www.lowposts.com

Clintastic!

In what’s sure to make the day of everyone alive in the mid-’90’s, EA Sports is set to announce the return of the greatest video game of all time, NBA Jam, for the Nintendo Wii.   If the thought of sharp-elbowed NBA player caricatures with Barry Bonds-sized heads on Kate Bosworth-sized bodies doesn’t get you pumped, then you were either a deprived child or just aren’t human.

There’s really no way the EA execs can screw this up if they stick with the original formula, down to the George Clinton-style P-Funk soundtrack and the endearingly repetitive, poor man’s Marv Albert announcer.  My only suggestion would be having at least one old school player (of the always interesting hidden variety, perhaps) on every team, because quite frankly, I need more of Tom “The Bomb” Gugliotta and Blue Edwards in my life.

Without further ado, I present the three players  – since starting with Tournament Edition, teams could make substitutions after each quarter — who  should be represented in NBA Jam 2010, along with one old school star in parenthesis.  I mean, just imagine Mark Price lobbying one up for LeBron James, or O.J. Mayo feeding one to “Big Country” Reeves.  Whoops, bad choice of words there.

(Note that since there were only 27 teams at the time of the original game’s release, I took the liberty of choosing a retired “legend” for Toronto, Memphis, and Charlotte — the Bobcats, that is, since the 1993-94 Charlotte Hornets once featured the epic and my personal favorite duo of Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson.  Well, aside from the phenomenal Rookie All-Star squad that included the likes of Bill Curley, Eric Montross, and Yinka Dare.)
(more…)

Back in my middle school days, the Scottie Pippen Nike “Air More Uptempos” with the simple but stylish ‘A-I-R’ sprawled along the sides, were the shoes to own. The Grant Hill Filas? Not so much. Many of the NBA’s biggest stars have released classic signature sneakers, starting with the original Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars, but perhaps just as many have failed to knock basketball fans off their feet. While some of these throwbacks and vintage styles might possess a certain charm in their ugliness, here are some of the worst-looking, most uncomfortable, and straight-up comical NBA player-endorsed shoes of all time.

Kobe Bryant, Adidas “Kobe II” — What was Kobe thinking when he saw this design? Is it a ski boot? Barbie and Ken’s dream car? A miniature army tank? A nod to Back to the Future? A cinder block? I can go and on. Luckily, the even more hideous “Kobe III” never saw the light of day when Kobe terminated his contract with Adidas and switched to Nike.

Chris Webber, Dada “C-Dubbz” — Dada? More like nada! Wrap a plastic garbage bag around your old pair of kicks and voila — your very own C-Dubbz. These were also released in quite a few hideous color variations, most notably the blinding chrome version that Webber wore in the 2003 All-Star Game, which were apparently inspired by Paul Wall’s grill.

Karl Malone, LA Gear “The Catapult” — That’s right, LA Gear, the shoes with the flashing red lights rocked by every girl in your kindergarten class. Malone was quickly banned from wearing the shoes during NBA games because they were a distraction to other players, and LA Gear soon filed for bankruptcy. The Catapult line was amazingly reintroduced six years later, with Luke Walton as its spokesman. It’s hard to believe they never caught on with basketball fans.

Latrell Sprewell, Dada “Spree’s Spinnahs” — Rims and sneakers were brought together at last, thanks to Sprewell, the renowned originator the spinning car rims (who knew?). Not only does the shoe look like a Hot Wheels toy car, but it’s poorly manufactured (you might even say, Spree choked on the design), with an awkwardly placed air pump underneath the heel to keep the little plastic rim spinning while you walk.

Michael Jordan, Nike “Jordan 15″ & “23″ — Even the greatest make mistakes. The 15’s are either the most expensive pair of baby booties of all-time or great accessories for your Batsuit. The slightly less hideous 23’s feature a barrage of scribbled lower case “m’s,” and might turn out to be one of those lame 3-D stereograms where an image pops out if you stare hard enough (my bet’s on Vegas casino).

