’ve previously looked at one side of the unique connection between rap and basketball — NBA players who’ve tried to (unsuccessfully) release rap albums.   A much more common phenomenon in today’s hip-hop/hoops era finds rappers mentioning basketball players in their lyrics.  In fact, it’s almost impossible to listen to a rap album and not hear a musician compare himself or his counterparts to his favorite players, usually with something lame like, “I’m number one like Tracy McGrady.”  There were probably more clichéd references to Shaq missing free throws in the mid-’90’s than, well, the actual number of missed free throws by the big man.  While Michael Jordan, LeBron James, and Allen Iverson, to name a few, have been name-dropped hundreds of times (according to Slam, Jordan has been acknowledged over 150 times himself), here are some of the more original and memorable rap lyrics that mention NBA stars.

Clyde, Rick Barry, and Pistol Pete,
Now these players, could never be beat,
Isiah, and Iceman too,
Just give ‘em the ball, and then you talk up too,
Dantley and Wilkins are on the scene,
And Ralph Sampson is really mean,
Bill Russell didn’t take no junk,
And Darryl Dawkins got a monster dunk

– Kurtis Blow “Basketball” (1984)

A hip-hop pioneer and a knowledgeable NBA fan, Kurtis Blow referred to dozens of other NBA superstars such as Julius Erving, Wilt Chamberlain, and Magic Johnson in his hit single. While the lyrics and video are badly outdated — not to mention that Blow is a dead-ringer for Dave Chappelle’s Prince — the song was monumental in establishing an early connection between rap and basketball. It’s since been used in commercials, including the Lil’ Penny ads, and was unfortunately remade by Lil’ Bow Wow in 2002 . Let’s just pretend that never happened.

Max mostly, undivided, then slide in, sickenin’
Guaranteed, made em jump like Rod Strickland

– Wu-Tang Clan “Triumph” (1997)

I have no idea why rappers love Strickland so much. Not only is he also mentioned on “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing Ta F’ With,” but his name appears on Pharoahe Monch’s “Official,” (”I walk the earth with my Rod in this Strick-land”), DMX’s “Sincerity” (”straight to the hole, like Rod Strickland”), and Method Man’s “Evil Streets” (”then the plot thickens, on point like Rod Strickland”). Is it just because his name is so easy to rhyme?  It’s too bad that Strick’s propensity to puke hot dogs during Wizards games (I actually saw this live once) never made it into a song.

“Who slam harder? Onyx or Vince Carter? (ONYX!)” – Onyx, “Slam Harder” (2002)

Carter’s name is found on countless rap songs, including the chorus of this commercial single. The funny thing is that by 2002, Vince wasn’t really slamming anymore, sitting out with a knee injury and eventually declaring that he “[didn't] want to dunk anymore.” “Slam Harder” was supposed to be Onyx’s comeback anthem, a follow-up to their 1993 hit “Slam,” but never translated into good album sales. The lesson here, as Raptors fans will be quick to tell you, is don’t rely on Vince Carter for anything.

Worry, I’m not Mike Jordan, of the mic recordin’
Hovi, baby, you Kobe, maybe Tracy McGrady
Matter fact, you Harold Miner, J.R. Rider, washed up on marijuana
Even worse you a Pervis Ellis, you worthless, fella
You ain’t no athlete, you Shawn Bradley

– Jay-Z “Pump It Up [Remix]” (2003)

Jay-Z is no stranger to NBA similes, foreshadowing his own comeback on “Encore,” (”come back like Jordan, wearing the 4-5“), and likening his competitors to Sam Bowie on “Hola Hovito.”  His verse on the remix of Joe Budden’s “Pump It Up” prompted rumors of a feud between the two rappers. If Jay-Z was really battling Budden, himself no stranger to “NBA” allusions, then throwing in four of the biggest busts in league history (including, quite fittingly, Baby Jordan) in a four-bar span was a knock-out punch.

During last season’s playoffs, a war of words between DeShawn Stevenson and LeBron James, who compared the Wizards guard to rapper Soulja Boy, led Jay-Z back in the booth.  The part owner of the New Jersey Nets recorded a Stevenson diss track, “Blow the Whistle,” and is currently working on a new record for LeBron, “To Live and Die in NJ,” to be released in the summer of 2010.

