Marcello: Bennie! Get in here, you old so-and-so!
Salvatore: Mr. Gibrini, glad you could see me on such short notice.
Marcello: I understand you have some qualms about tonight’s game, Bennie?
Salvatore: Well, it’s just that - with all due respect Mr. Gibrini - if we give LA Game 3, isn’t that going to be completely transparent?
Marcello: (lights stogie) I’m not following.
And now, the 2009 return of The Absolute Zero Award, brought to you by various colas, in which I try to get all statistically analytical. Going by Efficiency Rating, which is really the only stat that matters (It says Lebron is #1! It must be true!), we try to figure out who the worst basketball players are in the league that actually still get playing time. I’ve added a new wrinkle this year, where they have to play in nearly every game. I take the team who’s played the least games this season (18, as of today) and only select players who have played that many games or more.
Just to put it all in perspective, Lebron’s got a rating of 30.0. That’s good. Tony Allen’s got a rating of -2.0 (through one game). That’s not good. Somewhere in the middle is Anthony Parker with a rating of 8.6, which is average-ish. The five men listed below are below average. The closer to zero, the better (or worse).
So. Who’s the worst in the league? Who’s the Absolute Zero? To the abacus!
It’s been almost two months since Bob Ryan spoke on the sport of basketball. He’s been too busy defending the elderly Bill Belichick. LEAVE GRAMPA ALONE!
Today Bob discusses Brandon Jennings and the fact that he must bow at the altar of KG, the first man to say “College is for pussies.” (Except for Reggie Harding & Spencer Haywood & Darryl Dawkins & Bill Willoughby & Moses Malone & Lloyd Daniels & Shawn Kemp; but after them, JUST KG!!)
Dan Shaughnessy hasn’t graced the pages of our fine editorial literary review in four and a half months. Somebody’s been doggin’ it..
“Blah, we’re big pink idiots! Feed us potatoes!”
This week, Dan Shaughnessy finally takes Tim Donaghy down a peg. HE’S BEEN ON TOP FOR TOO LONG!
Can’t Buy His Latest Call
‘Cause I’m broke, ’cause I work for a newspaper!
Tim Donaghy is back in the news.
Didja hear? He withdrew from the race for President of Afghanistan!
Serving time in federal prison, the former NBA official is once again trying to take down the NBA and its corps of referees.
A corps of referees? I always thought you referred to them as a gaggle..
The dirty zebra has written a book
But how? With his filthy hooves?
- which may or may not be published - and he’s again claiming that the games are not on the level. He’s naming names,
Names like Frank, Tyler & Gary!
and some of the stuff found its way to the Internet.
The Internet? However did it do that? And what will this global system of interconnected computer networks hold for the future of our modern society?
The NBA has delivered Donaghy’s latest allegations to a former federal prosecutor who reviewed league officiating when Donaghy’s crimes first came to light.
That former prosecutor? George Mitchell.
There is probably some truth in Donaghy’s new charges.
Like the part where he says he used to be a referee in the National Basketball Association.
The ref rat
RAT REF!
“Yer out!…OF CHEESE!”
claims stars get special treatment - not exactly a “stop the presses’’ bulletin.
It’s not hard to imagine refs playing parlor games regarding who might make the first call of the night. Maybe a guy did T-up Rasheed Wallace in order to make his fellow refs responsible for tipping the ball boys. Some refs don’t like some players. It’s only human.
It’s only human to not do your job.
But fixing games and gambling on games is another matter. Making sure a series goes seven games is corrupt.
And profitable!
Helping the Celtics and Lakers at the expense of the Cavaliers and Spurs is consumer fraud.
Seriously, c’mon. Who cares about Texas?
It’s criminal.
It’s worse than rape. WORSE THAN RAPE!
And I’m not buying it.
Yeah Dan, we read the column title already.
Donaghy is a crook and a rat.
RAT REF!
He’s also broke and back in prison.
Back in prison? Was he in there before? Did the NBA hire him through some sort of ex-con program? And c’mon. NBA refs get paid pretty well. You should see Crawford’s house in Philly. You’re telling me Donaghy is out of work for one year and all of a sudden he’s flat broke? I’m not buying your not buying it, Dan! DOUBLE NOT-BUY!
And he’s trying to make a buck.
Despicable human being. Trying to earn money after being freed from prison. Why won’t him and Michael Vick just crawl into a ditch together somewhere and DIE!
His claims got some traction yesterday on the local talk shows.
Especially mine!
The unsubstantiated charges make great Internet fodder. And I am writing about it because, well, people are talking about it.
But I simply refuse to believe that the games we watch are not on the level.
Oh, Dan. Simple pretty Dan.
Call me naive.
You are naive.
It won’t be the first time. Certainly those of us who bought into the Sosa-McGwire home run chase of 1998 were snookered.
Is that anything like getting nose-fucked? ‘Cause I don’t like getting nose-fucked.
I never thought Pete Rose would have bet on baseball while he was managing the Reds.
He always looked so trustworthy!
If I’d covered the 1919 World Series, I’d have probably written at great length about the White Sox choking and underperforming.
Shoeless Joe only hit .375? What a bum!
But tanking?
Say it ain’t so.
I went to the Garden last night to watch the Celtics and the Bulls. I kept my eyes on Tom Washington, Eric Lewis, and Zach Zarba.
Especially Zach Zarba! Me-Ow!
I saw nothing suspicious.
Zach would never cheat on me!
There are going to be bad calls, suspect calls. I just don’t think the refs are in the bag.
Donaghy’s allegations that referees managed games late in the season in order to reward large markets with playoff spots and network television revenue has been unfounded in the first two weeks of the regular season!