Dikembe Mutombo, Adidas — The Mutumbo signature sneaker featured a shield with crossed spears on the tongue, his jersey number on the side, and African textile patterns on the forefoot, which combined made it look like the perfect getup for Kid ‘N Play’s pajama party. No way anyone would sex Mutombo in those babies. (We also would’ve accepted, “Dikembe should’ve waged his finger at that shoe contract.”)

Patrick Ewing, Ewing Athletics Company Ltd. “The Rogue” — While Ewing scores major points for these timeless Adidas Attitudes, his decision to leave the three stripes to form his own line of footwear and accessories is inexcusable. In addition to the abominable red Rogue I, the Rogue II was released in a questionable purple, black, and gray color combination, begging to be mistaken for the cracked-out cousin on the Air Jordan 8.

Kevin Durant, Nike “KD1″ — Would anyone besides Bobo the Clown or Ronald McDonald buy hot orange shoes with teal shoelaces? If those are supposed to be Thunder colors, then Durant must wake up every day wishing he was still wearing his green and gold Seattle jersey. You’ll soon find find these beauties on our local J.C. Penny discount rack.

Kevin Garnett, Adidas “Garnett III” — For the All-Star edition of Garnett’s signature shoe, Adidas took a page out of KG’s former teammate’s book and opted for a sneaker that can be mistaken for over-sized choo-choo train. They are, however, the perfect shoes for dropping uncontrolled f-bombs and clapping your hands in the opponent’s face.

Quick Misses:

*Tracy McGrady, Adidas “T-Mac III” — Wearing a different color shoe on each foot is something even Kris Kross wouldn’t dare to do in the early ’90’s.

*Dwyane Wade, Converse “Wade 1″ — in case you ever wanted to wear accordions on your feet.

*Tim Hardaway, Nike “Bakin’” — I can’t lie, I owned a pair because they were also endorsed by Mitch Richmond. I can’t believe my parents let me spend $120 on this monstrosity.

*Penny Hardaway, Nike “Air Foamposite One” — these would look nice if you were playing basketball on the moon.

*Derrick Coleman, British Knights — The shoes themselves aren’t even all that bad, but this commercial (unfortunately sans Coleman) is guaranteed to make your day.

There’s a thin line between being a tough, aggressive defender and playing dirty. Oftentimes, an accused player’s teammates and fans will defend his actions, while opposing coaches decry them as inexcusable and thuggish. Although today’s NBA is considerably less dirty as a result of crackdowns on overly physical play (and shady referees), there are still a quite a few players who love to sneak in a timely push or jab to the stomach. Here are some of the worst offenders in recent NBA history.

1. Bruce Bowen: Spurs fans will insist that Bowen is only playing rough, hard-nosed defense and isn’t intentionally trying to injure other players.  Why don’t we just let the video evidence of Mr. Bowen’s ‘tricks’ speak for itself. Stick your foot underneath a descending jump shooter? Check. Knee a player in the groin? Check. Kick the defender in the face?  Check and check. But of course, much like his other Spurs teammates, Bowen insists he’s never committed a foul in his life.

2. Karl Malone: The All-Defensive Team selections aren’t fooling anyone — Malone was a legendary cheap short artist. In fact, his elbow has as many career highlights as the Mailman himself, including ending a player’s college career by destroying his face, causing Isiah Thomas to get 40 stitches on his forehead, knocking David Robinson unconscious for two minutes, breaking Joe Kleine’s nose, and being Steve Nash’s dentist.  And then there are those “accidental” kicks to the man region…

3. Bill Laimbeer: The “Bad Boy” Pistons of the late ’80’s were collectively known for their aggressive style of defense, and Laimbeer was the enforcer, angering his opponents with constants pokes, slaps, and shoves in the back. After a vicious take down of Larry Bird in the playoffs, Robert Parish retaliated by punching Laimbeer in the face…and wasn’t even ejected! In an unforeseen turn of events, Laimbeer’s Detroit Shock team instigated the first brawl in WNBA histroy last season.