And y’all scared, I can tell / that Im’a get Bucks like Milwaukee, cause like Sam, I Cassell.  – Jadakiss, Put Ya Hands Up (2001)

It’s interesting to hear Cassell’s name pop up so often, since like Strickland, he was never a star player. He’s renowned for being clutch and looking like an alien, both of which are prominently covered by rappers: Drag-On (”And keep a guard wit ya that shoot, like Sam Cassell”); Cassidy (”And if I don’t sell, and plans should fail, man it’d get ugly like Sam Cassell”); and Redman (”Call me the Sam Cassell, shots two minute on the clock, cops know the SL handle well”). I only have one request — can someone make a testicle dance video before Sam retires?

“I’m just Kidd-in’ like Jason.” — Nelly, “Hot in Herre” (2002)

Nelly made a quick (and not particularly witty) play on words using Jason Kidd’s name on his biggest hit. Seriously though, Nelly, is that the best you could do, considering all we know about the husband of the year? How about, “I spit rhymes like J-Kidd spits french fries?” Yeah, this is probably why I’m not a rapper.

Quick Hits:

Snoop Dogg, Hoop Dreams (1999): Snoop imagines playing point guard for the Lakers and even makes a couple of transactions: “And we traded for a few players, some Pacers, Miller and Mullin, and now they Lakers.” Maybe the Clippers should consider hiring him instead of Isiah for that executive position?

Jay-Z, “La, La, La (Excuse Me Again)” (2004): “And I’m the Franchise like the Houston Rockets…” Just imagine Steve Francis’ excitement here, right before Jay finishes the line with, “…Yao Ming!”  Burn!

Wu-Tang Clan, “Starter” (2007):  “You’s starter, like Candace Parker, take flight like Skywalker, might wolf it on ya father.”  The whole first verse is about Candace Parker, and believe me, it only gets worse from here.

Wu-Tang Clan, “Soul in the Hole” (1999): “Sore losers take off they jersey, cause they ain’t James Worthy.”

Public Enemy, “Rebel Without a Pause” (1988): “I’ll throw it down your throat like Barkley.”

The Roots, “Ain’t Sayin’ Nothing New” (1999):  “I just back-slap that ass like Shaq did Ostertag.”

Nas, “These Are Our Heroes” (2004): “From OJ to Kobe, uh let’s call him Tobe … Yo, you can’t do better than that? The hotel clerk who adjusts the bathroom mat?”

Nelly Furtado: “Promiscuous,” (2006): “Is your game MVP like Steve Nash?”  It’s not rap, but it features and is produced by Timbaland.

Gnarls Barkley: the group name; Cee-Lo was a rapper in his former life.

Styles P, “Good Times (I Get High)” (2005): No rap references in the lyrics, but, um, is that Jalen Rose DJing at the 2:41 and 3:06 marks??

The only rapper who’s come close to playing in the NBA is Percy “Master P” Miller — hard as it is to believe now — who was on the preseason rosters of the Charlotte Hornets in 1998 and the Toronto Raptors in 1999.  Although he never appeared in a regular season game, he put out a mixtape in honor of his achivements.  Maybe one day, his son, Lil’ Romeo, a rap artist in his early teens who currently plays for USC will become the first true rapper-turned-baller. (Checks Romeo Miller’s stats).  Maybe not.

As much as I like a few current NBA player commercials, such as the Charles Barkley and Dwyane Wade T-Mobile spots, they just don’t have the same charm as the late ’80s and mid-’90’s classics. Today’s generation of NBA stars dream of being actors and global icons, and as a result, the more polished and better-written advertisements often end up being less interesting and memorable. Instead of showcasing the ‘best’ commercials of all-time, here’s a list of the funniest ones ever made.

1. Larry Bird, Chardon Jeans: I don’t think it’s possible to have a more awesome commercial where the star doesn’t even have to say a word. You gotta love the grinding roller-skating waitresses and cheesy ’80’s music, but is Bird’s ass pressed up against the arcade game supposed to sell jeans?  When did the hick from French Lick become a sex symbol? This Celtics restaurant ad deserves to be mentioned here, too, if only we had better quality.