I talked with players, coaches, and ex-players, and naturally no one was buying into Donaghy’s premise.
Because David Stern will fucking shoot them in the goddam motherfucking head.
Seriously, Stern’s got bodies on him.
Not on the record, anyway. NBA players are not fools and only a fool would slander the men who make the calls that impact their livelihood.
So what did Stephen Jackson tell you?
“I just have faith that everybody is doing what they are supposed to do,’’ said Ray Allen.
Jesus has faith.
“The refs are not always perfect.
FINED!
There are a lot of judgment calls.
FINED!
That’s why we, as players, need to have good relationships with them. We try not to let the game get to a point where it’s in the referees’ hands.’’
SUSPENDED!
I asked Allen if he ever felt an official “had it in for you?’’
“Yes,’’ he said quickly. “For sure. Sometimes we may be paranoid, you might think a guy doesn’t like you.’’
Like Zach Zarba. He can be such a snob!
Danny Ainge had the same reaction to the question.
And yet I’m going to print it anyway. Why write my column when others can write it for me?
“I felt Earl Strom had it in for me when I played,’’ said Ainge.
“He kept callin’ damn touchdowns every time the other team shot the ball.”
“One time I went up to him and asked him how much longer I was going to have to pay for something I’d done and he looked at me like he didn’t know what I was talking about.’’
Hey! You stole that from the Donaghy book!
We don’t need Donaghy going all Canseco on us to know that stuff happens.
We don’t need him “telling the truth” and giving “facts.”
In 2007, veteran official Joe Crawford was suspended by the NBA after ejecting Tim Duncan.
I bet Tim Duncan overreacted.
It was not the first time Crawford was slapped by his bosses.
But it was the first time it wasn’t on the ass.
Back in the 1980s, Celtics coach Bill Fitch was under the impression that Crawford had been punished for making too many calls against a team that failed to provide him with tickets for a game. Any time thereafter, when Fitch felt Crawford was foiling the Celtics at the Garden, Fitch would say, “What’s the matter, Joe? Didn’t you get your tickets tonight?’’
Fitch with the zinger!
None of it is OK.
All of it is not good.
Anything less than total impartiality is unacceptable, and all leagues need to be vigilant.
Even Ligas?
But game-fixing? Series-fixing?
Hinge-fixing?
I don’t think so.
Don’t even think about it!
Too many people would have to be in on it. It would get out.
Fifty-some-odd guys getting paid hundreds of thousands to millions a year? I think they could keep that under wraps.
Bettors and fans who love teams more than their own families inevitably see demons. But I’ve never understood how any fan could make an emotional (or financial) investment in games that are fixed.
Somebody’s never bet their second-born on a Warriors/Bulls preseason tilt! Nerd.
You can’t go to the Garden and write a story about officials without checking with Tommy Heinsohn.
He is Lord of the Referee Column. No referee column shall be published without his approval!
(Unless it’s about that cunt, Earl Strom.)
Part of the NBA since 1956, Tommy has said more about referees than anyone in Greater Boston. He’s battled the whistles from the court, the bench, and the broadcast booth.
Especially during his PCP phase.
“The whistles! They’re everywhere! They’re crawling under my skin!”
Did he ever think the games were fixed?
“No,’’ said Heinsohn. “Sometimes it’s subjective. You wonder what a guy thinks of you if he says you’re nothing but a showboat.
Tommy Heinsohn? A showboat??
But I never believed it wasn’t on the level.’’
Double negative. He’s concealing the truth with his clever wordplay! He knows!
“I’m not going to believe what a criminal says,’’ said Doc Rivers.
“So get away from me Dan, you date-rapist!”
“No doubt, there are times we are not happy.
Like always.
It’s a human game, just like those baseball games with the umpires last night.
With the umpires and the baseballs and the jello and the Theo!
There’s always going to be stuff like that.’’
“I read the excerpts [from Donaghy’s book],’’ said Ainge. “You have to consider the source. It’s easy to write and say things and blow it out of proportion. I just played in too many big games to believe all that. I believe they’re doing the best they can and that the players decide the outcome.’’
Players decide the outcome. If you don’t believe that, why bother watching the games?
Because I bet Earl Strom’s kidneys on this Knicks/Blazers nightcap, you Rat Ref!
Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com. 
In the weeks leading up to the 2009 NBA Draft, Lowposts’ resident Draftologistician will be looking at NBA Drafts of the past and how they got all screwed up..
Today: The 1993 NBA Draft.. (more…)
(One afternoon in the Mavericks locker room..)
Howard: And then you like, “Well ya better go catch it, n*gga!”
Carroll: Oh, chortle! (chortles)
Howard: (giggles)
Carroll: (turns to Josh, grinning) It’s ringing!
Howard: (giggles)
Stern: Hello? David Stern’s office.. (more…)
People tell me we are currently in an economic recession. I wouldn’t know, as I am a wealthy haberdasher. (more…)
(NBA VP of Referee Operations Joe Borgia is in attendance at a Cavs-Pistons game..)
James: (crab-dribbles through lane, followed by rollicking mariachi band, rises into air for a dunk with no whistle)
Borgia: (muttering to himself) Oh, come on! (more…)
The Lebron James Future Team Cavalcade CarouselⓇ is an ongoing project, exploring the potential destinations of the NBA’s foremost advertiser of delicious Vitaminwater, Lebron James (do you have any in delicious dragonfruit flavor?). All thirty teams (and perhaps some European squads) will be analyzed and awarded an arbitrary percentage on their odds of being Lebronorized. Past teams can be accessed here.
Today: The Washington Wizards.. (more…)
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