4. John Stockton: Malone’s partner in crime, the NBA’s all-time leader in assists and steals also set the most illegal screens in NBA history, routintely getting away with all kinds of low blows when the referees weren’t looking. Stockton was known for excessive holding, delivering hard elbows to the ribs, and pulling a defender down after a shot. Thankfully, his patented short shorts left no room for Stockton to hide a shiv.

5. Dennis Rodman: Remembered more for his craziest antics, Rodman had more subtle tactics to get into players’ heads. He’d pull on shorts, sneak in grabs and pushes, and extend his foot to trip a player running down the court. Rodman was once named the NBA’s dirtiest player in a poll of NBA players, coaches and execs, leading the commissioner to order The Worm to change his physical playing style. Too bad Stern never asked him to stop shopping at Victoria’s Secret.

6. Kobe Bryant: While Laker fans continue to insist it’s the defenders who keep attacking Kobe’s elbow with their faces, the whack to Ron Artest’s throat in the playoffs was hardly new territory. Over the last few years, Kobe’s been suspended for similarly elbowing Mike Miller and striking Manu Ginobili and Marco Jaric on his “extended follow through,” and earned a flagrant one for hitting Kyle Korver in the jaw. Apparently, the Black Mamba has a preference for white meat.

7. Rick Mahorn: When Mahorn and teammate Jeff Ruland, collectively known as McFilthy and McNasty, were on the Washington Bullets, players driving down the lane would finish layups on their backs. Mahorn later perfected a dirty defensive maneuver where he’d wait for a player to post him up, and then step away while tugging on the player’s jersey to make him fall down on the court. And of course, he showed Lisa Leslie how to fight Detroit-style last summer.

8. Charles Oakley: Michael Jordan’s personal bodyguard in Chicago, the Oak-man later enforced the Knicks’ “no easy layups” mentality with means picks, sharp elbows, and occasional punches. A rough physical presence, he always fouled hard, and wasn’t afraid to slap the likes of Jeff McInnis, Tyrone Hill, and even Shaquille O’Neal. Oakley was so ruthless that he’ll undoubtedly throw those ‘bows at the retirement home.

9. Reggie Evans: For all we know, it was an isolated incident (unless you count spanking Kyle Korver on the butt), but if there’s one rule on the basketball court, it’s never grab another guy’s testicles. Unfortunately, Evans did just that to gain a positional advantage during the 2006 playoffs, violating an unsuspecting Chris Kaman by putting his hand up his shorts and “pulling hard.” We still haven’t received word on whether it was the beans or the frank.

10. Robert Horry: Intentional or not, the biggest shot of Horry’s storied career came in the closing moments of Game 4 of the 2007 Western Conference Finals, when Horry mistook Steve Nash for Martin St. Louis and body-checked him into the scorers’ table, leading to suspensions for two Suns starters. The sequel came in 2008, when “Cheap Shot Bob” forced David West out of the game by blindsiding him in the back on a moving pick.

Quick (But Painful) Hits:

*Dikembe Mutombo: More clumsy than dirty, Deke’s teammates made him wear elbow pads in practice for their own protection.

*Isiah Thomas: Zeke didn’t just do the Knicks dirty — he subtly stepped on players’ feet when they dribbled the ball.

*Kenyon Martin: Notorious for vicious flagrants earlier in his career, K-Mart also has quite the dirty mouth!

*Charles Barkley: Never known for being much of a defender, Barkely used his elbows to his advantage on the court, and especially at the buffet line.

*Xavier McDaniel: Players knew not to mess with the X-Man — Al Bundy found out the hard way.

*Danny Fortson: the poor man’s Bill Laimbeer (not a compliment), Fortson did little on the court besides push, shove, and elbow — while sporting some mean pigtails.

*James Posey: Not afraid to deliver a blindsider and shoulder-block players when they’re least suspecting it.

*Raja Bell: Here at lowposts, we’ve got nothing but love for you, Raja.

*Peja Stojakovic: Whoops, we’re not talking about that kind of dirty…

We’ve seen some epic collapses in the sports world, from the Houston Oilers’ overtime meltdown against the Buffalo Bills in 1993 to the Boston Red Sox historic comeback against the New York Yankees in 2004. While no team in NBA history has ever blown a 3-0 series lead, eight teams have battled back from a 3-1 deficit, and an eighth seed once made it all the way to the Finals. Let’s take a look at some of the biggest choke jobs in recent NBA playoff history.