2. Magic Johnson, Kentucky Fried Chicken: We already know that Magic’s attempt at a late-night talk show failed miserably, and that was after he took speech lessons. It’s actually hard to understand how his on-the-court charisma never translated to the camera. There are quite a few awful Magic commercials from the late ’80’s and early ’90’s, but this absurd KFC ad is my favorite, just barely edging out his anti-drug PSA, “Don’t Foul Out!”  Can you tell he’s reading cue-cards?

3. Shaquille O’Neal, All-Sport: Shaq commercials could take up the next seven spots, since he had several terrible Pepsi ones, and this borderline-homoerotic Taco Bell ad with Hakeem Olajuwon (whoever thought this was a good idea should be fired). But the All-Sport one takes the cake for being so corny and badly out-dated, and plus, is it just me, or does the ball not even go in on Shaq’s over-the-shoulder, full court shot at the end? They couldn’t even get that right?

4. Larry Johnson, Converse: I had a Larry Johnson “Grandmama” poster on my wall as a kid, and I remember my mom thinking it was really weird. Looking back back now, I couldn’t agree more. I mean, why in the world would you dress up an NBA superstar as an elderly drag-queen, and does anyone understand what’s going on in these commercials?  It’s just laughably bad, and I’m getting more and more creeped out every time I play it.  Let’s move on.

5. Gheorge Muresan, Snickers: One of few intentionally funny commercials on the list, this Muresan spoof on Michael Jordan cologne is absolutely brilliant — major props to the big man for being such a good sport. There’s another Muresan ad that my friends and I loved, where he misses a shot and then says, “Score one for the kids!” I would honestly buy anything this hilarious man tried to sell me…well, except a copy of “My Giant.”

6. Vince Carter, Nike: Another head-scratcher — Vince Carter doing cartwheels and somersaults down the street in a Craig Sager-esque purple suit, rescuing a cat out of a tree and shooting it back to the owner like a fade-away jumper…makes perfect sense to me.  And did Joe Budden need cash that badly to provide the music?  It’s too bad it cuts off after 59 seconds, and we don’t get to see Carter falling to the floor and clutching his leg in agony for the next 15 minutes.

7. Darryl Dawkins, Wheaties: This would’ve been higher on the list if Mr. Chocolate Thunder had more than just a single bar to rap — a gimmick which of course, never fails when it comes to athletes — but he makes the most of what he’s given. If I’m not mistaken, the line is, “Before I slam my gorilla dunkies, I get the eaties for my Wheaties.” Oh, just imagine the comedy if only Dawkins had decided to venture out into a music career…then again, he’d still be better than Shaq or Kobe.

8. Magic Johnson, Isiah Thomas, Kevin McHale, Mark Aguirre, Bernard King, Larry Bird, Converse: Speaking of NBA players trying to rap, this classic Converse commercial features several ’80’s stars showing off their funky flows about the Converse Weapon.  Shockingly, Kevin McHale comes the closest to actually being on-beat, while Bird doesn’t even try to rap and flat-out says his lines. And no, I have no idea what Magic is trying to do here either.

9. Penny Hardaway, Nike: I’m sure everyone loved these Lil’ Penny commercials back in the day, which featured Chris Rock’s voice and appearances from Tyra Banks (back when she was damn fine) and Spike Lee. They were all pretty funny — I’m guessing limited dialogue for Penny and a professional comedian helped a little. I remembering thinking it was so cool to say Lil’ Penny’s lines on the basketball court…I regret that decision now.

10. Michael Jordan and Larry Bird, McDonalds: No list would be complete with this classic, which is arguably the most famous NBA commercial ever made.  Two legends playing a crazy game of horse is enough to warrant a chuckle by itself, but Bird’s, um, “acting” — it’s not a coincidence that he lands in three of the top ten — and Jordan’s ridiculous shirt pattern take it to another level. Oh, and I’m not sure why, but the voice-overs in this Spanish version just kill me.

Honorable Mention:

*Dominique Wilkins, Danny Ainge, Byron Scott, Doc Rivers, Nike:  Which name doesn’t belong?
*Charles Barkley, Reebok:  Not really sure what’s going on here…
*David Robison and Gary Payton, Nike:  ‘The Glove’ always comes through.
*Shawn Kemp, Reebok: Similar to the Barkley one, but even more confusing.
*Brent Barry, HEB:  It’s a local ad, but wow…
*Classic Sprite:  No NBA players, but it’s still one of the funniest basketball-themed ads ever.