1. Seattle vs. Denver (1994): Yes, it was a five-game series, but no one gave the eighth seed Nuggets any chance of beating the 63-win Sonics. Seattle went up 2-0, and then had approximately 1,243 shots blocked by Dikembe Mutombo in the next three games.  And of course, we’ll always have that wonderful image of Mutombo clutching the ball while laying on the court; it sexed him later on that evening.

2. Dallas vs. Golden State (2007): The Warriors became the first eighth seed to beat the one seed in a seven-game series, though it wasn’t completely unexpected after Golden State matched up so well against the Dallas during the regular season.  Still, there’s no question that the Mavs fell apart and lost their confidence, especially MVP Dirk “No-win-ski,” who scored 8 points on 2 or 13 shooting in the deciding Game 6. But please, Nellie, control yourself!

3. New York vs. Indiana (1995): The Knicks held a six-point lead with less than 20 seconds left in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals, before Miller hit a three, stole a sloppy Anthony inbounds pass, and tied the game with another three-ball. John “2 for 19″ Stars then missed two free throws, before Miller, inexplicably fouled by Mason, hit both foul shots and ran into the locker room screaming, “Chokers! Chokers!” Yep, that about says it all right there. And if you’re wondering, this game just barely edges out Teresa Witherspoon’s half-court buzzer beater in the 1999 WNBA Finals for my favorite playoff finish of all-time. I’m completely serious.

4. Orlando vs. Detroit (2003): The eighth-seed Magic took a shocking 3-1 series lead over the heavily-favored Pistons, leading Tracy McGrady to note that it was “nice to finally be in the second round.” Maybe he didn’t know about the rule change? Orlando lost the next three games by an average of twenty points and T-Mac has still not played on a team that has advanced past the first round. Tracy, it’s not on you, and maybe it’s time to give it up?

5. Portland vs. Los Angeles Lakers (2000): You can find Portland under “choke” in the dictionary — no, really, you can. The Blazers held a 15-point lead at the start of the fourth quarter in Game 7 of the 2000 Western Conference Finals and threw it all away. Wait, does anyone realize that we were minutes away from the Jail Blazers going to the Finals and likely winning the championship? And watching Kobe and Shaq man-hug and pretend to like each other was awkward back then, but it’s on a whole different level now.

6. Los Angeles Lakers vs. Boston (2008): The Lakers led by 24 points in the third quarter of Game 4, but lost the game after the Celtics completed the biggest comeback in the NBA Finals since 1971. After winning Game 5, Los Angeles missed their flight to Boston and forfeited Game 6. Oh, right, Kobe and company were drubbed by 39 points, the biggest margin of victory in an NBA championship-clinching game (laughs manically).

7. Dallas vs. Miami (2006): The Mavs won the first two games of the Finals, and Mark Cuban started planning a championship parade. Dallas was up by 13 points with under seven minutes left in Game 3, but ended up blowing the lead and the next three games on a series of missed free throws and botched timeouts. And Dwyane Wade may have gotten a call or two in South Beach…along with herpes.

7. Los Angeles Lakers vs. Phoenix (2006): After losing Game 1, the seventh-seed Lakers won the next three, and looked to close out the Suns in five games. Raja Bell would have none of that, and became the hero of Laker-haters everywhere after clothes-lining Kobe Bryant in Game 5. Kobe, afraid of another ass-kicking, took only three shots in the second half of the deciding seventh game, a 31-point Phoenix win (continues to laugh).

9. Miami vs. New York (1999): The Knicks made an improbable run all the way to the Finals as an eighth seed, defeating the Heat in the first round on an Allan Houston running jumper, though it should be noted that this happened during the fat player lockout shortened season. It’s a little ironic that Latrell Sprewell was on the other side of the choke. And was it all worth it when you consider that it led to Houston’s cap-killing contract? I say, no.

10. New Jersey vs. Boston (2002): The Nets were leading by 21 points in the fourth quarter of Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals, and were then outscored 41-16 by the Celtics the rest of the way.  It’s ranked lower because New Jersey surprisingly rebounded to win the series after going down 2-1, and earned a trip to a Finals sweep at the hands of the Los Angeles Lakers (stops laughing).

Honorable Mention:

*Sacramento vs. Los Angeles Lakers (2002): Conspiracy theories aside, the Kings were visibly nervous in Game 7 and missed 14 out of 30 free throws. I’d rather not talk about this.

*Orlando vs. Houston (1995): More of an individual career collapse since the Magic were woefully outmatched in Finals, but has there ever been a more stunning breakdown than Nick Anderson missing four consecutive free throws in the closing seconds of Game 1?

There’s a lot to an athlete’s name. A professional ball player is a worldwide celebrity whose likeness appears on television, official league websites, and countless publications. While most athletes’ names sound common or “normal,” quite a few, such as Rusty Kuntz and Dick Trickle, or even Luol Deng or Rudy Gay, are hard to say with a straight face. Sometimes, even initials like B.J. end up sounding awkward and uncomfortable when they’re mentioned by TV announcers. Here are some of the coolest and funniest (non-nickname) names we’ve heard in the NBA.

1. Boniface N’Dong: I’m sure it’s not really pronounced this way (or so I hope), but I prefer to read it as “bony face and dong.” Either way, it sounds like an awful porn name or a really uncomfortable sex position.

2. God Shammgod: I’m not sure which of these things is more offensive — naming your child “God,” or guaranteeing a future identity crisis when he realizes his last name indicates that he’s, in fact, a false deity.

3. Von Wafer: On the one hand, “Wafer,” a crisp, dry biscuit, is one of the least intimidating names for an NBA player (unless he had a horrifying Communion experience). On the other hand, he could really give Count Chocula a run for his money. Von Wafers sound delicious!

4. Uwe Blab: Not only does it sound like a bad euphemism for taking care of business (”Someone left a nasty Uwe Blab in the third stall”), but it also makes me think of the old school X-Men arcade game villain that yelled, “Nobody beats the Blob!” when you fought him. Little known fact — it’s Mike D’Antoni’s pet nickname for Eddy Curry.

5. Royal Ivey:  Now there’s a name I want to have when I’m picking up girls in a bar (Stromile Swift comes a close second). It sounds intriguing but still gives off that street vibe. And if that wasn’t gangster enough, his nickname is “Cheese,” a reference to the classic Pulp Fiction scene.

6. Travis Outlaw: I picture tumbleweeds rolling in the wind and a good ole fashioned gun fight in a Western. It’s also a shame he never had a chance to play on the Jail Blazers with that moniker, robbing us of some fantastic headlines.

7. World B. Free: His birth name is Lloyd Bernard Free, and I think changing it was a little gimmicky. I just wanted to use this time to once again laugh at his hilarious balding afro. This will never get old.

8. Zaza Pachulia / Kiki Vandeweghe: If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear these are the names of a couple of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models. Good luck trying to get that mental image out of your head.

9. Luther Head: Do I go with a “they paid too much for Head,” a “which team will get Head,” or a simple “I used to love Head in Houston” joke here? It’s an impossible decision. I haven’t tried, but this might also work with Wang Zhizhi.

10. Chubby Cox:  Yes, he was a real NBA player. Do I really need to explain?

Honorable Mention:

*Kosta Koufos / Cheikh Samb: I like mine with vegetables and chickpeas.

The Human Beatbox

*Ruben Bomutje-Boumtje: I learned how to beatbox by repeating his name over and over again on the train to work. I think I’m ready to move on to the Kelenna Azubuike remix version.

*O.J Mayo: How did he know my favorite juice and condiment combination?

*Vinny Del Negro: Because he’s white! Ha!

*Quincy Douby: Josh Howard is a big fan.

*Carlos Boozer: Insert Vin Baker joke here.

*Zarko Cabarkapa:  Cool…

*Didier Ilunga-Mbenga: …cooler…

*Nana Papa Yaw Mensah-Bonsu:  …almost there…

*Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo: …classic.

It’s rarity for an NBA player to spend his entire career with his original team. In fact, only 20 of the NBA’s 50 Greatest Players played for just one franchise (19 if you count Julius Erving’s ABA stint). Hell, nothing can be surprising if Michael Jordan can return to the United Center as a member of the Washington Wizards (both comebacks were examined here).  And yet, some images of star athletes clad in unfamiliar uniforms just seem wrong. Whether it’s a quest for an elusive championship ring, a quick layover, or simply not knowing when to walk away from the game, here are some recent examples of known NBA players suiting up in shockingly unnatural-looking uniforms.

Hakeem Olajuwon, Raptors: Olajuwon played 17 seasons with the Rockets — and 20 years overall in Houston, including his college career — before being traded to the Toronto Raptors for draft picks. He registered career lows in almost every category, averaging just 7 points and 6 rebounds in one forgettable season north of the border. Then again, he might be the only player in NBA history to willingly report to Canada after being traded (see: Alonzo Mourning, Kenny Anderson).

Patrick Ewing, Magic: The late ’90’s Knicks were looking to rebuild and the fans had started to turn against their once franchise center. Ewing himself requested a change of scenery after 15 years without a ring in New York, and was sent to Seattle in a four-team trade. The 36-year-old put up then career-lows in points (9.6) and rebounds (7.4) in one season as a Sonic. He finished his career as seldom-used reserve in Orlando — which I’m guessing has the best Gold Clubs — in an unrecognizable #6 Magic jersey.

Karl Malone, Lakers:  Malone spent his first 18 seasons in Utah, falling just short of a title in 1997 and 1998. Desperate for a championship ring, he signed with the Lakers in 2003.  After never missing more than two games in any prior season, the 40-year-old appeared in just 42 regular season games, and sat out the deciding fifth game of the Finals against the eventual-champion Pistons.  The only good thing from his Lakers stint is that I learned my best pickup moves from the Mailman, who couldn’t quite deliver with Kobe’s wife.

Alex English: Mavericks: English ripped the nets for 11 years in Denver, becoming the franchise leader in points (12th in NBA history), assists, games, and minutes.  After averaging 18 points per game in 1989/90, he was unceremoniously unsigned by the Nuggets and inked a one-year deal with Dallas.  English put up 10 points per gave as backup on an underachieving Mavs team led by Roy “The Snowman” Tarpley in his final season. But man, that rainbow Nuggets throwback still looks so sweet!

Dominique Wilkins, Magic: Wilkins put up over 23,000 points in a Hawks uniform, before being traded to the Clippers for Danny Manning. He then bounced around the globe, playing in Boston, Panathinaikos, San Antonio, and Italy, before finishing his career with his brother Gerald in Orlando. The two-time Slam Dunk champion put up just 5 points in 9 minutes per game with the Magic — more like the Human Lowlight Film, amirite? Useless fact: Wilkins and Ewing are Orlando’s only Hall of Fame inductees.

John Starks, Bulls: Best known for his days in New York — I don’t advise saying “2 for 18″ around any Knicks fans — Starks spent two seasons apiece with the Warriors and Jazz. But during the 1999/00 season, he played four games for the Chicago Bulls, the team he used to battle in epic playoff series during the mid-90’s, and the victims of his career-defining play, “The Dunk” (left). The sight of Starks in Chicago red was almost as unfathomable as Larry Bird in purple and gold…or Chris Tucker in Rush Hour 4.

Robert Parish, Bulls: Parish played 14 seasons and won three titles in Boston after four years with the Warriors. Unfortunately, he’s the definition of not knowing when to hang it up, playing riding the bench until the age of 43 just to get his name into the record books. Parish was a reserve in Charlotte for two years, and averaged just 4 points and 2 rebounds in his final season as a third-string center on the 1997 NBA champion Bulls. Parish finally retired after the season, announcing, “I think it’s time…to walk away.” Only three years too late, Chief.

Scottie Pippen, Rockets: Pippen will always be remembered as Jordan’s sidekick on the six-time champion  Bulls.  But after 11 seasons in Chicago, he was dealt to Houston for Roy Rogers (Jerry Krause is a roast beef man) and a future pick. He played 50 games for the Rockets in a lockout- shortened season, before getting traded to Portland (these parting shots at Charles Barkley imply it didn’t go so well). Pip was instrumental in the Blazers’ 2000 playoff collapse against the Lakers, perhaps because he saw old pal Toni Kokuc in the crowd.

Rasheed Wallace, Hawks: Remember Sheed’s rookie season with the Bullets — a fitting team name for the aspiring rapper — way back in 1995?  He was traded to Portland after one season, where he soon became king of Jailblazers and master of the technical foul. Before helping the Pistons win the title in 2004, Wallace played a single game for the Hawks, a 98-92 loss to the Nets. One thing’s for sure — both teams definitely didn’t play hard.

Mitch Richmond, Lakers: While it may not be as traitorous as Johnny Damon signing with the Yankees or Clay Bennett stealing the Sonics, Richmond, who spent seven All-Star seasons with the Sacramento Kings, signed a one-year deal with the Lakers in 2001 after three years in Washington. He settled for a reduced role in Los Angeles, and unlike Malone and Ewing, won a ring in his final season, even though it meant selling his soul to the devil and beating his former team in the process.

Honorable Mention:

*Chauncey Billups, Raptors:  His tattoo reminds him of 51 games in Boston.
*Tim Hardaway, Indiana Pacers and Denver Nuggets?
*Gary Payton, Bucks:  His first of four stops after 12 and half seasons in Seattle.
*Glen Rice, Los Angeles Clippers
*Christian Laettner, 1992 Dream Team: What was the selection committee thinking?
*Sean Elliott, Detroit Pistons
*Ben Wallace, Orlando Magic and bald on the Bullets!
*Dikembe Mutombo, New Jersey Nets
*Steve Smith, Charlotte Bobcats: Not sure if he punched any teammates in the face.
*Alonzo Mourning, New Jersey Nets
*Rod Strickland, Toronto Raptors
*Glenn Robinson, San Antonio Spurs
*Jay Williams, New Jersey Nets
*Jayson Williams, Prison Orange: Maybe one day…

Some incredible NBA plays stand the test of time. Michael Jordan spectacularly switching hands in midair against the Lakers, Dr. J soaring for a gravity-defying reverse layup, and Magic Johnson swishing a game-winning hook shot over the outstretched arm of Kevin McHale are just a few of the league’s most memorable moments. But what about the plays that we remember for the wrong reasons?  Have you ever seen something so unbelievably bad, that you need to watch the replay three or four times before you can believe it actually happened? For me, the defining moment came in the mid-’90’s, when I watched Shawn Bradley brick a sky hook of the side of the backboard just a few feet away from my seat. I’m sure that every fan has their own version of the Bradley shot, and you’re more than welcome to share them in the comments. Let’s take a look at some of worst plays and funniest moments in NBA history.

Derek Harper: The Anti-Webber: Unfortunately, I can’t find any video evidence of this, but I distinctly remember seeing it on some old NBA show a few years back. During 1984 playoffs, Harper thought the Mavericks had the lead in the closing seconds, and dribbled out the clock…except that the score was tied and the game went into overtime. Dallas would go on to lose the game, and then the series in five games. I don’t think this can ever be topped in the pantheon of brainfarts, but if anyone can do it, it’s our next contestant…

Lamar Odom Has Lost a Few Braincells:  This is one of the dumbest things you’ll ever see on a basketball court.  Everyone has made a bad pass or missed an easy dunk, but I can’t remember a player forgetting to inbound the ball and just dribbling it inbounds like on the playground.  And you’d figure, if anyone would be familiar with the rule, it would be Mr. Puff, Puff, Pass, right?

Shawn Marion Goes Both Ways: I’m surprised this doesn’t happen more often…or that Lamar Odom hasn’t done it (yet). After a jump-ball near the opponent’s basket, Marion grabs the ball, races down the court, and almost dunks in his own hoop!  Talk about lack of concentration. Quick sidenote — what the hell is Shaq doing in this video?   It’s a Suns/Rockets game, and yet there’s the big man in his Lakers jersey at the seven-second mark…can anyone explain this?

Zach Randolph Calls His Own Number: What more can I say about this video? I must’ve watched it at least 30 times, and it’s still mesmerizing. Randolph tries to dribble the ball between his legs, loses control and almost throws it out of bounds, and then somehow recovers, only to launch an off-balance airball at the shot clock buzzer. And his teammates aren’t even phased, because it’s just like Isiah drew it up. No, really…I’m pretty sure he called that play.

Marko Jaric’s Facts Are Backwards: Maybe this was Jaric’s way of paying homage to Kris Kross? I’ll bet they were huge in Serbia during the early ’90’s. Or maybe the whole backwards thing is a huge turn-on for hot Brazilian models. Hmm…mental note. Anyways, the best part isn’t even that Jaric has his jersey on the wrong way — it’s that Eddie Griffin (RIP) peeks under his own warm-ups just to make sure he didn’t make the same mistake. Priceless.

Qyntel Woods Shows Off at MSG: Missed dunks are a dime a dozen, but a botched 360 on a breakaway in front of thousands of New York fans? You just don’t see that every day…well, unless the Birdman is involved somehow, and if I had my way, he would be (I can never get enough of watching him fly!). Honorable mention goes to Julian Wright, and even he’s laughing right now. And somewhere, David Wesley is wishing he could dunk, just one time.

Shaquille O’Neal Misses a Free Throw! Shocking, I know, but have you ever seen an uglier airball?  Not even Ben Wallace can top this one…actually, he came very close right there.  Amazingly, Shaq doesn’t hold the NBA records for most consecutive foul shots missed (13) or most misses in a game (17 out of 18), both of which are held by everyone’s favorite Ivy League diabetic, Chris Dudley.  Hack-a-Dud was all the rage in the early ’90’s.

Darrell Armstrong Can’t Dunk: Okay, so obviously he can, but what was he thinking during the 1996 NBA Slam Dunk Contest? After throwing down a powerful two-handed jam, Armstrong went up for his second dunk attempt…and for some unexplained reason, flipped in an ugly reverse layup. Kenny Smith called it the worst “dunk” of all-time, and will never let him live it down. And why should he? Save the layup contest for the WNBA, Darrell!

Dikembe Mutombo Wags Too Much: I can’t find video, so you’ll have to trust me on this one. During a game against the Jordan-led Bulls in the mid-’90’s, Mutombo blocked a shot and then did his patented finger wag to the crowd. In the meantime, Steve Smith decided to save the ball from going out of bounds and blindly flipped it back underneath his own basket. The ball ended up going right to Scottie Pippen, who caught it and slammed a dunk over Mutombo, who was still standing with his back to the court in triumph. The shocked expression on his face alone was worth the price of admission.

Kobe Bryant’s Punch-Out: Believe it or not, I was actually looking for a clip of Kenny Anderson, the originator of the spectacular ‘punch-the-ball-and-have-it-bounce-back-in-your-face’ trick, but I guess this will have to do. And really, would I ever miss an opportunity to make fun of Kobe Bryant? At least he didn’t try to imitate His Airness and fall flat on his ass like the damn fool he is, yet again — oh, all right, just for old time’s sake, here you go:

UPDATE: How could I forget the infamous Ricky Davis play, when the greatest and most selfless Cavalier of all-time intentionally missed a shot at his own team’s basket to get his 10th rebound for a triple-double? I can’t decide what’s funnier — the fact that the NBA discredited the “rebound” in the stats or the look on Jerry Sloan’s face when he realizes what just happened. Are you still wondering why the Cavs traded you when LeBron came to town, Ricky?

(Luis Scola is adjusting the shoulder straps on a large metal contraption attached to his back when Dikembe Mutombo enters the Houston Rockets locker room..)

Scola: Ola, Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo.

Mutombo: (nodding)  Mutombo.

Scola: Joo wahn too see ma rockeh paik? (more…)